Dew's Girl

Working on getting through the day. Today we would be celebrating our 15th wedding anniversary. Here is an excerpt from my latest blog post: "Here's a secret that those of us living with grief share: some dates on the calendar loom much too large. We both live for these key moments of memory and dread them. I am always keenly aware of upcoming dates that were significant to Daniel and me. I plan months in advance how I will deal with them. If I am invited somewhere within the nearby timeframe I am always questioning myself. Will I be ok by then? What might happen to trigger tears? How can I just act normal when my world is so upside down?" http://dewsgirl.blogspot.com/

I am so sorry for your loss. Although I know that this grief journey is unique for each of us, I think I know a bit about what you are going through. If you need someone to talk to, please shoot me an email at amy.willard@gmail.com. Of course, that goes for everyone here.

Hi all. Just checking in. I made a move to a new city and am working hard on finding my way. Just wanted to share a new blog post about how hard it is to be happy. I hope you all are finding some moments of peace. http://dewsgirl.blogspot.com/?m=1 "It's so easy to be sad. It's like a warm, comfortable coat that protects me from letting other people in and from really living life. Being happy is hard."

I have had several men ask me out on dates over the last year. I always politely decline. For me, I know in my heart that no one can come close to Daniel. It would not be fair to those men to not be able to give my heart to them and it is not fair to myself to settle. I do hope to find someone who would like to go out and do things with me in a non-romantic way similar to what Brad describes. I think that would be nice.

Just wanted to share my new blog post with you all. I know you get how hard starting a new year with only half of our heart can be. http://dewsgirl.blogspot.com/

Maryann, you are in my thoughts.

Thanks for all the kindness and support. You all are so awesome. It breaks my heart to think of having the ring sized because I think they cut it and I don't want the circle broken. I don't even know if it could be done as there is a celtic knot engraved around the entire ring. For now I've just moved it over to my middle finger and Daniel's ring is on the pointer finger so they are still together. It feels weird to have my rings finger bare, but at least the weight of the ring is still on my hand.

Serious meltdown this morning. I've been doing so well that it actually shocked me. I've lost weight from this whole grieving thing. I guess I didn't realize how much until my wedding ring fell off this morning. I watched in horror as it slipped off my finger and clanged onto the floor. A moment frozen in time and then sped up as my knees just buckled and I was on the ground sobbing. I have been feeling like I'm moving too far away from my old life with Daniel and this just felt like too much.

Saw this post from Christopher Walken and wanted to share with you all. I hope we all find a way to dance again, even with our limps. “Someday you will be faced with the reality of loss. And as life goes on, days rolling into nights, it will become clear that you never really stop missing someone special who’s gone, you just learn to live around the gaping hole of their absence. When you lose someone you can’t imagine living without, your heart breaks wide open, and the bad news is you never completely get over the loss. You will never forget them. However, in a backwards way, this is also the good news. They will live on in the warmth of your broken heart that doesn’t fully heal back up, and you will continue to grow and experience life, even with your wound. It’s like badly breaking an ankle that never heals perfectly, and that still hurts when you dance, but you dance anyway with a slight limp, and this limp just adds to the depth of your performance and the authenticity of your character. The people you lose remain a part of you. Remember them and always cherish the good moments spent with them.” Christopher Walken

Hi all. Just checking in to see how everyone is doing. Things have been crazy here. I took in a 12 year old whose parents are in prison so my life has been all about getting her settled in. Still missing Daniel like crazy every. single. day. I have so much to tell him.

George, I completely understand what you mean by bittersweet. We were blessed with so many amazing memories of our loves. Reliving them can be a balm but also highlights what's missing. Sometimes that's the best we can do. My 18 months hit in July and was a time of great reflection for me. I'm still working out what to do with the rest of my life and how to live in a way that honors those memories. My wish for you is that today isn't too difficult and that you find moments of peace in the amazing memories you built with your beloved. Your friend, Amy

Today is my birthday. Daniel and I had birthdays only a few days apart and within a few weeks of our anniversary. We always used to plan a big trip around this time to celebrate all three occasions together. I spent the day doing nothing special, but did go have dinner with my family which was nice.

I've found that I am more selfish than I used to be. Selfish might not be the right word. Before I always put everyone else before myself. Now I am much more comfortable saying no or skipping things that I would have felt obligated to go to. I'm much more focused on my feelings and needs than I have ever been in my life up to now. I also find that it is much easier for me to get lethargic or dispirited than ever before. Even when I think I am doing well, I can easily slip back into spending an entire day staring into space or at the TV if I am not careful. When something challenging happens (maybe a household task that Daniel would have handled or a special date) I can end up wasting entire days just lying around in a funk. This is definitely not like I used to be, which was happy and bouncy.

Hi Joyce, I know how you feel. August 11th is my Daniel's birthday too. He would have turned 38 yesterday. It makes me so frustrated that we didn't get more time. I know that is selfish but it's how I feel. Amy