Guppy2006

I'm so sorry Lori, I can feel your pain, confusion and anger. I also lost my husband April 17, 2015 and can not bring myself to do anything because everything reminds me of him. Just sitting on the porch last night was hard because the sounds of the neighborhood mowing lawns, grilling and getting ready for summer. We had so many plans for the summer and I can't imagine doing anything without him. We were raising our 4 Grandkids (10, 9, 7 and 2) together. I can't imagine the struggle you must go through every day trying to stay strong for them but hurting inside. I have been unable to go back to work and the kids are staying with their Aunt until I can function a little bettter. Hopefully you can find some support systems in your area that can help you through the lonliness and anger. People tell me it takes time to heal but I can't think of a time where I won't miss him dearly and long for him to be here with us. I go through each day like a robot, ding the things I need to but none of it seems important anyore. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your little ones!

My wonderful husband passed away 2 weeks ago from heart commplications caused by cancer. He was only diagnosed in February and passed away so quickly. My Dad also battled lung cancer but appeared to be in remission. I have to explain the situation before I write why I feel guilty. My Dad was in the Army and met my Mom in Germany. We traveled a lot in my younger years but I mostly grew up in Germany. We moved to the states when I was 14 years old. Within 4 months, my Dad fund another Girlfriend and left his family. Through the years, he made no effort to contact us and when we tried to contact him, he was not overly receptive. He eventually married and had 3 more children to his wife. This new family replaced my 2 brothers and I which left us heartbroken. During the last few years, I have ran into him and we speak but have not gotten close. I do remember him as being a great Dad while I was growing up but had a lot of resentment for his treatment of us after he left. My husband only met my dad once and when he was diagnosed, I ran into my Dad. We talked about his treatment and my husbands start of treatment. (My dad has aso had 2 quadruple bypasses). When my husband passed away, My Dad atttended the memorial and I made the comment to my Mom "Why couldn't he have died instead of my Paul?" two days later, I find out that my Dad's cancer had come back and spread to his liver and kidney. He is not expected to live long and now I feel bad about the comment I made. It just seems everythng is falling apart and I have not even adjusted to the loss of my husband yet. I feel so much resentment for those who are enjoying life while mine is falling apart

Dear Lori, I can feel your pain and confusion. You didn't fail your husband, you tried to make them listen. I sit and question a lot of what happened throughout my Husband's sickness and the night he passed away. These questions will forever haunt me but will not bring him back. My husband had stage 4 cancer and was only diagnosed on February 7, 2015. We remained hopeful and confident that he would beat it. The night he passed away, the doctor told me that his blood had thickened so his heart had a hard time pumping the bood which caused him to go into cardiac arrest. Why wasn't he on bood thinners? I often think that because he was stage 4 and the doctors had no hope for his survival, they did not do what they could to keep him with me longer. I feel for you and hope you find some comfort in the coming months Be gentle with yourself-you did what you could and I'm sure your husband would understand and appreciated your efforts.

Sorry for your loss Teri, I am also new to this forum and was never one to spend time on the computer except to check my e-mails. My Husband passed away on April 17th, 2015 and I still cannot work or take care of my grandkids (who we were raising together) or simply go into the community. Everything reminds me of him and I feel everyone that was there to support me during the services have moved on...they don't call anymore or stop by just to visit. My husband and I were married in 2004 and right before he died were making plans for the upcoming summer. I liked your comparing it to the Alice in wonderland because it does still feel like a dream and EVERYTHING is not as it should be. My work reguires me to provide therapy to Children who deal with behavioral issues and their families. I have been unablle to return because just the thoought of helping them with their issues seems too much to bear when I am in need of my own therapy. And I am so afraid of going back to work because then I feel I'm expected to "snap out of it". I have always considered myself a strong person, but realize now that he was the rock who made me strong. I don't want to be around peole but I also don't want to be alone. Make any sense? My youngest daughter is watching the children for me until I feel I can care for them without melting down every few minutes. I feel guilt because they are also grieving and worry about my job but on the other hand I don't care about anything. Again, make any sense? last night I made a llist of goals to work on which included several basic things such as going to get blood work, going to the grocery store and getting my hair done. Things that I thought would be easy to start with. However, I got to the hosital for my blood work and instantly had a melt down because that was where my husband was taken before he died and I remembered the numerous trips we made to see the doctors and his surgeries. Needless to say, did not get any of my goals completed but will try again tomorrow and the next day and the next and the next. My Mom told me to go to a grief support group in the hospital but becase it is so difficult to be around others, I came to these forums instead. I can write and cry at the same time and reading the stories of courage and endurance will surely help along this desolate path of self destruction. I can feel your pain with every word you wrote and I'm sorry that you also have to go through this horrible readjustment in life. I hope we both find the strength to see the brightness in the world again. Bless you!

