ADH

My husband died this April, and I still cry each day. I thought some of the despair and hopelessness would life but it is still there. Will I ever feel joy again? It is so hard to keep going. I fake it through each day and it is so exhausting. Is there anything I can do? Thank you, ADH

Dear Kay: I will be thinking of you and praying for you as well. You are wonderful lady and you will pull through just fine. God bless you and thank you for your kind words. Audra

BeBrave: Nov 1 was such a short time ago. The raw and agonizing grief does hit first. My husband has been gone since late April and I felt like I was not going to make it in the beginning. I found this place at around the 5-6 month mark. I am so glad you found your way here now. We are all here for you. Please do take a look at what Anne is sharing. It really does help to know that you are not going crazy and the feelings you have are normal. Please do stay hydrated and eat when you can. I had to use reminders to eat and drink when my husband first passed. That went on for the first couple of months or so. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you to both of you! It is what is in my heart and not what someone wants of me....I like that and I am going to post that to my refrigerator! I let my brother-in-laws know that I am going to do my own personal dedication as soon as the headstone is ready. 2015 needs to be the year I get a job/career that I like and a new life over time. Harvey will always be my soul mate and he will always have my heart. I need to find that new normal though so I can stand alone, survive slowly and hopefully thrive in time. Thank you!! Audra

I feel guility but I cannot stand the thought of planning my husband's Jewish tradition of a grave dedication. I loved my husband and although he was Jewish, he did not practice at all. His family does, but he does not. I received a call from my brother-in-law who is a Rabbi. He and his wife are amazing. They live out of state. He and his other brother (that lives here) want to plan a dedication weekend (to honor my husband) in July of next year. As soon as the request was made, I had a complete meltdown and said that I could not plan to do that next year. I explained how I had given up my life to take care of my husband when he was ill and how I have been dealing with the fallout ever since he passed. I did not say anything rude at all, I just said that I cannot take anymore committments and that I have to reboot my life in 2015. I feel like a jerk. Please note that my stepchildren hate me. My husband's brother wants me to plan everything with him and simply invite the children (they are middle aged by the way). I do not even know that I will be living in Chicago at that time. I do not keep in touch with my husband's friends, so I do not understand how planning a party to honor him seven months from now makes sense. I stated that I wanted to just do my own private dedication and let everyone else do what they wanted. I am so emotionally fragile. I get overwhelmed going to the grocery store. Am I being a jerk? I have to seek employment, likely put our house on the market, move and try to get well. If the dedication was next month, I could possibly pull it off but next July? How can I get a job, move, make a fresh start, break my ties in Chicago and plan a party with people I do not talk to in July of next year? Am I being unreasonable? thank you!!

Thank you, Kay! I feel lonely after everyone went back home. I missed the group here. I am sitting here in my PJ's. Terrible right? How are you feeling, Kay?

This is so true, Anne.

Holidays after graduation: I have not been on the site for what seems like a few weeks. I posted a thank you for graduation. I appreciate the support I received here....especially after seeing the struggles everyone is going through this holiday season. Thanksgiving weekend was awful for me. Graduation was an accomplishment, but here comes Christmas. I hope there can be some positives in the midst of the struggles. I would give anything to be able to take away the pain of grief for all of us. How are you feeling Fae and KayC? Anne...thank you for all of the info on grief. God Bless all of you. A

I just wanted to thank everyone on this post for encouraging me during this time of terrible grief after losing my husband. I graduated over the weekend from the University of Chicago. While I am still so incredibly sad to not have the love of my life here with me, I am grateful for the support I received here to complete my degree. My beloved husband has only been gone since late April. I could feel his love and his spirit as I walked across the stage and graduated for both of us! Thank you for the encouragement I received here. God Bless!! Audra

QMary: I do hope that the transition goes well. I know those decisions are never easy. KayC: I understand your frustration with the "systems" in place. They really stink! I am trying to find some things to be thankful for. I miss Harvey so much. He was ill but he was alive last year at this time. It was so much better to get his sweet text messages, and the talks we had. It is heartbreaking. The only positive is that I am for sure going to graduate on 12-12 and my family will be traveling here from Dec 8-16. That will be nice. I really pray that Harvey is here that day in spirit. I never thought I could live without him. We used to tell each other that all of the time. I guess I can but I really do not like it at all. I am sad all of the time. It is not getting any better. God Bless and happy Thanksgiving. There are things for all of us to be grateful for, but I guess some days we really have to look or stop and really think about it. xoxo, Audra

HI Fae: You have a lot going on there. You have been through so much and yet you have a wonderful attitude. You are an inspiration. You are so right about making it through one day at a time. That is all we can do, right? Please continue to take care of yourself. xoxo, Audra

