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Anthony9528

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  1. HI there, I hope everyone is doing well. Of course, today is Valentine's day, and I'm sure for most of us here, not our favorite holiday. LOL I've been moving along, doing my thing, focused on my goals, and always looking to add new ones. Trying to stay positive even when the negatives sneak attack me. Although, today, out of all days, I really need some advice!! I sense trouble on the horizion and I need your input. So my ex... Since the initial meeting we had a few weeks ago in my last post, I've seen her a few times in the gym. She has come up to talk to me, has told me I looked good, etc.... I never really made a big deal about it and just stayed polite b/c I really didn't want any drama in the gym since that is like my second home. Well, today was different... and granted, I feel I am to blame for starting it.... She was there this morning.... I waved hi and kept going on about my business.... Later on I stopped over to talk to her. I could have avoided doing so but I figured it wouldn't be a big deal. We had some some chit chat and a couple of laughs... But then she asked me if we would ever be able to hang out again and that she missed me. I told her I missed her too b/c, let's be honest, I still do. She texts me later to tell me she really hopes we can be friends and hang out. I told her that would be kinda hard for me b/c I'm still not really over her. She said that she still has feelings for me too.... Which, I'm thinking to myself, ok whatever, that's why you are online dating.... I said well rather than having a text convo I would be happy to get together and talk if she wanted to. She agreed and we will get together after work one day this week. So now, here I am, I'm going to see her face to face and I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing. I'm different now... But the fact is I also still miss her deeply. What do I do? How do I remain strong when the gravity of this is pulling on me so hard. I am hoping we have an open and honest conversation but I also don't want to put too much of myself out there. I can't say right now what I'm hoping to gain from this, if anything. All's I know is I'm scared. What do I do?
  2. Hi everyone! I wanted to give an update b/c it has been a while and something happened this morning that is worth sharing. Plus, I really could use some advice. So, up until this point, I've been doing my own thing. Focusing on myself. Letting time heal me although I do still think about my ex. But it's weird b/c I do still think about her but not in a missing her, I need her near me way.... if that makes any sense. I went to the gym this morning doing my thing and there she was. It was the first time I've seen her since the break, well I saw her the week after to get my stuff but you know what I mean. It will be 2 months this weekend since it ended. I kept debating whether or not to ignore her. But I decided to be the bigger person and I went up to her. I simply said hi, welcome back, we exchanged some quick chit chat and that was it. Then as I was leaving, probably not even 10 minutes later, she texts me to thank me for not making it weird and that she really appreciated it. I texted back and just said no worries, we're cool. She then texted me to say she was glad to hear that and really hopes we can be friends but she will leave that up to me. I didn't respond and deleted the texts. Was it a good move???? I felt that if I did respond, anything I said would not have been better than not responding at all. If she truly wants to be friends, I'm not even sure what that would mean??? Why would she want to be friends with me? I'm glad I approached her and got that initial contact over with. I think if I didn't do it she wouldn't have so I feel good about that. I did feel the wound open up a little but I'm ok. I also felt the pull of wanting to get sucked back in which I'm still currently fighting. I keep reminding myself that she hurt me bad, whether she realized it or not. I know that if I were friends with her, there would always be a part of me that would be bitter. Plus, I also think it would hinder my healing progress. I've come a long way since that emotional day and would hate to regress. So what do you guys think about this?
  3. Hi there!!! I'm here to help too. You were kind enough to respond to my post (thank you for that!!) so you already know my back story. I hate to say this but I think both you and the widow should be apart right now or at least move at a snail's pace. You both need to learn how to be alone with yourselves in order to truly heal from your past experience. Right now each of you have each other to cover the thoughts of the previous relationship but the problem is you both haven't healed from it yet.... Its just a mask, a temporary fix. My ex still hasn't even been divorced a full year yet. When we got together back in July we were in it super fast.... she was talking marriage, I met all of her friends and family, etc. And then ended it in the blink of an eye...... And now she is already back on the dating scene.... I can see now she still missed her ex-husband even though he cheated on her. She wanted me to fill that role. She wanted me to do all of the things they did when they were together.... And after the honeymoon phase wore off (on her bc I still was in love with her) she realized I wasn't like her husband. I'm pretty sure our trip to Puerto Rico proved that. I will never really know for sure b/c then her dad passed away shortly after our return... but if I had to guess I would say the trip was the main killer and her dad passing didn't make things easier. I was like you with your previous relationship... I did anything and everything for my ex. Loved her with all my heart. I backed up my words with actions. I ignored all the warning signs, and there were quite a few, b/c I considered her the love of my life. Love is funny that way... Try to put emotions on the back burner for just a second and think rationally. Make a separate list, one for your old relationship and one for the new potential relationship.... Positives and negatives. I did that for mine and what I realized is that all of the negatives were specific to my ex (didn't show affection, past history, red flags, etc.)..... All of the positives were specific to being in a relationship in general (having someone to do stuff with, someone to hold in bed at night, etc.) I'm sure you get the idea. It was a real eye opener for me.... And though there are a few specific little quirks I still miss about my ex-girlfriend, having those back would not outweigh the negatives, that in the long run, would have eventually probably ended it at some point. Better now than finding out after getting married.
