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brnagn53

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Everything posted by brnagn53

  1. I attended a candlelight memorial service yesterday for all those who had lost loved ones. It was through Hospice and was a very comforting service. There were members of my grief support group there and we were able to comfort a more recent widow. A woman played the harp which made me cry because the sound reminded me of my Kermit(Kim) who played the Autoharp or as some know it as a harpsicord. The song she sang while playing had all of us weeping. Then the chaplain read a beautiful poem which started the tears again. This same chaplain sang to Kim the day he passed. I told him that he had given me a gift that day with the song. A gift he probably didn't even realize he was just singing something that was special to my sweetheart. I told him that the gift he gave me was hope. At the time I was not able to open this gift of song and caring. But I have this past week. When I think of the day my best friend passed I cannot remember the thiness of my husbands body nor the death rattle which at the time was constant. But I remember the song he had sung with such feeling that I was drawn into it without realizing it. The song was "The Old Rugged Cross" and one of Kermit's favorite. I still relive that day as the day I said "See ya later" to my best friend and sweetheart. But I also remember the price my Lord and Savior had to pay for my freedom of sin. I am not trying to be preachy just sharing my thoughts and feelings.I am journaling now and it seems to help get some of my feelings out and onto paper.I still cry and will for a very long time but I can see the beginings of the dawn the faint light that preceeds the sun in my life. I am going to make a trip to New York for a memorial for my sweetheart with his family. I am not real sure how I will take the coming back home to an empty house part of the trip, but the family deserves to have a chance to say goodbye to him too. They were not able to have any closure when thier oldest brother died a year and a half ago.New York is where we met and were married and I have a lot of old friends there to help suport me. I leave on May 13th and wil come back on May 19th. I wil be staying with a friend who lost her mother three years ago. So I will have a kindred spirit to stay with. I am still very much grieving but I can see a difference between last month and this one. Thank you for your prayers as I make this trip to honor my sweetheart.
  2. I had a bad ending to a very rough week. Some friends from church had planned today to help me organize our house. It was a disaster. I did not get asked how I wanted anything. By the time they were done it didn't even look or feel like home. The rooms did not feel familiar at all. Thank goodness I said no to them doing our bedroom. I cried for an hour after they left. I will have to look through boxes they packed up in order to get our house as a sanctuary again . I felt robbed of the peace I felt in the house. I am even crying as I write this. I am wearing a dress jumper with a new Easter shirt under it. This will be my first holiday without Kermit. It has been a Very Hard week.
  3. I too understand your pain. I lost my sweet Kermit just over a month ago. The pain is sometimes overwhelming. I too feel a huge void in my life. Kermit was my best friend and we did everything together the last three years after his retirement. We had an amazing 21 years together. I would not trade one moment of that time. Because those memories help remember him. My grief feels so deep that I don't think I will make it through. But then the grief eases up a bit. I was shocked a couple weeks ago when I actually laughed. But it felt so good to do that. I am beginning to feel like a surfer with wave after wave sweeping over me. But the time between the waves is when I actually see my progress.
  4. I don't understand why this past week was so much harder than the week before. It seemed that everything was a trigger for me. There was no where that I went that something didn't remind me of Kermit. I tried going into a superstore to buy an outfit for Easter. Very bad idea. I had to wait for a cart then the closer I got to the women's department the more anxious I got. By the time I got to the department I felt like everything was closing in around me. I left the cart and practically ran out of the store. I had felt so vulnerable without Kermit. He had always helped me pick out my clothes. The week kind of went downhill from there. I am just starting to feel calmer and not so stressed. Especially social events are really hard right now. I don't have my best friend beside me anymore. I have tried to feel His presence but am not really able to. I do crawl up into papa God's lap often and I feel calmer when I do.My little four legged child Sammy does his best to comfort mommy.
  5. This past week was very hard for me.

  6. The calendar says a little over thirty days have passed.My feels like it has been three. I would like to tell you about my sweet Kermit.He loved music and actually played the guitar, harmonica , keyboard and the autoharp. He loved fishing and just being outdoors. He was a good cook thus I now have to learn to do this again after 21 years. He had such a joy for life and a love for our Lord Jesus. He taught me that I was worth something and was very special to him.When I met him I was a broken mess. Through his love he showed me how precious and treasured I was. He never met a stranger they were just someone he hadn't met yet. When we got married he was my third husband and I was his second wife. I had just a year before lost my second husband to cancer. We had only been married a year before he died. Kermit showed me what love really was. He bought me my wedding gown because I never had on with my previous weddings. At our engagement dinner he bought me my dress, shoes and jewelry. He said he wanted me to feel special. I have felt that way for 21 years. Now you all know a little bit about my sweetheart.
  7. The calendar says a little over thirty days have passed.My feels like it has been three. I would like to tell you about my sweet Kermit.He loved music and actually played the guitar, harmonica , keyboard and the autoharp. He loved fishing and just being outdoors. He was a good cook thus I now have to learn to do this again after 21 years. He had such a joy for life and a love for our Lord Jesus. He taught me that I was worth something and was very special to him.When I met him I was a broken mess. Through his love he showed me how precious and treasured I was. He never met a stranger they were just someone he hadn't met yet. When we got married he was my third husband and I was his second wife. I had just a year before lost my second husband to cancer. We had only been married a year before he died. Kermit showed me what love really was. He bought me my wedding gown because I never had on with my previous weddings. At our engagement dinner he bought me my dress, shoes and jewelry. He said he wanted me to feel special. I have felt that way for 21 years. Now you all know a little bit about my sweetheart.
  8. My husband Kermit passed away on February 20th 2015. We had been married for 21 years. We did everything together and now I am alone. I am ok one minute then sobbing the next. It seems that everything is a trigger. I am having to use medication to be able to get any sleep. I feel so alone. Like part of me has been ripped out. Now my in-laws want to have a memorial service in another state in May. I am not sure how I feel about that. But I know they need closure too. If it wasn't for my cat Sammy I would be totally alone. He is a great comfort to me. My husband and I had no children and no family lives near.
  9. I tried to give through PayPal and they would not allow my payment. I then tried just putting my payment through without PayPal again could not process. Just wanted to let you know.
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