Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Donnacas

Contributor
  • Posts

    25
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by Donnacas

  1. My heart hurts. Yesterday I turned in the keys to my Love's office. Everything was moved to the office of the person taking over his business. The place that was like another home to him is gone. His personal effects sit in boxes in the garage. I feel like I'm being forced to endure a series of never ending painful events. When does it stop and how long can I continue to function through them before I simply give up?
  2. I believe in God. I believe Jim is in heaven and I intend to be there with him one day. I couldn't go on if I thought we would never be together again. So I do have some faith. But right now, the whole 'pray and trust in God' thing kind of makes me want to run the other way. I guess you could say that I'm a bit angry with God right now. He has taken away my Love from me. I don't want to turn away from him or anything like that, it's just that right now, if He was in physical form, I just don't think I would have much to say to him. I don't know if any of that makes sense or not. It isn't like I'm raging against Him or anything extreme. I'm just not able to glory in Him at this time. Someone gave me a little pamphlet yesterday about death of a loved one. I had a look at it but then gave it back and told the person thank you but they should save it for someone who could get some peace from reading it. Right now, I just can't find any comfort in prayer or my beliefs. Again, I do still believe, there just isn't any serenity in my belief.Anyone else go through this?
  3. Sometimes, like today, I am able to distract myself for most of the time. The thing is, distracting yourself wears you out after a while. And when I finally stop, it all crashes back down on me. I think even just a steadiness in the emotions would be easier to handle. The highs and lows are terrifying.and then some days, distraction doesn't work and those are truly awful days.
  4. Grief is like standing on a beach. It doesn't matter how many people are on it with you. They're all laughing and carrying on with their lives, and even if they came there with you, they're still up on the sand living while you're down at the water's edge alone and the tide is like your sadness and pain rolling in. Sometimes the water comes in gently, like little waves lapping around your feet and even though each one makes you sink deeper and deeper, no one really notices because you can still stand. You can still function and get through all the things in the day you have to. You might even laugh or smile. But all the time you just keep on sinking. Sometimes the tide will surprise you with a wave though. Out of nowhere that great big ocean of pain will roll in a 20 footer of despair and knock you down and pull you under. It sucks you away from the shore and deeper and deeper and you can't breathe in anything but hopelessness and hurt. All you can do then is panic and try to swim up to the light but sometimes you find yourself so deep you can't even see light. Sometimes you remember your responsibilities to other loved ones and you do find the light and break the surface. Sometimes someone will notice your struggles and swim out and pull you up. They tell you what a strong swimmer you are and a sure you that you can make it back to shore and tell you they are right there swimming beside you. And sometimes it's hard to be grateful for that, even though you appreciate that they care, even when you know you should be, because you wonder if all you really want to do is just go ahead and drown...
  5. My question isn't because I'm being impatient with myself or with grieving. Like I said, I don't ever expect to stop grieving for and missing my husband. I can and will live with that. And I appreciate the kind and comforting words more than I can say. I also know that everyone grieves differently and no one can give me a specific time frame on anything. Lordy, wouldn't it make life more bearable if there was one? No, I am really just looking for a round about estimate of when this absolutely CRIPPLING AND OVERWHELMING PAIN will ease just a little bit. I feel like if I had some semblance of a point when it would be a little easier to function, maybe I could hang on with just a glimmer of hope. Because I can tell you, I am a strong person, but Hecules himself couldn't endure this sort of anguish for his entire life, or his life wouldn't have lasted long. I'm just looking for an aiming point. A place to lift my eyes to, just a little.
  6. I feel like I'm rejecting help by saying this, and I'm not trying to, but even the present moment is pretty awful. Being in it doesn't seem to help much. I guess I just wish someone who really knew what I was feeling would say something like, "if you can hang on for six months, it will still be bad but not quite SO bad", or eight or ten months or two years...just to give me hope for light at the end of the tunnel.
  7. I don't ever expect to stop grieving or missing my husband but how long before it stops being so overwhelming that I have to fight to function? It's all still too soon for me, I know that. Today marks two months. I stayed in bed all day, even though I should have been at school. I am starting to feel like I'm never going to be able to overcome this need to wallow in my heartache and pain. It's getting harder instead of easier and if I just had some idea of how long it might be until it eases some, even just a tiny bit, I might be able to hang on. I can't continue to live like this, without any hope at all.
