Karen2424

Thank you both for the kind words.

It seems like forever and like time is standing still all at the same time. It seems like it is getting harder too. I can't take a shower with out breaking down crying. It's anger and sadness. I want to scream and cry at the same time. I hate this so much!! I'm doing all I can to keep it together at work. I cry in the bathroom and then pull myself together to walk out. Today was just awful at work. I came in later because one of my kids had a dentist appointment so I had to sit in another seat. I got in trouble for having two drinks at my desk and one of them being a bottle with a twist top. I just wanted to leave crying. Not because of their stupid rules(which they just started about this stupid bottle/number of drinks rule) but because I sit there all day and think of my Dad and I just couldn't take it anymore. I sat there holding back the tears and dabbing my eyes with a tissue for the rest of my time but I was so angry. My Father is dead and they are yelling a me because of my twist top bottle and spill proof coffee cup!!! This is the job my Dad said he thought it was time I started looking for another job about. Man, Dad, you were sure right!

It's been 12 days since my Dad passed away. I find my thoughts keep going to he moment he died and imagining him. Did he have time to think he was dying? What did he do? Did he get up from the kitchen chair not feeling well and keel over? Did he say anything? Did he feel any pain? Did he feel it when he fell and hit his head? Was he scared that my Mom was not there? He was on the kitchen floor when my Mom got back from the store after being gone only one hour. He was face down and hands/arms down like he just fell forward and did not brace himself. The cause of death was listed as sudden cardiac arrest. I have been looking it up online and found that he would have needed a shock from a AED within 4-6 minutes to have any chance to survive. I keep wondering if my Mom had not left when she did would anything be different? Would it have mattered? If he had not fallen on the stone tile floor of the kitchen he would not have cracked his head and bleed out. Sorry for being so detailed. I just also keep imagining how my Mom found him when she walked in. She has told it over and over again and how much blood there was and seeing his head cracked. It has to be so hard to keep seeing that in her head too. I know she wonders the same thing. If she could have made a difference if she was there. I hate that he is gone. I hate that my kids don't have a Grandpa here to play with and learn from anymore. I hate the thought of him being cold in the ground. Oh, this is just so hard!!

Thank you Mary. Yes he was wonderful. I wish in hindsight that I appreciated him more and did not do some of the things I did as a kid. I guess that is normal though. I went back to work today for the first time since he passed. I have a job doing data entry so we don't talk to anyone while working and boy oh boy was that hard! I have an ipod to listen to podcasts but sitting with just my thoughts is so hard. I only told two people there about my Dad passing. I work as a temp along with other temps so this work site does not treat us like their actual employees so we kind of have to just keep quite and work. The hours lately have been cut down a lot and when I told my Dad about it a few weeks ago he told me it sounds like it's time to find a new job. I think I need to listen to his advice and start looking. I also talked to my Mom today (I call every day now to see how she is) and she told me of an experience she had. I was so excited to hear it. It was later in the afternoon and the sun was out. She sat on the patio and was kind of falling asleep or like half awake and was startled by a figure of my father either running or flying by her. I have read of these visitations in twilight sleep and what she explained sounded like it. I have not had any signs lately and was happy to hear my Dad was near her. My Mom also has asked me a few times if Dad knew or felt like he would pass soon. He had his own obituary already written out which he did last winter. He told my Mom not to let anyone pressure her into doing anything she didn't want to after he passed like buying or selling something. He had told her things he wanted regarding the headstone. Maybe older people just talk about these things or maybe my Dad was just super organized but it seems strange some of the things he told her. Thanks for listening.

That is so sweet to have his robe hanging on the door. It warmed my heart to read that. My Mom is alone now and I worry about her. She has good neighbors though and I live about 15 min away, my sister and her husband 25 min away. My sisters daughter (the only granddaughter) has been staying overnight and will be back this Friday from college to stay again. It's just so hard. I stopped at the grocery store today and when leaving caught out of the corner of my eye a man in a jacket like my Dad had. I think I gasped when I saw it thinking it was him. And the nurse called from school today and said my 7 year old hit his head, I could feel the panic take over my body because I was thinking of my Dad falling and hitting his head. It was like seeing a car wreck after you've been in one. Not a great feeling...it really scared me.

