bluelady

I can totally understand your feelings. The love of my life passed away in October of 2014 and I still miss him so very much. I was so numb in the first few days, I couldn't even make a decision about his casket. Like you, I only wanted to be with him, no matter what it took. I am a gun-carrying grandma and there were many times I wanted to use it on myself, just to be with him, but I simply could not do it. People who have never lost the love of their life, can in no way, identify with what we feel. I know widows who have been widowed for as many as eight years and they haven't even gotten rid of their spouses clothes yet. I don't want to be that way, but I am surely headed in that direction. Although I have given away some of his clothes, I still have a closet filled with them, which I am unable to part with. I have to admit that I am better today then I was a year ago, but I still love him so very much and still miss him like crazy. I have to assume that this will always be the case, but I will learn to live with those feelings. I also attend a Grief Support group for widowed people only, which meets every week. This has helped me more than anything, listening to others about how they coped. You can also learn that here. Coping is not easy, but it is possible. Hang in there and keep visiting this site and reading about what others do to cope with their grief. We all have to walk this grief journey alone, but there is help available from others, who have been where you are now. Linda

Your loss is so very different from any loss your friends may have experienced. Losing the love of my life is the most difficult thing I have ever experienced. I have lost both parents, all grandparents, uncles, aunts, friends, etc., but this was the first loss of the love of my life. I didn't choose my family, but loved them unconditionally. I chose my sweet Jim as my partner and spouse and we planned so many things for our future that neither of us will ever get to do. He was not only my husband, he was my best friend, my confidante, my shoulder to cry on and my rock. He has been gone almost 20 months and I still grieve for him daily and heavily. I miss him so very much and the love I felt for him continues to grow each day. The loneliness is almost unbearable. If you can find a local widowed persons grief support group, by all means attend. Most are free. There will be others there who share your feelings, just as there are here. Don't be afraid to share your feelings with others, especially others who have lost a spouse. We are the ONLY ones who can identify with the feelings you are having. We have stood in your shoes and felt the same as you are feeling right now. We don't judge, we simply listen and offer our own experiences and the things which might have helped us get through this long and winding journey. We each have to travel this journey alone as only we can. Please continue to come and post your thoughts and your feelings and see for yourself how you will be helped in your grieving process.

I apologize that I have not posted in a long time, but because of the holiday season, I feel the need to share my thoughts and ask for help. It is 14 months ago today that my precious Jim passed away. Last Christmas and Thanksgiving were horrible, since I was so raw. I began a candle lighting ceremony last year, for the loved ones in our family, who have passed on. I am not sure I can do it again this year. I still cry every day, I miss him so much and the love I feel for him is still thriving and growing stronger. I thought that after a year had passed, that I would be so much better, but it just isn't so! The new normal for me is so far away from the old normal, I can't deal with it. I am still working full time, not knowing what I would do with my life if I didn't have a job to come to every day. I frequently have new health issues to handle all alone, without my Jim's presence. We were so very happy and so very much in love. After 15 years, we still felt like newlyweds. The loneliness is unbearable. I attend a local grief support group every week, which has helped me a lot, but I still have frequent ambushes or muggings. I went to one of the group holiday events a couple of weeks ago for widows and widowers, to help us deal with the loss of our spouses during the holiday season. I cried alligator tears at the event and couldn't speak a word. I thought I was past that, but obviously I am not. I have no plans for Christmas, but will most assuredly spend it with family, as I couldn't handle being alone for the holidays, even after 14 months. I hope to one day find a companion, but right now, I feel as though I would be cheating on my Jim, to simply have a cup of coffee with another man. I am not sure I will ever feel any differently. He was my rock, my love, my best friend, my everything.....and now he is gone and I have no one with whom to share my feelings or my life. I guess what I am asking here, is how do I get through another month of holidays and gaieties, when I feel like crawling into a hole and pulling it in behind me!!??

