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About sharirouse

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 10/18/1993

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  • MSN

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  • Your gender
  • Location (city, state)
    New Mexico
  • Interests
    Im 23 and an MT. I like to blog, read and write and just hang out. Im up late so talk to me if you need it!

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
    September 7, 2014
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NW New Mexico Home Care & Hospice

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  1. sharirouse

    Saying goodbye to a large chunk of my life

    Yeah, burying her was very hard. I had to reclose her eyes because the blanket opened them. Ugh. Those sweet sweet eyes. I laid down with her pet her ear before my mom came out with and helped me. I dont think she suffered, especially since I prayed that once she began to suffer, she would die peacefully in her sleep. By God, she did. Im glad Im not alone in feeling this way but its very hard. Too bad they cant last forever. Thank you for your kind words. I at least have another pooch to help me through the hardest times.
  2. So Sunday night, I found my large chocolate lab had died. I went out there as usual to give her some medicine (antibiotics since we are fighting eye worms). While talking to the other dog, I realized that she hadn't stirred. Not a big deal since she was pushing 13 and was hard of hearing. I walked over to her, patted her on the side and realized it felt wrong. SHE felt wrong. She was...hard. She has always been stiff in the sense that she had osteoarthritis in her hind legs and she was about 94 lbs. Anyway, I panicked. I was hoping she just wasn't awake but I ran in the house and got my mom to check. Nope, she was truly gone. I thought she died with her eyes open but she died in her sleep. Just as I had wished when the time came but I feel so guilty! We recently got a puppy. He is my moms though. This dog and the other large dog were mine. I was telling my mom earlier that day that I felt like a bad dog mom because I need to spend time with them more but haven't because the puppy is a small breed, afraid of them, and cant be left alone yet. I was lucky enough to pet her a bit earlier that day but I feel like I should have been spending more time with her. I just wanted her to know, without a doubt in her mind, that I loved the heck out of her. I was able to get the hole dug and bury her that night but man I cant stop seeing her cold body. I don't think she had been dead long. She wasn't warm but she wasn't cold like she had been lying there for hours. I had found her after dark so that makes me feel worse. I have never found a dead pet like that and I would be glad if I could never again. I lost my other old dog (who was also 12) in 2015 on Christmas eve. She technically arrested and died at the vet but she recovered enough for me to say goodbye. Then we put her down. Im glad both have technically gone on their own but damn I wish I could "see her off." Poor girl. I know a lot of people have been mentioning guilt and how its a part of grief but its still just so suffocating and hard to get out of. UGH.
  3. sharirouse

    Is it Grief, or Just...Life?

    This is a very late reply but I feel the same way. I have lost interest in a lot of things. I too drift away from the forum and then here I am. Im hoping its just the resurfacing of grief but I do have little interest now. I don't watch much tv more or get on my computer like I used to. I just sleep, eat and work! Maybe that's adulthood though. Its very boring though. Im in therapy and it helps a little but its still hard. It at least keeps me accountable.
  4. sharirouse

    Anxiety and Therapy

    Kay, you could be very right. I think it is. I mean the therapist doesn't think all of my issues come from grief, which makes sense but it still plays a large role. I was with a friend the other day and we were talking about your dads, as hers died of cancer as well, about 10 yrs ago. She is ten years older than me so she must of lost him around the same age I lost mine. We were talking about the last moments and omg I cried in public! I thought I had more control than that. I know its fine to cry but wow! Do you have diabetes? The weird thing with my mom is that she really takes care of it. I mean, Im not just saying that because shes my mom, but she really pays attention. I think her body chemistry has changed because she doesn't need her quick acting at night anymore. She knew something was wrong with her but couldn't figure out how to fix it. Since then, we have gotten Revolar, which tells me and my stepdad that her sugar is low, assuming she pushes the button, so we can keep an eye on her no matter when she is. it has a gps tracker. it doesn't alert the police though but that's fine. I cant be glued to her for the rest of my life but its hard to not get scared. How will I ever leave?! lol
  5. sharirouse

    Anxiety and Therapy

    Thank you Marty! I actually live with my mom currently so that I am very thankful for too, cant imagine if I didn't but now that's going to make me scared to leave! lol Whats weird is that she is usually very good at taking care of it as she has had it her entire life (neonate) and I think something is just going on in her body because we just now realized that she needs to be taking less insulin because she isn't having many highs, just a lot of lows. Lets just hope I don't get scared and clam up at the therapist! But thank you for your kind words!
  6. sharirouse

