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Elly57

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Everything posted by Elly57

  1. Ohhhhhh Kayc. THANK YOU for remembering me, I was in a very dark place for a long while....as I say I'm not out of the woods but daylight is peaking through the trees. You made me smile from ear to ear that you remembered me. I suppose I wanted to tell you all, as much and I wanted to skip the grieving process and the dark nights and tough times, I just couldn't. I had the 'mother' of bad days in February 2016.....I had no idea my heat exchanger had broken in the furnace....Just one more thing I had to deal with. After a week (we had a warm snap) I'd had my window open for the week to sleep. I called a company I knew the owner of in to look at the furnace.... it wasn't getting warm in the house. She sent out a young kid that look all of 12 years old....I guess I'm getting old. This 'wiper snapper' fired that sucker up and the house start to get warm....Yippee....I was so pleased after I had been dragging my self esteem and self worth around the floor for months, crying at every opportunity...I almost hugged him. Only to be told that he'd have to turn it off. He legally had to because of CO2 gas....He asked me if I had a detector in the house I said yes but I'd had the windows open. He told me I should have died...….OH that was all I needed to hear....I couldn't control my words at this point. …"Well F*%k me! You'll turn the heating off and let me die of hyperthermia but you can't let me die warm in my bed".... I'd have given anything for it to have taken me. I'd never do anything to myself but it was such a gift to take away my pain..... I apologized to the 12 year old by the way lol. Within three weeks I was taking off on a whirl wind, short notice trip to Dhabi and India with the doctor that looked after my husband for a short while. She and I had connected. She had family in India and wondered if I wanted to go with her. I said sure what else is there to do. She booked it with out telling me and we took off a week later. I saw some sights and situations I never want to see again. I was almost mugged one day as we were not on a tourist route. I was the only white person. We went to an NGO school that had disadvantaged kids of all ages and disabilities with clothes on which was 3 and 4 years too small for them. I could go on. It was an eye opener to put it mildly. I did things I'd never have the opportunity to ever do again. I came home from that trip a changed person. I was spiraling down, before that. It was a head turner....I'm not religious in anyway. She was and still is my angel. She's amazing. Oh I still have days I fall to the floor and just cry. But I know the other side of the coin too and feel very privileged and grateful......Things happen for a reason. I've stopped asking the 'why him' question. It'll never make sense to me. I lost the love of my life. As all of us here have. The key is finding a reason to live again. I don't have the answer but I do say yes to things much more often now. I want to live. …….I also want to apologize for my language in this piece but it was how it happened. Thank you again Kayc for remembering me.
  2. I’ve not contributed for quite some time. Years in fact. You were all here to help me through a very difficult time.....I had problems with my step children that wanted to sell the house I was living in. They insisted on seeing the will and abusive phone call from them. I was hurting just as much as them along with a lot of other people around us but it seemed I was the one that had to hold it all together and be strong for everyone and hide I was hurting and no idea how to deal with all the crap that was coming my way. You were all soooooo supportive and helpful. I’m not out of the woods. It’s now four years on. I’ve not seen my step children in the time. I lost my husbands family connection in the process. But ...But....I’m getting by. I gave myself permission to just ‘BE’ for as long as it takes. I make no apologies to any one any longer. If I don’t feel like an event or party I don’t go. My true friends understand. Yes, I lost a lot of friends too. They didn't know how to deal with this loss. Some stayed. I’ve made some amazingly supportive new friends that have lifted me up. However, the loneliness is still there. The lack of physical human closeness, hugs and sharing are so hard to be without. I’m due to retire in the next few weeks. I gave my two year notice as it takes a while to train a new person and I really needed to work to get myself out of the house and interact with others. Now I’m starting a new phase of my life without my partner.....It should have been ‘US’ together and enjoying our hard earned time together. I have to BE strong again. It’s just sucks...I do have another story I’d like to share. I bitter sweet story. I had and old house coat of my mums I couldn’t part with when she passed away. In 2005. When My husband passed in 2014 I had trouble parting with all of his shirts. I couldn’t bear to throw them or donate them. Other items I could. But his shirts, no. Over three years ago I unpicked my mothers house coat and husbands shirts at the seams.....and it just sat....I felt horrible at what I’d done and there it just sat for three years. This year I wanted to tackle projects and get them finished before I retired. So I worked diligently to construct the fabric into Memory Bears. My mums ones wore most of her pins, necklaces and earrings that my dad have given her on wedding anniversaries. And my husbands ones wore ties with his Cami ( place he worked) pins for excellent attendance, along with his embroidered name from his t shirt on the foot so when they sit you can see his name. They all had red hearts ♥️ in the apropriate place and a lable on the underside at the back with ‘made with Love for you’ I gave one each of the bears to my kids on Christmas Day......I earned my stripes as a parent......I made my grown kids cry like babies. Not a dry eye in the house. He wasn’t their natural dad but was in all intents and purposes. I keep trying each and every day to be a great mother and leave such precious memories for them. I was strong all day and then they left and I went for a walk in the dark so I didn’t have to say ‘Hi’ to anyone and I had my thoughts to myself. Today is a ‘ME’ day. I’ve earned it. I know this story was long but I need to share this with you all. I wish you all....Love, Hugs and most of all Peace. I love you all. Thank you for allowing me to share this. ♥️
  3. It’s been a couple of years now that I have contributed to this site.....I’ve tried all sorts of new things to try to ease the pain of loss. The signs you all speak of, I’v also felt or seen. At random times. Odd but welcome moments.Some explainable others not so much. Now I tend to go with the flow more and appreciate the reminders with a rye smile and acknowledgment. I’ve given up trying to explain them. Or ask questions. I just love them all. I’ve come back here for support and guidance because I feel we all support each other if only by reading some posts and identifying with them. To know I remain alone, but not alone. Thank you.
