Gigi-T

Shari, if you plan on having children someday, then it is especially important not to settle. I am so happy for you that you are so close to graduation. I really admire how you were able to persevere through such difficult circumstances. I am currently reading a book called "Healing the Adult Child's Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas After Your Parent Dies" (Healing Your Grieving Heart series) Kindle Edition by Alan D. Wolfelt PhD (Author). It is very easy to read, maybe a little too simple for some people, but I think the ideas are helpful.

Thank you for the tip, Kay. I have downloaded the book on Amazon and look forward to reading it. Just today my partner said he's going to try harder to learn English and how to use a computer, which is encouraging. In return, I will put more effort into organizing our living space. I've been storing things that belonged to both my parents, my grandmother and my great uncle, and it's overwhelming at times to sort through everything, but we are helping each other.

Shari, I agree with Kay, you are too young and beautiful to settle. I recently settled, because I am no longer young, but that doesn't mean I would ever settle for someone who didn't love or respect me. We haven't married yet. We are taking it one day at a time. I took a huge chance letting a man move in with me after only dating for six weeks. It hasn't been easy living with someone I didn't know that well. We've had our share of arguments, but now we don't argue so much anymore. We are so different -- he's a morning person and I'm a night owl. He likes to be bossy, and I'm not used to being bossed around. He's smart, but not very educated, so there are a lot of things I can't share with him that I shared with my father, but gradually we are starting to appreciate each other's interests and personality. We are facing life's problems together which is a great comfort to me. Before my father died, I never in a million years thought I would end up being with this man but grief makes strange bedfellows. One thing going for us is that I never had a steady boyfriend before, so it's all new to me and there's no one else with whom to compare him. He can never compare with my father, but it was a different kind of relationship. He's been divorced for 15 years, but he doesn't carry a torch for his ex-wife, because she put him through hell. He appreciates me because I'm a lot kinder than she was. I've been away from the forum for a long time, but I've been thinking of you and wish you the best. After my father's death, I was living alone for the first time in my life and felt terribly lonely, until last August when my former gardener started dating me. He showed up on my doorstep one day with the intention of visiting my father. He was very saddened when I told him he had died two days after Christmas in 2014. He said he wanted to pay his respects at the cemetery and offered to take me there. I had just bought some flowers for my dad's home altar, so I said what about right now? That's how it started. He moved in with me so soon, because he needed a place to stay after the property where he was renting was sold to a new owner. He would have had to move far away, because rents are too high here. I enjoyed his company too much to risk losing him. I knew him for a couple of years as my gardener/handyman, and had always liked him, but never felt attracted to him. That changed after we started going out together. He looks great in a tuxedo -- we recently went to my brother's 60th birthday party which was held at a masquerade ball and I honestly thought he was the best looking man there. I guess love does that to a person. He is not the type of man my father would have approved of, but I'm sure he would rather that I have someone to protect me and keep me company. My boyfriend is a badass so I feel safe when he's around, but he is also a compassionate person with a good sense of humor. I was getting hundreds of responses on the dating sites, but it's so much safer to date someone I already know. I ended up dating only one person online who I mentioned in an earlier post, but he wanted to live on a yacht (I didn't). My partner and I have been living together now for six months. He's from Mexico and doesn't speak English that well, but being half Mexican myself, I know Spanish well enough. We are not each other's ideal mate, but we are both lonely and have suffered through grief, so we understand each other. He's not as romantic as I would like him to be, but he shows his love by doing things around the house for me. He's also a great cook, since he used to be a professional chef. Recently, my partner's friend brought over a mechanic to fix his car and truck. From the very start the mechanic was very friendly towards me and tried to woo me away from my boyfriend. At first, I was thrilled by all the things we had in common. He was way more romantic and said the things I've always wanted a man to say to me. He's educated, well read, and speaks English fluently, but I found out soon enough that he's not very honest, so he made me appreciate my partner all the more. And since nothing perks a man's interest more than a rival, my partner also seems to appreciate me more these days. I still miss my dad terribly, but thanks to my partner, I am able to watch movies and tv again without feeling so depressed and anxious. When I was alone, I went for eight months rarely turning on the television, because I missed watching movies with my dad. I am now sleeping better. I'm no longer dependent on any sleep medications. I still cry at times, mostly when I'm alone, but my partner comforts me when he's around. I probably will never be as happy as I was when my father was alive, but I'm no longer as unhappy as I was when I was all alone. i know that many people choose to live alone rather than settle for someone who isn't right for them. That is very wise, but I'm too used to living with someone. I realize that no partner is going to be 100 percent perfect, so I try to appreciate him for what he has to offer, rather than what he doesn't have. If we break up it's going to be very hard to be alone again, but I am in a better place emotionally than I was six months ago, thanks in no small part to him. I think for as long as we need each other, we will be motivated to make it work. We both feel like God put us in each other's path. I remember one night I cried myself to sleep asking God to send someone to ease my loneliness. The following day I got a date from a lawyer on the dating site. He was nice but not the man for me, so a few weeks later I again cried out to God to send me a good friend, and the following day my gardener showed up on my doorstep. He had been in the hospital himself, recovering from an injury, so I hadn't heard from him in almost a year. I am not making this up. I hope you will soon find someone who can appreciate you and help ease the loneliness. If it could happen to me, someone who doesn't get out much, it could happen to anyone. I had to settle for a relatively poor man but money isn't everything. I like the fact that there aren't any golddiggers after him. Best of luck with your studies!

