Froggie4635

Well....here it is 2021. After the isolation of Covid for over a year, I am struggling emotionally. I am now seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist. I have felt extremely emotionally numb for YEARS. My PTSD is over the top. I kept it in check for years, but when the man I am involved with had a stroke in my bathroom, and I had to repeat the experience I had the day Mark died....it sent me into a tailspin. The hours at my job was reduced by half last month....I am forgetful, can't focus. I am awaiting an appointment with a neuropsychologist to do some testing. A large part of me wants to hide away from the world....I no longer get any joy from the things I always did before. I don't know if all this comes from losing Mark, or if it is something more...but I am working to find out. I miss Mark.

Sorry for being away for so long, everyone. Tomorrow will be 6 years that Mark has been gone....SIX years. It is longer than we were married. I am trying not to let it consume me, but it is so prevalent in my life right now. Could it be the pandemic? I said something to my doctor yesterday and she said that this pandemic is accentuating everything. I lost my cousin in October to CoVid...she had come down to Houston for my wedding with my aunt and now they are both gone. It's like I had all these feelings all under control (HA HA) but now that I pulled off the band aid so to speak, it is all fresh and making me feel very vulnerable. Yesterday morning I had to scrap frost off my car, and thought that if Mark were here, he would have taken care of that and warmed up my car for me. Yesterday was his birthday. These three days (Dec 2, 3, 4) hold so many memories; good and bad. I have been doing things this week to make me feel better....a friend at work moved into her first house and I have been giving her some of the things I had stored away (they are all in her favorite color) and she has a little girl, so I am doing some pretty pink things for her....it makes me feel better, but doesn't relieve this feeling. I worked from home from April until last month, when I went back into the office full-time, with a VERY segregated office. I have health concerns, so I worry about exposure. Isolating doesn't help the feelings of loss....but I want to be safe. Have already had two Covid tests. And this is probably horrible sounding, but I am relieved that my parents are not living; I would be beside myself worrying about their safety and care right now. I hope that everyone is safe and cared for here...

Here is latest book published by the Grief Diaries series. It was just released in printed version yesterday.

Am feeling a little familiarity right now. Monday, I lost my older brother, Chuck the same way I lost my husband, Mark....heart attack. Feeling that same numb feeling. Although I had not seen my brother in many years, that love and closeness never goes away. I always had a very special connection to him and have GREAT memories of him as my brother and also of him as a husband and father. My bond with him is one of the reasons I am the woman I am today and I know the coming days and months are going to bring that pain of seeing that void where he once was. I feel so much for his wife of 46 years, knowing what such a sudden loss can do to you. It's like everything is all wrapped and rolled in together.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/f.html?C=Z9SQXHR9LXA4&M=urn:rtn:msg:20190323213710c01e7f97cc4741419084108e2940p0na&R=242JZFX0SQVSK&T=C&U=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2Fauthor%2Fmaryannmueller%3Fref_%3Dpe_1724030_132998060&H=KPTHTN7C23KNEGQHNINMJUHHVXUA&ref_=pe_1724030_132998060 Here is the link to Amazon.

Wanted to share with all my friends here on the forum. I wouldn't have been able to do this without all the help and support from each and every one of you.

Tomorrow would have been my 10th wedding anniversary, and I lost my husband, Mark in December 2014. I now have someone new in my life, and it brings on all sorts of feelings; happy, warm, yet something is also missing. For the past four Valentine's I have really just tried to ignore it...turned my eyes away when I saw the displays and advertisements for roses and hearts & flowers. Just didn't want to think about it...the things I enjoyed about the holiday were gone. But now, I want to have that feeling again; to want to shower someone with love and let them do the same for me. This will be a year of adjustments. I am so lucky that he understands and gives me all the room I need to have all these different feelings...he knows that Mark will FOREVER be a part of my life, and that means he will also be a part of "our" life as a couple. It's one of those things that you have to move your way through with no real suggestions on how to do it. I'm happy again. I know that Mark has something to do with it...and that makes me smile.

Anne, We have developed this special bond....and I always look to your warm words of wisdom and care. I will come back to this post when it seems I need a little nudge to get back on track when I find myself straying a bit from my journey. Maryann

I understand this so much more, now that I have found someone new to walk with. He understands my loss, and what it did to my life and honors Mark right along with me. Ken wanted to try and understand more, so he could be supportive of me and losing Mark; he went online and read as much as he could about what happens when someone becomes a widow. I was so very touched by that. Today is four years I lost Mark, and my emotions are just beneath the surface...but it makes it easier knowing there is someone who will accept my grief and support me in every way possible. I feel blessed.