Thank you everyone for your ideas. I do not have a family support system here, but I have recently joined a widows group here. It is hard because I have to return to work after Harvey's death, and the economy is so bad. It is not a good time for a career change. I am struggling, and I would give anything for this to be different. My graduation is around the corner. I guess I will look here for a while, and at some point I will likely leave. Nine months of winter is probably going to seal the deal as we freeze here. Harvey and I supported each other so much. Being alone here is becoming impossible. I hope this note finds the rest of you well. I know Fae is ill. I am praying for her. Hugs, Audra

Dear Fae: I am so sorry to get on line and to hear that you are ill. I will say a prayer and please let us know if you hear anything, Kay. Hugs, Audra

Thank you, Anne, Kay and Jo! I appreciate your feedback so much. My last presentation was tonight and it went great! My degree is in liberal arts. I am so proud to be a UofC graduate, but it is not an degree I would have chosen as a single person. I chose the degree when I thought I would have a life with Harvey and frankly. a dual income. I did this with his strong suggestion and support. I was not really planning on leaving real estate, but the market never came back here in new construction. I worked solely in new construction and adaptive reuse development. My career type dissolved for everyone in my field in 2008. I held on until earlier this year. I thought the market in general would return. It has not and it will not in my working life span. It is hard. Harvey had a lot of contacts. it would have been easy to figure out a plan B but.....I am lost without him in my life. There is nothing I can do but move on to something else. My support system is not here. I am trying to make new friends here, but I am basically starting over. The firends Harvey and I shared were all couples, so they are gone now. They no longer call. I could start over somewhere else. Looking for a job in the other areas I talked about, and seeing where a job pans out first is probably a good idea. I do have to admit that I am having a hard time deciding what I would like to do. It may sound strange, but I think working as an admin asst on an executive level would be interesting. How does one decide what to do during this transition and what appears to be a mid-life crisis in the midst of grieving? What color is my darn parachute? My other two degrees were job specific. I have tried career coaches, but they seem to just want to take your money and tell you a lot of crap that goes in circles. I cannot believe I am 45, and I do not have an exact direction on a career. I do not mean to complain, but I never imagined my career evaporating and my husband dying as well. I feel like I went to sleep and woke up on Mars..... I do agree about giving myself a break until 12-12, and probably after that for a little bit. I do keep hoping for an ah-ha moment of clarity, when my future path seems clear and even obvious. So far, I am coming up with a blank screen....I cannot imagine what a normal future looks like. I have never been so lost. Thank you also for sharing more intimate details about your losses as well. It is not easy to lose a spouse the way that we all have. My goodness.....this stinks. Graduation is a good thing though! God willing,,,,someone will give me a sign or a clue from the heavens about what is next. Thank you! Audra

wow......I feel so lame! Where do you ladies get all of these wonderful graphics!! I can just say happy birthday and lots of love is coming your way!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are right JLLSAH...it is not fair!! I am so sorry for your loss and I can only imagine the pain you are going through now. Your story is filled with pain and I am so sorry...I do not know what else to say. You mentioned you have been reading these posts for a while. Please continue to come here (as long as it feels right) and share your feelings. I am 45 and I lost my husband in April. I am not an expert, but I do feel that coming to this site for support does help. It is unreasonable for anyone to ask you to feel okay after what you have been through. It is nuts. This is a sudden death and full of many emotions and trauma. Marty has a plethora of sites to go to for reading about sudden loss. Your family breaking up is yet just another loss and major change. Please get some rest and return here when you can. Hopefully, Marty will be able to respond with some resources that can help you along your journey. Becoming edicated on grief was a big help to me and I think it is a huge help to others as well. The more we know, the less we feel like we are going crazy! Again, I am so sorry for what has happened. Hold your son close and know that there are people out there (us) that are thinking of you and wishing you as much peace as you can possibly find in this time of grief. We are here with you. You are not alone. Love, Audra

When it it time to move? Moving is stressful but my husband is gone (as of April 2014) and starting over in Chicago..1200 miles away from family and in nine months of winter is getting too hard for words! I am getting so tired of the same streets of memories, the flat economy here, the same faces, nine months of the cold, dark days of winter and just the same old tired everything. It is also really expensive downtown! I feel like I am pushing a pebble up a steep mountain with my nose every single day. If Harvey was here, I would be tired of winter but I would not feel hopeless. I have heard that widows should wait a year before moving or making any major decisions. Good luck to all of us if those are the ground rules! I have graduation to complete on 12-12 (I am grateful!) , but I need to look for a job/career here or somewhere else right after that. God knows there are better economies in other parts of the country. To the other widows that are still having to work for another 10-15-20 years??..... How did you make these decisions alone? I am 45 years old. Harvey died while I was finishing my Masters, and I knew I would be in a place of transition for 3-12 months but....he was going to be here. We were going to do it together. I thought a Masters from the University of Chicago would matter a lot, but the economy is "the worst it has been in 60 years".....according to the economists at the University. I am really sorry, but it is hard not to regret getting the degree. My time would have been better spent in a job! I am truly living in misery every single day and it is hard. I am crawling through each day. I do not know how to fix this. I always knew how to fix everything. I am lost. ugh.......what if I move and that falls apart as well? Is there any adivce anyone can give to me? Selling my condo and picking up and moving sounds liberating on one hand and deadly on the other. My family is in New Orleans, Houston, Austin and Pensacola, FL. Where in the world where Chester (my almost 12 year old cat) and I go? Something has got to give........ xoxo, Audra