  8. I did find a counselor with a sliding scale and make an appointment for us. I plan to have the employee out by Friday. The other stuff I haven't worked out yet. I guess I'm depressed. I really want to go hide somewhere until I just die, even more now than I did right after my husband died. It's not as panicked feeling, but feels deeper. I don't know if that's normal or not but it seems never ending.
  9. I'm sure this is a whiny, self pitying post and I apologize ahead of time. I can't seem to help myself today. I kind of feel like someone is out to get me lately. On Thursday, my brother in law had heart surgery. It did not go well and for a couple of nights there was a real danger of losing him. One year after my father and father in law and not even two months after my husband, this would have been too much. Fortunately, he is doing better now. But because of those two night that we all spent in the ICU Waiting room, my first school assignment was late. Which is a bad way to start. I'm having a hard enough time focusing as it is. I have an employee at my husbands business that is going to have to be fired, which I have never done before and am not looking forward to because I have a feeling it's going to be unpleasant. But I can't afford to pay someone who isn't doing their job. It's imperative to my family's livelihood right now. And a person has contacted me with a claim that my husbands business owes him money which I believe is untrue at the root but he's the type to peruse legally, which I can't afford and I can't afford to pay him. And to top it all off, my teenagers are fighting with each other. I'm almost afraid to leave them alone together because the animosity is so bad right now. We need counseling that I can't afford. I really really miss my husband. I wish I could just be with him and leave all this behind.
  10. I don't want anyone to get the idea I'm suicidal because I don't have an intention of harming myself at all but I really need to know if anyone else had these daydreams after they lost their spouse...I keep falling into these fantasies that I get into a car crash, or suddenly fall ill and die. When I die I am reunited with my husband and he is so happy to see me and tells me he's been waiting on me because he knew I wouldn't be far behind him. Then I snap out of the day dream and feel pretty devastated for a while after. Is this normal? Because it's wonderful while it happens but then a little scary afterward because I want to be careless about things because I feel like it doesn't matter. I guess I just want to make sure I'm not going crazy...
  11. So, today was my first day of student teaching. The teaching itself was fine. Going to be a lot of work but I guess it's a distraction from my never ending misery. Lunch was awkward for me. I sat with the other teachers and everyone was talking about what the did with their husbands over the weekend and what they were cooking for them for supper. Everyone is aware of my loss so no one said much to me at all and part of that is because I didn't say much to them. It was hard enough just to sit with them and listen. Then on the way home, it hit me that there was no one to talk about my day with, or celebrate with me that I'm on my way to done. I cried all the way home. I distracted myself again by running a bunch of errands but I didn't finish everything before I found myself sitting in Jim's chair again, staring like a zombie at the tv, no idea what was on. I just can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that he's never coming back tonight. I'm tired and miserable and I can't bear it right now.
  12. Postponing is not an option. There is no money to live on that long.
  13. Six weeks. It's been six weeks. I fluctuate between being angry at the whole world, feeling completely hopeless and defeated by life, and trying to figure out how to plan for the future. My head is still such a mess, I suspect I shouldn't be trying to interact with other people because my tolerance seems to have died with my love and so has my staying power. I make a list of the things I need to do each day, and looking at it, it doesn't seem like a lot, but somehow I never make it through the list, and end up sitting in Jim's chair, staring at the tv like a zombie. My last semester of school has started and I MUST finish if I'm to support myself and my children but I can't seem to retain anything from class. I need some focus but I don't know where to find it.
  14. Does anyone else struggle when people complain about their spouses? About little things they do that annoy them? I just want to say,"stop sweating the small stuff. Be happy that you have them!" Of couse, I don't, because people don't want to hear that, it seems like you're dismissing their issues, and no one gets it unless they experience a loss. But it's awfully hard to listen to someone complain that their spouse doesn't take them out/agree with them about money/whatever the complaint may be and not say that I'd put up with almost any issue if I could just have mine back.