It is so strange to see them, but I really do see them. My cat was in a dream also. I believe I have seen an angel once before too. In the sky and all sound vanishes and overwhelming calm feelings. That was after I left the house because of a fight with my kids dad a few years ago. You can't look for them, they just find you.

Thank you all for the replies. I did read that article Marty. I am really feeling a lot of those reasons for being angry. Especially when I see an older man I think my be my Dad's age and I wonder why he is still alive and able to be with his family and my Dad is not. It's so hard. My Mom was telling me again how she found my Dad and she is still wondering what happened. She mentioned talking to Dad's Dr. and questioning him about Dad's heart and if it was worse than they let her believe. It is so hard when you don't know why he died and what happened and if he would have lived had he not cracked his head on the floor. I will also be thinking of this for a long time I think. It is the hardest part. Not knowing. This is not the road I wanted to be going down right now as I am sure no one wants to when it happens. My father was such a wonderful person and accomplished so much in his life. He was a teacher for 27 years and so many of his past students say how he was the best teacher at school and how many wonderful memories they have from his drafting classes and driver education classes. I of course did not appreciate it that my father was in the same high school as me and I could never get away with anything! Now I wish I could go back and do a lot over but the past is past. My Dad was so liked by everyone, even the dental hygienist he saw came to the calling hours. How many times does that happen?? I'm so sad for my Mom too. They were married for 50 years just this past June. They did so much together and had so many good times. She say's she is walking around the house talking and no one is there. She says she thinks he is in the room but looks around and he is not. His things are still around the house like his shoes and pants hanging up in the bathroom. My Mom gave me a little envelope of some things he was saving from my kids like card and pictures. They are so sweet to see. Thanks for listening.

I have been having lots of different feelings. I hate taking a shower because I always end up crying. I get angry when I am thinking of my dad and my kids run in being loud and so I yell at them to stop and get really mad. I feel like all I have is my thoughts. Last night I started thinking of how I needs someone in my life to take care of me, like a boyfriend/husband. I have been w/o a partner for about 4 years. I live with just my 3 kids and have enjoyed not having to take care of a man too. My relationship with my 2 youngest kids father was not healthy and made me not want to be with someone. Now I think I am ready to get back in the relationship game. My kids dad does not see them either and I think not that my dad has passed I really want them to have male role model. Today is a beautiful day. Just the same as last Sunday when my dad passed. I will be going over to my parents house with my kids today just like every past Sunday. It will be really hard without my dad there.

Thank you

Thank you. I think I will share a few now. There are three that I think are really strong signs 1. I seem to be seeing signs in the clouds a lot. I was at my kitchen sink after coming home Tue. from a stressful time of getting a top and sunglasses for the funeral and I was pretty distraught. I looked up (I have a lot of trees tops out my window being on the 2nd floor and can see some sky above them) and I noticed pretty clearly a horse head and the front leg bent like a race horse racing(my day did like watching horse racing) and I said out loud, Are you at the races? I looked to the left slightly and saw a human figure in a circle kind of like a cameo with head and shoulders, it developed wings and moved side to side as if to show them to me. I lifted my hand and waved saying Hi Dad and it formed a hand to wave back, then it turned into a smiley face, and then to my cats face, and then to the dog my dad had as a boy (I have seen in pictures) and then it was gone but I had an extremely calm feeling. I feel like he was letting me know he is an angel and he is alright. 2. Wed. at the sink again I looked out and saw a heart shaped cloud. (I have read that they are signs and have seen a few over the past days). I said, There you are Dad, and the strangest thing happened. it turned into angel wings. The one on the right was a perfectly shaped beautiful angel wing and I got chills through my whole body. I was a very surreal experience. 3. I have also read that pennies or dimes found are signs. I went to my kids school on Thur for the book fair. When I was leaving I thought about finding pennies or dimes and looked down at the ground. I thought of course I will not find any if I am looking. It was a beautiful sunny day with lots of fluffy clouds. I got in my car, shut the door and looked to the left and this shiny circle caught my eye. I could not tell if it was a coin or piece of metal. I thought to myself you have got to be kidding me, is this a sign? I opened the door and got out and found a penny heads up. I knew this has to be a sign. I'm sure I will have more to share over the days. Thank you all.

