mrundell

This really is a long and lonely road... it's been almost 14 weeks since Don died. It still feels like yesterday. I miss him SO much... I thought it would get easier, but no, it's not easier. It still hurts so much and I still feel empty inside. Tomorrow my sons and I meet with the judge to probate the will... I think I've been in a funk all weekend thinking about this and the finality of Don's will. I hear a song from the 70s or 80s and I'm in tears. I open drawers and just close them. I expect Don to walk into our bathroom in the morning and talk about the recent golf tournament. I'm hoping tomorrow is a step forward, as I can now sell our extra vehicle and handle many of the financial details of our old life. I've decided to "retire" from my job in January. I just can't focus like I just to. My heart isn't in it... I don't know yet what I'm going to do next... I have time to figure out what's next. for me.. I've had the same stressful job for over 23 years. I'm blessed to even have the opportunity to "reinvent" myself. My kids are grown... no grandchildren... so we'll see what God has in store for me. No matter what happens... I love my husband and feel blessed to have shared his life and his love for 28 years. I would give it all to have him back in my life just for day... to hug him and smell him.... to hear his laugh and see his smile and to tell him I love him one more time. And while it's still very painful and the absolutely the hardest thing I've ever experienced.... I'm just a little better today than I was yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that. Thanks for listening. It's so good to know I'm not along on this very long road! Micki

JayNTee..... You are not alone. My husband of 28 years died on April 15, 2015. It seems like yesterday..... It still hurts so bad! No one understands until they've been down this road. I try to take it one day at a time... sometimes, I even fool my self into believing I'm doing okay... then I hear a song on the radio, or I see a picture or just hear a phase... then I'm in tears. I think there are benchmarks... I've made the 90 day mark... but sometimes its almost overwhelming. The sadness is sometimes unbearable. I miss him so much. I'm glad you've found this place. Everyone here is a traveler on this lonely road. Sometime it helps just to vent and to cry. Blessing to you. Micki

Don's been gone 2 months today... I'm still numb but I continue to go through the motions of everyday life. I don't sleep well. I don't eat. I just "am". I try to stay busy... I've cleaned out his side of the closet. I've learned to shop for one at the grocery store. I have dinner one or twice a week with friends. I'm working on probating the will so that I can sell the extra truck. I've received all the life insurance money....I've closed out his credit cards and bank accounts. I'm wrapping up all the details of his life that he left behind. I keep lists so I don't forget what I've done.... I find I forget the little things. Everyone asks "how are you doing?"..... From the outside it looks like I'm doing great... going through the motions of life. But, what am I suppose to say? I doing the best I can, but I realize he'd not coming back... period. I won't see or touch or hear him again in this life. I talk to him EVERYDAY and some days, I can almost hear his voice. I miss him so much. I'm not bitter... I'm blessed to have shared his life and his love. My son seems to be okay. He's 23 and he's sad because he thinks of all the life events his dad will miss. He misses talking to him about sports and life.... he too is existing. So... I have survived the first two months without him... my new normal. I've learned that I can exist without him, and that I can be alone. The new normal is no longer "new". It's reality. There is no going back, only going forward. Some days are HARD, some days are SAD, and some days just are.....days... moving toward the next milestone in this very long journey. Thanks for listening..... Micki

Yesterday I got a card from the Eye Bank thanking me for donating Don's eyes and helping him give the gift of sight to someone else. That card meant so much to me. It helped me remember how proud he would be in helping someone. I also thought how great it was that his beautiful green eyes live on. How special is that? Don had the greenest eyes I've ever seen. I'm still so sad, but those special moments make the pain go away... at least for a few moments. Peace to all... one day at a time. Micki

Mitch... belated happy birthday. I know how hard it is to have a birthday without your soulmate I lost Don the week before my birthday. We'd planned to get away for my birthday... we always did something special. This year was so different. No romantic getaway, no flowers, no card... it was HARD. It's now almost 5 weeks since Don died... I too am going through the motions... get up, feed the dogs, go to work, smile and act like I'm okay, then come home to being ALONE! So different. So sad. So hard. Sometimes I just want to run away and try to forget... but then I realize I don't have Don to run away with. All my friends are getting back to their lives and I understand that. They have their life to live... and I get that. But I no longer have my "life"... Yes, I'm greatful for a once in a lifetime love, and I have great memories. I realize I have to reinvent my life in the new "normal". I don't have a choice. I was a "we", now I'm just a "me". Take care of yourself and remember you're not alone. There are others sharing your pain. Micki

Now that Mother's Day is over....I feel empty. Both my son's were home and we went to my neice's house for lunch. We even went and got my 92 year old mother for lunch. It was nice to be around others and of course, seeing my boys is always a treat! Once everyone was gone and my son left, I felt so loney... missing Don... remembering just last year, when we'd made breakfast together and then spent the day with family. He'd always remember flowers and never forgot the card. I'm just so sad. I miss him so much. I get through each day... going through the motions of life... smiling, talking, working,.... but inside I'm scared, overwhelmed with grief and so alone. I keep busy and try not to think of my pain... but sometimes, tears are the only answer. Micki