Four years ago today, my life took a direction I had never anticipated. My husband, Mark died suddenly and unexpectedly of a heart attack...ripped out of my life with no notice. These four years have been a journey of learning about myself and finding new meaning and a "new normal". I know that Mark would be so proud of me, and still walks along with me as I make my way. He was the best thing that had ever happened to me, and we loved each other very much. It has become easier to smile more, but this solemn day reminds me how very precious life is and to value each person who enters it and make sure they know that they are loved and appreciated.

Life moves along, sometimes so quickly that you don't have time to acknowledge all the things that are going on. I am still dealing with the after affects of my car accident, and it is approaching a year. I am meeting with a therapist for a few sessions; part of the treatment for my accident, and perhaps to show some emotional distress. Am finding out how VERY attached I was to my car and all the memories and importance it held in my life...pretty significant. I was forced to give it up, just like I was forced to give up Mark when he died. I had a stronger connection to it than I do to my house...if you can believe that. I recently allowed a friend to move in because she was in a truly horrible situation, and I couldn't continue to allow it to happen. It has been a major adjustment over the last two weeks; I know that I need to encourage and push her to begin to help herself as she has safety and peace now. On a more positive note, over the past month I have been getting to know someone who has plans to relocate to Houston before Thanksgiving. He is the first man I have met that "gets it" in regards to being a widow and how it affects your life forever. We both kind of agree that Mark has brought this man to my life...he is so similar to Mark in many ways, but also very different and will add so much to my life. I am so much stronger than I have been in a very long time. I started dressing better, wearing make up and walk with a confidence I have not had in a long time. Yesterday I received news that a former colleague, who we worked closely with in our office, lost her battle with breast cancer; the first person I have known on such a level to die since Mark, and I am trying to deal with the feelings and emotions it is presenting at this time. But I get through each day, and keep moving forward...always aware of all that is going on.

It still amazes me the signs and messages. Life has been changing so very much and I still know that he is there watching.

I just got the CD and loaded the songs on my iPod that I take to work....when this song came on, I smiled with tears in my eyes. Monday was three years that Mark has gone.

Like Marty, I can't find the words. My heart just hurts so very much for Butch and his family.

I went in to volunteer at work for a bit...they are collecting and dispersing all sorts of supplies for people in need. I went to see some of my co-workers and colleagues. There were so many people there and so much going on it was a little overwhelming. I know there will be other chances to help. I do better in situations behind the scenes. I still have a difficult time being around a lot of people at once.

Had a conference call with all the staff at the JCC. Water damaged the electric and air conditioning systems. There was 12 - 15 feet of water entered the lower level. We were reassured that we will not lose our jobs, and will continue to get paid. They could not even begin to give us a possible date where staff could be in the building. I tried to go to Target and purchase some items to donate to the clean up that needs done for staff, members and the community. I drove down a street not far from the JCC, and saw so much of the devastation people are dealing with...stuff that had to be pulled from their homes. The traffic lights were flashing, and I was nervous so I just picked up some items at Target and came back home. We are all in contact, as a family would be, and are supporting each other in whatever way we can. I took a complete break from all the news today...I needed it.

Saw some pictures from where I work...8 feet of water on the bottom floor. So many of those I work closely with have had flooding in their home; one is going to move away and not try and rebuild. Mark's family is at various locations and a few are worried about flooding from one of the rivers. I've stopped watching any of the news stories about the evacuees; it just hurts my heart too much right now and is overwhelming. I relied so much in my "normal" schedule to help keep me in a positive frame of mind. I miss the daily interaction with my friends and colleagues. I know there are so many people who are going through so much worse than I am. and I still feel blessed I was kept safe. I knew there was a reason why we chose this house when we walked through the door that first time. I continue to work in the house and take advantage of this time off. Looking at the weather forecast, seems to be some cooler fall weather coming next weekend. Also looking at another possible tropical disturbance. I continue to stay in touch with friends and colleagues, to try and keep their spirits up.

I finally ventured out...needed food for my babies. Wasn't sure if my usual store was open, so went to one I know was open, near my mother in law. Waited a little until it opened and guess who showed up...my MIL. When I got out of the car, my knees felt shaky. I think I am just now feeling the release of the anxiety from the last 4 days. I have become such a creature of habit and routine. Has been how I have dealt with things since Mark died. I feel the urge to go and help others, but financially it is rough and my back is still hurting from the car accident and not sure how long I could stand or what I could lift. Makes you feel helpless at times to see so much hurt.

