Rayon

Ann, I am so sorry for your loss. I know it must be very difficult. Your situation sounds almost identical to mine. My father died almost 4 months ago, and we also had a strained relationship at times, and I struggle with guilt about that every day. All that comforts me is the thought that whatever pain and suffering he went through in life is now gone, and he is now in a safer place.

LA Girl, I'm so sorry for your loss. My dad died on his birthday this August. When he died I was devasted, and cried non-stop for 3 days straight. I was also full of guilt. I felt guilty because we didn't always have a good relationship, and at times I said some pretty mean things to him. But during the last few months of his life, we finally started to talk and became closer. He felt sick one day and we took him to the hospital and he died 3 weeks later!!! The doctor said he had advanced colon cancer & advanced liver/kidney disease that he never told anyone about. It was so shocking and unexpected. I tried to protect him from knowing that he was dying on his deathbed, so I didn't tell him good-bye either. I pretended everything was fine when he was dying. I held his hand and held back tears. I didn't tell him many things like thank you or "I Love You", cause it was something we never did in my family. Now I wish I had poured my heart out and told him that although our relationship was not perfect, he was still my father and I loved him. This site is great. As soon as I posted, I got great responses from people like Shell, STARKISS, and others. Now as I near the 3 month mark, the shock has worn off. I still think about my dad a lot and when I visit his grave I write notes and ask him to forgive me. Little by little I am getting back "to normal". But our dads will always live in our hearts. Keep coming back...it sure has helped me.

Hi Chrystal, I know how it is when people laugh and keep the conversation light and fun around you. Two weeks after my dad died, my husband and I went to visit some friends and they were all talking, drinking and laughing and no one asked about my dad. It just irritated the heck out of me!! These people all have both their parents alive and actually live rose-colored lives and just talked about their material possessions without a care in the world. And all I wanted to do was cry and talk about my dear dad who died too soon. He went into the hospital with a stomach pain, and three weeks later he was dead. I miss him soo much. Lorikelly, I have actually thought how if I live to be 80, I would never see my dad again for almost 50 years!! Until I see him again in heaven. My dad who was 79 when he died still cried over his dear dad who had died 40 years earlier, so I don't think you really get over a parents death....it just gets easier with time I heard. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but people who have gone through this and multiple family deaths tell me it's not as painful with time.

Chrystal, I'm so sorry about your dad. My dad died Aug. 21, 2006 on his birthday. Since he died I also replayed things he said and did days before he died. I also feel horribly guilty that I wasn't kinder to him when he was alive. I feel guilty that I didn't tell him that I loved him before he died, cause I didn't want him to know he was dying. The day before he died he held my mom's hand in a panic state and and I saw terrible fear in his eyes, but he couldn't speak anymore. What was he thinking?? Was he afraid of dyng?? I don't know. I also keep reliving that in my head. I also cried a lot when he died for hours at a time. But you know that's normal. You need to cry, and you need to grieve. We only get one father. Also come back here and write your thoughts...believe me we all care.

Hi Lorikelly, I know how you feel about feeling lost and without purpose in life. I feel so sad, depressed, lonely, you name it without my dad. It's a huge void that was left when he died. And I also have a husband and lots of friends who always get together for gatherings and parties.....but instead of bringing me joy it just irks me that their all laughing, dancing, drinking, eating like if life is all sunshine and roses, and nobody remembers my father. Just hang in there and be strong, there's a lot of good books that I've been reading about grief and healing, and of course this site helps too.

Lorikelly, I understand your feelings of being overwhelmed, sometimes I want to pull my hair in frustration over things I should have told my dad, like "I love you dad", but I didn't. Now I'll never get that chance again. But we're all here for each other. Most of us are feeling the same raw pain and a void that can't be filled. And I'm so sorry about your mom. Thank you daddyslilgirl, You sure are a great listener. And yes I know how some friends can be at wanting you to "be strong and move on". And yes, I also wish I had my dad here to nag me too. I feel guilty because I used to get so irritated with him at times, I'll admit I had my faults, and wasn't the greatest of daughters when I was younger. But unfortunately sometimes we think we're going to have our parent's forever, and don't always appreciate them until their gone. I'll be back later...I gotta go cry now.

MartyT, Thank you very much for your valuable advice and earlier posts. Anything helps at his moment. Starkiss, Thank you for taking the time to respond to me. I will certainly e-mail you.

