Hi, I'm new here. Recently I've been reading about complicated grief, and wondering if it might explain some things, though I don't seem to meet the clinical criteria. It's hard to distinguish from depression, so I hoped an outside opinion might help.
My husband died of leukemia seven years ago. He was sick for four years, so the death was certainly no shock to me. Ironically, I imagine it was a shock to him though (if such a thing is possible). He was in denial about his death from day one, which prompted a good fight, but ultimately never lead to his acceptance. His fight/unacceptance resulted in us living in two different states for the last year of his life. He insisted on seeking out every possible treatment (even quacks), drug, doctor or shaman who would see him.
Eventually, he told me he'd found an oncologist in LA that he liked, and was going to stay there because he had some new treatment he wanted to try. He said he'd even found a friend of a friend with a guest room willing to put him up for a while. I agreed to tolerate the distance. Well, long story short, he died before returning home.
I had to fly out there to take care of things. Upon my arrival, I discovered that he'd actually been living with another woman for many months, and telling all his friends I had divorced him. I don't know if there ever reallly was a doctor. His personal belongings were in her home, and she seemed to be under the impression I was his "ex," and not happy at my arrival. That was, by far, the most horrifying encounter I've ever experienced. She even produced photos of a wedding ceremony they'd had, explaining that it wasn't a legal marriage only because he didn't want her to be stuck with any medical debt. Right.
I don't think I've ever been so hurt and angry in all my life. I haven't felt completely okay since, and like I said, it's been 7 years. I doubt the validity of the entire marriage, and wonder what else was a lie? I've felt pretty empty and numb, withdrawn from several friends, my self esteem is in the toilet. And still, I miss him. That upsets me. He doesn't deserve my grief. I think it has been long enough, and I want to feel normal again. How do I reconcile loving and hating the same person?