Kakalina, My support group meets at a local church, but is not affiliated with the church. The church simply allows us to meet in one of their rooms, with no charges to the group, nor to us individually. Although I would venture a guess that almost all of the members of my group are Christians, they don't all attend the church where we meet. Only a handful of them go there. I attend another church, as well, and I am sure there are others who have not been able to return to church yet, after losing their loved ones. Call some of these groups or the churches and make sure they are not affiliated with them, before giving up on them. Our organization has several groups meeting in different locations around the county and they all meet in churches, but are not affiliated with any of them. You will find a lot of comfort in speaking your emotions to others, who are just like you and who understand better than anyone else you know, exactly what you are feeling and can give you excellent information about what is happening and has happened to you. You will receive literature to read on your own and you will eventually understand that what you are feeling is normal, maybe not normal for you, but is normal to the grief experience. I have also been to the library and bought some books about widows and grieving that have also been helpful. You will also find out that there are many shoulders in a grief group, that will be more than happy to hug you and listen to you. I know, I've been there many times, cried during the meetings and received comfort from the others. We don't pray nor the read the Bible. The entire meeting is solely about the journey that all of us must travel by ourselves, at our own speed. I do hope you are able to find help. If not, continue to come here and be heard by the many here that are or have been where you are now! Lots of love and good thoughts your way!! Bless you, Kakalina and HUGS to you!! Linda

I am so sorry for your loss. It will be six months on Thursday for me, since my precious husband of 15+ years passed away. Some days I think I might be getting better, then I have an ambush and I cry for hours and I mean gut-wrenching tears. The quiet is deafening and lonely. I have never been so lonely in my entire life. I miss my angel so very much. Like you, we did everything together, even if it was nothing that we did, we still did it together. He was my rock, my best friend, my confidante and the love of my life. I CAN tell you that the crying episodes become less frequent, but they still come, mostly unannounced and unexpected. I have learned to simply go with it and let the tears fall when and where they may. Also like you, I don't have many friends who call to check on me, so I am basically traveling this journey all alone. I joined a local widows/widowers grief support group about ten days after my love passed away. I knew pretty quickly that I could not handle this on my own. A friend told me about the group and I phoned and have been involved every week since then. The group, along with this site, has helped me to see that I am not going mad, nor I am I undergoing anything unusual. We all travel this journey on our own, regardless of friends and relatives. It is ultimately one's own handling of the journey that gets us back to a "new normal". I hope you continue to visit this site and express your feelings. Don't be afraid to share, as more than likely, we have all been standing in your shoes at one time or another. Hugs and Prayers to you, Linda

Elly, It will be five months tomorrow, since I lost my precious Jim. I belong to a local grief support group and we all agreed that loneliness was our number one focus. I have almost come to dread the weekends, which I used to live for. I work four days during the week, so my mind is occupied and I have others with which to have a conversation. At home, I am alone, lonely and feeling mournful without the love of my life nearby. We both so loved our time together, did everything together. Now I am alone and have no one to share my life, no one with which to even share a meal. I still grieve so much for the loss of my love. Even though I do not want to spend the rest of my life alone, how could I possibly be interested in any prospects of dating or having another man in life, when I would feel like I was cheating on my Jim. I know he would want me to be happy, but I just can't bring myself to even think about the future, since I am still so very much in love with Jim, but also very lonely, none the less. Like you, my heart aches, without what once was his ever-present love, but I am powerless to do anything about it. We all share your feelings and emotions and wish we had a magic wand that could make all this suffering and pain go away, but we know that this is part of our journey, which we must travel ourselves. Grief is like a winding river, which can never be dammed, but must be traversed according to God's navigation. Let your tears flow, as it is great medicine for your sorrow! Hugs and blessings to you, Linda

Thanks, Kay. I so enjoy looking at his sweet face and giving him a kiss, but I thought it might sound silly. Happy to know I am not alone in enjoying my photo. Three months ago, I could not have enjoyed looking at a photo of him, without bursting into tears. Today it makes me happy!