  4. Oh a couple of other things I forgot to mention..... My ex still hasn't been back to the gym which has been a blessing in disguise. I hope she chooses not to go back there but if she does, that's fine. I don't own it and have no right to want to keep her out. If/when she does come back, I will be ready to deal with the situation. Also, I stepped out of my comfort zone on New Year's Eve and went to a friend's house party. It felt so good! I dreaded being alone but the invitation presented itself and I refused to say no. I needed to just do it as opposed to sitting home alone and trapped in my mind. I was able to do a little socializing which I've always had some trouble with in the past but my confidence and self-esteem are slowly growing which helped. I went in there with no expectations and I have to say I'm so glad I did. All of the self improvement I'm doing right now is for me. That is very important!!! Don't do it for someone else, do it for yourself!!! Don't change for someone else. Make changes b/c you want them. My ex told me I'm too affectionate which makes me clingy.... Well, guess what... I'm an affectionate guy. I want my actions to match my words. I will not change that about myself b/c I like that about myself. Affection is just as important to men as it is women (even the tough guys still need affection even though they don't want to admit it). : )
  5. Good morning everyone!! It's so funny b/c I just realized that a little time has passed since my last post and I wanted to give an update only to come on here this morning and see some new posts as well! Thank you so much!!!! Ok, let's begin.... My thoughts might be a little scattered... I have a lot to say. : ) So where did I leave off? Ah, yes, Christmas Eve.... Wow, that was a tough one. Christmas day was as well... I do feel bad that I wasn't able to give my family the attention they deserved and did my best to hide any sorrow I had but they all could tell I was still hurting and they understood, for the most part. Here we are today.... I'm doing much better. I've been very positive these past few weeks. I've been reading a ton of self-help books which I can't believe b/c I was never a big reader. I've been completely focused on myself.... consistent with my diet, hitting the gym religiously, trying to re-connect with old friends, getting involved with my old hobbies, as well as starting some new ones. One of my recent favorites is the speed bag I set up in my basement!!! I've been practicing almost every night for the past several weeks and I've gotten pretty good at it now. Plus, what I stress reliever to repeatedly punch something. LOL!!! No, I'm not picturing my ex's face on the bag.... stop that! Well, ok, maybe once, twice, or a few times..... LOL I have to say I'm not the person I was several weeks ago.... Oh, how I still remember the day.... I'm better!!!! I'm extremely motivated, feeling positive, and focused. When those negative thoughts creep on in to my mind, I fight them off like a ninja. It's only been a little over a month since the break and I'm working towards the future. A future without my ex. The old me accepted a lot of things about that relationship that I wasn't comfortable with.... The new me realizes she is not the one for me. I'm still nowhere near ready to date and that's ok. Well, I shouldn't say not ready, more like not willing. I want to be completely healed within myself and be comfortable to put forth the effort that a relationship requires. I choose not to start another relationship until I know I can give it my all. That wouldn't be fair to the other person. I do miss sex though.... LOL So, I've been guilty at still trying to look at my ex's Facebook page even though I un-friended her and blocked her. Yes, there are still ways around it to get to her profile pic, believe me, I know and have done it..... But, guess what???? Something happened just yesterday that has helped me move on a little more. So, I was on one of the dating websites just doing random searches (probably in preparation for my future self) and who did I find??? My ex-girlfriend!! She is already up and running on the dating scene. Of course, I was shocked.... but then I realized... Why? If that's what she needs to do then I hope she is able to find happiness. I almost feel sorry and wish I could help her heal. To go through a divorce, then have a bunch of hook-ups, then have a relationship with me, then have your father pass away all in a matter of less than a year, that has to be hard on anyone.... And to now be out dating again.... Well, maybe she is stronger than I think she is... and, if so, I give her credit. All I can do and continue to do is focus on me, my thoughts, and being a better person in this world. The rest will all fall in to place. Things happen for a reason. I am thankful for my past as I am now prepared for a better future! Anyone that reads this, please continue to post, please add your stories and comments. I am here to listen and help in any way!!!!!