    Anxiety and Therapy

    Hi all, So part of this kind of has to deal with grief and then some of it not (maybe) so bear with me. I have started going to therapy. Not grief therapy, but real therapy for everything. My anxiety is getting worse and I freak out over some of these most stupid things! I also cannot pay attention for the life of me. If you are talking to me for too long, about anything, I will space off. The therapist thinks I am finding other things to worry about so I don't have to worry about some more of the bigger things. Sounds very plausible to me! Anyway, last month I had to call the EMTS for my mom. She was basically in a diabetic coma when I got home and was luckily able to wake her up. My step dad was out of town so my mom was home alone. I knew something was up because she hadn't returned my phone calls since 9 and hadn't told me goodnight. I get off at 11 pm. I raced home and found her. Her blood glucose was around 20. and for those of you that don't know, normal healthy blood glucose levels should be 70-110 ish. The brain only runs on glucose so she was very close to seizures and death if I had waited an hour or so longer. Scared the heck out of me and I am really thinking about that fact that I only have her left and she could be gone in an instant. We have since found ways for her to contact us (like a medical alert but does not contact the officials). So now I just want to be glued to her side and cant. Its very scary. Could be one of my bigger "issues."
  7. sharirouse

    Anxiety and can't function

    I am so sorry for both of your losses, one loss is hard enough, I cant even fathom two that close together! I definitely don't think you are going crazy and I can definitely see why your anxiety is increasing. This is all so new and its unknown territory that you were forced into! Its hard learning to navigate in a world without your parents. One thing to remember is to take care of yourself. We all deal with grief differently, I just so happened to gain weight! Just make sure you are eating and sleeping the best that you can and you can work through all the mental grief here with all of us! Sometimes you just have to let your emotions out and that might help with all of the panic attacks and such. Just really give into the emotions. It hurts but you need to really feel and go through those hormones because you cant run away from them. Trust me, Ive tried. If you need to cry like a baby and scream then go for it! It really helped me relieve some of that pain. Kay is so right too, it is self centered but don't feel bad about that because no one else is going to go through YOUR grief. Just you! And don't be embarrassed by your emotions. I completely understand where you are coming from. I wailed at my dads memorial and I probably sounded like a blubbering idiot and could hardly get the words out but I tried by best. If you think itll help, why don't you talk to them? I still talk my dad after two years. I was grief stricken the other day thinking of his last moments and I just wanted to weep but I couldn't cause I was work lol
  8. sharirouse

    Grief has forced me face all of my fears

    Kay, I hope so! I think they might be right now for me but Im holding myself back. I actually had a pyschic read me the other day, it was just through a picture. My profile picture actually. She (or he?) told me to focus on myself right now and that I look like I had something on my mind. It was definitely true lol And thank you Marty! I will definitely look into that book. I already ordered 3 books off amazon in the last two months LOL its a dangerous site for books. That quote is very true. Ive noticed that when soemthing unfavorable happens, I find myself thinking "ugh, this again?"
  9. sharirouse

