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Grief Healing Discussion Groups

LoriM

Contributor
  • Posts

    9
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Previous Fields

  • Date of Death
    3/16/15
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    N/A

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    New Braunfels, TX
  1. I am really getting worried here. I woke up this morning with things to do, and I am so foggy brained. I walk around from place to place and keep self-talking to myself what exactly I am suppose to do. I am so overwhelmed and I have so many things to do. If grief isn't bad enough. I really don't know what to do that will make me think clearly. Vitamins, meditation, exercise, what? I can't even sit still. Would getting on a antidepressant help? I feel so stupid and I just want more than ever to hide. I have time today to get things done without the kids and I am just pacing and have done nothing in three hours. It took me forever to clean the kitchen. I need to organize my calendar so I don't keep missing appointments, but I can't. I can't ask for help because most of the stuff that needs to be done is something that I need to do (go to the bank, deal with insurance companies, sell the truck, go to DMV, ETC). I am so tearful. I couldn't remember something very important and I just couldn't find it anyhere in my brain, nothing that connected to it so I could remember. I am going crazy.
  2. I am simply all over the place these days. My grief has taken a hold of me and I am just one brain fog mess My husband passed away in March, he had cancer for over 3 years, and I was the only caregiver, two children, homeschool mom. Yes. When I write it, even I get overwhelmed. Oh, did I mention that both parents have passed, and there really is no family. Yes, friends, but you know, they have their own lives. This is my life. I sit here today with over 3 years of caregiving and watching my dear husband suffer. He was the love of my life and I saw him suffer and die. Then I came home alone, the next day having to tell my kids on the couch that daddy passed away, their cries will sadden the depths of my heart forever, then planning the memorial, then soon after my 9 year old son having such a difficult time with anger that I had to take him to a behavioral center for help, then I had to put him on meds which was a difficult decision that I had to make on my own, of course. I can't even walk down my stairs and look at our family pictures, and I can't even look at photos of my husband when I am alone, because it hurts too bad. I am carrying loads of tears from my children, and I have to take my grief in very small pieces, Along with this, I can't sleep until after 2;00 because somewhere in my brain it associates it with the time I came home after my husband died. This week I had a few hours to deal with paperwork, bllls, phone calls, etc and just stared at the computer. Literally stared into space. I couldn't remember what I was suppose to do and just couldn't grasp the order and details of things. I forget things, I can't remember how to get to places, I feel so crazy. I think I might have early alzheimers or something or maybe this is the grief. I have to much to do. I also have so much to learn. How can I learn when my brain isn't working? My husband took care of the computers and cars and big things. I had to install this box thing to get my internet to work and the tech on the phone told me to connect it to the router. I almost had a breakdown. What the H is a router? I just keep moving, taking the kids to their classes, and doing my best. Oh, and I smile, yes, have to smile when someone asks, "how are you?" I hate that question. As far as talking to someone or venting, I want to and then I think, "no, there is nobody" I mean, anyone that would understand. I miss my husband so much that it just aches. I thought he would be with me until we were old. I am angry that there are old people holding hands, and that's all I wanted. I want to scream to God, "LET UP!" Oh, and today, when I mentioned something to someone about my foggy brain. They were trying to be helpful, but then "advised" me to volunteer at a homeless shelter or adopt a grandparent. I am sorry, I am all into volunteer services, I have done it all my life, serve. How in the world could I give one more ounce of myself? My kids need me and geez, I have a mountain of "to do's" and I can't even think. I think that innocent comment really set me over the edge.
  3. I went to a few meeting at a group through the hospice here in town. There was a BBQ and then I sat down. This man with his son sat down across from me (there were tons of other places to sit). I could tell he wanted to talk and frankly I just wanted to eat. He asked me questions and just would not stop talking. I am at a Grief Support Group!! The last thing I wanted to do was to be picked up. I don't even want to go again....I won't. I just wanted to feel supported tonight and write my husband's name on the balloon. GEEZ.
  4. LoriM