  6. Thank you both. Your support has definitely helped these past weeks. I cant believe will already be a month this Sunday.
  7. Its Christmas eve and even though im with family right now, i miss her. I miss her so much. I havent missed her this much in a while. It will be a month this Sunday. No word from her, not that I expect to hear from her... I wish she would reach out to me.
  8. Ugh, rough day today..... I'm missing her so bad today. Can't help but cry... I was doing so good too.... It just came out of nowhere and I can't shake it. The holidays really aren't helping either. I wish I had some Christmas spirit. I love this holiday and now I feel like I'm gonna miss out on it this year. I don't even want to get in to talking about New Years...... I'm trying my hardest to stay positive but today I'm hurting horribly.
  9. So the hat that I ordered for my ex prior to our break up arrived.... And I decided after my recent heartache I would not give her the gift and that she didn't deserve it. So I open up the package to see what I had ordered and was like "wow, this hat is perfect for her. It is so her. She would love it." She loves wearing silly winter hats and this one that I got for her was perfect..... Unfortunately, I still can't give it to her b/c of any possible issues that may occur or how she would read my intentions. She clearly is trying to avoid me as she has not been to the gym now for almost 2 weeks. For me, to send this gift to her I see as only causing trouble. But yet, I want her to have it so bad..... It's weird that after all the pain I've suffered over these past 2 weeks, I am still willing to give. I'm not sure why.... Ugh, I wish I could give it to her. I know she would smile. I want her to smile even though I am suffering.
  10. Oh, and just a few more points too... As time goes by, it will get a little easier, not a lot but a little and that makes a difference. When I hear my phone go off with a text I'm still hoping its her and when its not, I don't get as upset as I did a week ago. I still have not seen her in the gym.... She has chosen to stay away.... at least for now. Part of me would like to think the reason is b/c she is realizing she made a terrible mistake in letting me go and now can not look at me.... LOL But whatever the reason, it has been a good thing. No contact is definitely helping me come to terms with everything. I know if/when she does return back to her normal schedule that will be tough for me but I know I will be strong enough to handle it. If, in the future, she does tell me she wants to try again, she will have to earn my trust. I don't know how but after the pain I've been through it will be hard for me to just forget that. I don't have the false hope that everything will go back to normal as I once did several days ago, I think Saturday's event killed that which I believe was the best thing for me to see. But, you never know what the future holds.
  11. Thank you for your story!! Its been a few days since I responded and after reading your post it felt like a good time for me to give an update as well as try and help you. Ok, so let's see.... My last post was about when I picked up my stuff this past Saturday.... Wow, still a bit of a shocking experience. My heart broke again that today. I have not heard from my ex since then and I also have not texted her. Yes, I still ache for her and wonder what she is doing but I'm starting to value myself more than I did a week ago.... and, let me just remind you, if you go back and read my first post, I was a freakin mess!!!! I never felt emotional pain like that. I still at times do try to analyze the relationship and situation... what I might have done wrong, should I have been more assertive, etc.... Listen, you can't do that.... Nothing can change the events that have now happened and you trying to change yourself or apologize for something you may have or have not done is not right. You are better than that! Since my breakup, I've been doing a lot of reading.... which I will admit, was something I rarely did. I wholeheartedly suggest you start reading the book "getting past your breakup" by susan j elliott. That is definitely helping me. At least in your situation, you are not officially broken up but it kinda sounds like you know in your heart that you already are. I advise you, please go no-contact!!! It will be the hardest thing to do, especially in the beginning, but it is the best option. I broke down by the 3rd day and texted her and didn't really get the response I'd hoped for. I'm sure you saw that in my earlier posts. Also, Facebook - if you use it, stop!!!!!!!! I was checking it constantly!!! And then the minute my ex posted her beautifully lit Christmas tree that Saturday night was when I drew the line and un-friended her and I haven't looked her up on Facebook since. Now, in my situation, there were things I purposely overlooked about my ex that were warning signs from the beginning. Love can do that. Thinking rationally about things, I can see a bit more clearly. In that book I referenced. you are asked to make lists.... positives and negatives about a few different categories. That helped me tremendously!!! It gives you a better sense of the relationship that once was b/c whatever relationship you and your boyfriend have from this point on will be different. You are both forever changed. Now, I'm not saying I'm the greatest guy by any means, but in my defense of any shortcomings, I did everything for my ex. There was nothing I wouldn't have done. I treated her with respect, tenderness, compassion and love. Maybe this was my downfall in the end. Maybe that was too overwhelming for her. I will never know the truth. All I can say is I gave it everything I had and that is something I can be proud of. I'm not gonna lie. The pain will be unbearable. I am still not at a full night sleep. Do I still miss her? HECK YEAH!!!! But it's important to realize your value!!!!!! Please post back to tell me how you are doing. Everyone on here has helped me and we will try to do the same for you! I know you feel alone but trust me you are not!!