I will be five months out on Monday, but still grieving a lot. I miss him so much. I am so looking forward to getting one of the quilts. However, I am still unable to go through his things in the closet, but am hoping by the summer, maybe I will be able to handle it. Like you, I never thought I could ever be as sad as I am. Also like you, he was the love of my life and my best friend, as well. We did everything together. I doubt I will ever be able to even date another man, as no one could hold a candle to my precious Jim. I would always hold Jim up as the model husband and without a doubt, no one else could ever match him, must less surpass him. Right now, I have no interest in another husband, as I am hurting too much and missing my love too much. Give yourself time and please don't get rid of his clothes just yet, as one day, you may find comfort in cuddling up with his clothes in the form of a quilt, wrapped warmly around you in a real feeling of love. I also have a beautiful photo of my husband on my dresser at home and also at my office. When I was at your stage, I was so like you, I had to turn the photos face down to avoid an crying outburst. Now, I pick up his photo and stroke his face and gently kiss the photo, while telling him I love him and miss him. I know it is silly, but it does make me feel better. Hang in there. Although I am still grieving a lot, I have made a lot of progress and so will you. You won't love him or miss him any less, you will simply learn to live with it a little better. Grief is like a winding river, unable to be dammed and must be traversed according to God's will. So don't fight your grief, allow it to flow. It's painful, I know, but its good medicine. Hugs and prayers to you!! Linda

Kay, Here is the photo of the quilt made from the clothes of my friends spouse, who passed away last year. I am not sure it will appear, as I am not seeing it and this is the first time I have attempted to add a photo. If it isn't appearing, someone please tell me how to proceed. I can't wait to cuddle in mine!! Linda

Kay, As soon as I am able to open his side of the closet without falling to pieces, I will begin to work on the clothes I want to keep. I do plan on giving the others away, that I won't need for the blanket. I hope the lady making the quilts will not require me to wash them first, since I would love to snuggle up in the last clothes he ever wore. He was in a hospital gown for 68 days before his death, so there aren't many recent clothes, especially since he was a stickler for doing the laundry regularly, since he was retired and I still worked. I will ask the lady who already has one, if she will kindly take a photo of it and send it to me. I know it has certainly begun a trend with my local grief support group. Even the men like the idea of curling up with a blanket made of their wives' clothes. Linda

Kay, There is a lady in my grief support group here (I live in Mobile, Alabama), who had four throws made (a bit smaller than a quilt, just big enough to cuddle with while watching TV) from the clothes of her husband, who had passed away a few months earlier. She had these made as Christmas gifts for her three daughters, who were thrilled to have received them. Her husband was a huge Bama fan, so the middle of each throw had a Bama logo of some sort and was surrounded by various sizes, colors, patterns and shapes of the clothing, then stitched in beautiful swirls. The blanket had a crimson backing on it and was also trimmed around the front with the crimson binding. She brought her throw to our grief support meeting a few weeks ago and we all decided we had to have one. Some were sorry that they no longer had the clothes to make one. I haven't done anything with my love's clothes yet, but am planning on having three made for my angel's two daughters and, of course, one for me. I am sure you could find someone, who knew how to quilt and see if one could be made from what you have remaining of your husbands things. I can't wait to curl up in mine and feel my precious husband wrapped around me. Linda

I am so sorry for your loss. Today, I am 130 days out, having just had the four month anniversary of the passing of the love of my life. I am still having the same feelings as you are having, still not believing he is gone, saddened that I will never see his face nor hear his voice again on this earth. For me, this is devastating. I loved him so much. We did so many things together and loved just being home alone with one another. He had been sick for a couple of years, but he always got better and came home to me. I was told on a Monday, that there was nothing else they could do for him and that he was not going to make it and he died on Thursday following that declaration. I never left his side during those last few days and was with him as much as I could be. Since he was in the CCU, I was not allowed to stay at night, so I had a guest room at the hospital, just so I could be near him. I suppose what I am trying to say is that even after four months, I am still having many moments of crying and denial. I still can't believe that my precious love is gone. I have been told by friends that I appear to be getting better, since others see a change in me, but I don't feel any better. I still want him back and wish I was with him or he was still with me, neither of which will ever happen. This journey we are all traveling is a real scorcher! Each of us must travel at our own speed and not be pushed by others. Jim's clothes are still in the closet and I don't have the willpower to remove them yet, but one day, maybe I will. I pray for strength, comfort and guidance, since I am not sure exactly what my life's path should be just yet. I am assuming that in His time, God will let me know. Until then, I will continue to come to this site, visit my grief support group and pray that one day I will be happy again. I pray these same things for you, since I really understand your feelings, as most everyone here does, as well. Hugs to you!! Linda

