Mommy1201

Dear cee, Please don't keep your moans of grief inside. You need to let it out or you risk making your grief "journey" much more difficult in the long run. I speak from experience. My husband died of a heart attack on August 8, 2014. (He was only 50, so this was quite unexpected) At the same time, I was the sole caregiver for my brother who was dying from cancer. Plus I have two young children. So when my sweetie died, I felt that the only way I could continue caring for my family was if I locked my grief inside. Unfortunately, after my brother died, I had become so accustomed to keeping my grief locked up, that I continued doing it. Now here I am facing the 6 month mark since my dear husband died and I am a mess. As I have discovered, it is extremely difficult to change the way I am dealing with the pain. And let's face it, dealing with the loss of our husbands is gut wrenching, heart breaking....we don't need to make it even more difficult. Please allow yourself to grieve, don't keep it in. God bless Lisa

Lonelywithouthusband I am thinking of you during this difficult day for you. And I know "difficult" doesn't even come close to describing it. We all know of the gut wrenching pain. ((((Hugs)))) Lisa

The bereavement counselor is coming over next Wednesday. I feel good about that, which kind of surprises me. I had a good visit with my pastor and his wife. Talked about a lot of things. Even talked about how I've avoided dealing with my grief. And about how difficult February is going to be for me. My pastor did some research and ordered a couple of books for me hoping they might help me on this incredibly difficult journey. I did ask if there were very many families in our church with absent fathers, whether due to death or otherwise. Since I'm still new to the church, I didn't know. The only other family that does has teenagers. I mentioned how helpful it would be if there were some sort of mentoring program for the kids. How my son needs some guy time. He said there is a young man in our church who would be perfect for that as he works with at risk kids. He apparently grew up without his father in his life and is trying to make his life work be about helping children who are in the same situation. They are going to talk with him about it. At bedtime, after my daughter said her prayers, we talked about daddy for awhile (my son had fallen asleep already). And we talked about the state park daddy had taken them to a few times on their daddy days out. I asked her if she'd like to go back there soon. Told her I probably wouldn't be able to find the exact spots that daddy had taken them to. She said that's okay mommy. Then my precious little girl said we should go on daddy's birthday, that daddy would like that. How blessed am I, to have such sweet, loving children! Thanks for letting me ramble here. Lisa

A couple good things today I finally fixed one of two garage door opener clickers. Tomorrow I will set up the built in garage door opener button in the van I bought back in November. I have been putting it off, and wouldn't you know it, you need a working clicker in order to set it up. My son, CJ, told me the other day that a girl in his class told him that her mom said she can't play with him. Since my children are multi-racial, I was afraid that was the reason. We live in a very small town, predominantly white, some Hispanic, and maybe half a dozen African American. Just over 8 yrs ago, when our social worker from the adoption agency called to tell my love and I that a birth mom had picked us we were ecstatic! The social worker said "there's a couple problems though". She was concerned that we wouldn't be interested because he's multi-racial, was a "crack baby", was exhibiting withdrawal symptoms, and was in the nicu due to apnea problems. To us these weren't problems. Right away we knew in our hearts that we were meant to be his parents! The only concern we ever had was how we (a white couple) were going to help him deal with the cruelties of the world as he got older. But we knew that together we could do it. Fast forward to today.... I Was so stressed and worried about why this young girl was told not to play with my son. Was even starting to panic...how on earth am I going to navigate through this alone?!? Then I remembered that one of my "mentors" at church lives across the street from this girl's family. So at church today I discussed this with her and asked if she thought it was racially motivated. She told me "oh, no honey. The girl's mom is middle eastern and her dad is African American." PHEW! Worried over nothing, this time. I know the day will come when we'll have to deal with racism, but not today. And for that I am SO grateful!! Another good thing and I can count this one every day. My children! They are amazing! They are very well behaved and so thoughtful. I could go on, but won't. The BEST thing about them? They are very lovey dovey! I've told them lots of times that they make my heart happy. ❤️ Oh, another beautiful thing about our family. My daughter, Carina, is CJ's biological sister! I'm truly blessed, to be their mom. Lisa

Such a wonderful thread! My positive thing for yesterday, took my kids out and about. Went to the McDonald's play place, so they could play for a while. Then off to eye doctor to get my son's glasses fixed. Then a produce run at grocery store. Good day!

