Wildflower

Thanks so much for the support. I really appreciate it. It seems I am now not having such a problem with my Dad's dating, as a bigger issue regarding the nature of our relationship got exposed by my expressing a feeling about his dating-and that's what needs to be worked on. I do desire for my Dad to be happy, and am sure my Mom would want that to. I feel bad he has been upset. I can't change him, and ultimately we are all responsible for our own happiness. I am trying to see this as an opportunity to grow, to learn to set boundaries and to stay true to myself. Quite a challenge!

There's hope! I was careful how I broached the subject with my brothers. I did not use words such as narcissism, or emotional abuse. I used the word extreme behavior instead which they seemed to understand. One of my brothers has had a similar experience to me, while the other 2 may not have had a full awakening yet. As you say, they have to be ready for it. My dad has said he is working on forgiving me for what I have done. I have told him I am sorry he is upset, but am quite adamant that I should not be needing to be forgiven for expressing a feeling in a respectful way (I didn't tell him that part but maybe I should-didn't want to inflame things). I don't think my brothers quite get that. They may think I am just being insistent and trying to change him. The brother who had a similar experience to me says my Dad forgave him but has never let him forget that he forgave him. I wanted to tell him there was really nothing to forgive if he was just expressing a feeling. He will have to figure it out. Anyway, one step at a time. The right time will probably come for me to discuss things with my brothers in more depth. I have not fully confronted my Dad about his behavior toward me, so he may be a bit confused. Not sure if he has full awareness re the impact of his words, and seems he may have limited capacity to regulate his emotions, and to really understand the feelings of others. Going to let things run their course....it's going to take time. Thanks again!

Thanks! One of my brothers actually reached out to me this week as he has been having a hard time with my Dad. My Dad has been spinning a large web and it turns out my brothers started to get suspicious of his behavior. So some dialogue has begun between my brothers and I. It feels so good to talk to them again. We are trying to keep things positive and constructive. As you implied, it doesn't help to get mired in the past. We seem to be more or less on the same page. It has been a bit of an intense week, but things have moved forward, and I feel significant relief. Most likely we all going to deal with my Dad in our own way, One step at a time....I really appreciate your input especially as you have been through something similar, and really seem to understand the situation. I am still in only "light" email contact with my Dad at this time. Think my Dad is upset and frustrated by this, but it is all I can manage right now. Trying to keep positive, and talk about more general things. I have come too far to get sucked back in! It isn't easy!

Thanks Kay. I know that I don't have control over my brothers and that it is really their business how they relate to my Dad. So that thought brings me some relief as I can't be responsible for them. I definitely will keep sending them some positive emails, birthday cards etc. They know deep down what my Dad is like, they just need to find their individual way of dealing with him. Right now it seems he has quite a bit of power over them and they may be under his spell. He can be quite threatening. Right now what is happening, if I email my brothers (just pleasantries) none of them respond, but I then get an email from my Dad. So it seems to me he is trying to control all communication. Crazy. We are all almost 50 yrs old! So I understand they are in a difficult position. I realize now how much my mother kept him in check while she was alive. Lots of deep breathing and yoga....!

Hi again! I am feeling so isolated. I don't know what I would do without this website. It seems my Dad is using triangulation tactics. I am not getting any communication from my brothers. I think my Dad has ordered a no contact policy! Boy oh boy! They know that I expressed a feeling to my Dad in a respectful way about his dating after my Mom died, but they don't know about his reaction to that and how inappropriate it was. I have a feeling he has really twisted things around, and is now trying to turn them against me. If this is what he is doing, it seems very cruel. I have deliberately not wanted to involve my brothers, so as not to put them in a difficult position, but it seems he has involved them, and now they may only be seeing things from his perspective. I am trying to stay positive. I don't want things to get ugly. I know have acted with integrity. Hopefully my brothers will "see the light" sometime.

I decided the situation with my dad is still a bit volatile right now. My brothers are all pretty astute and am sure will have their own "light bulb moment" at some point. I don't want to inflame things right now, so am going to wait until the timing feels better before reaching out to them. Let things run their natural course for bit...

Thanks Kay. It will be interesting to see how things pan out. My mother told my brothers and I when we were very young to always remember that our Dad was "very hard on the outside but very soft on the inside". The incident with my father-that triggered a lot of my posts on this website-brought her words back to me. They had been buried deep inside me somewhere. I really know what she meant now and have finally accepted it. It seems his exterior is concealing somebody who is very fragile and insecure inside. So when I reach out to my brothers, I am going to refer to those words of my mother. I am not going to tell them what to do. Luckily they are all pretty astute. I think their experiences are a bit different to mine as I am the only daughter. In the end no matter what happens, I agree that I have to be true to myself.