Does Anybody Else Feel Guilt, Anger, Resentment Towards Parent's Dying? Do you feel guilty about bad things you said to your father/mother before they died? Or things you should have said? Do you feel anger at other family members for not having treated your loved one right when they were alive?? Do you feel resentment when you see other people happily with both their parents? My dad died almost 2 months ago & I feel all of the above.....and I don't know if that's right.

Hi Whitoney, I'm so sorry for your loss. We are all here to support each other, since we're all dealing with losses of our beloved parent's. My dad almost a month ago on his birthday. I really was in shock at first, it was just so sudden. Then I cried like crazy for two weeks, then I was o.k. for a few days, now I'm missing him like crazy and my stomach aches for him. I want to dream about him so bad, or hear his voice again. My mother just like your father is also having a tough time dealing with it, but she keeps herself extremely busy and only has time to think about him at night. I have read many books on grieving, and most say that it's o.k. to cry a lot, because that's a way of healing, although honestly we really never get over the loss of a loved one. We just learn to live with it day by day, until we see them again one day.

I'm sorry about the loss of your husband. Yes I know how infuriating it is when you're grieving and people are insensitive or try to take advantage. My dad died three weeks ago, and although different than your situation, some people were downright rude and mean to me at work when he was dying. Especially my boss, and yes sometimes I hate him too. And as awful as it sounds, sometimes I wish one of his family members would get terminally ill, so he can know what it feels like to have a dying family member while people are kicking you, your emotions, your feelings, while your heart is ripping to pieces. Yes, I will pray for you because I know the feeling, but I also know that life beautiful and precious, and I don't think our loved ones would want to see us so unhappy. As repetitive as it sounds, I think your husband and my dad really ARE in a more wonderful place, and watching over us, and would want only the best for us here on earth. Please be strong.

Leann, I'm so sorry your loss. I'll be praying for you.

Hi Kitkat, I'm sorry for your loss. My dad died on August 21st. Sometimes I'm o.k., then it also hits me in my face that dad is gone forever! Like Shell said, crying helps alot. Right after work, I lock myself in the bathroom at home think about my dad, and cry, cry, cry until my head hurts. I know it might sound crazy, but the next day I feel better. And since there was a lot of unresolved issues between us, it's also mixed with guilt. I know we'll never stop thinking about our parent's, but I'm praying that within months or years, the immense pain will become less.

Hi Shelley, I guess a lot of us have the same problem with insensitive bosses. My dad died of cancer three weeks ago, and when I told my boss that I wanted a week off to be off with my dying dad, he got all loud in front of people and showing me up saying he needed a doctor's excuse, and proof of illness!!! No sympathy or "I'm sorry to hear that"....nothing! Yet when his own brother had a car accident last year he took off work two months with no problem to take care of him. Also there's a cute, young girl that he flirts with, that he always gives time off whenever her friends, dog, or family are merely sick with the flu. He's such a jerk, I feel nothing but disgust for him now that I see him. But yeah, what goes around comes around, and if one of his family members ever gets a terminal illness, I hope he remembers how he treated others.

Penny, It must be very difficult for you, especially the way your mother died. I am so sorry. I know about co-workers....bottom-line they just want the work done, since it's not their parent's who died. I took two weeks off from works, for that exact reason, that they would want me back to normal doing my job duties, when at this moment all I want to do is cry. But I hope you get answers to your mom's death soon. Even though there is such thing as karma, and justice after death, I also would hope to see justice done here on earth for people who commit terrible crimes.

Penny, I understand about how hubby's can be insensitive. I lost my father two weeks ago, and my husband sometimes acts like it happened years ago, and I should be over it. He has a very large group of very successful friends who have parties every weekend, so imagine having to go to these parties, and have them talk about their "perfect" families, big homes and cars, and "perfect" children and beautiful blonde, blue-eyed grandchildren. And never asking about my father. My husband has both his parent's even though his father drinks and smokes heavily, and unlike my dad, his father has never been a good father. I feel more comfortable talking to people who have gone through loss, and are still grieving, and luckily I found this site.

First of all I am really sorry for your loss. And no you're not crazy. I've been reading a book called "Final Gifts", that says that our loved ones sometimes try to tell us something through our dreams. I'm not sure what though. I think it's great that you still feel your grandmother hugging you. You feel her presence and that's wonderful. I know it's really hard for you and all of us who have lost a family member who we loved.

