jame57

Hello again, It's been a while since I last posted or logged in but I have been reading posts. It's nearing the 2-year mark for me and things are still rough but that's how things are. The very rough times don't scare me as much and I have sone better days. I've been diagnosed as having developed a General Anxiety Disorder and have been referred to a specialist. I seem to worry about everything and sometimes dread coming home from work unless something has happened with the cats or the house etc. My work is suffering as my mind wanders to worry about things. This morning I awoke to instantly worry that I saw one cat drinking water and my catastrophic thinking thought "oh no, she's dehydrated" which having relaxed I know to be an over-reaction. That's just one example. I was told of a change at work the other day and instantly thought "my job's on the line" when I know it's not. I just cannot relax and rationalise but wake up worrying about what I'm going to worry about. I'd had enough so saw the doctor who was very understanding and assured me it's all part of my grieving and that I'm alone for the firat time in my life. Has anxiety affected any of you to such a level that it makes everyday still so filled with worry and fear 2 years on? Sorry to ramble on.

Thank you so much for your kind words. There are times when the sorrow is so awful and loneliness is all around. But there are easier times too. Whoever said grief comes in waves was spot-on. I've read your thread and have offered some thoughts. It's good you've joined this forum....such a friendly group of loving people

I am so sorry that you've experienced such losses then to have this happen. As you know I was the main carer for my dear mum and when she passed away I just didn't know who I was or whether I would ever cope with life. I sure have rough patches and am in one now but it is different. It sounds to me that your ex is in shock and denial (but I'm no expert) and is understandably clinging on in an effort to feel close to his mum. When my mum died I experienced a desire to cut myself off from certain people, activities and places and concentrate on my grief and loss. Please don't think I'm saying what he's doing is in any way "right" ( it must be hell for you) but that what I've come to realise is that grief can make you act out of character (albeit temporarily). He needs to see a counsellor but if he won't communicate I'm not sure how you can get that across to him. Do you have any mutual friends near to where Mike lives?

I couldn't agree more. Living with mum I lived my life around her and the stream of carers but I'd do it all again in an instant if it meant I could have her back. That would only be selfish of me though as mum was in pain and distress much of the time but she rarely complained. I would give up everything to be able to wind the clock back to when she and dad were healthy and active.

That's true. Just one day can seem an eternity at times.

Thanks both of you. We've just got to be kind to ourselves.....easier said than done I know. Just hate it a times but then think of mum and what she'd tell me. 2 months is no time at all mom's angel. It is bound to be raw and my heart goes out to you.

I thought I'd update you on where I am today in my grief journey. The prospect of Christmas and New Year was a scary one for this second holiday season without mum. It wasn't as bad as last year and I had a few lighter days when I didn't feel so sad and anxious. I've been enjoying some of my hobbies which is a good sign as for so long I couldn't get interested. Going back to work after the Christmas break was a drag (as it is for most people) but it felt to me as though I thought "that's Christmas gone....now what?" I still feel down and blue but there are more lighter moments but also darker onrs too when the sense of loss and loneliness decends once again. I now fully appreciate what I was told earlier on in my journey.....that grief never ends but we get used to it, we learn to cope with it and walk alongside it for the rest of our lives until we're reunited with our loved ones again (oh what joy that day will bring). I know mum and dad want me to be ok but ever so slowly I'm beginning to see that this new normal is what I am left with and it's up to me to show them I can do it. It's still hell at times and fresh waves come along to knock me over. At times I feel guilty still for feeling ok when I do but slowly I'm starting to realise that's how it should be and it's what they want.

Mom's Angel, I'm certainly no expert on such things but whether it was a dream or not, I feel sure it was your mum making contact. Don't be scared, she just wants you to know she's with you and watching over you. Oh how I wish that this would happen to me!

So very true.

Beautiful. Thank you for posting it.

Thank you all for your kind replies. Yesterday was rather overwhelming and had one of those "how much more can I take" days. The only answer is to take it one day at a time. Bless you all.

Thank you for posting that Butterfly. Very comforting.

I came home tonight and saw this thread for the first time. I logged on to post exactly the same feelings as mom's angel. It's bad enough with Christmas approaching and I've saved shortcuts to many posts and articles on holiday grief but a new health condition is causing me pain and worry. Facing it on my own I feel like a child as I so wish I could talk about it with mum. So much bad stuff has happened lately and it's ovetwhelming me but reading your posts does reassure it's ok and to be kinder to myself. The last line of mom's angel's post sums it all up, the simple painful truth. I wish you all peace. (((((((Hugs)))))))

Thank you. Christmas just makes me sad too and this will be the second one without mum and now Tilly's gone too. I've got her ashes back in a wooden urn in the shape of a sleeping cat. The vets did a lovely paw print in plaster and put it in a frame for me. She's free from pain and discomfort and with mum and dad now. Bless her.

Thank you Kayc, It was a very sad day indeed and so was yesterday. Sometimes I think I'm not coping but I know I am really. It's grief and it's hard going on without those we love so much. I'd give anything to give her a hug and tell her I love her but then I like to think she can hear me still.

