Elly57

This was a reading we had at my husbands funeral just a few weeks ago. I found it very comforting and will always. Thank you for posting this Elly

Thank you so very much Marty for your link 'the fog lifts only to reveal secondary losses' Wow! Did that ever hit home. I'm not even there yet but now I can be prepared for what I'm worried about and to know it's normal too. I only wish I could hug my mum right now and say, I have a much clearer picture of her loss when my dad died. No one knows how this feels till you walk in our shoes. The wound will heal but the scar will always remain. Thank you........

Hello sue I too am new to this site and being a widow, just 20 days. However, as much as any of us don't want to be here I have found it to be the only supportive place for me to be, with others that actually understand the consuming grief we are all feeling. Never fear to post anything you are feeling as others may feel the same but haven't said anything. I'm very scared that the first year is going to be traumatic but I fear the second one to be worse. The 'firsts' have already been difficult to handle. A birthday so soon, and many difficult decisions in the first month I totally didn't expect. My husband and I tried to pre empt some things that would come to me after he passed. The second year I fear, because that's when all the running and decision making should be completed, then the reality of life needs to kick in. I'm not religious in any way that's conventional. I've always felt things happen for a reason. I just can't fathom yet why this has happened. Why would my true love be taken from me? What have I done to deserve that? How will I ever cope? I'll never manage. I don't know what the future holds for me now. I know it's going to be lonely, hard and scary. This, most certainly, will be the hardest challenge of my life, also true. I try to find the odd quirky way to deal with things at times. On this journey, I want to tell you I feel like Peter Pan. Wendy has sewn on my shadow and I won't be alone again. My shadow will be my friend and guide for the next wee while. There will be days I can't see my shadow, because of the clouds or darkness. I know it'll always be with me and never leave my side. I know that's true of Tibor too. He will live on, in me forever. There have been situations I have already had to deal with where his presence has guided me. You know, those times when you think 'oh what would Tibor think or what would he do about this' moments. I'm just glad that words can never wear out. I've used 'Thank You' so many times and now they take on new meaning. I am grateful and thankful that Tibor was in my life, I just don't understand why I'm in the position I'm now in. I'm glad Wendy was in the wings too, to sew back my shadow on. Sue, please share your journey with us here. You will be helping others also. I wish you a peaceful day, knowing we care. Elly

Thank you Marty. I will check them out. I'm sure you will have posted them before however I'm grateful and I hope on behalf of others that are just reading and not posting here, they too will find support in the material you have shared. It's not all about me here ( although it is at home) but it's about all of us here. Thank you again. FYI .....I'll keep posting if you keep replying....thank you.

Yes Shalady, music does help if only to break the silence in the house. I have many interests but I'm unable to focus on them. My insides seem to vibrate and pound. My hands shake and I seem to go from one task to another. I've tried to be very conscious of not letting an invitation slip by. The winter months are long here in Canada. I love life and find this a huge hurdle. Question, Has anyone tried grief counselling and how did that work for you? I have the option to try this. I've read here a few things that trouble me. ' let myself cry' how can I do that. I get frustrated with myself, the crying won't come. I get tearful, well up need to blow my nose, that's as far as it gets. The other things is. I know it to be true but when I read 'our lives will never be the same' it feels like someone has just stabbed me in the heart again, it's realizing this is permanent. Here to stay. I can't take this hurt much longer. I wish everyone here the peace and love I felt before this happened, not this constant fear of a long life ahead single. I want to feel protected, cuddled, told I'm loved again. My husband was so good and breaking down my walls and showing me how true love felt. Now I wish I could re build those walls to protect my heart. Gosh I feel and sound like a ten year old being told I can't have ice cream because I didn't eat all my dinner. Elly

