Hooverla

Thank You for the anniversary wishes! I have to admit I am starting to feel very anxious. The pollen count is terrible and so I am finding it hard to breath with my seasonal allergies. This makes me anxious and with the trip approaching, It hit me yesterday. Not to mention this is the week leading up to Easter and so far I haven't handled the holidays well. Plus my mother in law won't stop hounding me with questions about how we plan to celebrate it this year. I've tried to stay occupied and not think about it. The subconscious mind is a crazy thing. On top of that I haven't flown in awhile and all of the anxiety "what if's" are starting. My husband is so understanding! I shared my fear of ruining our trip and how I wanted to remember this with good memories. Not ones of me freaking out on the plane or becoming ill. He says whatever happens, happens and it will all be okay either way. I LOVE him. All I can force myself to do is live in the moment and try not to think to far ahead. Enjoy each minute without fearing the next. This is life. Live it! I've always been nervous flying. This is not a new feeling so I need to not link it to a new panic attack. It's all normal. Thank you all for listening and allowing me an outlet. I'm sure I will be fine. My mom would be happy for me and want me to have fun. I'm not sure what lies ahead but I will update as time permits.

Hello! I just wanted to check in and let you know that I remained in control throughout the entire business trip and my presentation went great! Last week I made up my mind that I was going to pull out of this dark pit that I've been in for so long. I just kept telling myself that grief is not an illness. It is a process. But NOT a physical illness like the flu or a disease. The only way I am going to begin healing is to begin putting one foot in front of the other until I am finally out of the fog. I have to begin combating negative thoughts and emotions with positive thoughts of healing. It is time that I begin honoring my mom's death and the legacy that she left behind. Although I felt like I was forever lost in this dizzy, out of control, blinding fog, within one week I already feel like I am beginning to see a dim light ahead. It takes a lot of mind control and focus but I am determined to find happiness again. Anxiety still tries to get it's grip on me but I am stronger than one single emotion. Grief is not an illness. Grief is not a disease. I can overcome this. I'm not denying my feelings. I cry when I need to cry. I feel over come with sadness at times but I'm not setting up camp there anymore. I can't. I have to enjoy and appreciate MY life. For the first time in a long time I can honestly say, "Life IS a gift". When I feel anxiety setting in and my heart starts to pound out of chest I just say," Anxiety, I know who you are now and I'm not going to let you take control" I take deep stomach breaths and start singing or reading or call someone to take my mind of the anxiety. If I have in my mind that it is stronger than me, it always wins. When I realize I am the one causing and controlling the anxiety I win. I have a lot of good opportunities happening in my life right now and I don't want to look back on them years for now and only remember the anxiety and sadness. My mom would be devastated if she knew that her death caused this much sadness and fear inside of me. I'm heading to Vegas with my husband on Monday to celebrate our 20th anniversary. It would hurt her so much if she knew that her death was the reason that I did not enjoy my anniversary. I have to stop blaming her death for ruining my life. That's exactly what I'm doing when I live in my grief and allow it to take over. I would NEVER want my daughter to feel this physically and mentally upset over me. I am making a conscious decision to stop "living in my grief" and begin my journey back into the land of the living. It won't happen overnight but it will happen. I''m sorry mom, you taught me everything but how to live without you. I am learning to do that now. I will always miss you so much. I can only hope to become as strong and courageous as you were. This is where I am right now and time will tell where I will be. For now, I am learning to be okay with being happy. For now, I'm learning to smile again. Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

I am currently taking Simvastatin for high cholesterol. This was diagnosed at the hospital during my first panic/anxiety attack. They blamed my thyroid. Since my last post I did pull out of the February funk that I was in. Now I'm in it again! The month of March is an extremely busy month for me. We just got back from a weekend get away with friends that stressed me to the max for many reasons but the main one being that I am scared to death that I will have an anxiety/panic attack and ruin the trip. So needless to say the fear of the attack kept me borderline all weekend. I was totally wiped out by the time we got home on Sunday. Next week I have a business trip and I have to do a huge presentation in front of many people and the VP of the company! Need I say more? I'm a mess with anxiety! When I return from the business trip my husband and I are leaving for Vegas to celebrate our 20th anniversary. God give me strength and healing!! I went to the Doctor today because I only have 4 Xanax left for emergencies and I'm a nervous wreck thinking about my to dos for this month. The doctor feels that I am developing symptoms that are "not normal" in grief. He says that I should not live in this kind of anxiety towards doing things that should be providing happiness. I agree but I am having a hard time accepting his observation. I still feel that it is due to grief. He wants me to begin taking an antidepressant. He says it will act as a bridge to help me become stronger and well. It would not be long term and would be re-evaluated after 3-6 months and then he would begin taking me off of it. I hate ALL of this. He did give me 30 days of samples and left it up to me. He also refilled a 30 day Xanax that I also do not like taking but feel better knowing I have it for emergency. I use to be so strong and never intimidated. I loved public speaking. What has happened to me? Is this due to grief? I just need advise and reassurance. Is it grief related if I'm not even thinking of my mom at the time?? Does anyone else have anxiety towards work and trips and fear that they will have another panic attack at a bad time? I NEVER had anxiety before this. I was a worry wart but never these anxiety attacks that make me feel like I'm either dying or having a heart attack. Thank you for listening.