It's my dear mum's second birthday in heaven today and I feel like I'm drowning in sorrow. I'll take some flowers to her grave and talk to her but oh how I wish she was still here. I love you mum and miss you so very much. Please be with me mum my guardian angel xxxx.

Todd, So sorry for your loss. Losing our moms is devastating and it will take you a long time to process all your emotions. On my journey I've learnt that guilt is normal yet is so awful to experience. It's simply not your fault and she passed away on a family outing enjoying herself with those she loved. It took me months to work through my guilt.....and it still surfaces at times. The wonderful people on this forum have been incredibly helpful. Wishing you peace. Take care.

This morning I had a look around the garden before leaving for work. In the greenhouse I was amazed to find a fox curled up fast asleep in an upturned box. It woke up but didn't run. Being an animal lover I left a bowl of cat food for it and left for work. On returning home I went to have a look and it had eaten the food and was led across the floor. I got closer and was upset to see it had just died. Yes I'm upset of course but at least it went peacefully and having had a last meal. It just brings home that death is all around us and I find that hard. I must be too soft.

Bless you Kayc. She was so beautiful and so nice natured. Losing her after losing mum is so cruel but I know she's with mum now and getting plenty of tlc. I look forward to the day we're all reunited but like to think she's still with me in spirit. It's so awful to read of your losses and my heart goes out to you. You're an inspiration how you cope with so many losses.

Here is a picture of Tilly taken a couple of years ago. One week ago and it still doesn't seem real that she's passed away. I love her so much, this is awful.

Thank you so much for your lovely messages. I count myself so lucky that she came into my life 14 years ago from a rescue centre after being found under parked cars beside a busy main road. She was 3 then and had been mistreated at some stage as she was very timid and wary of people. She soon settled in and was treated like royalty. She was with me through good times and bad, always happy to see me when I came home from work. Apparently she knew the sound of my car pulling onto the gravel drive and would run through the house to greet me. That's how I'll remember my little angel, my companion for life.❤

This evening I had to let my lovely companion cat, Tilly pass over at the vets and I'm heartbroken. She was a link with my mum who passed away in June 2014 and who's loss I'm still struggling with as well as a link to my father who passed away 14 years ago. She has been with me through the rough and the smooth, always giving unconditional love and asking nothing in return except for food, water, a comfy bed and lots of love and she certainly got that! On the thread about losing my mum I'd mentioned that Till was diagnosed with kidney failure back in March of this year. The vet gave her a maximum of 18 months but she was short-changed with only 7. We fought all the way through with various types of renal diet, many, many visits to the vet. Numerous types of drugs and more recently, giving her subcutaneous fluids at home every other day. Not to mention the trials of getting her to take her pills. With my anxiety, coming home from work was awful as I always worried whether she had eaten during the day. But do you know what? I'd do it all again in an instant if I had to. It cost me lots of money but I often went without if she needed food or drugs. My dear brother paid a large vets bill recently for me and doesn't want it back. The problem is it's not really sunk in yet that she's gone and already I'm beginning to blame myself. This is the first companion animal I've lost since mum and dad passed away and they're not here to offer words of advice. My other cat wasn't that close to Tilly but he is already wandering the house looking for her. I'm having her ashes put into a wooden cat urn and they're going to do a paw print in plaster for me to keep. At least when I always promised her that we are companions for life we will be as I'll keep both in the display cabinet. When its my time I'll ask that her ashes are mixed with mine for burial. I was with her as she went, giving her lots of strokes and kisses and telling her I love her. It was so hard but there's no way I wouldn't want to be the last thing she saw or heard. I've lost cats before but she was something extra special. If you like I'll post a small photo but it's not something I can cope with tonight. Rest in peace now with mum and dad xxxx

I still find it difficult to talk about mum without feeling teary. She was such a part of my life and always will be just as your mum will always be part of yours.

Stacey, When I lost mum I hurt so much I thought that no one had ever felt like I did and could not believe I could last a week let alone a year. It's your grief, you own it and it's scary. Take it one day at a time and take things easy and take care of yourself as ipraisehim wisely advises. It's not mean to not be interested in people's trivialities and small talk. You're hurt is the focus of your attention and you're perfectly normal. You mention you didn't cry when you spoke to your dad. It's fine to cry when you need to and whilst you were being strong for your dad never be ashamed to cry. If it makes friends or colleagues uncomfortable that's their problem. Of course, it's fine not to cry.....grieve your own unique way in your own time frame. Wishing you peace.

Heartfelt condolences on the loss of your mum. I lost mine last year and it's still so painful. What you're experiencing is excrutiating and at the same time, normal. You wonder how life can be so unfair and that somehow the world carries on all around you. Others around you just don't get your pain and say all sorts of things they think are helpful but simply make you feel worse. Keep posting on this wonderful forum, read previous posts and you'll know you're not alone (not that that makes you feel easier) and we understand.