This daughter had not been around when her father and I got together, 17 years ago. She didn't want to be around. As I AM the wicked step mom! If thats the case then why didn't her father take priority when we offered her a place to stay for a month and the car to come and go when ever she pleased to visit with him when he was sick. She shouldn't care about me. That's fine. She has some seriousness guilt issues for not being around when she had the opportunity when she was younger and in more recent times. I paid for her flight back to New Zealand before (she thinks her dad did) and she stayed on for a month but only came to visit four times in that month. Now she wants whatever she can get and pushing me to scatter his ashes when they are not even cool yet. I'm not ready. Never once has she asked how I'm doing, not that I'm surprised. I've been in the same room as her and the conversation is all abut her and the things that mean so much to her, and directed to my husband and never included me. My kids were wondering, in the beginning, if they had two of an organ, could they donate it for my husbands benefit. They wrote him letters of how they felt that this was unjust to have this cancer and how they would miss him walking them down the isle, and not seeing his grand children growing up and how this was so unfair. They told him how much they loved him and how much he meant to them. My husband himself said that was the way his daughter was. We got nothing like that from this daughter. But now I don't have him here to say those words or defend me and my feelings. She has always played the ' poor me' act. Which I'm sure she has had reason to but now it's like the boy that cried wolf. She is really pushing me to be spiteful instead she should be leaving it all alone for a while. This is not in my head. Please tell me this is not in my head.

No this isn't an apology. I can assure you. I've had seventeen years of this passive nature for her to get what she wants. I've even made excuses for her too. She is thirty one and never has she asked how I'm doing.

UPDATE!!!!!!!!............. Here is word for word the email I just got from the daughter.......I copied it not typed it out. ............. I am sorry if I seem pushy about dad's stuff I hope that you can understand that I am in this country for a limited amount of time and I will not be back here anytime soon again. I can't remember everything that dad had from when I was a kid as in regards to making a list of things I would like. It would have been nice to have a look for myself with My brother as we can relive happy memories of forgotten items. In regards to asking for stuff at the funeral. I only was in 'Aw' of his nunchucks because as a child I was never aloud to touch them and was reliving he judo years. As he has taken me to see some torments. What will be happening with dad's ashes? I would like to be here to see them spread. I now have a ticket booked to return to New Zealand for the 16th of Nov. ................. I really don't want to respond as I have made myself quite clear and responding I feel will only make things more prickly. Your thoughts? Elly

Today is the day I get left on my own to deal with life. My support group leaves and the loanly nights are mine alone.

I hear you too, as most of us do. It's my husbands birthday's today. I have a huge amount of trees in my back yard and now it's fall. I did mention to some of the people that offered their help, that the leaves will need to be picked up. That was the only thing I could think of at the time. Low and behold, four of his co workers turned up out of the blue to clean up. It took a fraction of the time to sort the back yard out and all was done. This is not a week after his funeral. Now I no that all these things do tend to fall by the way side, as time goes by but I'm trying hard to keep all doors open at this point. It's hard to do because all I want to do is hide away., curl up and not go out, pretend nothing has happened and the hurt in my chest is not really there. The empty space on the other side of the bed is a fact of shift work and not permanent. The soreness in my throat is not a lump that wants to turn into tears. Oh I can think if so many excuses and sometimes they work. I'm going to take every oppertunity and invitation when it comes my way. I've been told after 5 weeks people begin to stop asking and calling. This is a challenge to see if the na sayers are right. Not only am I hurting, as you are Shalady, going through all sorts of emotions and fears but we have to start thinking of our 'new' future with all those emotions happening at the same time. I hate it. But I'm not going to give in. I won't. I'm taking each day as it comes.