  15. I feel like I'm on the very bottom of the ocean. It's deep and dark and I know I'm going to drown soon if I don't get to the surface and breathe. But I can't see the way up. I'm swimming and swimming but tire isn't a single glimmer of light to guide me. I don't even know if I'm going in the right direction. And it's not my lungs that are about to burst, but my heart. This grief is crushing me and as hard as I'm trying to find my way out of it for my kids, if nothing else, I feel like if I don't get at least a tiny bit of relief soon, I'm going to drown.
  16. Well, the bills are paid, my bankruptcy is in progress, and I even found out that if I can scrape up the money, I can buy a car as long as the book value isn't too much. I guess all that should make me happy. But my husband is still dead, my children are still fatherless, and there is no joy in any of it. A very dear friend of mine and my husbands is obviously avoiding me. He won't answer my calls or texts and when he does, it's short and to the point and that's all. He's my children's godfather but he's avoiding them too. Another friend seems to have no time for me suddenly and I'm feeling all alone. I'm sure it's because I'm so depressing to be around. I feel like there's nothing of any substance to me any more. I don't have a single thing to say or do that isn't somehow related to my husbands death, my financial woes, or my utter misery. I wouldn't want to spend time with me either. I'm trying not to feel hurt or abandoned because I know just because I don't have a life anymore doesn't mean other people don't, but it's hard sometimes.
  17. I know it should be ok to cry. I want to cry sometimes just so I will have some release, but somehow, I feel like I can't. I can't do it with the boys at home because I have to be strong for them. I can't do it in front of others, because its been ingrained in me not to show weakness in public. I can't do it alone because I might never stop. I know it's all in my head, but I just can't help it.
  18. We usually stayed home on Sundays and lazed around watching movies. I'd pile up in my husband's lap and we'd laugh and snuggle. It was just our day to be together. It's been five sundays now without him and each one is harder than the last. I have a picture that I found of a close up of his face where he's looking directly into the camera. It isn't an 'I love you' expression, or anything, in fact, if I remember correctly, its more of a 'why are you taking my picture' face but it looks like he's looking right at me, so I like it. I keep looking at it and wishing he'd talk to me. No real point to this post, I'm just struggling hard right now and need to tell someone. He'll be gone a month tomorrow and it's just getting harder for me instead of easier. I was being able to hold it together but it's getting difficult to continue keeping my composure. I need some sort of relief and can't seem to find it anywhere.
  19. I want to stay close with my mother in law. I love her very much. That's why this anger disturbs me so much.
  20. Maybe. I don't know. I just know I shouldn't be angry with either of them but that seems to be the main feeling that comes up when they are around. I'm just too tired to spend my energy being mad for no reason.
  21. I wanted to ask, has anyone else experienced anger or just plain annoyance at certain people in the early stages of loss? I'm having a hard time with it towards certain people. One is an employee of my late husband's- her presumption about how much she is free to do and allow others to do at his office is really getting to me. She is also assuming that I don't know about some personal favors my husband did for her and I find it ticks me off that she actually thinks my husband snuck around behind my back for her. Another person that I find myself totally frustrated and annoyed with is a very dear friend of mine. There is no reason for this at all and I know it. All she is trying to do is be my friend but everything she says just runs me the wrong way. I get annoyed because she asks me how I slept, I get annoyed when she sympathizes when I complain. I get annoyed when she tries to talk about something going on in her life. I don't understand why. I almost don't want to even talk to her at all, but then when I don't, I feel abandoned. And the last one is the one that really worries me. My mother in law. It makes me pure mad when she cries. I can't seem to help myself. She posted a tribute article in our local paper, totally innocent, but it just went all over me. She went by my husbands office to run copies of something and proceeded to go back to his office and introduce herself to the person who is purchasing his business and that ticked me off too. None of these feelings really make sense to me, in reasoning or intensity. Especially my mother in law who has been basically wonderful to me. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but for some reason, the overwhelming sense that I get is that they are all seeking the attention spotlight. Which I shouldn't care about because I definitely do NOT want it for myself. I really just want to be left alone. So why do I care if they have it? Anyone else been through this? What do you do?
  22. I have seen an attorney and he is handling some of these things for me, but even with his help, there is still an overwhelming amount of work for me to do. Or maybe it's not overwhelming and it just feels that way to me because its been 20 years since I've had to worry about things like this and when I did, life was way simpler. Sometimes it doesn't even matter to me what happens, what they take, where we go, any of it. Sometimes I just wish I could hurry up and be done with life too. I wish my husband would send me some kind of sign that he's still here with me, somehow, even if I can't see him. I wish I could find something that could make me feel satisfied, even just for a while, and not hurt so much. I wish I had time to just curl up somewhere dark and scream and cry and fall apart...