Kayc, My doctor did give me an extremely mild xanax. I have heard how addicting xanax can be so I even have anxiety towards taking them. I do not want a permanent solution to a temporary problem. However, lately my anxiety has become so bad that I have taken one at times to take the edge off and to calm my stomach enough to be able to eat. It is the lowest dose possible (.25) so it does not have much impact. Can you tell me the name of what you are taking? I have looked into natural remedies but I am on thyroid, hormone and cholesterol meds and I always worry about how things may interfere with my meds. I am feeling better a little each day so I know I'm pulling through this. But when the anxiety strikes it knocks the wind out if my sails. People who have never suffered the attacks can never understand how debilitating they are and how mentally and physically exhausting they are.

It's been a couple of days and I still feel physically ill. I have read so many articles and I am assuming this is a grief burst that I'm going through? I would be fine if it were about crying, facing my sadness, etc. I can do that. It's these physical symptoms that are so hard. I have grieved the loss of a loved one before but it has NEVER been like this. Hot flashes, shortness of breath, heart palpitations, dizziness, shaky, weak, loss of appetite, butterflies in my stomach, inability to focus, the list goes on and on. I have gone through these episodes 3 times already each lasting about a weak. The week leading up to Thanksgiving, the week between Christmas and New year and now her February birthday/Valentines Day. I know it is grief related because of the timing. It's just scary because I never knew of these symptoms before. My dad is also experiencing them. It eases my mind to know these are a part of grieving but in the midst of it I can't help but worry that I will feel this way from now on. My mind starts running away with me and I picture myself losing my job, mu husband leaving me and me just becoming a mental case. I assume this is what is meant when I have read that some people feel like they are going crazy? I had a long talk with my husband and he understands more than I give him credit for. I have always been strong and healthy and I guess I worry about what others must think of me being so weak and sickly. I keep saying to him that I won't always be like this and he just smiles and says "Honey it's fine. Your sad. Your depressed. You're gonna be okay and quit worrying about what I'm thinking" I know that I bring a lot on myself. Like I don't already have enough worry and stress without me putting more pressure on myself. I do chose life! I will pull through this! I am journaling and writing here is also helping. I am trying to face and grow from this I just hope it doesn't kill me in the process. I am eager to become the woman that God is molding me into! I'm not sure what is meant by honoring your grief, but I'm going to do what I can to make sure that I come through this a new , stronger person for my children, husband and my dad. Even if it feels like I'm losing my mind on occasion. I hope that my words help someone else that may be feeling and going through what I'm going through. It has helped me to read that I am not the only one that feels this way. Thank you.

Thank you so much Marty T. I'm just having a bad couple of days. I actually took today off from work because I felt that I really needed some time to regroup and refresh. Not to mention I just feel terrible. I have began reading and reading and more reading. I am so glad that I found this site. I can already tell that it will be an enormous help. I have had a few co-workers that have called in sick feeling weak, tired, shaky and upset stomach. Maybe I actually have a bug this time on top of the hard time I have been having with mom's b-day. It's so hard to tell cold symptoms from grief symptoms nowadays. Thanks again for your advice.

Mary and Kay C, Thank you for your advice. I have been taking measures to MAKE myself cry. I feel that I have held it in for so long that I cannot release it now. But when it does come it comes full force. I was feeling better once the holidays were over but the closer it got to her birthday Feb.9 and Valentines Day, well it all started again with the anxiety, loss of appetite, jitters, lack of concentration and the exhaustion. It's been a couple of weeks now and I desperately want to gain control and strength in this. I can handle being sad but all the rest is making me feel angry, embarrassed that I'm ALWAYS feeling sick and I dread anything that we have planned in the future because I'm afraid I will ruin it. Our 20th wedding anniversary is in March and I get a HUGE knot in my stomach when I think about it. As far as talking to someone well I feel that everyone has already moved on and they think that I should have also. My husband is very supportive but I feel that he must think I'm hanging on too long. I guess I just want someone to make it all go away or say that one magic word that will heal me and I know that isn't going to happen. I just need some kind of hope for the future. I don't want to feel this way from now on. I read these post and it scares me to see that people are still grieving years afterwards. I just don't know if I can handle that. I also feel that going to a grief counselor would worry my family because they just don't understand. Thank you for the articles and thank you for your response.

