shalady

Mary, I am so very sorry for your loss of Lois. How comforted and loved she must have felt having her loved ones with her. I am praying for you and your family. Peace and comfort to all of you. Shalady

So glad to hear Hank is doing better. I hope everyone gets some much needed rest. Belated HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I hope all the snow is slowly melting away and it is Spring shining through. Shalady

I too am glad you had a good session with a counselor. It really is so important that you remember that you too are important and need your own care right now. Most especially now as you go through your grieving. It really takes a lot out of you. More than I could have imagined. I am not officially back to work yet, more so because of my back problem right now. Yesterday I worked for about three and a half hours in the morning. I was so exhausted from it I fell asleep for a couple of hours in the afternoon. That never would happen before all this. I took care of Bob and never took naps. It is because I was happy then. I cant seem to find my happy now. I really miss being glad about things. I also understand about the cooking. My Bob loved everything I made. If it was a piece of toast he would think it was the best piece of toast ever. What joy I got from cooking for him. I don't care if I never cook again right now. I do hope that changes. I don't like eating at the table alone. I do it although sometimes I eat on the couch or standing at the counter. The reading is very good. I try to read all the suggested articles here. I have to catch up on some right now. They are all very helpful. I hope you just take one day at a time and remember yourself. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Shalady

Mitch, I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. I cannot add to what has already been said. Everyone has expressed it so true and clear. We all understand just how you feel. We all feel just as you do. We are broken and going through the motions. As they have said our pain will ease with time. Our love will never die. We will have that and our memories forever. Your Tammy sounds like a most special woman. I know how your heart aches. I lost my beloved husband six months ago. I still cry every day. I hurt right down to the core. What you are feeling is because you loved her so very much and she loved you. I do believe they are with us, watching over us, walking by our side. I too have experienced most people think I should be over this by now. The don't have a clue. I have no family but one sister who does not understand my grief. She makes very light of it. She only calls about every two or three months. If I call her it is short, she is too busy. I have some friends but they ignore the subject. I think if I bring it up it must make them uncomfortable because they don't respond and change the subject. I am glad you will see a counselor. They will help you validate and sort our your feelings. I hope it helps. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Shalady

It is amazing how we can be in a room filled with people and feel so all alone. The word itself if a terrible word now... alone.... Shalady

Marty, thank you for the link to the article. I will read it. Shalady

MaryAnn, Happy Birthday. I'm sorry you didn't have a good day. It was nice of your friends to get you flowers. I am glad you are taking your time going through things. There is no rush. A little at a time. How nice you are putting things aside for a quilt. It is all so much to process. I wish it could be easier for you but it can't right now. This is the hardest thing we ever have to go through. On these special days our emotions are all over the place. Sometimes we think we are ok only to have a person's words open the floodgates. Anything can trigger it and it can come from anywhere. As we have learned here it won't always be this difficult. The pain will ease. We just have to take one day at a time for now. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Shalady

I have a hard time going through Bob's things too. There are some that are easier to let go, clothes I know someone can be using. Some things I will probably never give away. Some shirts I loved to see him in will stay, I think someday I can put them on and just get comfort from them. His leather vest which he loved with the veteran and other patches is such a big reminder of him. Then there are some things I haven't even been able to go through. I don't care how long it takes. One day at a time. Then there is everything in our home in New York. I cant even think about that right now. I want to give some special things to some special people as a gift to them for being such a gift to Bob, for returning the love and friendship, the sense of family to him. What a generous heart you have to give the pens for such a special event in nephew's life. I am sure he will be proud when he passes along the fact that Mark crafted them himself, also a special part of Mark sharing the day. If you don't want to part with anything else just don't. You will know when the time is right and it may never happen. There are things I have no intention of giving away. We were married 38 years, a lifetime of sweet memories. I never thought about or ever imagined life without him. It is so overwhelming. I just sit and shake my head sometimes.

Dear Butch, I know how positively devastating this is. Try to listen to those who have been on their journey longer than we have. They tell us it will ease up some. It will take time. They have made it further and so we will too.We can try to be patient and take care of ourselves. I don't know how I make it through some days but I find the strength. I take strength in knowing what a wonderful life I had with my wonderful husband. I wish I could make this easier for you, I really do. You have been through so much and your illness and your fall have all compounded things for you. You have had so many things piled on top of your grief it may have been hidden and now there it is again. Just take one day, one hour at a time. You have strength way down deep that you can go on. Mary is with you, helping you. We are with you, helping you, comforting you, praying for you. ***HUGS*** Shalady

Maryann, if it is any consolation I am at the six month period and I am having just a terrible time. I am crying all the time. I miss Bob so much I can't stand it. I was doing better last month than now. It is just a roller coaster of emotions we are on and will be for some time. I don't listen to people when they talk about moving on. I don't want to associate with those that are not understanding. It makes me feel worse. I would rather be by myself than to be with uncaring people. I have my moods and people have to understand that or I just walk away. I have so much love for my husband and that will always be. I know he loves me too and that is what I hang on to. I don't know what I would do without my loving lab Zach. This morning I was crying and he went and brought me one of his toys. He is so intuitive and aware of my feelings. They really are man's best friend. I do hope you are feeling a little better. Just take one day at a time. Take care of yourself. You are so important and you should treat yourself that way, just as Mark would have. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Shalady