    Life Coach

    Thank you for that information. I am discovering how deep this grief goes, on so many levels because i was the caretaker for my husband. I am so completely exhausted and I have two children. One is ANGRY and takes it out on me. He is where I put all my energy and I have no time to even grieve. It's just exhausting. I am going to a bereavement center next week to get more information. He is seeing a play therapist in town, maybe for three sessions, and they go in a room and I never know what happens. I don't think her speciality is grieving. I need someone to tell me about how he is doing and give me tools. I am seeing someone and she is really good. Really listens to me. I saw her four times and I am really happy with her so far. For the Life Coach, I heard that they can help you organize you life, basically. I feel so ADD (or maybe it's adrenaline mode for so many years) and i can't seem to get on top of papers, my life, or anything. I can't even make a goal or two and carry it out. I want to, but my brain blocks. I just need someone to come along side me , so I can feel like I am making some headway in my life. I don't even know what I like or don't like, and goals are just something I have been thinking about for a long time.
  5. I am certainly not in New Beginning phase of my life, my husband recently passed. I am so out of sorts, my brain is so foggy and has been for close to four years from the moment I became a caregiver, homeschool mom, etc. I forget things and I feel like I have an onset of ADD or something. PHew.. One more thing to manage. Has anyone heard of a life coach? What are your thoughts? Where can I find a good one?
  6. I absolutely agree. That is the last thing on my mind and I am stronger than that, I would never remarry to avoid these difficult feelings of loss of my husband. I don't need someone to come and take care of me and protect me. I can do that. I just miss my soul mate terribly, and frankly I can't even think or even give to another person in a healthy way. My heart will always be for Rob.
  7. I had a few hours to myself today, without the kids, and I felt motivated to do some shopping since it's so hot in Texas (it's our first year here) that I needed some summer clothes. It didn't take me long to just get down and feel all kinds of emotions. I felt guilty for shopping, spending money, and doing something for myself, then I felt like "why even bother?", and then I felt lonely because of all the happy and jolly people around. I also saw lots of families and couples. All that and I just had to hurry back home. I can't do this without my husband. We never even got to enjoy life with our children, we had so many plans, we talked about what we would do, and all of our dreams. He got cancer when the kids were just at an age where we could really do things with them. I feel so lonely, we always had our conversations and I come home and tell him all about my day. He would say, "then what happened?" and after awhile, as he wasn't able to do too much, I was his link to the outside world. I see his truck and I think, "he's home" and he's not home. How am I suppose to make sense of this? How am I suppose to be around others, other couples, other families, and just deal with it? I just want him back. I am also angry at God. I am. I am a Christian, but I am just plain old angry. I didn't have a good upbringing, no father, no grandfather, no uncles (the men in my life didn't exist), then my sister gets married and he leaves her, her children don't get a father figure, then I get married (my first marriage) to someone that I thought loved me, but that was all distorted and he leaves me, then I find my Rob. The sweetest man, ever. I thought God answered all my prayers. Then I wasn't able to have children, and that was hard, but we adopted two precious children. For once in my life I got to see that beautiful picture of a father and children in a healthy loving way. I was so happy my children will experience what I never had. Then we got the diagnoses of Stage 4 cancer when my children were 6 and 4 years old. I thought, "no, surely this can't be". But it was. We faithfully prayed and my husband was so strong in his faith. Prayers were answered, but there was no healing. Not that we deserved a miracle more than the next person, but we just kept on praying. It was a nightmare, he had 8 surgeries, radiation, chemotherapy, and a ton of complications. We saw him suffer silently, and be the greatest warrior, just to spend one more moment with us. All he wanted was to take my son to a baseball game or take my daughter to the Valentine's dance. Just be a "normal" family. Then he died. I am left without the love of my life. I don't have family and yes, many friends, but they all have their lives and families. I don't want to be lonely and angry, but I just wish God could have had a little favor on our situation, if not for me, but for the kids. I mean, there isn't even an uncle or grandparent. Nobody to teach my son "guy" stuff, and I now have to do MORE than I already have been doing. The other day, I was trying to figure out how to help my son fix something mechanically, and I just wanted to cry. Ok, sorry everyone, I really went all over the place here! Today was tough. I feel lonely and just so empty inside, going through the motions. Plus I ended up without summer clothes.