  4. One thing I've learned in all this......wether you were with your partner one year or 50 years, it make no difference. The depth of your love is what counts. The time we've had counts, to each and every one of us. When people say oh you were only together for a short time. That makes me so angry. I was married for 17 years and we had ups and downs but my love never wavered.
  5. I actually do want to move on.....I want the pain to stop. I love to giggle and have fun. I get a. Lot of good feedback,.....'you're doing really well....you're looking much better.....You'll find someone.....' Good grief! I have so many questions. Why did it happen? why is it still happening? What do I have to learn before I can be happy again? .....Or in deed how do I make all these things happen? It's as if I'm looking for meaning in my life to it to continue. What's the meaning of my life if I can't be happy and help others? Or do something to get happiness in return. So many questions.
  6. I too am living what everyone is saying. My husband passed 18 months ago and it seems like yesturday. I've managed to put that. Brave face of because people don't want me crying all the time. ( even though I've never done that with them.) I do see a councillor every month and belong to a grief support group. I have lost all of my family apart from my two kids. They can't handle me if I show signs of being upset. It upsets them. I'm so tired of being strong for everyone. I've two of my husband really good friends (they have offered several times to come and help go through some of my husbands specalized tools to see what I should do with them. I've asked them over the last 8 months to come by. The last time I asked I said I won't ask again it wold be up to them to set the time aside to come by. Nothing. I also asked if this was too difficult for them to do and both said no. I'm so angry and fed up. I'm trying to move forward but people are so ......oh yes you can count on me......I'll be there for what every you need, you know that.........you just have to say ........you must come over and not be on your own..........When to these people think it's going to happen? I'm not begging. Empty promises. If I wanted my house like a shrine to my husband then I'd understand that. If I'd asked and when they came over I was crying all the time or I couldn't go through his things then again I'd understand them backing off. I love my husband still and always will. I miss him daily.....no hourly...... I went to a funeral on Saturday. One I was dreading. I've never been to funerals, that was my husbands job. I have a Phobia of them and he always went as our representative. The only funerals I've been to is my Dad's.....Mothers.....brothers and now my husbands...... I've lost all my family. This one was so important to me and to my friend. (It was a four hour round trip for me. On my own to see her and be there for her.) We met in Mexico when my husband and I traveled for alternative treatment there and we spent three months as careers for our spouses. Her husband lived 18 months longer than my husband but we have kept in contact since we left Mexico........I coudn't go into the room where the visitation was without knowing if it was an open casket. I asked someone to give me the layout of the room and where was the wife before I entered. I took my courage in my hands and walked straight towards her and never looked right or left. She was so shocked and surprised to see me. We held each other tightly for a long time. She introduced me to her family and I left for the chapel. I sat and silently in a pew and cried throughout the service. Our husbands were In a similar line of work, they had a very familiar upbringing and their outlook on life was the same. It was bitter sweet for me. I left straight after the service for the long journey home. I'm so fed up with this personal journey I'm on. I'm just treading water all the time. I hate being strong and just want to shout and scream. I'm diying inside, everyday. I want the joy back in my life again. I want to hold that persons hand that cares for me. I want close human interactions. I miss being personal. I miss life. I miss my dead family, I'm fed up........ I wish you all peace, life, joy and lots of love still to come to each and every one of you. I feel your pain too.
  7. Gosh It's 5 month on and now my thoughts have more focused on 'am I really going to have to spend the rest of my days without the love of my husband and without the love of a husband' .....this makes my heart hurt so much to be without love.
  8. Thank you. I didnt write it but I thought we'd all feel the words. It was a friend that sent it to my dauhter on face book, She had lost her father too. I read it every day and take it to heart. It means so much and exactly how I feel. I take strenght from it. I hope everyone here does too. I had to share it. Please feel free to pass it on to other topics here if you feel they need this too.