Thank you, it does help to talk about how I'm feeling and although the Grandkids appear to be adjusting, I know they are grievig as well. I have been taking each day as it comes and have been looking into grief counseling. It's just so hard to be in the house where we lived together but just as bad going out and seeing everyone go about their normal lives and mine is so torn apart. My youngest daughter has tried to help but does not understand the pain I feel. I lost my brother 3 years ago and it was also devastating because we were so close. But my husband was there to support me and helped me through that pain. This pain is so much deeper because my husband and I were a team and everythng I did, I did for or with him. It was better when his family was here because a piece of him was here in them. Now they are back to their normal lives and I can't bear the thought of each day waking up without him. It helps to read the posts of those who have experienced the same pain and gves me a little hope.

I recently lost the love of my life. My Husband of 10 years died on April 17th of cardiac arrest. My husband and I raised my 10 year old Grandson since birth and last year in April, we got my three youngest grandchildren 9, 7 and 2. We moved into a bigger house in June of 2014 to have room for everyone. We never really liked the new place and the neighborhood and talked about looking for another place soon. On February 6th, In October of 2014, My husband started complaining of severe back pain but we contributed it to the move and his job (Walks alot). In January, he went to the doctors for a cold and cough. The doctor took a CT scan and found a spot on his lungs which he said was probably pneumonia. He was put on antibiotics but never seemed to get better. On February 6th of this year, he collapsed because he said he right leg simply gave out on him. I insisted we go to the Emergency room. The doctor again took tests and found a spot on his spine. Was not sure what it was so he sent him to Danville medical center to get tested. The doctors there did an MRI and found my husband had cancer throughout his body. They believe the primary was Lung cancer but had spread to the bones, the brain, the liver and the abdomin. We were devastated but determined to fight. He was scheduled for radiation and chemotherapy. The following weeks were hard with the treatments and having to travel long disctances for radiation but he continued to be strong. In March, He did not gett sick during treatment but did become very weak. In March, he could not get out of bed anymore and lost the use of his legs. I became the primary cargiver but enlisted my daughters to help so I could continue working part time. My Mother-in-law came to visit and helped out for 2 weeks before having to return home. On April 17th, He was in good spirits and ordered takeout for the kids (He was craving hot wings). I called my youngest daughter to come keep an eye on him and the grandkids so I could pick up the food. As I was pulling out, I heard my daughter yell "Call 911, he's having a heart attack". My husband was in excruciating pain and the EMS said he was having a heart attack and were life flighting him to Danville. While they were waiting for the helicopter, he went into cardiac arrest and they took him into the Emergency room. His heart stopped twice and they put in a breathing tube. When I seen him, he had a tear coming out of the side of his eye and I told him to continue fighting. He was life fligted to Danville for a catherization and I followed in my car.The trip takes over an hour and on the way, I did alot of thinking. contemplating what he was going through and the talks we had. He was adamant about not wanting to be kept alive by machine. So when I got to the hospital, I spoke to the doctor and told him that my husband did not want to be kept alive by machine. We waited until 2 of his brothers could come to the hospital (He was the oldest of 6 boys) and had them take him off the breathing machine. My husband died within minutes. This has been the worst nightmare I have ever lived through. I have been unable to go back to work because I work as a Behavioral secialist and therapist for Children andd unable to be sympathetic or compassionate to others right now. I am not suicidal and know deep down I will get through but do not see any light at the end of the tunnel right now. I joined this group to be able to express my sorrow and hopefully find my way out of this dark grief somehow. I want to be able to move on with him in my heart but live life again but he was my reason for living and although I have the grandkids (Who are staying with their aunt until I feel better), I can not imagine life without him.