  12. Well its officially over. What i experienced today was horrible. So i texted my ex to see if i can get my stuff today before heading to my friends house. I figured to get it over with instead of waiting til tomorrow. She texted me back and said sure come over..... I go over there and it was like she was having a party. All her friends were there and putting up the christmas tree having a great time. Its like i never existed.... She showed no feeling what so ever. My heart broke again today. You would think she would have the decency to spare me that scene but i guess not. I guess in a way it was good that i saw it. Still hurt so bad. It also made me decide that she does not deserve the gift i was going to send her. How could she do that to me? It didnt seem like her father's death mattered much either..... It hasnt even been a full week but i guess the person ending the relationship always has the easier time moving on. I am still in shock... How could i have loved someone like this? What also sucks is im jealous she was able to move on so fast and im struggling to make it thru each day.....
  13. Quick update of this evening.... I managed to shake the negativity that was holding me down a little while ago. I even had a brief cry which hadnt happened in the past day or so. It came unexpectedly.... Im all good now. I started reading the book "getting past your breakup" by susan j elliott. I highly recommend this to anyone experiencing the same pain. Its definitely helping!!
  14. This is going to be a long night.... First Friday night alone without my ex. I have plenty to keep me busy but she is still constantly on my mind. I wish i lived closer to my family... Being in CT and they in NY, its not like I can just pop over. I do have friends but they have their own families to tend to. Its hard being 40 and single when the majority of who know are settled down. I know I will manage thru tonight but boy does it really suck!!!! I do still wonder what she is doing and how she is feeling, especially with her dad passing. Oh well... Ugh... I wish I had some motivation to do something.... Anything.... I know i control this feeling but right now im just blah, void of any desire to do anything but sit here.... As I mentioned earlier.... This sucks!!!!!!!
  15. Thank you! Unfortunately, this morning I had a little setback. Feeling pretty sad at the moment and missing her bad. I hope to shake this feeling at some point soon throughout today. My rational thinking and feeling driven thinking are constantly fighting with each other. Looks like my feelings won this latest round. : (
  16. So, here we are... another day. I definitely do not feel as bad as I did 5 days ago. Still hurting but I'm trying to think rationally about things as opposed to my feelings taking over. Little to no tears now but I still feel a hole inside me. I've definitely been focusing on myself... Getting back to hobbies that were pushed off to the side while with my ex, as well as other things I'd like to start doing. I do still miss her and wish I could just talk to her, even if it was to say something silly or joke about something. I wonder what she is doing.... How she is doing.... Whats going on in her mind.... I still am having a little anxiety over this coming Sunday.... I have no expectations and I'm sure it will just be a cold exchange of material belongings but part of me still hopes for something a little more. My friends and family have all said I'm better off but I guess I'm still a little blinded by love. Ok thoughts on this? I can't remember if I already asked..... I had already bought her a Christmas gift prior to the recent events. It is something small, just a hat, no jewelry or anything like that. I still would like her to have it b/c it is so her. I remember her eyes lighting up when we came across it a few months ago. I always remember the little things.... Even if I just mail it to her at Christmas time with a short little message, would that be wrong? I don't think it would hinder my healing process but I need an outside opinion. I do recognize that if one day we were to ever try again that things would be different (not that I'm hanging on to the thought of getting back together, but the thought is there). We are both forever changed and she would have to earn my trust. My shell has definitely hardened a bit.
