Two weeks ago today, a most wonderful, loving, caring, beautiful 19 year old girl died suddenly of an aneurysm. She was/is like a daughter to me. I can't quite say "was" yet, I don't think I ever will. Although I am beyond comprehension and full of pain and sadness, her parents, her sister, and my son - who loved her so much, are in such agony that my pain pales in comparison. My son refuses to talk about her, he says he's "ok". I know he is not ok at all. Her father is shutting himself away completely; I know that if - I - feel as bad as I do, he must be feeling something I don't even know the words for.... Please tell me WHAT I can do. They are both hermits and introverts. They are both treading water just to make it through the day. I can neither just "show up" at my son's or at her father's house, knowing how much they hate to show their pain. I have called several times since the funeral and they didn't answer the phone. I've stopped at their respective houses, knowing they are home, but they didn't answer the door. Am I worried? You bet. Am I supposed to "get the message and get lost", or insist and continue to bother them with my calls and my presence? I have not, nor will I ever, offer stupid and meaningless "comfort phrases" because I know myself that they mean nothing at all when you know your loved one is gone forever. All I want to do is be with them, clean or cook for them, take care of what needs to be done, offer a hug, share a box of Kleenex, be there for them. I know I can't make things better, I need you to tell me whether I should keep calling or whether I need to wait until they call me. The mother and sister have lots of people going in and out of their house/life, helping, comforting and doing what they can to make these first few months a tiny bit easier (if that's even possible). These two loners though, are toughing it out on their own - separately, of course. God forbid they'd even talk to each other about their shared pain, even though they have so many questions for each other. Please help me help them, even if it's just by staying away - if that's what I need to do. Tell me what is right and what is wrong. I've even started thinking that I'm being selfish by wanting to be with them. Maybe I am. It would be comforting to me to be with them - is that why I think my presence would be comforting to them? I'm feeling helpless and confused.