  8. I am so stuck here. I can't even think about this, but I went ahead and thought about it and made a call to EMT. My husband had stage 4 cancer for over 3 years, since December things got worse. The tumors in his liver were growing, tumors in his chest were growing, more tumor in his neck, and not to mention many other issues. My husband had his adrenal glands out in June of 2014 because the cancer was causing something called Cushings. With no adrenal glands, we took artificial hormones in pill form. We knew that in the event of an emergency, called an adrenal crisis, we were to administer this injection, CorticoSolut. The night before, he was coughing quite a bit, but that was something "normal" to us, I mean, he always coughed and spit up stuff. It was more than usual, but we still watch a show and I wrapped his legs (he had terrible edema). The next morning is when it all happened. When the EMT came, I told them that he doesn't have adrenal glands and he needed the Cortico injection. I went to the truck to get it in his fanny pack, and brought it to them. They said they don't need it, assuming they had it and were going to give it to him. I think I mention the injection about 7 times, not sure why, I just kept saying it. Even when I was in the front seat of the ambulance, I mentioned it again. It was like I was INVISIBLE to everyone and that my voice was just NOISE to everyone. Me, the caregiver and wife, that knew every single thing about my husband, every sound, every movement (crying now), everything, I knew which vein was good, where his scares were located, etc. Why don't medical personelle acknowlege the caregiver as the most important person in the room? We know our loved ones. SO, I had to know whether or not the Cortico was administered. I received the record today, and it was not. The worst nightmare came true. I failed my husband. I should have done it myself. it would have saved him from one more suffering. I pray he will forgive me. I know he was a sick man (words of the doctor), but they didn't do what they were suppose to do. In June, I called the fire department and made sure they put a flag in the system that our address had a cancer patient that did not have adrenal glands. As I sat there in the ambulance, I saw it on the screen even. They didn't administer it and they didn't even have it with them. Even when we went to the emergency room, I handed the nurse his bag of medications and I told them he didn't have adrenal glands. I want to get the hospital report. I mean, I don't know if this would have changed the outcome, but if I could have had one more conversation with him. I don't know what to think or feel. I just keep saying, "I am so sorry" to my husband. I feel like a failure and I should have done something more.
  9. My husband passed away on March 16, 2015. He had stage 4 cancer for over three years, this included 8 surgeries, one radiation treatment, and three stages of chemo drugs. We have two children, age 7 and 9. Both my parents have passed away and my husband's father passed away...this was all before the cancer was diagnosed. So, basically, it's been just us. We have fought the cancer with all our might and prayed with everything we had inside us. My husband wanted to live so bad, and we were just crazy about him. He loved us so much. The years have been exhausting for me, for us, and we had to accept a new " normal". That new normal often meant me being alone while my husband went to the cancer center, or the days when he wasn't well. But, our relationship grew deeper and those silent times became the most precious. My children have seen suffering at all different levels, the emotional and physical. They have been through so much. There have been a few "scares" along the way where I thought we would lose him, but he seemed to always make it. We just hoped and prayed. He had a major neck surgery, where they had to take out large tumors that were getting ready to grow out of his neck and into his skin and skull. They took about 24 inches of muscle and skin from his thigh to replace the large hole in his neck from taking out the tumors. I am telling you this because I want you to understand what we have been through, mainly what the kids have seen. He started decline more after the surgery, and became weaker. Again, we have had scares in the past, and we thought he would make it out of this one. I think my husband's determination, fight, and most of all, faith always convinced me that it would be ok. That morning I woke up and saw him on the floor. I can't go past that in my mind, I know what happened exactly, but I just can't deal all the details in my mind that haunt me. I keep thinking, "that wasn't my husband". My husband was not cancer and he was not the man that they brought downstairs and took to the ER. He was a Marine and the most precious human being I have ever known in my life. He endured so much pain for so long, just to be with us another day. Then came the day after...that's when I had to tell the kids that daddy died. Who does that, you know? I am stuck in my words when people ask, "how are you?" I feel like I am on an isolated island. I mean, I had to sit down on the couch with my children and tell them daddy is not coming home from the hospital, and that he died. The cries and their pain is something I can't explain as a mother. It has been a month now and it's been tough. Honestly, I don't know how I am feeling. I think maybe for so long, I just didn't feel or something. Or maybe it was complete exhaustion as a caregiver and then not going into death with a "clear head". I was already beaten, now this takes it a step further. I can't seem to open my eyes in this dark. When I walk downstairs and see my husband's picture, I can't even look. I nurture my children and their pain, and that's all I have the strength to do right now. I feel like a robot, and I wonder why I can't feel. I go to church and I can't even worship. What is wrong with me?
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