Thank you all for the posts. You all seem so kind here. I am glad I found this page. Little Girl it is comforting to hear that you also replay the moments in your head. And some part of me knows it was his time to go. There have been lots of little things I can remember leading up to this that tell me the same thing. I have been thinking a lot about death lately over the past few months. My dad being 87 I knew he could die. He did have some health problems. He had a heart doctor and was taking Coumadin for irregular heartbeat, lung problems from years of smoking even though he quit 40 years ago, vertigo and dizzy spells. He was not physically ill the day he passed away though. He was in fact excited to go the pumpkin farm with the grandkids my mom said. Somedays I would be really sad at the thought of him passing. Even when a celebrity passed away a while ago I really took it to heart and felt like I was grieving for him for weeks even though I did not know him. I had constant thoughts of him when I went to sleep and woke and it made me really sad. Now, I think somehow I was practicing for my dad passing. It sounds weird to say that. My cat died about a year and a half ago and my dad buried her in his backyard for me. I had a dream the first night after he passed and Lily, my cat, was in it. I don't know if any of you believe in signs but I think she is there with him. I have had a few what I believe are signs over the past week and I don't know if it okay to share those here but I will if it is.

MartyT thank you for your reply. Yes I have always struggled with showing emotion. It was really not done in family. We weren't hugging and saying I love you stuff. Although I wish it was different it is hard to change. My kids do see me sad and I tell them it is because of Grandpa being gone. My youngest son is real lovey and always gives me hugs. He is so helpful to me. Thank you again.

This is my first post here and I hope it will give me some relief. My Dad passed away suddenly last Sunday the 28th. He was 87, would have been 88 in December. We (me, my 7 and 8 yr olds and my Mom) were going to go the pumpkin farm that day. My mom went to the store around 10 am and returned in about an hour. She walked in the back door to find him face down on the stone tile floor of the kitchen, his coffee cup still warm on the table. He was laying flat on his stomach with his arms straight down underneath him. He had cracked his head (which my mother said she could see) and was laying in a pool of blood on the floor. She of course was in a panic and called 911 but he was gone. She kept saying she shouldn't have left him alone. He was falling asleep a lot lately and a couple months ago fell out of the kitchen chair on to the same stone floor and cracked a couple ribs and also got a huge goose egg on his head. I was running late getting ready that day because my kids were acting up and a little after 1pm I saw I had missed calls on my phone from my brother in law. I didn't call him, but I called my mom's house. My sister picked up and said my dad passed away. When I got over there the state troopers were there and we waited for the funeral director to arrive. I did not see my dad on the floor but my mom looked again and completely broke down. I can only imagine what it looked like and I still play the scene over and over in my head. I am having the most problem with not knowing what actually happened. Did he have a heart attact? cardiac arrest? If he had not cracked his head on the floor would he have just passed out and woke up? Did he die before he fell and cracking his head did not matter? If my mom did not go to the store then would she have been able to save him or help him? Or would it have been worse if she was there to see him die? What if it happened while he was driving and we all died? I had been doing alright up till after the funeral yesterday. I am not the type to show emotions in front of my family and managed to not cry during the whole day. We went to funeral home for a final viewing, the procession to the church (my 16 yr old was a paul bearer), the arrival at church with the bag pipe player playing beautiful irish songs as we brought dad in to the church, the church ceremony, the procession to the grave side, the military salute including 3 shots fired and the military officers folding the flag that was on the casket and presenting it to my mom on behalf of the president, and finally back to the church for a luncheon. It was a very long, tiring but beautiful day. I usually took my kids over to Grandma's and Grandpa's every Sunday for playing and dinner and to do some laundry and run to the store myself while the kids played. My kids had been acting up for the past few weeks but this last Sunday we were there with Grandpa they were very good. We ended the day with them tossing the football in the front yard and Grandpa was sitting in a chair and got to see the great spirals my 7 yr old could throw over and over again. One of the kids thew a ball right over Grandpa's head too. We were all having a good time and I am so grateful my kids we good and having fun with Grandpa the last time they played with him. We waved goodbye from the car as driving away like we did every Sunday. I did not know it would be the last time we could do that. He wanted so much to make it to my kids high school graduation. He told me to get him there even if it was in a wheelchair. He would have been 99. I am so sad. My mind just keeps going back to it all and all the memories. I have not been able to eat much. And I don't feel like doing anything even though I need to take care of my kids and go grocery shopping. Thank you for letting me share.