  17. I had to come here and post a few things I recently found that have helped me with my grieving process. Not sure if these should be posted here or maybe better suited in a different forum but please take a look. Now that I have plenty of time to myself, I'm trying to make the most of it. I think stuff like this will help me heal and in time also find love again. I hope this helps others as well. Please let me know your thoughts. 13 Rules for Being Alone and Being Happy About It http://riskology.co/alone/ The missing piece meets the Big O
  18. Yes Marty, I didn't think of it that way when I mentioned her loss was greater than mine. So true... I'm seriously hurting too and I shouldn't ignore that. I have to say it's been ok today. Not many tears but thoughts of her are still there. I'm trying to make a mental list of those things I might not have liked about the relationship, not that there were many, but I think I'm trying to find a way to make myself feel better now that she left me. I still have thoughts as to why she ended it but I can say that it is not as bad as it had been. Kay, regarding her text message back... Yeah I guess her response wasn't bad. She didn't have to respond at all or just have said 'thank you." However, even though she said she would keep talking to me at some point in the future in mind, I feel I will have to take that with a grain of salt. She could have been just being polite. Either way, I cannot continue to analyze what she said. I'm a little concerned now about Sunday. Waiting this long before getting my stuff back. I wish I could get it sooner and get it over with but I'm not planning on contacting her again. When she does come by, I don't expect her to stay. I expect its a drop and run. I hope she doesn't want to chit chat about anything b/c I won't have the strength to turn her away. I did take a big step though, I think. So, I have kept every text message we've exchanged since we met.... Today, I deleted those. I did not go back to read any of them b/c I know it would have just made me upset b/c there were so many love filled texts. Reading those would not change anything. My memories of those events are still plenty fresh and reading them would only amplify my pain and take longer for me to let go. I do still have her as a friend on Facebook. She has not removed me either which I thought she might have done so already. CoCoa, thank you for sharing your story with me. I know time will heal me. Still so hard right now to see that.
  19. Oh, and another thought.... She was not at the gym this morning either. Whether she is staying away right now for my benefit or for hers, I will never know...
  20. Another day.... everyone has been so great here on this site!! I appreciate all of your insight and support. Thoughts as of this morning.... and I apologize if I repeat anything I've said in previous posts. I'm kinda just spewing out what is on my mind and what I am feeling. This is like a therapy for me in a sense. Posting here allows me to see my thoughts in written context right in front of me which hopefully will help the healing process. This post might be rather long, I've felt a lot since my last post late yesterday. So.... after letting my emotions get the best of me knowing very well what I was doing was wrong and going against the advice of everyone here.... I texted her..... and said the following: Sorry to bother you. I hope you are doing ok. No need for you to respond... I just want to let you know if you ever want to talk, please don't hesitate to reach out to me. I promised I would be there for you and I meant that. Take care of yourself. Now, I didn't necessarily expect a response.... but looking back now I guess that's exactly what I wanted. When she ended it with me, she so stone cold. No emotion. I think I can say that I wasn't looking for some warm and fuzzy response but who knows for sure..... She responded by saying: No bother. Thank you! I will definitely keep that in mind. Take care of yourself as well. Ok, so I thought that response was rather cold...... I pretty much got the feeling it was definitely over and have been trying to accept that and actually did a good job of that last night. Again, that was last night. I did text her back to ask her when I can get my guitar back that is still over her house. She asked if Saturday was good. I said no I won't be home but how about Sunday. So Sunday it is, she will drop it off to me. I needed to get my stuff back as soon as possible so I can try and begin to move on. Moving past that event, I did go to my friend’s house to see his baby. After talking to my friend’s wife for a while last night, she pointed out some things that she considered warning signs that, looking back at it now, I can see…. Hindsight is always 20/20 I’m sure the death of her father pushed her over the edge but also her past relationships were not the healthiest. She always said I was good for her and that I was the nicest guy she had ever known. I treated her with respect, I didn’t cause relationship drama, and I cared for her and gave her my all. I think she may be someone that thrives on some turmoil. She said she was always the giver in her past relationships, having to deal with her partners’ issues and problems. I didn’t have any of that. In our case, I was the giver, which I’ve always been. When she ended it, she said I was always giving and she was constantly taking and now has nothing to give… Either way… she is gone. I still miss her so much. Still trying to fight the tears. Still feeling broken.
  21. Just another quick thought for today that I'd like feedback on. Is it bad or wrong to text my ex at some point this week to just say something like: Hi. Sorry to bother you. I hope you are doing ok. I just want you to know that if you ever want to talk, don't hesitate to reach out to me.... I just want her to know that I'm still there for her and for her not to feel guilty about ending it with me. The loss of her father is greater than my loss for her.
