Hi everyone,
I recently found this blog and I've read through some of the entries -- it made me sad to read about others' pain but at the same time, gave me a measure of comfort that we are all in the same boat and there is compassion and understanding. My mom passed away Thanksgiving Day, 2013 at the age of 74 after two very intensive months of rapidly progressive dementia. It was extremely heart wrenching to see a vibrant woman (and former physician) physically and mentally deteriorate before my eyes. Since I spent 12 hours a day, 7 days a week by her side, in many ways I couldn't fathom she was going to pass and I had mere weeks to prepare for it.
Like the original poster, I never had an anxiety attack before so I had the same symptoms like restlessness, heart palpitations, loss of appetite, insomnia, and fatigue about a month after my mom's death. I had been talking to my estranged father (also a physician) who lives in another country and my emotions ranged between deep anger and resentment at him to extreme pain at my mom's absence.
Never in my life have I ever been on such an emotional roller coaster. I hated it because it wasn't me. I feared it because it would become the new me. I was not and have not been on any anti-depressants.
Through Hospice, I began 12 weeks of bereavement group support two months after my mom's passing because I felt I couldn't get through the process alone. The sessions helped because it separated the issues so I could grieve in a healthy manner. For instance, I had to be reminded and remind myself that if my mom continued to live, she would be in a permanent quadriplegic state with no ability to communicate. Her physical deterioration was irreversible and therefore any wish that I had for her not to die was irrational and unrealistic. So I let that thought go. Next, I've learned that my loss was actually three cumulative losses - loss of a parent, colleague, and confidant. As to the first loss, I thought about how my mom had long stopped parenting me. In fact, I took over as her caregiver by taking her to her doctor's appointments, cooking and cleaning, grocery shopping, entertaining her via traveling for many years. As for the second and third loss, these were not exclusive qualities found only in her. I could actually go out and find them (as I should) in a mate. The letter writing exercises were memorable as well because I am able to step into her shoes and provide self-comfort. I recalled the hospice nurse said everything about my mother was already inside me but I just didn't know it yet. In that sense, I would never really be alone because part of her would always be there. (I say only the good part of her, because I can do bad all by myself.)
As my birthday and the one year anniversary death of my mom approached, I felt a new level of sadness. Combined with some anger and hostility issues. I have always had a quick temper and limited patience but after my mom is gone, it had gotten worse. If I am lucky, I could channel it to work productivity (which I have.) Other times, I look for an opportunity to unleash my wrath. To help me, I started one on one bereavement counseling. The therapist suggested I slow whatever causes my anger down, break it apart, and examine it to get to the root of the anger. More often than not, anger is a way to mask pain. I am not sure about that because it doesn't explain why I feel like getting a baseball bat and just beat the pulp out of someone, anyone. That feeling would quickly dissipate if some random person simply strikes a familiar chord with me. The problem is I don't have control over when these good or bad feelings come and go. When my mom was around, I could simply talk to her and everything would feel better. She usually tell me to calm down, relax, and not get bogged down/obsess. When the problem is too big, break it down in smaller chunks to avoid feeling overwhelmed. It worked better when she said it instead of me saying it to myself now.
I do miss my mom, but I miss her most vibrant younger self. She told me that she physically felt like she was going downhill after the age of 70. Although I appreciated her age and wisdom and our ability to connect on an adult level and have deep meaningful conversations, I do not miss watching her grimace at taking her handful vitamins and other medications every day. I also do not miss worrying about her worrying about me as she got older and more fearful. My mom had a great life -- she was high achieving, accomplished her goals, and did things that made her truly happy. Sure there were bumps along the road of life but when you look back, you tend to forget the slights and remember the joys. If daughters eventually turn into their mothers, I get to look forward to a hopeful and content life in my old age.
