Lujo

KayC and Maria thank you very much for your replies and for your kind words. It really does help to talk to people who are going through it. I don’t wish it on anyone (even though death is a fact of life) but I feel much less alone when I can talk to people and read their stories of bereavement. I started a reply a few days ago but my attention span is so short at the moment that I felt I had to stop before I could finish it. KayC I am very sorry for your loss. You’re right; of course, there is no “right” way to go. It must be so difficult to slowly watch a loved one decline and on the other hand a tremendous shock when they go unexpectedly (or very quickly) and little or no time to say how much you love them and goodbye. I’m glad my Dad didn’t suffer for very long and that we did get to tell him how much we loved him and goodbye. It still hurts though, still feels unfair and unexpected. I’m still trying to put the pieces together in my head. Dad died of prostate cancer which we/he didn’t know he had. This is a cancer with a 5 year survival rate of 81% in the UK and I haven’t heard of anyone who has died not knowing they had it. It leaves me wondering why wasn’t he diagnosed earlier? What did we miss (the signs)? Just feels dreadful. Maria I am so sorry for your loss too. I had the same feelings when my Dad became ill. At first we thought it was a virus and the nurse practitioner did too. Then he became worse and a blood test revealed high liver enzymes and they wrote an urgent referral to the hospital. At the time I was desperately worried about the high liver enzymes knowing that could mean he had cancer (although it could also have meant a more benign fatty liver disease) but my worst fear was that we would be told he had a terminal cancer and had three months to live, not that he would die within the next few weeks. Dad also only became jaundiced in the last few days of his life. I did talk a bit to my partner about what I need from him. This was after we had a bit of a row after he ignored me whilst I was sobbing because he felt I needed to cry it out. He said every time I started to cry before and he comforted me I would stop crying and he thought that crying was good for healing. He still stands by his belief but after that row we went to sleep and he held me then as I was still crying and I didn’t stop crying but I was grateful for the comfort he provided. It did help. I do agree that crying can be therapeutic. My partner is doing his best and to be honest I would be a complete wreck without him. KayC, Maria I also think of things I want to just say to my Dad before I realise he’s gone. I was in town today with my partner and our daughter and we saw a children’s fairground ride that my daughter seemed to want to go on. Instantly I thought about my Dad and how would have loved to see my daughter on there. He’d have taken lots of photos. I just felt overwhelming sadness. There are so many things I want to say to Dad everyday. So many things that he’s going to miss.

My Dad died three weeks ago today. He died of metastatic prostate cancer found only at the post mortem. Dad only started becoming ill about 7 weeks before he died. Just vague symptoms at first. By the time he was finally admitted to the hospital (2 days before he died) his liver and kidneys were failing and he was transferred straight to ITU. Me and my partner made the journey down (just over 100 miles) to see him. A CT scan showed his liver was completely covered in tumours and he had no liver function whatsoever. Chemotherapy and/or radiotherapy was impossible without any liver function. He was too ill to even undergo a biopsy to diagnose the cancer because of the risk of him bleeding to death. The doctors told us it was incurable and then we went to Dad's bedside whilst they told him. Dad just wanted to go to a hospice but he was told he was too ill. Dad had about two hours or less to process the information that he was dying and talk to the palliative care team before he received his final pain relief and sedative and they unplugged him from the dialysis machine and stopped his blood pressure medication. We held his hand and told him we loved him and said goodbye. It took about an hour before he passed away. I cried so much when he was ill in hospital. The nurse had to take me to one side to tell me to prepare myself because of the bad prognosis. He was deteriorating all the time even though he was awake and aware and it was terribly painful to watch. Just after he died I hardly cried at all. At most I would well up for a minute or two. It felt like Dad was just on holiday. We had to wait for a post mortem. I had times where I felt almost normal, times when I felt uneasy and times when I felt overwhelming sadness. I had dreams full of anxiety, still do. I slept on in the mornings because sleep was a way of avoiding facing the reality that Dad was gone. It's not how I thought grief was going to be. I was worried that I wasn't crying enough and I couldn't understand this because I really loved my Dad and still do even though he's gone. Yesterday would have been Dad's 77th birthday. I lit a candle for him in the evening and I broke down. I sobbed and wailed in a way that I felt totally out of control. It's really now starting to sink in that Dad is gone, he's not on holiday and I will never see him again. I won't be able to just chat to him, to laugh with him, to ask his advice, to give him presents, to hug him and he won't see my daughter grow up, he'll never give me away if I get married. I went to work Monday and yesterday and it was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I thought work would be a distraction but I was so upset even before I got to work. Some people at work were kind to me, just saying they were sorry for my loss. Others ignored me completely. I know that people didn't want to upset me but I much prefer to hear I'm sorry for your loss than the feeling of being ignored even though I got teary every time someone said how sorry they were to hear of my loss. I guess I'm rambling on a lot and I don't have any specific questions to ask people on this forum but I do have this need to share my experience with people who are going through bereavement. I'm finding it difficult to find someone to talk to about it. I have my Mum, but she is suffering too. My partner's Dad also died over twenty years ago and I thought that he would understand. He has been so good to me since but I don't feel any better. He also heard me sobbing uncontrollably yesterday and said he didn't try and comfort me because I needed to cry it out. He is at least partially right I do need to cry it out but I felt upset that he refused to comfort me. I know that my Dad was 76 and I know it would have been much worse if he was younger. But we had no idea he was so ill. We and my Dad had no time to come to terms with it as it was found so late. And loss is loss no matter what the age or whether it is known in advance or not if a condition is terminal. I'm so sorry for everyone on this forum (and everyone in the world) who has suffered a loss. My condolences go out to everyone x