  22. Update from this morning. She was not at the gym. Part of me was so relieved and another part wanted to see her. I wouldn't have bothered her but it still would have been nice. Kay - You are so right! I didn't send an email and won't send it. I've written it in my head and that's where it will stay. Plus I'm constantly re-writing it anyways. : ) Yeah, I've read the other posts and know how it ends. Its hard to envision that happening when you are in it and still have all this hope that in no time things will be back to normal.... False hope sucks. Today, so far, has been a weird day. I went in to the office for work (worked from home yesterday b/c the tears wouldn't stop) and when I got in there, I passed a very attractive woman and for a split second thought maybe there is life after my ex. Then when I got to my desk and started talking to my coworker, who I also consider a good friend, the water works came on full force. It's weird how my emotions keep switching back and forth like this. I've also experienced some bitter feeling moments towards my ex as well, which I'm sure is all part of how it goes. I'm trying to repeat in my head "Outcomes are not determined by the situation, they are determined by your reaction to them". Sometimes it works and I remain positive and sometimes not so much. I will be visiting my buddy and his wife tonight. They just had a baby girl. I'm looking forward to that b/c babies always bring happiness and I can sure use some of that right now. I really hope I can get some sleep tonight - This constant headache just doesn't help throughout the day. Tomorrow will be another gym morning with the potential of running in to her. There will be awkwardness I'm sure but I kinda want it to happen just to get that initial shock over with and not have to worry about it happening for the first time every morning. I can't wait for her to see me. I've already lost a couple of pounds I gained while I was with her and now I'm starting to trim down and look goooood.... it helps when you can't eat and when you do, food has no taste. LOL
  23. Well here I am... 2:27 am... My sleep is done for the night as thoughts of her have flooded my mind. There is no way I will be able to clear my head of her and get a few more hours of sleep... So I will lay here, trying not to think about her and slowly, painfully wait for my alarm to go off... I will head to the gym this morning... I hope she doesnt go. I want to email her at some point today and tell her all the things i miss about her... Like her snoring which always drove me crazy, the sound of her slippers shuffling across the floor, the cute way she talked to me at times, her scent.... I could go on and on... I know that would most likely push her away further but if there really isnt any shot of getting her back then why would it matter???? I always said to her that if I never told her how I felt then she would never know. Really, why should this time be any different? Does it make me look weak by saying I miss her? Its not like I expect her to respond and would even tell her she didnt need to. Ugh... This is going to be a long and painful road ahead...
  24. Again, thank you for your wisdom. I've begun reading other posts in this forum and I'm shocked to see how many people have experienced what I am going thru right now. As I mentioned, It's helpful to know that I'm not alone even if the pain is still so overwhelming. If, in fact, I fall in to the majority of those who've lost their significant others forever, I hope that I will be able to find love again. Even though I can honestly say I don't see that happening any time in the near future. It is so mind boggling to me as to why grief would cause the death of love. But what do I do now because I'm bound to run in to my ex at the gym.... I want to give her space and not contact her even though I'm dying inside.... But I'm afraid now by her seeing me she won't realize what she has lost, not that I should expect anything to change (still trying to accept that). I can't change my workout time due to my work schedule and I don't feel its fair to me to stop going when it's a big part of my life just to avoid contact with her. Any advice???? Kay, I also know you mentioned that I should not worry about the other guy but I know that she will, at some point sooner than later, get involved with other sexual partners with no strings attached, if only to fill a void temporarily while getting thru her grief. And I only bring this up b/c she told me she did this when grieving over her divorce so I'm assuming it will happen during this period too. This definitely adds to my pain. I know I can't do anything about this since we are broken up but it also weighs heavily on my conscious especially since I'm still in love with her.
  25. Thank you both for your input!! I really appreciate it. It's only been a day since I lost the love of my life and the number of different emotions I've experienced has been insane.... I want her back so bad. Just typing this brings tears to my eyes... I would take her back in a heartbeat.... Wow, I've never felt so vulnerable.... So exposed.... She was so quick to let me go.... and there was no emotion.... like the past 4 months didn't even exist to her. I keep replaying last night's events in my head. What I should have said differently? or what I didn't get a chance to say..... not that it would have made a difference. I know I need to stop this madness but right now it's just so hard to overcome. So, there really is no chance of getting back what we once had????? That is the hardest part to swallow..... The selfish part of me is mad at her father for leaving... I know that is wrong but I can't help it. I hope to have future posts that will be more uplifting... but right now, there is no light shining thru the dark clouds above me. At age 40, I've never experienced such pain over a relationship breakup. And losing my love over the death of a parent I just don't understand.... I've been trying to wrap my head around it..... At least if it was something I did, I can make changes to improve myself for the better. I admire both of you for being able to move on.
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