I also feel like my real life finished when my dad died. I will pray for your mother, James. She knows beyond a shadow of a doubt how much you loved her. “Now there is one thing I can tell you: you will enjoy certain pleasures you would not fathom now. When you still had your mother you often thought of the days when you would have her no longer. Now you will often think of days past when you had her. When you are used to this horrible thing that they will forever be cast into the past, then you will gently feel her revive, returning to take her place, her entire place, beside you. At the present time, this is not yet possible. Let yourself be inert, wait till the incomprehensible power ... that has broken you restores you a little, I say a little, for henceforth you will always keep something broken about you. Tell yourself this, too, for it is a kind of pleasure to know that you will never love less, that you will never be consoled, that you will constantly remember more and more.” ― Marcel Proust

Thank you, James, for sharing the photo of your mother. She has such a kind face. She must have been a wonderful mother for you to miss her so. I miss my father with all my heart, so I know how it feels to miss a beloved parent. Sunday was my dad's birthday. He would have been 87. I went to the cemetery by cab, because there was no one to drive me there. Luckily, I got a cabbie who was willing to wait for me while I bought the roses. Then he waited for me again while I placed the flowers on my dad's grave. The cabbie prayed with me, even though he's a Pakistani Muslim and didn't know the Christian prayers. He also helped me dispose of the old flowers and wrappings. Thank God for good people. I told the cabbie, "This is where I'll be buried; there's room for four." The cabbie asked, "Who's going in the fourth spot?" I answered, "My future husband." The cabbie laughed and said, "You can put that on your dating ad -- free burial plot included." We laughed. It was a bit of levity on an otherwise sad day, six months since my wonderful father passed away.

Dear Kayc, I am thinking of you as you pass this sad milestone. You have provided so much comfort and compassion to others, I hope that you can feel the caring and gratitude of myself and others on this site. God bless you always.

Thank you for sharing your very moving story, Suzanne. I think I mentioned this on another thread, but early one morning almost fifty years ago, my aunt who suffered from advanced scleroderma experienced a heavenly vision on the wall of her bedroom. She tried to waken her husband so he could see it. He was normally a light sleeper, but he would not stir. The vision was meant for her eyes only. When he awoke, she asked her husband to take her to church and shortly afterward she passed away.