  23. Again, I thank you all for your responses. I search for things to say to people right now, because no one wants to hear about how horrible you feel all the time, but that's pretty much all there is for me, that and my financial issues. I feel like I've lost my whole life. I have lost it. There's nothing interesting or amusing about me anymore. I'm just one big ball of pain and worry.
  24. Thank you for the responses. I have not sought out a grief counselor, simply because there are so many other things to do right now, and I can hardly keep up with all of it, one more thing, even that, seems like one thing too many. Unfortunately for us, things can't be put off til later because we must survive and eat and have a place to live. I wish I could put it all on hold for a while, but if I do, we won't have enough to make it. The boys seem to be dealing with their grief better than I am with mine. I sense some anger in my oldest, as he begins to realize the financial situation his dad left us in, but I have tried to keep that away from them as much as possible. He starts his senior year of high school in just two weeks and I want him and his brother to have as much normalcy as possible. My youngest hasn't said much, he's somewhat shut down, but he is going out with friends and doing normal teenage things so I think that's good. I'm trying to keep my eye on both of them. I feel like I just need all these financial issues settled as soon as possible so I can have some breathing room and stop worrying and just feel free to grieve for a while. I almost feel like our friends are looking at me and wondering why I'm not a blubbering mess, and I wonder too, but honestly, I feel like I don't have time to cry. I do, of course, but I am afraid every time that I won't be able to pull myself together and get things straight, which is essential for my children. Right now, they are my only reason to be alive. I'm better now, but when my husband lay in the hospital bed and they told me he'd never wake up again (he had a stroke which caused a massive hemorrhage in his brain), had my children not been standing there depending on me, I think I really could have curled up next to him and died too. I know I can't do that now, but I also feel like I must make things as safe as possible for them or living will have been in vain. And at the end of it all, I'm horrified at the complete absence of any sort of joy inside me anymore. I know I've had a terrible loss and it's probably natural to feel this way, but EVERYTHING feels like a job now. Nothing brings me any happiness. I love my children very much, which as I said, is why I feel any compulsion to live at all, but there is no joy, no happiness, in it at all. This is what scares me the most. How can I go on for another 20,30, 40 years with no joy? What a miserable life. I understand the take it day by day attitude, but a day is just a prison sentence when there is no happiness in it. I don't know what to do with that.
  25. My husband passed away just four weeks ago tomorrow. It feels like he's been both gone forever and just left us at the same time. I'm struggling every day to keep it together. Things are more complicated than they should be because his death was so unexpected and sudden. We weren't prepared. He left me with a huge amount of financial debt, no will, no life insurance, and two teenage boys to finish raising. The amount of work this is causing is almost overwhelming to me. I'm struggling with selling his business, filing personal bankruptcy for myself, and finishing up my own college degree, which I am just one semester from finishing, trying to keep our home, and figuring out how we will live without him. His death changed not just my life, but my boys lives too. My exceptionally smart, college bound 17 year old is now looking at military options because we can no longer afford to foot the bill for his college, and my happy-go-lucky 16 year old is now pressured to figure out what he wants to do and get started on a path for the future. As for myself, I'm having a hard time finding any motivation or anything to look forward to now that my life partner is gone. None of the plans we made for the future seem to matter without him. I miss him more than anything, and I feel so alone and lonely without him. I get so fidgety at home, and feel like I want to go somewhere but then I get there and all I want to do is go home. I feel lonely and want people around, but then they get here and I just want them to go away. Nothing satisfies me. I stay stressed and anxious. I can't sleep and when I finally do, I wake up tired. It just feels like each day is a prison sentence. I've looked for some sort of peace or comfort everywhere but there is none. I've prayed as hard as I can, but God doesn't seem to be listening to me right now. I've read books and articles, none of them help. I've talked to people, but no one really seems to be able to comfort me. There's just nothing and nowhere to turn to. I guess I'm just hoping that communicating with people who have been through the same terrible loss will somehow give me some direction.
×
×
  • Create New...