Daisy3228

Kay, you made me laugh when I read you hugged the maintenance person. I wondered whether you would have hugged them if they were a male? Probably not I'm guessing. I do understand what you mean about missing that contact, I'm missing it too. I find myself snuggling up to my dog more than I used it, just to have contact with a warm body. She's a 14 year old Jack Russell and luckily for me she enjoys the snuggles. I like to bury my face into her fur and really inhale her scent, it feels calming to me. I think you're right, that unless you've been there, you can't understand how vulnerable and sensitive bereaved people are, I didn't know either till it happened to me. And yes, the little joys work for me as well. I find I feel much better when I'm doing the things that give me pleasure, or at the very least, doing something productive everyday. I think your plan is a good one too, sometimes we just need to be ready to make changes. It sounds like you are and are taking steps to broaden your horizons in a way that works for you. That's been a key for me, sifting through friends suggestions, maybe trying some out, but in the end doing what "feels right". Sometimes you just don't know unless you try it out. Warmly Daisy

Thanks Marty, I appreciate it. Yesterday while I was walking on the quiet beach, I had a light bulb moment and thought of another good strategy I could employ if I saw someone on my local beach that I didn't want to talk to. I'd whip out my mobile (cell) phone and pretend to have a conversation as I walk past. Then all I need to do is nod a greeting but keep moving. It amazes me sometimes how the answer can come when your mind is calm and body relaxed. All the best Daisy

I see it's been a while since anyone posted on this thread, but as an introvert, I thought I'd add my thoughts to it as well. I recently started a new topic called How Are You?, where I talked about the difficulties I found trying to go for a walk and Well Meaning People stopping me to ask How I Was. After that post and following everyone's advice, I did my best to minimise conversations and to keep walking, but despite my best efforts, there were some who were determined to Enquire After Me. After 3 days I was a mess, couldn't stop crying, feeling very anxious, sore back and exhausted. It was back to bed rest for me and I'm happy to say am feeling much better today. Once I calmed down and could think rationally, I decided it was best to keep a low profile and drive to a quiet beach 15 minutes away, and walk there. Such bliss, it was really relaxing and I didn't see anyone I knew, or need to constantly scan around in case I had to brace myself for another Well Meaning Person. I've also decided to ask a friend to walk with me and run interference when I walk in my local area. I hope if people can see me out and about, they're less likely to approach me if I'm not alone. This way I'm hoping the need for people to ask after me will diminish if they can see me back walking on a regular basis. Daisy

Hi Kay, I'm sorry you're missing your best friend. My oldest friend lives about 30 minutes away, and we talk every few days, unless I'm having a crisis! She is someone I could call anytime while Terry was ill, so I really feel for you. I hope with programs like Skype and FaceTime, you can still keep in touch in a meaningful way. I love walking on the beach with my dog, and the area I go most often is where we spread Terry's ashes, so it's extra special for me. I also love the mountains, our family loved to ski and snowboard, and we had some great snow holidays in the US and Canada. Do you like being in the mountains where you live? I know what you mean about reading, I found it really hard to concentrate initially, but doing better now. After Terry died I read a few books written by people who had also lost their spouses, so it was probably the need to educate myself about grief and reading other peoples stories that got me back to it. Also light escapist fiction or a new releases from my favourite authors worked for me as well. I really love being able to immerse myself in another place and time. I find crocheting therapeutic and soothing, and I imagine you'd get this with your card making as well.

Thank you Jo, and I'm sorry for your loss as well. My apologies to Kay, Anne and Jan for not acknowledging your losses in my earlier post. I'm really sorry that you've lost your loved ones too. I've just come back from a walk on the beach, it's a lovely sunny spring day here, and strengthened by your advice, I employed 3 different strategies for the 3 people I came across. The first person lost her husband to suicide 5 years ago, she's lovely and not at all intrusive, and she told some of the ways she went about managing the same issue. The second person was someone I didn't want to talk to, and as I saw her in the distance, I was able to make a detour and not meet up. The third person I said smiled and said good morning to, and just kept walking. She was absolutely fine with that and return my smile and greeting. I left the beach feeling more confident and less tense, only to be undone by a song in the car on the way home. Oh well- those cleansing tears!! Marty, thank you for your advice about putting myself first, something I certainly need to work on. Bringing up a family conditions women to place others first, and I now need to decondition that particular programming. I'll read the articles and learn some strategies to protect myself. I still have my life to live and don't want to "hide away" at home. For me resuming the things that give me pleasure helps me to move forward. Daisy

Dear Kay, Anne and Jan, thank you for your kind replies. I'm 60 in November, and have an anxiety condition call Complex PTSD, (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) a result of an abusive childhood. As you rightly point out, I'm still very fragile after Terry's illness and death, and PTSD adds another layer of anxiety and stress to what is already a very difficult time for me. I live by myself with my dog. I'm a keen reader, gardener and crocheter, and quite enjoy my solitude. I also meditate and practise mindfulness. I have two adult children, my son lives close by, and my daughter a couple of hours away. I'm also very fortunate that I have a great group of close friends that are very supportive and I can contact when I need to talk, vent or cry. They regularly visit me and we go walking together. Last week I had a session with a grief councillor and was told I'm doing really well. I think all the work I've done over the years to recover from PTSD has provided me with many life skills to help me at this horrible time. Kay and Anne, I do sometimes go to more out of the way places, but I live on the coast, and with the approach of the warmer weather here in Australia, I'd like to return to walking on the beaches with my dog. Most regular walkers are at the beach, people I've met over the years with their dogs, so there's a quite a community of walkers that I've formed casual relationships with. We usually just say hello or comment on the weather, and I'll really just like to get back to that sort of quick contact. What sometimes happens is that as I move along the beach, I'm stopped multiple times and I end up crying or anxious. Jan, I think what you said about talking at a time of my own choosing is the problem. I think that because I'm out in public, people think I'm ready to resume normal and everyday conversations, and I'm not. I just want to walk. Most want to talk about Terry and his illness and death, and because of the PTSD, it's triggering and re-traumatizing me. Even wearing a hat, sunglasses, listening to my iPod with my earphones in my ears isn't a barrier to people stopping me. A friend has suggested that I don't make eye contact and just keep on walking and ignore people, using my body language, but that feels quite rude when people mean well and are being kind. I guess my problem is that Terry and I know so many people, and it feels like I've lost my privacy and personal space. Any thoughts would be gratefully received. Daisy

Hi everyone, my husband Terry was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer in November last year, and died in early July, aged 60. We've lived in a smallish town for almost 40 years, so know many of the local people. I've always been very active, and I walk at least an hour every day, as well a practising yoga to manage a chronic back condition. While Terry first became ill, exercise was a really great stress buster for me, however it eventually became difficult because so many people would stop me to ask after Terry, and instead of walking being relaxing, it became very stressful, causing me a lot of anxiety. I was always scanning around hoping I wouldn't run into anyone I know and would have to have THAT conversation again. I needed a break from the details of his treatment and progress, and I felt really frustrated that I couldn't even go for a walk in peace. For the same reason, I went to the supermarket really early in the morning after being reduced to tears too often. I want to start walking again but now have the problem of people asking me how I'm going, and wanting to talk about Terry, his illness, death, cancer etc, and I just can't stand it anymore. I want to be more forward focused and recover from what has the most traumatic seven months of my life. Continually talking about it is makes me anxious and is re-traumatizing me. I realise that people are being kind and compassionate, but I wish the vast majority would just leave me alone now. Has anyone dealt with this situation and can offer me some advice? Daisy