Butch, Kay is right. There is no timetable for this. You are not far into your journey of grief. None of us realize the enormous suffering of grief upon losing our spouse until it happens to us. To say it is life changing is an understatement. None of us know how we will handle it, but we do. Somehow we go on one day at a time. We have to be patient with ourselves and not expect too much. One day at a time my friend. You never have to apologize. I am six months into my journey and I go backwards at times. We have so much love for our spouse and that will never die. I think that is why I go backwards at times. It is okay because it is like I go backwards, and then seem to reset at that point. We are all different yet have so much in common. I too am here for you. I understand. We all do. Don't worry about not being able to come here yet. You shouldn't pressure yourself to do anything right now. Just let your heart tell you what you can do. Keep hugging little man. Take care of yourself, your health. It is ok. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Shalady

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Tammy. She sounds wonderful in your beautiful tribute. You were truly blessed to have her. Your love for each other shines through your words. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Shalady

I also can relate to health issues while grieving. It does compound an already overwhelming time. Be good to yourself now. I also think Mary would be proud of you for getting through all of your health issues. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Shalady

Kay, it sounds awful. I am so sorry your friends and family forgot, especially that first year. Shalady

I too agree they walk with us and hold us up. Some days we don't know where the strength comes from but it is there. I am glad you feel you are healing. I forgive those who do not understand my grief. It makes me feel better. I know I can come here to where people understand and don't judge me. Instead they embrace me, validate my feelings and comfort me. We are so blessed to have each other. I wish you peace and comfort. Shalady

I know how hard this is and how it just makes your head and mind swirl around looking for answers. My Bob is gone just six months and some days it still doesn't feel real. I still find only those who have lost their spouse are the ones who truly understand. I even think some who have think I should move on faster. They evidently grieve differently than I or maybe they didn't share the same love I did with my husband. I totally understand how you don't need to have a medical report yet. Maybe someday you will. Maybe you never will want to. Your mother-in-law lost a son, you lost your husband. I think those are very different losses. I still can't look at Bob's death certificate closely. I don't want to see it. I have to get one out now and then when I need to provide it for some reason. It gives me a stomach ache. I guess I know he is gone but I don't want him to be gone. Yes I know he is with me but I want him with me. I hope your coworker finds his pen. I understand how important that must have been to him. I'm glad you work with such good people. I'm sure that helps a lot. I returned to work briefly. I am having problems with my back and unable to work right now due to the pain. I could probably do a few hours but that is all I can stand being upright for now, then I have to lay down. I work with just a few people. When I am at work I am by myself. We just have one person on at a time. It is a ten hour day and you don't close for lunch or anything. We just go in the back and eat. I really enjoy my job, taking reservations over the phone and checking people in and out. I look forward to being able to return. Bob's birthday and our wedding anniversary was in the beginning of the month. We would have been married 39 years. It was so hard. Bob loved his birthday. He was like a child when it came to gifts. He would love to guess what it was. Shaking it and squeezing it. He made it so much fun, (I enjoyed his birthday so much more than my own). He was always thrilled no matter what it was. I can still see that face light up and the big smile. He loved cards. He loved getting them but also loved giving them. There was always a funny one and a lovely meaningful one. The meaningful one always seemed to hit home. He also would write something in them. I found the ones from our last anniversary. He had written how he hoped we had many more years together and also thanked me for taking such good care of him all these years. What a treasure and a blessing I had in him and what a treasure I found those cards. I had to put them away for now, it is just too overwhelming. But is have them to cherish for years to come. My dear sweet man. Bob was in the Navy for seven years. He was in the Korean war. He was on two different destroyers. We attended reunions every year. They have them in different cities, always with a ship you can tour. Bob was first stationed and home based in Norfolk Virginia. He loved the Navy and loved serving his country. At our home in New York a flag flies high atop a pole with a light shining on it at night. He always did what he could for veterans today. He belonged to several Veterans organizations. He was Commander of his chapter for a time. When he passed away his Chapter sent me a beautiful bible with a lovely inscription noting his service to his country. He would just love it. It is put away, another cherished keepsake I am unable to look at right now. Bob was cremated and I have his ashes in a beautiful wooden box urn. Bob was an avid hunter all his life so the urn has a scene of a deer in the woods, etched into the wood. He would love this too. It really is beautiful. It is in the bedroom next to a nice picture of him standing with Zach. I set aside some of his ashes. Some I will spread in the back field of our home. Some I am sending to Norfolk for Naval burial at sea. They will take them out with a ship that is being deployed. I received his American flag. They will raise his flag on the ship, Chaplin will conduct service and they will return the flag to me along with the date and coordinates of the service. He would be so very proud. I still have to mail this all to Norfolk. For some reason I have been unable to do it. I have everything in the box to mail it. I haven't sealed the box yet. I have to get some flowers to enclose. I want a rose from me and one from Zach. I keep moving the box from the couch to the chair. I am hoping I get this out this week. This is my goal. We all grieve differently. I forgive those that don't see it, don't see my pain. I don't care if they don't understand. I don't have to explain it to anyone. I am broken hearted. No one can fix this. I have to have faith. I will not move on but I can move forward. I don't know what lies ahead. I just take one day at a time and don't think about the future. I am grateful I can come here and share my feelings when I am able to. I know I gain some validation to my feelings when I read other's posts. I hope you do as well. I wish I could make this all better for you but I can't. We have to remember what others have said. They have been through this and they are still here. We will be ok. You will be ok. Just not right now, not tomorrow. I keep you in my prayers. I wish you peace and comfort. Shalady