I understand how you feel, KayC. Well, I met the attorney for lunch yesterday. He talked me into it -- he's a good lawyer! He wants to see me again in a couple of weeks when he comes to the Bay Area to shop for a yacht. We're just platonic friends at this point, but he seems like a very nice man. I'm not saying anything more will come of this, but he's the most interesting person I have met since my father died and that's something. He's thinking of moving to the SF Bay Area, so maybe I'll get to see him more often. He could be the answer to my prayers. The other night I was praying harder than usual. I was crying when I asked God to send me a good friend. I cried myself to sleep. The next day the lawyer invited me for a cup of coffee. I'm not making this up. He's the first man who actually gave me an invitation as to where and when, instead of just sayiing, "I want to meet you." I told him I had cold feed, because I've never met a stranger in this manner before. Then he invited me to lunch and reassured me that he's just looking for a friend. Playing hard to get really works, even though I wasn't doing it on purpose. I was nervous at first, because I was afraid he might be arrogant. He wasn't at all. The waiter was more snooty than him! I had a nice time. Lawyers are good talkers, of course. I think the faith based dating sites are safer though there are scammers everywhere. From his first name, his photos and his location, I was able to find out that he is a reputable lawyer, a former deputy district attorney. That's what convinced me to meet him. He even took me to the courthouse with him, so it was a learning experience. On the way home, I felt kind of sad that it's not easy to find friends who share my interests -- he's not that much into old movies or vintage music as I am, but I now know more about boats and the legal system than I did before. He's certainly the nicest lawyer I've ever met. I can't believe I did this and it turned out so well. I just got a text from him and he said he's my friend. As I was walking down Market Street a young good looking man handing out free samples for a beauty shop chatted me up a bit. He asked me, "Are you married or happy?" I replied, "Happy."

Thank you for your good advice, Kay. Not being much of a drinker before my grief experience, drunk driving is not an issue I've ever had to deal with personally before. Shari, I agree with Kay that you are very wise for your years. Sometimes I think I was wiser when I was younger. Loneliness has made me do some foolish things, such as drink too much, spend too much and join various dating sites. I told the gentleman on the dating site that I was getting cold feet about meeting him. He told me to take my time. Turns out he's both a lawyer and a realtor.

Hi, Shari, I hope things are going well for you. Thank you for wishing me a happy belated birthday. I now know what you mean about baby sitting adults when it comes to alcohol. I met a very nice older widow at the grief support meeting at church. She offered me a ride home and I invited her to dinner. We had a very nice time, except I got worried because she drank three cocktails before driving home. I did, too, but I don't have a driver's license since I've never owned a car. She seemed fine, and she got me home ok, but I still was worried about her. Luckily, she only lives 2 miles away. Now I don't know what to do the next time we dine together. Do I have to stop her from drinking more than one cocktail per hour? I just met her, so I don't want to offend her. She's old enough to know better and she may have more tolerance (the cocktails weren't that big). No matter what it is in life, there's always complications. I've been crying almost every day now. I miss my dad so much. Hanging out with friends and relatives just isn't the same as spending time with my dad was. I had a chance to date a lawyer on Monday but I turned him down, because I'm so afraid of scammers. I met him on a dating site. I don't know who is for real out there! Even if he is a lawyer that's kind of scary in itself. My cousin was married to a realtor who put their three houses in her name only and embezzled his life savings! Take care and be safe.