Gigi-T Thank you for your response. I have learned that when we are inside of our own bubble of grief our minds can be our worst enemy. If you take a step back and look at all of the symptoms that you are feeling you will see that they are all on the list of grief symptoms. Shortness of breath, insomnia, nausea, lack of appetite, nervousness, anxiety, and even lack of interest in things that we used to do. I think that we are consciously and subconsciously replaying the days and events leading up to the death of our parents over and over in our heads so that anything we feel or do in this process seems to spark a memory that we can physically relate to. It's exhausting. I can say all of these things to you but convincing myself of it is a different story. I went to the doctor and received a clean bill of health. I wish the same for you because when I am having a really bad day I can remind myself of those results. The anxiety attacks are scary and I think they are the root of my nerves, stomach issues, shortness of breath and heart pounding. I just wish they would go away but apparently That is is how I am dealing with this grief....through anxiety. Thanks again and I wish you healing, comfort and strength in your journey.

I don't even know where to begin. I lost my mom 8 months ago. She was 70 years old and she had COPD. I feel as though I am still in a fog. I always found myself in denial of how sick she really was. When she would tell me that she didn't feel good I would roll my eyes or say it's because she needs to get out of the house. Or I would blame it on the weather. I would even blame all of the medication she was on. I would come up with any way to excuse it all away. I should have been more understanding. I just wanted her to be better. I didn't want to accept that she was really sick. If I had it to do over I would have just held her and pampered her. After a bad COPD related illness in Dec of 2013 things became really bad. She spent more time in the hospital than out. The time spent in the hospital was filled with so many ups and downs. ICU, emergency surgeries, being moved to an acute care center then back to the ER and ICU to Palliative care. We would have hope one minute and then be crushed the next. I stayed by her side the entire time. Thanks to hospital WIFI I was able to work from her room and the bedside table became my new desk. She went into the hospital in March and did not make it back home. She came to my house through Hospice on Friday June 13. She passed away on Monday June 16, 2014. I was able to pray over her, pamper her and play her favorite gospel hymns. It was the greatest honor to be able to care for her in her final days. My parents celebrated their 54th anniversary New Years Day 2014. Which was also the 9 year anniversary of my brother's death. He died of AIDS and he suffered a very long slow death. My mother cared for him in her home. Watching her own son die a little each day for over a year. Having 2 children of my own I can't even imagine how excruciatingly painful that must have been. We were very close and his death was the hardest thing I had experienced in my life...until now. Right after my mom died I felt as if I was beginning to suffer the same symptoms that she had. I thought that because I refused to accept how she felt all those years now Karma will make sure that I feel it first hand. I told my husband and he said I was being ridiculous. It felt very real to me. I later read an article that this is sometimes a symptom of grief. Two months after her death while eating breakfast, out of the blue, a rush came over me. I became very light headed. My heart began to pound out of my chest. I was extremely dizzy and I couldn't breathe. My entire body was trembling and I honestly thought I was dying. I took my blood pressure it was 186/112. That confirmed it. I was having a heart attack. My husband took me to the ER and it turned out to be an anxiety/panic attack. I had never experienced anything like that in my life! They thought it may have been caused by my thyroid being out of balance. After plenty of follow up visits with my Dr. and lab work it was determined that I am in perfect health. I have since also found that anxiety is a symptom of grief. Although I have learned to control them through breathing and self talk I still live in fear of the attacks. I feel that it's never the right time or place to cry so I have mastered the art of holding it in. I have had to help my dad deal with his loss. He was totally dependent on my mom. He is healthy but they come from the generation of the wife being the homemaker. He had never even made a sandwich or stepped foot in a grocery store. I have had to take on 2 households not to mention two budgets and my full time job. My dad has come along way over the past 8 months with cooking, cleaning and shopping. He also began seeing another woman within the first 6 weeks of my mom's death which is a whole other story and I'm sure I have already exceeded the post limit. I'll just say that I was NOT ready for that! My stomach feels like it is in shreds and I have lost a lot of weight due to a nervous stomach and lack of appetite. I feel so exhausted all the time. I want to go to bed and stay there. Life is too much to handle. I am now having to double check all of my work because my brain is mush. I feel like I'm losing it. Although I have read some of the same words in other post I can't help but think no one knows how I feel. I never expected these physical symptoms. Maybe my brothers death caused the final decline of my mom's health and her death will be the death of me. It's been 8 months. I know that grief takes time. I know I will never be the same. Everything I read says this is normal. I'm also beginning to have memories of how I grieved for my brother and even my grandmother. My mom's mom died 5 years after my brother. I am sorry that I have rambled on but I feel like this process has become more about how I feel physically and mentally instead of being able to genuinely grieve and miss my mom. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this and thank you for allowing me to ramble on here.