Thank you all for the kind words and support. You have given me a lot to think about, and I've been thinking about it all day. Marty, thank you for the articles, I read them all. Just before starting this post, I sent the bereavement counselor from hospice an email (didn't trust myself to not change my mind if I waited till Monday to call her). I asked her to come out not this coming week but the following week. This week I will be busy getting ready for my daughter's birthday next Saturday, plus she's having a party that day. I have yet to do anything in preparation for it. Shortly after my loving husband died, kids and I started going to a local church. Since then, I have met with my pastor and his wife several times. We haven't talked specifically about my grief. I've kept the conversations more about peripheral issues. The biggest of which is of course raising two children alone....so I called him a little while ago and set up a meeting for Monday afternoon. I want to talk with him about trying to start some sort of mentoring program for children who don't have a father actively involved in their life, whether it's due to death or an absentee father. I'm sure I will keep the conversation away from my grief, as usual. But at least I'm going. So, thank you for the advice and the gentle push to do what I knew I needed to do, but was too scared. Lisa

Thank you all. Someday I'd like to share about the love story of my husband and I...could not do it in this post, TOO PAINFUL. Plus it was TOO long of a post as it is...lol

In order to understand why I "had" to lock it up, I need to share my story. My apologies for the length of this post, as I'm sure it will be rather long. But first, a little background. I am a stay at home mom of two wonderful children, 6 & 7. My amazing husband, Jon, worked hard to support us. He worked at a concrete redi mix company as a truck driver/mechanic. The spring and summer were always crazy busy for him. It was when we would usually save up money to help get through the slower seasons. My nightmare actually began with my brother, Mike. Last January, he lost his job and then his car. Then in April he began having acute stomach pains and was hospitalized several times while doctors tried to figure it out. Towards the end of May, he was diagnosed with duodenal cancer. My sweet husband, Jon, and I decided I should go with him to meet with the oncologist. The night before Mike's first appt, Jon and I decided Mike should come to live with us. Since Mike was single, we didn't want him to go through this alone. We were also concerned about his living situation because of his job loss. We didn't know it, but it turned out Mike had been sleeping at a shelter for a couple weeks before he came to our home. The first appt was on May 27. The doctor made it seem like no big deal. Just needed surgery and poss chemo. We were so filled with hope! So I went to work finding an excellent surgeon. And I went to work finding a day camp that allowed me to bring my two cuties in on an as needed basis, instead of requiring a week at a time. Met with surgeon on June 4. He said he needed further tests before he could give an accurate opinion on treatment and prognosis. Met with the dr again on June 14....stage IV. The only options they could offer related to quality vs quantity of life. When we pushed the dr for a rough idea on how much time, he would only say from 6 months to 6 years! Talk about a wide range! Said this type of cancer typically advanced kind of slow and Mike was young (turned 40 August 12) and in relatively good health otherwise. Based on all that, he hoped Mike would have a shot at the longer edge of the range. Mike chose quantity, wanting as much time as possible with family, especially his son, Jake, who was 11 at the time. I then took Mike to his ex's house where he had to tell Jake. Being a part of that conversation was the most difficult thing I could ever be involved with. Or so I thought at the time. I was SO wrong. The MOST difficult thing was to come (more on that in a bit). The first part of the plan was to put a stent in his duodenum where the tumor was so that Mike could eat very small amounts without the tumor blocking the exit out of the stomach. That was to be scheduled for about a week and a half later. The personal plan was to have Jake spend as much of the summer with Mike at our home. God had a different plan. Mike's condition deteriorated very quickly. He suffered a couple of huge setbacks that left him very weak. By mid July, the dr said there was nothing more they could do, he wasn't regaini his strength and was too weak to handle anything else. During all of this, my sweet husband was absolutely amazing! When he'd get home from work, he'd be absolutely beat. He left for work around 4am and we'd be lucky if he was home by 7pm (almost 3 hours total commute since we live in a rural area). No matter how tired he was, he made sure he spent at least a few minutes talking with Jake before getting quality time with our cuties. He was so amazing that he didn't bat an eye about how much this was costing us financially because Mike had no income. Since we live so far out, it was 2+ hours to get to the hospital and doctor. And gas wasn't cheap over the summer. Add to that the numerous days at day camp. Yikes! But my amazing husband and I have always said family