Not a week has gone by from the date of my husbands funeral. As I'm sure everyone has had forms to fill in certificates to send away accounts to close and general house keeping of paper work that needs to be attended to. I'm blindsided by this one. His Life policy comes with strings, I understand why I just wasn't thinking I'd be in this position to have to make a choice. Do I take a lump sum and be done with? Do I take the monthly income for life.........oh no it's not for life, here is the string attached. Monthly income for two years and for life after that if I stay single. That stops if I live with someone or re marry. The numbers are not the same. The lump sum is obviously different. If I invest that, it wouldn't get the same income generated to compare with the monthly income for life. The money is not my point. How am I to even think about life or even love after the death of my profound love I had with my husband has gone. My husband was a most considerate lover and passionate caring person. I can't imagine there to be anyone else who would come close to the way he considered our fun, expectations, enjoyment, giggles, jokes, hand holding, cuddles, and I'll say it, our love making, the way we did. I love life, or did, with my husband. We liked to go out, have fun with our friends as a couple, enjoyed a wide variety of different things we enjoyed to do together. We were a team. That has now been shattered. How do I pick myself up and move on in an everyday life without him. To think about my life stretching out I front of me alone. Which one of you has a crystal ball to say there maybe a second perfect match out there....... No one........ How do I fill out these forms which seem cold, heartless and devoid of feelings. It seems to me every step and desision I make I take a step further away from my husband. I think my problems is it's not the forms I have to fill in, it's more the fact that each time a new situation presents itself I have to think into the future and it brings it home I'm no longer a team. This really hurts. Elly

I hear and feel your pain too shadylady. Today is a strange day. My sister in law has taken herself off for the day. It's not a week after my husbands funeral. I feel a very heavy weight in and on my chest. I'm alone for the first day. And yet I have a huge amount of things scheduled for the day and evening. My pain is a 9 out of 10 in my chest. Panic! I will get myself ready to go out and do the things I need to. How I do it I don't know. The pain is huge. I want it to go away. I wish I could give you the comfort you need and take your pain away. I have trouble in concentrating and functioning. I feel like I'm fraying.

I'm only as good as you all here. Thank YOU! Now to be kind to myself too. I'm planning a flight to my cousins for a week. All the pressure has weighed heavy. I hope I'm not running away and going to find it difficult to come home to the place I love an shared with my love. I just need ME time. I know that.

Hello again. I wish I could have been all wrong about what I was expecting from the one child looking for keepsakes. ....... UPDATE is. .......... I got a call today from my husbands daughter, wanting her and her brother to come by and pick up some things of dad's ....... I quietly explained that I was not ready to go thought dads things yet.......'oh no it's ok my brother and I will come by and look through a few things you no need to worry'.......... I again quietly explained dad and I have been together a long time and our belongings are mixed together and I couldn't have someone going through the house looking for things......could you please let me know what you're looking for and I will keep it aside and under advisement for when I am able to start looking through dad's things......' Em I don't know what I would like I just want some things of dad's. And I'm flying back to .......(home) soon and wanted to have that part sorted out'....... Again I explained that I can't deal with this right now but when I can I will let her know........I would be happy to mail it out to her. She told me she didn't need it mailed as her brother would be able to hang onto the items for her. ...... I stood my ground and said politely, no I couldn't possible deal with this at this time. After three times of telling her she stopped asking me. I'm so glad I found this forum to give me the ok to say 'no'. It's not been a week yet after the funeral. I expect her to want his ashes too!

Nats, it's a wonderful poem. I had this read out at my husbands funeral this past week. He was not a religious person and we had an officiant over see everything. It was beautiful. I had C Diff a few years ago. That was not a fun time at all. It has taken me nearly three years to get back to normal ish. My husband nursed me through that time, he was by my side. When my husband was diagnosed this past March with pancreatic cancer, stage 4 and decided to go to Mexico in May for alternative treatment......it worked for a while......then back home again we were entering the chemo program and he had a massive stroke. Which paralyzed the complete left side. He was still able to talk and joke and make conversation. An amazing man. We did everything together. I miss his closeness, his arms around me protecting me, he held doors open for me. He loved me so much. I wish I had said it more to him. I would climb I to bed with him at the hospice and cuddled him for hours before I had to get out for some sleep. He had so many ports in him for the pain. The nursing staff would come in every few hours to check on him. Why don't they have beds just a little bit wider for us to share. The one night I wasn't there, he fretted, and looked for me. Three weeks he was in the hospice. I was with him every night after that. I feel like I've been on over drive since March and now I don't seem to be able to hold a thought for very long.