My heart goes out to you, MissingMom. I am going through many of the same thoughts and feelings after I lost my dad five months ago. I also feel like the hospital let him die, even before he was put into Comfort Care. I did the research, but they wouldn't listen to the things I suggested -- they made mistakes that seem deliberate. They kept pushing hospice even before he got worse. I wish so much that I had gotten a second opinion before it was too late. It's so much the luck of the draw. Sometimes you get dedicated, even heroic, doctors and nurses, but more often you get ones that just don't seem to care about anything except the money. Since my dad wouldn't have a heart operation, they figured he wasn't profitable enough. One doctor said he might as well be a DNR and an ICU nurse said she didn't believe in prolonging life artificially on account of her religious beliefs. A hospitalist said he's been hospitalized for the same problem multiple times, he might as well go to hospice. I told her his quality of life was good between hospitalizations and he was getting better in some ways. He had beaten diabetes and peripheral arterial disease -- they need to try a different diuretic, but they wouldn't do it or switch him to a hospital that offers aquapheresis, a light form of dialysis. Then they had a "mixup" at the lab where they didn't give him a sputum culture but they kept giving him powerful last resort antibiotics that damaged his kidneys even further. They also gave him two pneumonia vaccines which probably overwhelmed his already stressed immune system. He had a massive heart attack a few hours later. A lady in the waiting room told me they tried to discharge her father with a perforated bowel! Something is terribly wrong with our health care system. I cry every day now for my father. It's not just the guilt now, but the realization that I have lost the best friend I ever had and who I probably ever will have. I have been trying to make new friends and go out with relatives and old friends but it just emphasizes how much more happy I was with my dad than with anyone else. My fourth therapist tells me that I shouldn't feel guilty, because in the wheel of life our parents are only supposed to be one spoke, not the whole wheel, like my dad was to me. Well, he was like 90 percent of my life, which makes me feel as if I died with him. We were like one mind in two bodies, because he raised me to like everything he liked. In the last 14 years we were together almost 24/7. I am very grateful I had such a wonderful father, but the future ahead looks so bleak and colorless. I have been drinking more, something my father always frowned upon. I hardly ever went to bars while he was alive. I finally stopped drinking pisco sours, but now I like a cocktail called the Porch Light. I took a nice widow I met at the grief support group to the restaurant where they serve them and she had three of them like me! I was so worried, because she had to drive home. She seemed fine. She probably could drink me under the table, but now I feel like I'm a bad influence. How can I tell someone I hardly know not to drink another delicious cocktail without offending her? Especially when all she's trying to do is have a little happiness. She is devastated after she lost her husband of 30 years three years ago. She said the first year and a half were the worst and the grief support group helped her. She came back because some dear friends of hers passed away so she needed help again. I don't have any advice that you haven't already received. A cab driver told me the other day (as Suitearia also suggested): "Get out and walk as much as you can, join a gym if you have to. Go and walk at a park, get close to nature." He used to be a personal trainer at a gym. This was the second time I talked with him. I also talked to a cab driver on the way home who said after he lost his house and his girlfriend (she's still alive), he cried every day for a whole year. Grief is the hardest thing in life. I read that the hardest thing about grief is actually allowing yourself to do it. The article I read is here: http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/08/the-hardest-part-of-grieving/ As James said, grief is a private hell but we have to take it one day at a time or even 1 hour at a time sometimes. I wish you the very best.

I cried when I watched this very touching commercial by Teleflora, Ryan's unforgettable Mother's Day delivery to Mom: https://youtu.be/j2zhVs1cUgU It may be too intense for those who recently lost their mother, but the sentiments can apply to anyone raised by a single parent.