takes care of family. No matter how difficult it is! On the afternoon of July 27, Mike and I decided it was time to bring in hospice. I couldn't manage his pain anymore with what the dr was able to prescribe. So the angels from hospice came the next morning with all sorts of meds. AND THEN....oh dear lord...and then the unthinkable happened! On August 8, at 1pm, I received a call from a Winfield police officer. My dear, sweet, amazing husband, the love of my life had been in an accident in his work truck. I freaked out, of course, but at the same time, I figured it couldn't possibly be too serious. He was in a great big cement mixer after all. Surely that prevented him from sustaining life threatening injuries. And then I called the ER he'd be transported to. Critical condition! I had to get there ASAP. So I set my kids up with a DVD and left them with Mike. He couldn't take care of himself by then, but I knew I could get my brother in law's wife to drop whatever she was doing and come over. I knew they would be more than okay for the half hour it would take for her to get there. Risky, I know, but my cuties are very well behaved. They were still glued to the tv when she got there! God watched over me on the way to the hospital. On the way there I called and told my sister in law, having called my brother in law before I left. Unfortunately, along the way I came upon the accident site. Had to pull over among the emergency vehicles because I broke down sobbing uncontrollably. The officer that called came over and urged me to go to the hospital right away. By then I knew in my head that the worst had happened because I knew my brother in law had already made it there and he hadn't called with info. My heart didn't accept it though, still insisted he'd be ok. He wasn't though. He had a massive heart attack. By the grace of God, he didn't hit any vehicles when he crossed oncoming traffic when he went off the road. And it was a BUSY 4 lane road. The first responders called him a hero. Witnesses said when his truck came to a stop between two trees, he stumbled out of the truck and collapsed. Despite the attempts of the paramedics and ER staff, they were unable to restart his heart. The love of my life was gone. Hours later, when I got home, I had to do the most difficult thing...tell our beautiful children that daddy was dead. So you see, I couldn't let myself grieve. I could only allow myself to barely touch the surface of my grief. I had to help my children and get them to the point where they were able to start school 11 days later. and I was still my brother's caregiver. There was no one else to help. The "local" hospice (which was based 45 minutes away) was not a large enough organization to provide hours of care (thankfully, that changed right at the end). Don't get me wrong though, they were incredible. As soon as they found out, they enveloped my children and I in their care. They truly are angels. His regular nurse was my lifeline! The bereavement counselor, chaplain, music therapist, and social worker came out to check on me and help my children. My children have handled daddy's death amazingly well. But then, they've already dealt with loss since both my parents and Jon's dad had died over the last couple years. So they already understood the concept of death. Towards the very end, he literally required 24 hour care. After a couple days of almost no sleep, I cried out to his nurse, needing help. I was able to get hospice to agree to send a nurse at night so I could get a few hours sleep. A few days later, we had to admit him to the hospital because he couldn't swallow his liquid meds and his pain was out of control. And of course he became lucid enough long enough when the paramedics were there to take him (he hadn't been lucid for at least a week). Literally broke my heart to hear him cry out to me "why? You promised I could stay until I died!" He died 5 days later, September 24, with me, Jake, his ex, and his hospice nurse at his side. At that time I still couldn't allow myself to really grieve for my husband. I was so overwhelmed. I Was in tremendous pain, but numb at the same time. It was just WAY too much losing them both just 47 days apart! I couldn't even do a memorial service for Mike for awhile (he had donated his body with the condition it was used with research involving duodenal cancer). Finally had his memorial on October 24. I felt so guilty during the service because my copious tears were because I missed my sweet husband So MUCH! So then the holidays were looming. Worked myself into a panic. Feared I'd never make it through them if I allowed myself to really grieve. So kept it locked up. Still locked up, February 8 makes 6 months since my dear husband died, our 11th anniversary is on Valentine's day, his birthday is February 28. How can I ever make it through all of that if I allow myself to fully grieve?! I'm so scared! Afraid I'll fall apart soon, break into a million pieces. I registered for the only grief support group within 45 minutes drive, but it doesn't start til early March. My kids go to monthly group at the hospice. The counselor there is wonderful! She has offered more than once to come here while my kids are at school so she can help me. I'm just too scared I won't make it through February if I give my grief permission to come out! Please, just pray for me. Lisa