  9. As I sit in heaven and watch you everyday, I try to let you know with signs I never went away. I hear you when you’re laughing, and watch you as you sleep. I even place my arms around you to calm you as you weep. I see you wish the days away, begging to have me home. So I try to send you signs so you know you are not alone. Don’t feel guilty that you have life that was denied to me. Heaven is truly beautiful, just you wait and see. So live your life, laugh again, enjoy yourself, be free. Then I know with every breath you take You’ll be taking one for me.
  10. I look forward to being with my husband again. The trouble is I don't want my life to be a waste. If I'm rushing to be with him then I'm not enjoying the time I have now. I find I long to give people hugs, I hang on a little longer with them as being in their arms, no matter if they are male or female, it feels so good. To feel my husbands hugs would be so amazing. We hugged a lot, held hands all the time, sat close together, finished each other's thoughts. I shall never find that again and I long for that.
  11. Butch Please keep coming back here. We are all here to support you. I feel your distress too. You are not alone. Elly57
  12. OH dear, I feel your pain too. I feel so alone and anti social, it's as though I'm alone that makes me invisible. Just three months for me. I need to be needed. I met one of my husbands friends yesterday for a social meeting at a sledge hockey game that is dear to my heart for one of the team players. My husband and the friend also played hockey together on a team. I figured if this was a public place then there wouldn't be a problem. I immediately felt this person was looking at this meeting as me moving on. I had a chat to him about this and we sorted it out. he was not offended but this is a new ball game for being social. My heart hurts so badly for me and my loss, I don't want to spend the rest of my life on my own but navigating all this and my signals i must be giving off is so new to me. I would love to have romance in my life again. But I want that romance with my husband. I miss him desperately......that is an understatement. Oh and the reason I met with the friend was to pass over my husbands hockey shirt, the team wants to hang it in their changing room with respect for my husband.
  13. Not long into the New Year and my heart hurts and my head is spinning and I'm still in disbelief. I so want to be the other side of all this.
  14. For 2015 ..........I am looking for my Father's strength and wisdom, my Mother's joy and grace, my Brother's sense of humour and my husband's love and compassion....They are all now my angels, too soon. I love them more each and every day. Elly
  15. ........................"wanting to find a way to escape the pain of grief, and wanting to escape the constant longing for something, anything, to change in my life so I would have some relief from the emptiness and and sorrow."................... I couldn't have put it better....this is exactly how i'm feeling. Fae....I need more fairy dust. thank you for the hugs. I go up to people and ask for hugs too.
  16. I have so many wonderful people around me but the one I love. I hurt today. I want this ache to go away. I want it to go away so badly. the 'want' hurts too. Elly
  17. Thank you all so much for the support you have given me and continue to do. I really need that. It feels like you are all my family now. No one understands like you. I wish I could take all of your pain away and send mine away too. Why do we have to suffer like this? My heart hurts, physically it hurts. Thank you so much. I do need support. I want to be a by stander and not the centre of attention. Elly
  18. Oh boy. I put on such a good front for Christmas Even ( when we celebrate) I didn't cook I just got finger foods. Did the washing up. had our little memorial for the loss of my husband and the ex husband, played the games, got drinks for everyone. went into another room and had a few tears then went back to act like nothing was wrong. Saw all our guests off. got to bed and here I am at 2am in the morning. Gosh it's tough pretending and very draining too. More of the same tomorrow. I cant wait to start taking Christmas down. I never, every thought I'd say that. I cant say I hate Christmas but I don't like it much at all this year. I feel like a wave of grief is setting in. I've been so good keeping going and now it feels like I cant stop the tide, from coming in.
  19. I've been following but not posting for a while. I too have had some difficulties and not wanting to add to the load. this time of year is tough. That's undeniable. I keep looking at it that if I don't do things now I'll only have to do them later. I cant avoid things, eventually i have to face them. As for counselling, i found it supportive and she validated my thoughts as I don't have anyone to bounce ideas off of but I didn't gel with the counsellor. I tried a few other things but eventually went to my doctor for anti depressants. non addictive and I shall ween myself off them in the spring in hope the brighter days will kick in too. I've had a double loss. My ex husband has also passed away. My two children 26 and 31 have lost two dads in two months. They are so upset as you can imagine. I had to quickly organize a flight back to England for them. They had to sort out his things, set up a solicitors to settle things and they brought their dads ashes back with them. I'm so proud of them. They have been my support and now I'm trying to be the same for them too. We have put a memorial picture for both my husband and their dad in the Christmas Tree and will light two candles to them and the friends that are coming on Christmas Eve will speak about their memory of each of them. Just a quick one line about them. After that we will have a few games and fun. I hope. My husband would really like that. He was a funny man and loved enjoying company. I wish everyone here a good Christmas and New Year. I mean that with all my heart. We all deserve some piece of mind and LOVE in our hearts. Elly
  20. Hubby is home. I'm so happy he is here with me. I feel calmer. I have also entered a mans world. I managed to sort the stabilizer for the gas tank in my husbands car for over the winter. I shall use it from time to time but will sell it in the spring. I also have found out how to buy furnace filters. Who knew there was such a choice.
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