Thank you Kay. I hope Butch made it through the service OK. I have been to many funerals in my lifetime, but burying the love of my life and having to say goodbye, was the hardest one of them all. Although it was a beautiful service, with a harpist, a violinist and organist playing his favorite music, I was in too much shock to take it all in. I know Butch must feel lost right now. Even after 3-1/2 months, I am still lost without my love. I will feel so blessed to get past all the crying and deep grief, as I am sure Butch must be suffering now. I only recently visited my love's gravesite and it brought back all of the hospital/funeral memories I have been trying to avoid. All I could do was stand and look at the ground under my feet and cry for my great loss. Butch, I hope the flu is leaving you and you will be able to begin this terrible grief journey unencumbered with illness to handle, as well. Hugs and prayers to you, Butch! Keep returning to this site and it will help you so much. I am so happy I stumbled upon it.

Shalady, Thank you for your prayers and support. My husband was on a ventilator for the last 4-5 weeks of his life and was unable to speak. I tried to read his lips, but I was unable to do so, we tried writing, but he could not write very legibly. He finely just gave up trying to communicate and smiled and mouthed that he loved me, nodding in understanding when I spoke, but giving up on speaking. I would give my own life, just to hear his voice say those three words to me again and to be able to briefly hold him in my arms. I understand this is not possible, but like you, I miss having him near/with me. My life without him is so very empty and filled with nothing but loneliness. I miss him SO much!! Shalady, I also wish you peace and comfort and will pray for you as well. Linda

I have not posted much lately, but read this site daily. It has been about 3-1/2 months since I lost the love of my life and I seem to miss him more and more each day. I am so lonely and sad most of the time. My nights are miserable without my precious love. Doing things without him are terrible, so I just stay home. Like so many others here, Jim and I did everything together. I do still work, but I used to go home for lunch every day and we both so very much looked forward to my days off, so we could be together, regardless of what we were doing. In addition, he did so many things to help during the week, while I was at work. Now all those things fall on my shoulders. It's now up to me to change the oil in the car, check the air in the tires, fix things around the house, do the laundry, run various errands, do all the shopping, cooking and cleaning, etc., etc. I really didn't realize how much he did to help me, until he wasn't here to help any longer. He could fix anything and everything and I can't even use a screwdriver. It seems I discover new things daily that he would normally have done and I am so clueless how to do them now. I really hate living alone, but I have no desire to get out and socialize either. My heart is still breaking from my loss and the love I feel for him continues to grow even stronger every day. My mind is still in a fog, I forget to do things, simple things, like leaving my keys in the front door overnight or forgetting to turn on the alarm when I leave home. Sometimes I wonder if I am in early stages of some memory disease. After three months, I should be adjusting more, have a clearer mind and know what my purpose in life is supposed to be. All of these things are foreign to me right now. I am still attending a local grief support group and the meetings really help me to understand my own feelings and to know that I am not alone in the things I feel and think. Thanks to all of you, who speak to us about your thoughts and feelings, as it really does help me to know that I am not alone in this, that there are many others going through the same thing as I am and can help me get through this terrible journey. Linda

Kayc, You are so right that I am missing what "used to be" and I can never have that back. I grew so accustomed to having my precious Jim cuddled around me at night as we slept, coming up behind me in the kitchen and slipping his arms around me, kissing my neck, etc. I feel so alone now, even when I am with others. I have to learn to accept the fact that I must get used to his not being there for me. Even after 76 days, when I am watching TV and something funny happens, I turn to say something to him. Or if I am watching something I really like, I think "I should save this for Jim to see, as he would really like it". Granted it is only a very quick flash of a thought, but it's still there. Then it makes me sad, to once again, have to remember that he passed away and can't speak to me any longer. I miss him SO much. We did almost everything together. He wouldn't go anywhere that I wasn't invited and vice versa. We hated being apart. He begged me to get in the hospital bed with him and sleep cuddled next him during the night, but because of the wedges, the drips, the monitors, the tubes, etc., there was simply no room for me. I regret now that I didn't just remove some of those things and crawl in beside him. It haunts me that this was all he ever ask of me and I couldn't do it for him. I was afraid I might hurt him more and damage something. Now, I just wish I could put my arms around him ONE MORE TIME and cuddle up close to him!! I miss that so much!! Sorry to rattle on...I'm just feeling a lot of grief right now... Linda

