katdoo

Again, thank you KayC - it is so hard - I welcome the hugs, I welcome the support. Will there be a time when I wake up in the a.m. and there isn't that 'pang' of realization that my mom is gone? That what had been the 'norm' for me has been completely permanently changed? I am so glad to have found this website for the support. You are not family, and because of that - no pre-existing expectations and of course - knowing that I am not alone in this struggle.

Carrie, I think it's that you, for lack of a better word, simply knew that while you could be your mother's caregiver, simply because you are a wife, does not directly mean you could be a caregiver to your husband. Completely different dynamics. I remember when taking care of my mom, the hospice nurse would come in, I would introduce myself as her daughter, and also state that I am an RN. One replied "well what am I doing here?" I was too stunned to reply "because this is my mother!" Simply because I'm a nurse doesn't mean I will not need someone else to ASSIST me in her care. I just see it as a different dynamic of caring for your mother, than your husband. Hope that helps you.

Thank you Kayc for your kind words. I struggle because my dad is out of state. Right now he just asks that all of us "kids" just call every day and check on him. He's getting very forgetful of late - he is after all 90 years old, and always asks when am I going to come and visit again. UGH! Of the 4 of us, I was the one who always stayed at my parents' house when I visited. He had asked me to stay at the house while taking care of my mom but I needed a respite and would stay with my sister who lives 40 minutes away. I still have that guilt that I wasn't strong enough to stay overnight. I do hope that there will be some co-workers that will not judge and be "okay" with the fact that I am struggling. I know those are the ones that I will latch onto. It's been nearly 4 weeks I've been out of work and always had a very strong work ethic - I just project way too much.

So you can have the background, my mom went into Hospice in February. I took FMLA to be with her until she died February 17, 2015. I'm told I will look back and be happy with that choice. My siblings couldn't do it. She died in peace, with dignity and so pragmatic about her dying. I know she wouldn't want me to be grieving as much as I am. This was a woman whom I never saw cry. I wept at the in-hospice. I wept (I live out of state) the drive home (5 hours!). I wept the drive back to be with her at the end. I wept for my dad who lost his beloved wife of 58 years. I wept at the funeral. I wept the drive back to NY. My siblings all are married and with children. At the funeral they all were able to turn to each other for hugs and embrace for their suffering and I felt so alone. I resent that they have that support. I have dear friends who call and check and tomorrow I go back to work. Good support at my job but I feel so anxious about returning to work? I want to know that I am not falling into an abyss? I wake up every morning and for a brief second I am happy then I remember my mother is gone, my dad is all alone and my heart just drops. I feel weak and have no appetite. Can anyone relate to this? Because I really do feel I'm the only one feeling this way. My siblings whom I am very close with are going on with their lives - my sister just spent the weekend snowmobiling with her husband and two boys. My brother is on a weeks vacation with his wife. Why is this affecting me so intensely and not them?