Hi Friend,
You came to the right place. Here, you can freely share your feelings and you will be understood and helped.
When we get older, it's inevitable that some of our friends and loved ones gradually leave us for life. I lost my dad when I was very small so I did not know grief then. I always prided myself to have all 11 siblings alive until May of 2006 when my older brother, 56 yo, and the closest to me died in a vehicular accident. I was away on graduate school that I was not even able to communicate with him for a long time before the incident. The pain was so great that til now there are moments when I feel the pain of losing him. Then in 2007, my mother followed at the age of 77. They were the "buddies" in the family since my dad died. My mom must have missed him so much that triggered her own sickness. She was diagnosed to be with stage 4 cancer after her 77th birthday and only months after my brother died. Honestly, I grieved more for my brother because with my mom, we were more prepared to meet her departure because we were able to care for her in the hospital. Later, 3 of my other brothers had a stroke one after another so we were always faced with the possibility of another death in the family. Last 2011, another brother close to me succumbed to death after a stroke. All of us siblings gathered together feeling numb and trying to accept the reality that one day we all will have to face the end of the journey.
Life is a mystery; and death may either build us up or break us down. We need one another to go through this grief journey together. My deepest condolences to your loss.
Hugs,