Thank you whifflesnook. I have three more weeks of 'children pressure' then it lightens up a bit to be selfish and be kind to myself. Two of the four kids a looking for keepsakes before one flys back to her resident country. I'm just not ready to go through belongings yet. It's not been a week since the funeral.

Thank you very much. All of your comments I know to be right and when things are fuzzy and I'm being pressured I just can't focus. As this has been an on going poor relationship with the one child I've always smoothed over it. I'm so done with it now. I was very upset she chose to network in the line up at the visitation as people came by to give her their condolences and support her in her loss. Someone must have mentioned they liked her jewelry, she promptly gave out her email and contact info to give them a quote and took their info too. Where as I think everything can be an opportunity, I do think there is a place and time and that wasn't it. Now I'm just going on about this. I feel for her loss and I know she will miss her dad. I feel a little more in control with your support on this subject. Not to show her up but to regain my composure and offer to send her something (keepsake) when the time is right for me and not them. I was losing focus. Thanks

Thank you for your quick response. I'm having such a difficult time with this and soooooo many other things to deal with wether I like it or not. I understand they don't know how I feel as they are not I'm my situation. They have lost a father too. I find it inappropriate and grabby. They also want to scatter his ashes soon too. I feel like my life has been out of my control for the past 7 months and my head is still in a whirl wind. I just want to say, back off. I haven't even begun to grieve and not cried at all. I'm still very numb that this has happened. I keep expecting him to come in from work and greet me. All this just gives me a bad taste I'm my mouth. How can they be so heartless when he was their farther. They are him. Surly? Why are they so different than him? He was such a good listener and put things into perspective for me and let so many things go and went with the flow. I miss him desperately. This is too much. My heart hurts so badly and when his children text or ask for anything my heart and chest hurts and pounds so hard. And, yes, yes, and yes, they will get their financial token. I would never go back on that.

Only a few days after my husbands funeral and his children are wanting keepsakes. They are adults and one is flying back to another country in less than three weeks. They slighted me leading up to the funeral, very cold attending the funeral and their expectations are much more than they think they are owed. We have four children between us, two each. Been married for 17 years. I have my husbands wishes to give them a token gesture of money and I have wanted to increase that a little but I'm now re thinking it. They have not been around much in the last 17 years due to work and one living in another country. They did have a month to spend with him and come and stay with us if they wanted. We knew what the outcome was of my husbands situation and time was precious and short. They came to visit 4 times. Once they found out about his illness they seemed to go though the motions of caring and rally a bit but then other things became priority. They didn't stay over at all. They approached my children at the funeral (not me) about finding our when they could ask for a keepsake. There's a lot more to this situation than I have outlined here. Many people have advised me but I still feel guilty if I don't give them something of his personal belongings. My feelings at the moment is that of protectiveness and not wanting to give my husbands things away. I feel they will pressure me and guilt me into it. I also feel they have to deal with their lack of attendance in their dad's life and not put this on me. I'm feeling I need to appeases them. I can go on for a long time on this but feel this should give you an idea of what is happening. I'm trying to grieve. I've lost the man I've done literally everything with the past 17 years. I've nursed him for the last 7 months, we left the country for alternative therapy for 10 weeks in a none English speaking country. I have been with him 24/7 and now I feel like I will explode. When we stayed (every day and night I was there looking after his needs ) at the hospice for the last weeks of my husbands life the one child called and asked me how long dad had left as they wanted to know when to book the ticket to come back. I handed the nurse the phone. How can anyone answer that. That child didn't make it home in time. However, could have but, procrastinated in booking the flight three weeks earlier. Any questions please ask. I know what my knee jerk reaction is but I need to stay focused and any support on this would be very helpful. This is all so raw.

Text lady. I feel you pain. I'm going through the same thing. Diagnosis of husbands pancreatic cancer in March and now only a two days after the funeral. I unpacked the things from the funeral and put them back in the same place they came from. What's with that? I said the same think. He's not coming back. Why put them away? I don't understand me or this journey either. I'm lost, hurt, lonely and very scared.