Happy Birthday Butch. Hoping you have a day with peace and comfort. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Shalady

Happy belated Birthday Karen. I hope you had a great day. I am glad your mouth has healed and feeling better. It must have been a wonderful gift to hear your grandson say he will talk to someone. I truly hope they help him. It sounds like he was just devastated by the breakup and hopefully the counselor can sort things out for him and give him a new outlook. This is a big step. I will say a prayer for all of you. Shalady

Kay, it is good to know I am not alone in the lack of concentration. I have found reading aloud helps, I do that with paperwork I need to do. I don't know if I could read a book that way. I used to love to read too, miss it now. The short story idea sounds good. I love dog stories too. I have many James Herriot books. He is an English vet and writer. I also hope I will get back to it one day. You used the word focus, that describes it perfectly. Lack of focus. I hope Arlie is doing well now. I am taking Zach to have his nails clipped and get weighed today. He will love the ride in the car. With my back injured, driving is very hard for me so he is missing his car rides. Shalady

I feel like this sometimes too. I had it happen last week. I was just angry at everything. My anger was not directed at Bob, as I heard so many say. They say they are angry at their loved one for leaving. I know I am not angry at Bob, it was not his fault. It is just anger. I guess it must be part of the grieving. For me it lasts a couple of days and then goes away. I have had it several times in the last two months. I also felt just like you, no joy in anything and no control over things. Wow, you are so validating my exact feelings. I thought for me it was because I am stuck at home, unable to work my part time job. I have three bulging discs and a tear in my hip joint. I don't know how it is for you, but I hope like me the feeling just passes, kind of like it just has to run its course. I would say it might return. It is very frustrating. We just have so much time on our hands. The time we would spend with our loved ones. Nothing can fill that void. Nothing takes away that pain. I keep a nice picture of Bob on my dresser. He has a big smile on his face. I smile when I see it and at the same time I feel a knife in my heart. I am so sorry. Maybe you could take a couple of days off from work. I am sure they would understand. Maybe you could visit a quiet park or go somewhere you and Mark went together. I don't know if it would help. Bob loved to go to Cracker Barrel. We have two of their rockers on our porch in New York. One day I went there and had lunch, just like we used to. Then I went outside and sat on a rocker. I sat there for a while, just thinking. I even would rock the chair next to me with my hand. It made me cry a lot but it also warmed my heart. Sounds so crazy but whatever works. I hope you can work through this especially difficult period. I hope you don't feel so scared. Your feelings are so normal to me. I try to remember Bob is always with me. I really believe that. Yesterday I saw a beautiful red cardinal. I took that as a sign to remind me of his presence. I hope you feel better soon. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Shalady

I love it. They are beautiful. What a great idea. I hope you will be able to return to your passion some day. I know how difficult it is to do things now. I find I still can't read. I can't seem to concentrate that long. It is not what Bob would want and I am sure my mind will get better over time. Right now we still can just take one day at a time and remember and be grateful for what we have shared with the one person who became our whole life. I can smile through my tears. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Shalady

I'm so glad Hank is doing a little better. Hopefully they will keep close eye on him. I hope he improves more today. So glad you are feeling better as well. All this must be so draining. Emotions take so much out of us and when we are already not up to par it really takes a toll. Hope you get some rest today too. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Shalady

Harry, I am praying for Gail, Hank and you as well. Take good care of yourself. Peace and comfort to you. Shalady

I realized that after. The house is vacant. I have someone checking on it. I would love to spend summers there but I would have to stay there all year then. It would be too expensive to keep two things going and go back and forth. Zach and I will make the trip as soon as I feel better with my back. I know just how you feel about Arlie. It is hard when then start to slow down. All you can do is keep his diet in control and enjoy each and every day. That is what I do with Zach. Just because he is only four doesn't mean things can't happen. I learned never to take anything for granted. He is laying next to me on the bed right now. I put his favorite throw there and he is feeling very spoiled. They really are our lifeline.

I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad you have found this place to come and share and read what others are experiencing. My husband also died suddenly and they said it was the same thing. He too had a stomach ache the night before. I know you have all the what if's. I am not qualified or able to give you advice but I can say I am going through this too so I do know how devastated you feel. I am sorry for the little ones too. I can say just take one day at a time and be patient and kind to yourself. Take care of yourself. This is not easy, there is no way to rush your feelings. It will take time. I hope you continue to visit here and post when you are able to and read about other people's journeys. I find it a comfort and also validating. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Shalady