Annalou

I'm so sorry for loss mamabriggs. I too lost my husband in April. It was also very unexpected and sudden. I'm sure many of us could beat ourselves up over what ifs. I know I've replayed those last horrible events in my head many times. Know that it was not your fault, that he loves you and is still very much with you. Lately, when I really miss my love, I've been trying to focus and just try to feel him and his love. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. Minute to minute, take care of yourself and your kids. Don't let anyone pressure you into making decisions. Let go of his things if and when you're ready. A lot of my husbands things are just where he left them, and it's been a little over seven months. They bring me comfort. I had people messaging me within hours of his death, asking for his things. Those people have yet to hear a response from me, and probably never will.

Gracie my heart goes out to you. I understand depression, and pill dependence all too well. My husband was bipolar, and also had borderline personality disorder. I walked to hell and back more than once with him. Like I said before the last years of his life were quite difficult. We fought so much, it was terrible. One thing I learned from living with someone with mental illness, is that depression, and demons, make people do and say things that they don't really mean. I learned throughout the years to not take these things personally. I knew in my heart that he loved me and our daughter more than amything.There were days and still are really where doubt would creep in. During those times, I think about the little things, how he made me laugh every day, how he would sometimes just watch me sleep, or reach for my hand while we watched tv. There were times when I would get so lonely and sad, I would think that I had surely lost him. Then the darkness would lift, and there he would be. Things were just starting to turn around for him, and for us. Then he was gone. I get so angry some days, we deserved to have more good before he left, so did you and your husband. On good days though, I see it as insurance that we will be together again, because there is no possible way that we're done teaching, and learning from one another. Love is eternal.

Thank you all, so very much. In reading your responses, I was looking back. Gosh at six weeks I was still just walking in circles. Eating what was handed to me. Going through the motions. I realized the other day, I had been searching and searching, I didn't know for what. Then it hit me, I was searching for an end to all of this. An end that will not come. I miss him every minute of every day. We were only 19 when we found each other. We grew up together. Made an amazing person together. We were two that became one. Now I'm just one. I don't like being one. It's hard to imagine doing this for the rest of my life.

I lost my husband, on April 10, 2014. The worst day of my life. My worst nightmare come to life. Poof, he just didn't wake up. I loved and cared for him for 27 years. He was only 46. My husband suffered from mental illness. The last few years were particularly difficult. He sometimes had a tendency to not want to feel. That meant taking a few more pills than he should have. This was an issue for me for quite some time. It wasn't something he always did. The pills were the only thing that made the panic attacks, and the "monsters" go away. I was always so torn. I would get angry, and sad, and lonely whenever he would just check out. On the other hand, how do you tell the person you love that they can't have the only thing they feel gives them relief. The morning he passed, I was pretty irritated with him. I could tell he had taken too many pills. I went to wake him, he had a doctor appointment. When I got to the bedroom door, silence. I tried to wake him, my daughter called 911. We started CPR, paramedics arrived, it was too late. I have an incredible support team. I'm close to my family, and they have been so caring and supportive of both myself and my daughter. I have friends, that I'm in contact with every day. Even with all of this love, and support, I have never been so lonely in my life. As supportive as everyone has been, they don't have the experience to understand. I'm at a place where I don't feel like I can be honest about how miserable I am every single day. No one wants to hear, that while I'm getting used to my new normal, it still hurts just as bad as it did the first day. When I do voice my pain, I get short answers, "I'm so sorry " "it's not fair". They have absolutely no idea what to do with me. I have no idea what to do with myself. So here I am. A member of the worst club ever. I came to this forum hoping to find some understanding, and ears that know what it feels like to have your entire body ache with longing and pain. Not one of us wants to belong to this horrible club. It's at least comforting to know we're not alone.