I can totally apply your words to my Dad. This is so helpful. You really understand what it's like. You and this website have given me courage to now reach out to my brothers. I can do it!

Thanks Kay. Yes, I am reading them thanks to you and they are very helpful. I also appreciate your mentioning secondary losses with grief which I had not really considered. I found an article on this website about that topic which is very helpful. You also mentioned in previous post about loving part of your own Mom. I am trying to focus on the good parts of my father. I really feel he has full on narcisstic personality disorder. So am proceeding with caution, but determined to stay true to myself now that my eyes have been opened. Your support is so appreciated!

Thanks Kay. Yes, my brothers will come around eventually I think. They are all in such close proximity to my Dad which makes it harder for them. I am in a different country, so have a built in buffer! (which helps). I will try to reach out to my brothers some time even though it seems my Dad doesn't want us communicating directly with each other. Think he wants to control the communication. I'm a grown woman though and can ultimately talk to whoever I want to right, no matter what he thinks!?

Hi there. Time to check in again. I feel better already just coming here. So as you mentioned Kay, my Dad might bring out all his artillery, and that does seem to be happening. I have not said anything to my brothers. 2 of them just spent time away with him during the holidays, and now don't seem to be responding to any of my emails-just general ones like "Happy New Year." I have the feeling he has been drumming up sympathy and using me as the scapegoat. Oh well. The third brother actually has good insight into my Dad, and "throws me a dime" every now and again, but lives right below my Dad and is financially dependent on him. I feel like I am grieving in many ways-over the loss of my Mom, the loss of my Dad as it seems I really didn't have a natural loving relationship with him, and now possibly the loss of my siblings, as I am to becoming more isolated from them. I am keeping a low contact relationship with my Dad. I seem to fall into the trap of getting Hoovered back in, and then try to back pedal out which is confusing. So decided to give 24 hr at least before responding to his emails. My husband helps by being intermediary if necessary. I am hanging in there....!

Thank you

Thanks Kay. I really appreciate your support, and keeping me from losing perspective. Right now I cannot really talk to my brothers. My father has made that difficult. Plus I don't think it's fair to involve them, although at some point I feel I should tell them briefly that my relationship with our father is no longer what it used to be. They know what he is like but they live close to him and probably prefer status quo to upset right now. I guess the priority is to sort myself out first. My support right now is coming from my family and friends here, and this website. I am considering some one to one counseling. The woman I have been referred to has a hospice counseling background which Is good, and does relationship counseling. I don't want to get too mired down in the past, yet I feel that I need it validated. I keep doubting myself, I think because my Dad has made me feel so guilty. I will stand strong though. I am determined. But it isn't that easy! I am learning a lot and will grow as a person. This whole experience has been quite an awakening.

So, I find my emotions have been swinging a lot this week. I go from anger about my past/flashbacks, to acute bouts of grief, to feeling heartbroken that my Dad has said he is so upset with me. I worry he is going to have a heart attack or something (and then blame me!). I know I have to stand my ground and not give in to him. I guess it is going to take time and practice. I am a methodical and goal oriented person and want everything sorted out! I can also be obsessive, so am trying not to let this issue with my Dad take over my life! I find that I cry out to my Mom in heaven for help, but the reality is that she is no longer here to stand up to my Dad for me. It is a hard fact to face up to. I can usually "feel" her and see little signs of her. But I haven't felt much from her this week. I worry that I have somehow upset her in heaven as my Dad is upset. I know this is probably irrational. What might be happening is that she is giving me space to sort out this issue with my Dad on my own. I am sure it was very difficult for her to be stuck in the middle. But she never liked to see him upset, which is probably why I feel guilty. I am trying to take walks, meditate, take warm baths, and should probably exercise more to help calm down and give this time...I have decided just to keep respectful, but minimum communication with my Dad at this point in order to cope. We do have the Atlantic Ocean between us so it's not like I have to see him every day! Once again, I so appreciate being able to vent like this. I'm not going mad am I?!

Thanks Kay. I like the waterfall image. I will use that as it does become very hard to even be able to get a word or to in when he is on a rampage. I think I have some good tools to use now to help "deflate" the interaction if needed, and be able to stand my ground at the same time. Appreciate all the support!