    Grief has forced me face all of my fears

    Miss Ngu, thank you for you condolences, i appreciate it! I am ready to be enlightened and not apalled anymore LOL it definitely feels like the rose colored glasses her slapped off my face! Im trudging along and I will always be Okay, and if not, Ill get there but there are still those internal battles. Im almost not shocked anymore. I still adjusting to a different world view without my dad. Sorry for the loss of your mom, I can only imagine how its been without my mom. ugh. And you are welcome for the topic, I hope it helps people like the "Abandoned" thread, because we have alllll felt abandoned once grief has struck. Kay, maybe I was robbed too. I feel like my life is very interesting, its definitely not one of those great suburban neighborhood, white picket fence lives, thats for sure. And maybe its happening now because I would explode when I am older lol. Right now, Im just full of expletives! I dont know if I have ever had carefree years, especially since I have anxiety but I also knew that since my dad was older, his life would be cut short (in my eyes). He was 50 when I was born so I knew I had maybe 40 years if lucky. I just had a dark moment the other night and realized I have lived through all of my current biggest fears. Other than things we hope to never experience (tornadoes, hurricanes, etc.) but you know what I mean. Im trying to not be hardened from the world but I just want to scream sometimes!
  10. Ever since my dad died, I have had to face multiple of my fears. My biggest deepest fears too. In the last two years, Ive dealt with: the death of a parent, the betrayal of a family member, being alienation from my "friends", pieces of sh!t people just throwing low blows and a deep loneliness that I have only ever read about. It feels like a lot more when I think about but I have never experienced more hardship than I have in the last two years. These are things I have hoped I would never have to face and I was forced through them! I know it has made me a stronger person but oh my GOSH. What the hell!? Am I the only one who feels this way?
  11. It is truly incredible how many people leave you high and dry when someone passes away. I just want to shake my fist at those women. I actually got into an argument with a friend the other day because she couldn't get over her ex boyfriend that she got pregnant from. He doesn't even care about the child or her. Yet she tells me that she has no motivation and is sad and so forth but when I tried to tell her what to do and how to feel better and that I understand she was saying that explaining her pain wouldn't help because Im not getting it. We stopped talking for a few days and I have changed my mind about her. I don't see how people can try to make themselves the victims and tell you that you don't "get it." Get it? I have lived IT. I wanted to die when my dad died?! What do you MEAN I don't get "IT"? If you looked up the definition of "IT" you would see my face! Like what! That is so stupid! Ive also had someone else try to tell me about their dating problems (more like she was sleeping around but I digress) an exact month after my dad passed. I told her no. Never contacted her again because I was so close to screaming I DONT CARE. So believe me, you aren't alone! Im glad you have forgiven her for your sake but like Kay said, don't waste your breath. She is an idiot. She is still breathing and we cant say the same for some people so she had no room to try to compare her issues to yours right now. I try not to ever minimize other peoples pain and such because loss it loss and pain is pain but your cousin is a derp. Just ignore her because I also think that she will put the blame on someone else. One day she will understand the pain of death and lets just hope she remembers how rude she was about it. And omg family can be worse than friends after someone dies. Its horrible. I don't talk to my brother now and don't really care to again. As for the pastor, I cannot stand people who claim to be close with God and be his right hand person but they are horrible examples of what Godly people do. She needs to pray a little harder for herself because shes dumb too! Just let her go and if she really wants to "not give up" on you then she better try harder. Lastly, I am so glad you have a little pet to take care of and I loved seeing everyones pets, they were adorable. I had my dads therapy dog, she wasn't officially trained but she was a therapy dog. She used to put him to bed and wait until he fell asleep to run off! She comforts me and shes great. I think they really understand us and give us what we need.
  12. sharirouse

    Can't seem to do anything!

    I definitely went through that but am feeling better, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I actually went to a grief counselor, like Kay suggests, and I think it really helped. I had little exercises to do and I think it opened my eyes and really made me face the facts. I know this sounds weird, but I found that saying it out loud that my dad had died, had really helped me accept it. I used to lie to people and say he was okay, up until he passed away so I had horrible denial and then I got slammed with grief. Maybe you just need a good cry and need to scream and really dig into the sad feelings and let them out. I know that my dad didn't want me to sit her and weep forever over him, he wants me to succeed and be happy and he can enjoy that with me. Do you talk to your mom? Ive found that it helps, especially when I really need some help.
  13. sharirouse

    Guess I have anticipatory grief

    Im so sorry to hear about your loss but I am so glad you were by her side in her weakest moments. I know that is the best thing you could have ever done. I think its very important, more now than ever, to focus on being healthy, especially mentally healthy. Its so easy to just want to lie in bed forever and by all means, you have a right too, but you don't want to get into a deep darkness that you cant get out off. I actually didn't do this when I was grieving and gained a bunch of weight while grieving, oh man Taco Bell was there when I needed it, especially after grief therapy! Take it slow and nurture your soul. Im glad you are here because you can vent to us whenever you need to.
  14. sharirouse


    Dreams are horrible sometimes. I used to pray that I would see my dad in them and be able to talk to him but in every dream, I knew he was dead and they were more...memory style? Definitely not a fan. Regret is always the worst part because its so suffocating! I feel like those songs are kind of like a little message for you. Maybe he wants you to see the beauty in life again, even though that sounds utterly impossible right now. Have you tried talking to him? I talk to my dad out loud sometimes and I think it helps. Tell him everything you wanted to say, or write a letter to him. I feel that he definitely had an idea of how you felt, especially since he wanted to see you
  15. sharirouse

    Ended a friendship

    Hi Gigi! Almost a year later but I have a reply! I definitely want children and I have to keep reminding myself to not look past all of the things I don't like about him. That sounds mean but just the way he acts towards some females. Although every single time I decide I will stop talking to him, he starts messaging me lol. And thank you! It was hard and I don't know how I did it but I also know I was not allowed to stop. Both parents told me I had to continue on. I think Ill look into that. Im better but I still have some issues.