Dear Mary: I wish you the very best. Your assistance and guidance has helped me so much and I am so glad that you are going to work on you now. I am sure you will find this to be a wonderful time of self discovery and healing. God Bless You! Audra

Thank you, Kay. Harvey would be proud, but it feels so empty without him here. I still cannot believe he is gone and not here for this. I never imagined this when I started the program with his encouragement. I am sure he did not either. He was so sad that he was not going to be here for something he so encouraged me to do. I think he felt bad and I know I do. I have to believe that our loved ones are here for these times. I have to believe that somehow they know.

Thank you so much! I love to receive your encouragement. People are starting to say things that I find overwhelming. Things like "if you do not get a handle on this, you are not ever going to get past this" "Everyone has problems" "You have to get over this" "why are you camping in this terrible spot" I agree with KayC....Grrrrr!!!!!! The first comment suggests that I bet get over it or I risk losing my mind. It makes me think I am definitely on a time clock to sanity.....or not. You are right, Mary. Reading the grief material does validate that these feelings are normal and I am not going nuts or "turning into a freak show"....that made me laugh bluelady. I do talk to Harvey and it is hard to be around people that are clueless. I am tired from grieving as well. I get tired of defending myself too. I was starting to cut people off and I decided to let a few people back in...it sounds like it was too soon to do so. It seems like spending time around others that have lost their husbands and wives is the most healing thing to do. I feel like I have something to contribute and that I can relax and be myself and just be sad if I need to be sad. Otherwise, it is like being on stage and pretening that things are just fine. That is very draining as well. Thank you, ladies!! You are all so wonderful and full of so much encouragement and good advice. Oh...I also wanted to let you know that I asked Marty to change my display name to AH. I will still use Audra but the display name will change. Little Chester's photo will stay until I can take one of my own. Once I graduate, I will replace it with a graduation photo in honor of Harvey. Before he died, he made my promise him I would graduate this year no matter what. I will be honored to put those two long stem roses with a copy of my degree on his grave on 12-12. God willing! Audra

I find myself in the stage of wishing my husband was here. Is this normal? Someone told me it was childlike....like I was being inmature. H has been gone six months, and I find with the change of this season for the first time, I do wish he was here. I do spend some time thinking about what things would be like today if I could call out to him, cook with him, go to the gym, the grocery store or just sit here and talk to him. Am I being a child to have these thoughts, am I torturing myself or is this normal? As always, thank you....

Hi Bluelady: I am so incredibly sorry to hear about your loss....you sound so devistated as you would of course be. It breaks my heart to hear how you feel so alone. After friends and family leave, it is really raw and harsh. I do not mean to sound discouraging in any way, but it has been six months for me and I am having a really hard time. It is different than it was though....please be patient with yourself and as kind as you can possibly be to yourself. Please know that you can get through this. I find that crying my eyes out does help and people have to learn to live with it if they are going to be around me. Writing does help as well and coming to this site certainly helps. I agree, you can do this... We are all here for you. I am so, so sorry....

Hi KayC: I am so sorry to heat about all of this and what you are going through, but I am glad that Marty and Mary are able to really offer such great suggestions and advice. I just wanted to let you know that your posts were a great help to me and so meaningful and appreciated. You are wonderful. I wish I was further along in this grief process to feel like I had more to offer in general. Please know that I am thinking of you. I wish I had something smart to say.

Dear Marty: I am so glad that you sent this note. The service you provide is well worth it and we all need to be reminded. Thank you! Audra

wow Tableforone: I am sorry that people are saying such insensitive things. I had a lot of advice coming at me when my husband was ill (advice from the sidelines of course) and after he passed. "Here is what you should do...." "LIsten to me......." The advice was mostly terrible. I am glad there are others that seem to listen to you and just listen or say something kind and comforting. We understand your pain here and I do not think you will hear anything here but kind words and understanding. I am thinking about you and hoping you are getting some rest and something to eat. I forgot to eat in the beginning, so please take care of yourself. Please be kind to yourself.