I lost my husband of 9 years dec. 30,2012. I was 28 and he was 32. We have 3 kids together. Two boys who were 7&5 and a girl who was 8 months. He died suddenly one day. No warnings. He was my only family really. He was my husband and best friend. He was the one who was there. Not my family. I think I was numb for way too long. I still fed the kids, kept them in sports took care if the baby. But I found no use for myself as a human being.
Within the first 9 months, I lost him, I lost my job because I couldn't handle the stares and whispers and I was isolated in the town because his job was why we were there. I lost my home cause I couldn't afford it alone. I moved to be closer to siblings. They offered to help but quickly became overloaded trying to help a grieving mom with 3 young kids.
Dealing with my sons grief has been debilitating in itself and often leaves me feeling like I'm horrible. I said once "nothing prepared me to be a father so italways feels like I'm failing as a mother".
I hurt so bad and people just tell me to move on. Take steps. Try something. I'm literally exhausted. When I have time I just want to lay down and have quiet or the comfort I've found.
I was staring at the Christmas tree yesterday and my breathing quickened. I felt sick. I realized it's because when I was trying CPR our Christmas tree branches kept poking my face. I try to keep up with the holidays. I still laugh sometimes. I still cry sometimes.
I just really feel alone. Today I had someone say. You act like you're the only person who's had a husband die. Gaw!! It hurts.