I have been doing a lot of reading/researching. A lot of what I read has always been in my gut I am realizing. I think since childhood I was immersed in my Dad's FOG. I knew something was wrong but couldn't see it clearly. Throughout my life It has now become clear that my Mom was always there to protect me from his verbal abuse. She encouraged me to move to the States in my early twenties. I always wondered about that. It's a very long way from where I grew up. Now I think she did it for my best interest. It was the best gift she ever gave me. It allowed me to grow strong and independent without my Dad's influence. Since she passed a year ago the true nature of my relationship with my Dad has shown itself. I am now strong enough to stand up to him without her, but still have a lot from the past to accept. It will take time to find peace with it, but there is a lot of support available. This website opened the door for me. Thank you. Thank you!

Thanks Kay. Is there a way to post my address privately?

Thanks so much Marty and Kay. The article was very helpful Marty, and I will look into the book you mentioned above Kay. It sounds appropriate to my situation. I am going to try my best to communicate adult to adult to him, but he can be very manipulative and demeaning. As a result as kids we would channel most of our communication to him through my Mom. We were very fearful of upsetting him and causing an outburst which is what is going on with him now. He threatened me not to involve my brothers when he called me today, even though he was the one who tried to get one of them involved a few days ago. I might have to get more professional help to learn how to deal with him and communicate effectively. At least I have made a big step in the right direction with your help!

Just to let you know, my father just called and really lambasted me, saying nobody has ever upset him so much etc. He followed up with an equally upsetting email just to really squash me....Textbook narcissism. Anyway, thanks to you guys and to my very supportive husband, I kept calm, did not apologize, let him vent, and reassured him I still loved him. Strangely, I feel like a whole new person now. It is the first time in 46 years that I have ever stood up to him! Maybe I am finally finding my voice. I could not have remained calm and stood up to him if I did not have the support of you and this website. Cannot thank you enough. I was in a bit of a crisis, and this pulled me through it. I know there is still a lot for me to work through, but I feel I'm in a much better place now. I have been getting little signs from my beloved Mom to....May she rest in peace.

Thanks so much for the support.

Hi Marty, I went over our posts again last night, and realized that I did know what to do. I appreciate you helping me keep perspective and sanity. I am standing my ground but reassuring him that I love him. I little time out will help. And a lot of deep breathing! Thank you once again.

Sorry to bug you again! But now it seems my father does not want to talk to me directly, and has asked one of my brothers to get involved as he says he is having difficulty interpreting what I am saying to him. I thought I expressed my feelings very clearly and respectfully to him. I really don't feel I need to rehash it and don't want my brothers to get involved as it's not not fair to put them in that position. I feel bad my Dad may be upset about what I expressed, but don't feel I should apologize. Think his narcissistic tendencies are coming out. My brother emailed to say Dad is in quite a state. Should I just take a step back and hope things settle a bit? I just worry he is upsetting all my brothers now when they are also still grieving. Help!

Thank you guys for your wonderful support. You don't know what it means to me! It is keeping me sane!

Thank you so much for your support. It is really helping to keep me clear headed. Much appreciated!

So I started the dialogue with my Dad about his dating. I began by saying I am still going through the healing process and grieving for my Mom, and while I was pleased that he was thriving and pursuing new relationships with other women, I am still having a hard time accepting these relationships.. I told him it would be best that if he was coming to stay/visit with us, that he pursue his relationship with a woman in our town elsewhere as I can't deal with that infiltrating my world at this time. I am just not ready for it. He replied by acting like I was in some major crisis and needing to be rescued. So he kind of flipped the problem away from what I was trying to tell him. He offered to fly me back home which is very nice, but not what I am looking for. I replied by saying "thank you, but I am getting good support where I am, and all I want is for you to understand my feelings" I guess my Moms passing has exposed some cracks in our relationship. I would always communicate through my Mom to him as he is difficult. He likes to bark orders and still thinks I'm his little girl, even though I'm a grown woman of 46! So I am trying to remain calm, and stand my ground In a respectful way. I am trying to understand what he is going through as it can't be easy losing a spouse. I do feel much better after expressing my feelings to him a bit, but just wish he would acknowledge what I am feeling. Maybe that's too much to ask. I do hope to one day be able to accept him dating/marrying another woman. He just seems so confused right now.