Way to go, Shari! I wish you all the success in the world, and I won't hate you when you get it, like some people do. I know my dad wanted to live for my sake and for his own. As he was dying, the hardest part was when his brow became furrowed, like he was trying to wake up, but he couldn't. These moments didn't last long, but I felt like he was being killed by the morphine and there was nothing I could do. I think it was his own body's toxins that were killing him, because of the kidney failure. I cried before and after he died, but only in short bursts. I was numb for a couple of months. I did not cry at his funeral, which disturbed me and my relatives. I was very sad but could not find release. However, in the last two months, I've been crying more often and more intensely than before. I'm glad I'm going to see my counselor tomorrow, because I have no one to talk to here, and my relatives don't have much time for me. The whole ordeal of watching my dad die seemed unreal. As I looked out the hospital window watching day turn into night, I felt like the world was foreign to me -- like I wasn't connected to it anymore. I had the same feeling when I went to the de Young museum last month. The observation tower is new, so I had never seen the view from up there before. I know that my father would have loved it. There's a 360 degree view of Golden Gate Park and the rest of San Francisco. As I looked down, I saw the familiar places I visited as a child, the Spreckels Temple of Music, the grove of trees on the concourse, USF where I went to school and Lone Mountain College where my mother attended, the spires of St. Ignatius Church....I was filled with a sense of weary nostalgia for my youth which didn't seem so long ago -- life is too short. I also observed the sphinx sculptures and the Pool of Enchantment. I imagined my little grandmother (she was 4' 11") sitting next to the left sphinx as she did in an old photo I have. What normally would have been an exciting view made me feel detached, like I was already dead. Is this how spirits see the world from above? I bought a mug with a view of the Panama Pacific International Exposition of 1915 on it. Why couldn't I have found this mug when my father was alive? He would have liked it -- we were both big fans of the Exposition. I don't think I'll ever be able to look at the books and photos of the fair with the same pleasure now that he's gone. I know it will get better, but it will never be the same. A high school classmate got in touch with me on Facebook. She said she had the sudden urge to contact me (for the first time in 38 years), and she thinks maybe it was my father getting in touch with her. We had dinner together yesterday at my favorite Peruvian restaurant. I never tire of that place. She told me that after her mother died, she went to a spiritualist church and she wants me to go with her at their next meeting (tomorrow evening). She said when the clairvoyant selected her from the audience, suddenly everything went black and she saw rain -- inside the building. She said the clairvoyant told her a message from her mother and she really believes it was her mother's spirit communicating through the medium. Naturally, I'm skeptical, but also curious about this spiritualist church. I don't know what to believe, but I worry about some strange spirit following me home. My friend Ray has a brother with psychic ability who can see spirits. One day their other brother walked into a room and the psychic brother said to him, "Where have you been? You've brought a lot of spirits with you." He had just been in an antique shop looking at antiques that had spirits attached to them or some such thing.