Rain has subsided...but so many areas are being overrun with water from rivers overflowing and dams breaching. Going to have to take a break from all the reports soon because the need for help is everywhere. There were reports of looting in some stores around my area, so I am not brave enough to venture out right now. I took one more step today...to avoid getting stir crazy. I finally cleaned the shower that Mark used...haven't really touched it since he died. I am going to have a lot of time on my hands the next few days until I know it is safe to leave. Tomorrow morning I am making myself promise to sit and write upon rising; before I turn on any news. I am going to escape a little this afternoon by watching "Grey's Anatomy" for a few hours. I feel blessed that I am safe.

Kevin, Yes, I am very lucky and have been able to stay safe and dry with electricity. My heart hurts though for so many of the others I know and those I don't know who may be in dire straits and away from their homes. It has been raining all day, but no where near what it was the other night. Looks like we will still be watching until some time on Wednesday. My fur babes stick close to me and I stay calm for them. Been in contact with family and co-workers throughout. Am ready for Harvey to catch the first flight out of Houston...except the airports are CLosED.....lol. Thanks for all your care and concern.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and prayers. I am safe and dry, although rain has begun again and a little more windy. So many of my colleagues are having hard times and evacuating, I feel so much for them. I know Mark would be proud that I am keeping my cool and being strong. My fur babes are my priority, and they are keeping close. Just have to hunker down a couple more days.

Wasn't sure where to post this but wanted everyone to know I am safe and sound here in Houston, but it is really bad in so many areas. Right now waiting to see what Harvey is going to do the next few days. My house did not get any water in it, but neighborhood is surrounded with flooded streets. The area where I work was hit really hard. No news choppers can get up to show the devastation, but the news is showing enough to see how very horrible this all has been. I am doing what is advised and hunkering down at home with the dogs.

Of course she will always be there watching out for you. I was told by someone with a spiritual connection that Mark is in the car with me every time I drive now...and he kept me from getting seriously injured three weeks ago. Had I been just a foot and a half more into the intersection, the outcome might have been so much worse. They continue to love and watch out for us, but I also believe that part of that would be wanting us to continue to live and try and find happiness. I was able to get my bathroom faucet repaired this passed weekend, and now I think I am finally ready to tackle the shower. That is the last place in the house that is untouched since Mark died. His razor is still resting on the bar of soap where he touched it last. We are all on different levels of healing, and my words are by no means how everyone should handle their grief. In the beginning, I wanted to stay in that sadness because I felt it connected me to Mark. But life sometimes has a different plan for us. I know now that I am not the same woman that Mark married; many things about me have changed. But I truly believe he would and does love the woman I am becoming, and finds joy knowing that my love for him is part of what drives such a change. Loving him and losing him helped me find strength I never knew existed inside me. We ALL are braver than we let ourselves see.

Dear Mitch, I remember after Mark died I went through many of this belongings...looking for items to "connect" to, even things that pre-dated our relationship. I knew they meant something to him and I wanted that feeling around me. First thing I had to clean out was the big chest of drawers where a lot of his clothing was kept. I collected various t-shirts to have a quilt made (even bought special fabric to go along with it). I washed the t-shirts and put everything together. But time moved by and I never did get that quilt made. I had three pair of his shoes sitting out on a special rack so I could see them. Half of my closet housed his collection of Hawaiian shirts. I would leave the closet open so I could see them hanging there. After I passed the two year mark, and began moving into the third, and started the idea of moving forward, I started taking down many of the items. I found that what I was feeling for Mark was changing. It was becoming more INTERNAL. I tried numerous times to remove my rings, or try wearing them a different way. When I finally had the courage, I removed them completely and replaced them with a simple silver band with black stones. I like the idea of wearing something there, but wanted it to be a transition. When I began to think about dating, I started to remove things. I read LOTS of articles about widows who began to look for love again. I also felt a gentle "nudging"...I know that was Mark. There are things I have around me in my home that will ALWAYS be associated with Mark and I will never put them away. But they won't make anyone uncomfortable because I will know what they are and what they mean. Since the accident, and having to let go of his car, I found I have the courage to allow my memories to be my connection now. And I am at peace with it all now.