One thing that is difficult for me, is to be out Christmas shopping for my grandkids and see all these happy, laughing people, while I am fighting back tears. It has been 75 days ago, since my precious Jim passed away and there isn't a single moment that I don't think of him, grieve for him and cry my eyes out for him. I know these people can't help being happy, just like I can't help being sad and I certainly don't wish them any ill will, I am just saying that it is difficult to focus on what I am doing, when all I want to do is cry and be with my Jim, while everyone around me appears to be so caught up in the spirit of Christmas. I was at a party for my grief support group last night and we all sang "O Holy Night" and I couldn't help but cry, since the song was our favorite Christmas carol. We often sent out virtual Christmas cards and we used the song as our background music. It was heart wrenching to hear the song and not be able to sing it with my beloved. Like Enna, I continue to receive mail and cards with Jim's name on them. I can't bear to open the mail with his name on it, since I feel like I am betraying him to be here, when he is no longer around. I won't be sending any cards either, as I simply am not inclined. No Christmas tree, no decorations, either. It's hard enough around the house with Jim's presence everywhere. I can't bear the decorations without him.

This is my first Christmas since my precious Jim passed away in October. I am still in the very raw stage, where I cry at almost everything. I have forced myself to be busy during this season, because after the new year, I will be all alone again. Right now I have several invitations and I have responded positively to all of them. I have never been a social butterfly, as Jim and I preferred to be alone, to enjoy the company of one another. I used to rush home from work and look forward to weekends, just so we could spend time together. Now I dread both, as coming home to a dark and empty house is not pleasant. I miss him more now than I did a month ago and my love for him grows ever deeper and more powerful each day. Last week, I was shopping for Christmas cards for Jim's kids, who live literally, around the world. I wanted the cards to be special. While looking, I glanced down and saw the most beautiful card, which said "To the Love of My Life". I picked it up and read the words and they said everything that I would have wanted to say to him, so I bought the card, knowing he would never see it, he would never read it, but I could still write a few lines of my own on the inside and read it aloud on Christmas morning, pretending to read it to my beloved. I know this may sound strange, but I really felt good about buying it for him. He would have loved it so much and probably would have bought one just like it for me, since we were so much alike (or maybe we had just become ONE). He was always calling me at work, just to say "I love you". Now, I have no hope, no plans, no dreams, only an empty, lonely life. I miss him SO much and suppose I am still in denial. It is so hard for me to believe that he is gone and will never be with me again. This site has been a real God-send for me. I keep it up throughout the day and read the posts. Although I may not post often, I have read almost everything posted since I joined the group, as well as most of the articles. Thanks to all of you, who help us with our journey of grief and who don't judge us or ask us to speed things up. I doubt I will ever be able to be grief free. I can only have a little hope, that one day I can make it through an entire day without crying crocodile tears.

BeBrave, I am so sorry for your loss. I do know what you are experiencing as the memories are still very fresh in my mind. I am looking at my two month anniversary tomorrow of my beloved's passing. With each passing day, like you, I seem to get worse. I miss him more now than I did immediately after his passing. If you haven't done so yet, you might want to seek out a grief counseling group in your area. Thanks to some of the others here and in my group, I have begun to heal a bit, but that raw pain is still present. I cry all the time and haven't touched anything in our house yet. Everything is just as he left it on July 26th when entered the hospital. The people here have been where we are, so take their words to heart. You will find that many things you are experiencing are shared by almost all of us. Although we are all different in our grieving process, we still share many of the same emotions and some of the same experiences. I certainly can't speak from much experience and am hoping, as I am sure are you, that one day things will ease and my high stress level will reduce to the point that I can begin to experience a normal life, one that no longer includes the man I still love so very much, one that is now empty and without much meaning, one that no longer has any dreams or thoughts for the future. You have come to the right place to share your thoughts, cry and learn from others. Hugs to you, Linda