Today was my son's 23rd birthday. It was hard for both of us, but we had homemade chicken fried steak and gravy and laughed then cried about the first time cooking with salt again. I feel so sad for Drew. His dad had always made his birthday special. He was the considerate parent who did all the special things... I am the strict one... making the rules and being the heavy. Don was just so easy going. We tried for years to have Drew... my husband was nearly 40 when he was born. My older son James was 5 when Don and I married, but Don loved him just as much as he did Drew. He was a great dad. Drew is sad for all the "firsts" his dad will miss in his life. I tell him to cherish his memories and know that his dad loved him and is watching over him. But I know he's hurting too and I can't really help him. I also had to meet with the attorney today about probating Don's will... that was tough. All the legal stuff is overwhelming. I had to come home and look for copies of various papers... of course they weren't where I thought they were. In any case, I had to go through drawers and paper stacks... Everytime I'd see notes he wrote, little stuff he'd kept, pictures and drawings he'd made... my heart breaks. Of course, I didn't find what I was looking for so who knows were the papers are.... not to mention the battery in my safe died... I had to go on the internet and find out how to change the battery... really? That was always something Don took care of. I'm rethinking my goal to have his side of the closet cleaned out by the end of this month. I'm still too raw....the pain is still so intense. Having this group to share my thoughts and feelings with helps so much! I know we don't "know" each other, yet we share a common pain... one that I don't think every really goes away. Each day is one more day in I make it through without Don, some are better than others. The new normal is not normal at all... it scary and painful and lonely. Micki

Mitch... I know your struggling... I too can't seem to get past the continual saddness that engulfs me. I try to stay busy... but that only works for so long. I know Don wouldn't have wanted me to be sad for long... we had too great a life together. I try to remember the gifts we'd shared (we had almost 4 years since he "coded" the first time). Its hard to believe that the special happiness we shared is gone. But the memories remain, and I realize, not everyone has or will ever have a "great" love. I was blessed. If I die tomorrow, I'll be okay. Remember the good and the love. It will see you through. Micki

Today I went to church for the first time since Don passed. I thought I'd be fine, but suddenly, I couldn't breath.... too many memories. I remembered when we'd first joined the church and our kids where young... I realized we'd watched the kids that are now graduating high school grow up. I was so sad. I made it to the car and I just lost it. Then, I went and visited my mother in law. That was sad too. She cried about HER loss... I realize she lost her son.... but he was 62! I lost my life partner and love of my life. I know I should be more compassionate, but I just can't... not yet anyway. I then went to work.... the one place where I can have "normal".... the one place I think I have a sense of control.... Bottom line... this is so hard! I still can't bring myself to clean out his side of the closet...though I set a goal to have it done by the end of this month. My son is struggling too. He's 23 and doesn't want to go to summer school... saying he just needs a break to get his thoughts together. Its nice having him here. Having him and my dogs here make getting through each day possible. The pain continues.... Micki

Thank you everyone... I'm trying to figure out how to manage this difficult road. One minute I'm fine, the next I'm lost.... I have to hope and pray it will get better. Micki

Terri... Your story was touching. I too had a one in a life time love. My husband passed on April 15, 2015 after 4 years fighting congestive heart failure. We were married 28 years. I lost my best friend... my other half. I miss him so much. But being here on this site has helped. Just knowing I'm not alone and that there are others out there that understand this pain and the feeling of being lost and scared. Knowing there are people who understand is priceless. Thank you for sharing. Micki

I'm so sorry for your pain Mitch.... I too have had a rough few days. I've been traveling for work, and somehow, last night I had one of those moments... moments when the pain was crushing that I could hardly even breath. Today, I'm traveling home and its all I can do not to cry as I wait for my flight. I miss Don so much. I feel so empy inside. It's like I'm me... but I'm not. I may never be me again... at least the me I was. Micki

Thank you everyone. Yesterday was an other rough day... My son and I placed Don's urn in his nitsche at the columbarium yesterday morning. That was hard, but at least that part is done. Now as I sit at home... where do I begin. I start going through a drawer and I stop... I just don't have it in me yet to go through any of his stuff. I decided I won't try again for a while. Right now I'm just numb. While we knew Don didn't have a lot of time (he had CHF), and I did think I was prepared... I wasn't. I don't think anything can prepare a person for the worst hurt of their life. Thanks for all the support of this group. It's nice to know I will get through this. Micki

It's been 8 days since I lost my husband Don. Today is my birthday. We were suppose to be together and we're not. I miss him so much. I try to stay busy.... I've gone back to work... although I can't concentrate, but its good to be around "my work family". Today, friends took me to dinner. I was doing okay until I wasn't. It still hurts so bad. Micki

Oh Amy... That is beautiful! Don left 6 songs that he'd picked out for his service. The first time I picked up his iPod and listened to his most recent playlist... I lost it. Then I listened to the words and melodies of the songs he'd choosen. One was "voices in the sky", and it stays with me. I think he choose each to one of the songs to express his love and his feelings about death. It makes me cry... but at the same time it gives me peace. It is a week today.... I miss him so much... the fog is endless. It still hurts so much. Its comforting to be able to reach out to others who have been here and know what this feels like. Micki