Hi Magdalyn, I lost my father on his birthday almost two weeks ago. I didn't get along too well with him most of my life until the last few months of his life. I also cried the first few days that he died, then I went numb and tried not to think about him. Now I am crying like crazy again. I am left with shame and guilt and sadness of what should have been between us, but wasn't. I'm also very tired, and just want to sleep all the time, and I go between not being hungry at all to eating and slurging on food all the time. My weight is just going up and down. But I've been reading a couple of books and they seem to agree that my behavior (and yours) is normal during grief and just takes time. Weeks, months, even years.

Hi Lori, I don't think you're crazy wanting to hear from your mom so bad that you're thinking of going to a medium. I've known a couple of people who have gone to mediums like Sylvia Browne to hear from their deceased loved ones. I was talking to my mom today about how it would be nice to hear my dad's voice once again. She said "no way"! And would like my dad just rest in peace. I just want to let my dad know that I did love him even if I never told him, and to know that he's forgiven me. But I probably wouldn't go to a medium myself. I'll probably ask God to tell him for me. I'm also sorry about your dog Spanky. I have a dog Brownie, who I love and is very loyal and loving. But if medication works for you, then by all means take it. Right now I just cry like crazy, talk to friends, and pray. So far, it's gotten me through although it's only been 2 weeks since dad died. I also try to stay very busy and exercise. I know it's not easy for any of us. But keep coming back here and vent all you want...we're all here for each other.

Thanks Shell, I just read it, and it's right on the money. Also crying a lot helps a little. Yesterday, I remembered something really cruel I said to my dad a year ago, and I cried and cried for like 1 hour, my husband thought I was having a nervous breakdown, but I felt better later on.

Shelley, As always thank you for your kind words. Love, Rayon. Amanda, It's been a week since my dad died and it seems like some people want me to "just get over it". I went to dinner with my husband and a group of his friends, and they were all laughing and talking about everything but my dad. Except for a few condolences, it was life as usual for them. I know it's not their dad, but it just bugged me, that no one asked much about my dad. Love, Rayon.

Hi Adora, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad to cancer last week, August 21st, which was his birthday. It it still too new and raw inside of me to give you any sound advice. But just to let you know that you found a great site with people who know just what you're going through. I am so lucky to have found this site, I was ready to go to therapy for counseling (which I still might). But this site has helped also tremendously.

Yes Amanda, We seem to think that our parent's are going to live forever, and sometimes we take them for granted. I am about your age, but I feel as lost as a 6- year old without my father. But you're right, they live in our hearts and minds.

Lorikelly, The guilt is definitely eating me from the inside out. I am trying to work on it, although I'm hoping it will get better in time. My father also lost the ability to speak, and I want to believe he did hear me when I told him I loved him the day he died. Love, Rayon Leann, I'm also sorry for your loss. I'm sure you'll remember your father every Father's Day, just like I will remember my father on his birthday. Well every day, but especially on those days. I also tell my father I love him, especially at night when I go to sleep, and it does bring a little bit of comfort. Thank you for your kind words. Love, Rayon Hi Shell, Yes parent's can sometimes push your buttons also. Unfortunately sometimes we think they're going to live forever. Thank you for your kinds words, they were very helpful Love, Rayon Jester, When my father first died there were no words of comfort. It actually got on my nerves when people said he was "in a better place". I thought that no one actually knew that for sure. But as the days go by and I speak to my pastor, I am beginning to believe like you that my father does know how I feel and the great remorse & guilt that I feel for not treating him better when he was alive. I do believe he is looking at things from another angle. Sometimes I doubt, but it brings me comfort, especially speaking to people who have gone through what we're going through. Thank you. Love, Rayon

Derek, From your signature I can see that you believe in God. I too lost a special person (my father) 5 days ago, and I feel so empty, sad, lonely, guilty, angry all rolled into one. I know all these feelings are normal, as are perhaps yours. We all grieve differently. Just keep praying, and ask God for peace and comfort which I know will happen but will take time. May God be with you.

Kathy, Thank you for your kind words and I'm also sorry for your loss. I too feel lucky to have found this site today with people like us who know the raw pain of losing someone special whether it happened today or years ago. (also crying). My father also tried to put up a good front and kept saying he was not in pain, although his eyes said something else. But I did hold his hand the day he died and told him I loved him (although I don't know if he could hear me anymore). The pain of losing a parent is knowing that no one will ever love you unconditionally like they did or put up with our crap. I have a great husband now who loves me, but it's just not the same.