Shari, The resentment you felt toward your dad was natural and not your fault. As nice as my dad was, and even though he was always right here with me, I used to resent that he didn't want to go out and do more fun things with me. He did go some fun places with me, for my sake, such as a trip to Mexico and a couple of times to the Dickens Christmas Fair. He ended up enjoying himself, and looking back on those experiences with pleasure. If we had gone out more, before he got too sick, there would have been many more good memories to cherish. He was always happiest at home watching movies or sports. I turned 56 on Friday. I felt so alone on my first birthday without my father, I cried, even though people called and emailed me with good wishes. Fortunately, my half brother, his wife and my niece took me to dinner at my favorite Peruvian restaurant. I had a very nice time. My pisco sour had a smiley face on it, made out of angostura bitters. On the way home we were laughing about the Star Wars movies. I mentioned I used to have a crush on Boba Fett! That cracked them up. Then the following day I had dinner with my cousin Vivian who is a gourmet cook -- she prepared an entire Peruvian feast for me, complete with Pisco Sour cocktails! It blew me away that she would do that for me, especially since she had never tasted Peruvian food before. I only recently discovered Peruvian food and pisco sours. It's the only food and cocktail I really like now, because it's very tasty and something not associated with my father since he never tried it. I would not recommend drinking alone -- you are wise not to do that, but I understand the temptation. I only had two pisco sours with food, so I was relaxed but not even tipsy. I also had two glasses of champagne with dessert but much later. One thing I probably shouldn't admit is that I smoked my first joint ever on Saturday night. My cousins make such a big deal about marijuana, I was tempted to see if it would make me feel happy or help me sleep. It didn't have much effect on me. I laughed because I was doing something out of character, not because it was so great (not for me, anyway). My cousin Randy called me in the morning to check up on me. He said he was worried about me being all alone in "the house on haunted hill" after my first joint. I told him I didn't have any bad reaction, but it didn't really help me either. Lots of drugs and sleep remedies don't help me like they're supposed to. Like your dad, my dad would not want me drinking alcohol, except for a little red wine with dinner. My dad also didn't want me smoking anything -- he didn't even like me to burn candles or incense. I think he would understand that I tried the marijuana only to see if it would have a medicinal effect -- so many people were urging me to try it for my insomnia. A few years ago, a friend gave me a hookah pipe with a whole box of assorted tobaccos, but I never used it, out of respect for my father and for my own health. You are certainly under a lot more peer pressure than I am to drink and smoke. I laud your self control. Under no circumstances would I ever drink to the point where I wasn't in control of myself or aware of my surroundings. I just get pleasantly tipsy. I've never been drunk or sick from drinking too much. Alcohol can make you depressed the next day. Please be careful. If you do drink, don't ever leave your drink unattended. If you leave a drink alone, don't drink it. You are too young and beautiful to take any chances. Do you have room to create a small shrine for your dad in your bedroom? On a table near my front door I have a small metal shrine niche that looks like this: http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51Tjd6PCABL.jpg I bought it on Amazon from Design Toscano. I have a small framed picture of my dad in front of the statue of the Blessed Mother along with battery-operated votive candles which I keep burning day and night. Maybe you could put an urn containing your dad's ashes inside a niche like this. I also put other smaller statues of saints in front. I'm Catholic, but somewhat agnostic. My dad used to be an altar boy. For Easter I put two Easter lilies on either side of the niche. Now I have the birthday bouquet my brother gave me next to it. Buying flowers for the cemetery is going to bankrupt me, because I have too many dead relatives now, so I will have to stop going so often at some point. Maybe when you will feel recovered enough, you could scatter your dad's ashes from a hot air balloon. Or a less expensive ritual might be to light sky lanterns, which are candle-powered hot air balloons that you could release into the night sky. They have them on Amazon, a 14 pack for $13.79 in assorted colors. I would love to do this for my dad on his birthday. I should have done it when he was alive, but without a car, it was too hard to get to a safe location to release the lanterns -- there are strict fire ordinances in San Francisco. My half brother didn't have time to visit my dad on his birthdays in the last three years. One of my uncle's ashes are kept at a niche in a church in Mexico. Lots of cemeteries have above ground columbariums for urns. The stuffed grapefruit thing sounds so cute!

Dear Lori, my sincere sympathy for your loss. I'm not the most qualified to advise you, because I've never been married, never had children, I've never even been in love (just infatuated), but I know what the pain of loneliness is, now that I'm alone for the first time in my life. I also can relate to wanting to have a normal life, something I've never experienced. I've never had the love of my mother, but your children are lucky to have you. Big Brothers of America www.bbbs.org might be helpful in providing a male role model for your children. A Stephen Minister might be helpful for your faith crisis and just as someone to talk to: https://www.stephenministries.org/ In the following video Joyce Meyers tells us that what happened to your husband was between him and God, and not that God wasn't listening to your prayers: How To Overcome the Pain of Losing a Loved One https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_RoRpmD8eE I'm at a point where I can finally recommend counseling. I tried three therapists who were not a good fit for me, but I now have a counselor who seems very promising. She specializes in emotional intelligence and cognitive behavioral therapy. I can even relate to your guilt about shopping. As a longtime caregiver, I became a compulsive online shopper as a way to cope with the deprivation of my lifestyle. Now I've switched from buying stuff to eating out at restaurants once a week with relatives and friends, because it eases the loneliness. You are still young and there must be men who would be thrilled to have a ready made family to love and protect. Most men are natural born problem solvers (when they're not the problem themselves). I wish you and your family comfort and peace.