Hi Annalou, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my precious Jim on October 2nd and have been traveling this journey of grief since before he passed away, due to a 68 day hospital stay. Like everyone else here, he was my great love, my rock and my strength. Although only married for 15+ years, we were very close, like ONE. I have never been so depressed, so filled with grief, anger, anxiety, depression, etc., as I am feeling now. I am mostly alone in my grief, although I do have some family living nearby, but they have their own lives to live and can't be with me all the time. I also am still working and find some solace in being away from the home we shared, which is filled with so much of him. I hope that one day I can feel comfortable in my own home, but right now, everything in it is a painful reminder of what I no longer have....HIM. Like you, I also feel that people are afraid to speak to me, to ask me how I am doing, for fear of hearing the truth, that I still love him, even more than ever, I still miss him so very much and I don't have some sort of disease that will heal itself in time, with a prescription or with words. My standard response when asked how I am doing, is "as well as can be expected, under the circumstances". I let it drop at that, fearing the really don't want to know that I cry all the time and my heart aches with so much grief, it is unbearable. Although it has been six weeks ago today, for me it seems only yesterday. Some days, I feel I am actually going backwards. I feel like the old adage, one step forward, two steps back. That's me, perfectly! Hugs to you, Linda

KAYC, I do accounting for a small industrial HVAC design & engineering company, mostly for the power plant sector. So far, so good. I haven't made any major blunders, but have found a few minor ones. Sometimes, my mind wanders to the things my Jim and I had planned for the upcoming months. Now I will be spending the holidays mostly alone. Right now, work is my friend, in that it keeps me occupied during the day. If I had a recliner, I would most likely sleep in it, as well. QMARY, I am not sure I will ever be up to traveling alone. My dreams of having my beloved by my side is no longer an option. The places we wanted to see, the things we wanted to do, are all moot now. My interest no longer exists for traveling, at least alone. I simply can't imagine that I would enjoy doing it by myself. Thank you both for your inspiration and for the hope you give me that I will one day work past this awful time. Linda

Deborah, I do try to take care of myself, but sometimes, I feel it simply isn't worth the effort. I did get in the kitchen over the weekend and make a large casserole for me to eat during the week. It was so big I had to freeze half of for next week. It is so hard for me to cook for one, but I have a couple of health issues, which require me to be on specialized diet, and preparing my own food has become necessary for my survival. Eating out is rare, especially alone, but was quite frequent before my Jim passed away. He always enjoyed eating out. Since I was all alone for the weekend, I did get a good bit of rest, but not much sleep. I find sleep hard to come by. I am usually awake several times during the night for various durations. I usually get up around 4:30am, since I try to get to work around 6:30am, but I seldom roll over to go to sleep before 10:30pm. Sleeping alone is one of my worst nightmares coming true. I miss my Jim more at night than at any other time. I never expected grief to be this hard. Thank you for helping me get through this most difficult time of my life.

Audra, I have been talking to Jim ever since he left me, although it is only a month today. Sometimes, I hear a thought in my head and I think maybe it came from him. He used to tease me about not cleaning the lint out of the dryer filter. Yesterday, as I was removing the dried clothes, I took the filter out and cleaned it and this little voice inside me said "I knew you could do it". I was startled at first, but believed this was something Jim would have said to me. It was very comforting for me. I was immediately hopeful that part of him was still by my side, helping me to cope with his absence and assuring me that I was not alone. I doubt I will ever stop talking to him, although he doesn't answer me, it doesn't seem to matter. I was hoping I wasn't going crazy, so it is nice to know that others talk to their loved ones, as well. Again, thank all of you for truthfully sharing your experiences, as this is really helping me to understand that the feelings I am experiencing are natural and normal and I am not turning into some freak show.

Spell check changed your name, KAYC. Sorry for the error.

Thank you lacy for your help. I was the same way with the sheets. Every time I need to move something of his that he left, I cry doing so. It is almost like I am removing a part of him from my life. Jim was the most gentle soul I have ever known. He treated me like a princess and I treated him like a king. He was my total and only focus for the last few months of his life, due to his declining health. Now I have no focus, nothing special to even get up for each day. I am forcing myself to muddle through each day, when all I want is to sob my eyes out. The grief and depression are unbearable.