magdalyn

Wow. Thanks for sharing that, I can tell that it has brought you peace. It is so true! Sometimes we forget about God's Will, but it is a very powerful thing.

Hi all. Thanks for all of your support. The memorial turned out to be so appropriate for my father. As I said, this is the first time that I have seen any of them since before my father's death. It was something I think we all needed, though. And I was wrong about the disconnection. All I felt was warmth and togetherness. It was like the final chapter of closure, and a new beginning in his honor. We planted a tree and flowers around it in the backyard of my Grandma's house, the house that he grew up in. Now I feel as if I when I visit her, I can also visit that special spot for him. I was able to share my experience with them, and they shared good memories they had of them. My husband videoed it so I will always be able to watch it. Of course it was very emotionally draining. Whatever tears I had not cried before, just came rolling out. It was a good release. There was a tree that fell in my Grandma's yard the day he died. So we made a big bonfire of the old wood, and planted the new one in it's place. I brought a piece of the wood home. And I have to say that the hardest, hardest part of grief is the emotional draining. Thanks again for listening, and the encouragement. You all are truly a godsend. XOXO Magdalyn

Hi all. Tomorrow thru Sunday I will be going to my Grandma's house for a belated memorial for my dad. Some of his bros/sister will be there, and this will also be the first time i have seen any of them since he passed over 2 months ago. I am having this weird issue of feeling like i am no longer a part of the family since he is gone now. I felt like thru some weird way that he was my connection to his side of the family, even though he was estranged from all of them. I really hope this isn't the case and I don't know why I am feeling this way. I hope it is just all in my head. Anyway, this all has been really hard for me. Even though we didn't have a good relationship, just knowing that I did have a Dad out there was always comforting, and his family was my connection to him, and now he is gone. What is that saying, "Just one more day with him?" That is really hitting home right now. If I could just have one more day with him, if I could have just got to the hospital earlier when he was still coherent. I am so sorry Dad. Sad today, Magdalyn

I don't know why but i checked out the "loss of sibling" posts tonight. It got me thinking about things. Two weeks and one day after our dad passed on August 26 of this year, my brother got in a really bad car accident when he was coming home from assessing our dad's property with our uncle. It happened on a Sunday night (Sept 10), and I got a call early Mon morning that my brother (who is only 13 mos older than me) was hit by an 18-wheeler and that he had been airflighted out of his state to intensive care 3 states away from me. I had just lost my dad, and had seen my brother quite recently because of it. Needless to say, I flew out to the hospital where he was. I thought I was losing him too! Well he came out of it alive, but he says his first recollection was of me and my husband three days later in the hospital. He was so banged up. Now he will have metal plates in his jaw and eye socket for the rest of his life. I am thankful that I didn't lose him, but it seems like there is a part of him that is gone. He is not himself anymore. He is so discouraged now. Plus he volunteered to take care of our dad's financial issues, and now he has to deal with lawyers from his accident and legal issues from our dad's death. After reading all your posts, I am so sorry for all of you. I love my siblings dearly. I have one full brother (the one in the accident), one half-sister and one half-brother. XOXO Magdalyn

Well it looks like we can share that anniversary (my dad passed on Aug 26). I think the balloon idea was great, and I hope it helped you. I am sure he was watching, and was with you. And congratulations, you made it through one year! Magdalyn

It sounds like you and your mom were really,really close, and that she knew the Lord. My mom (still living) is also the one that brought the Lord into my life at a young age, and that is the best gift she could have ever given me. And you are passing that on to your son, and church is a good place for him to be, so you are doing the right thing by making sure he goes. My kids both love church, in fact my daughter got saved at a Billy Graham crusade when she was six years old (raised her hand all by herself). I am sure that both God and your mom know you are having a hard time with attending Sundays right now, and they know you will go when you are ready, and that you are trying your best by still attending other services. That is the best you can do. And if you're not ready, you're just not ready, besides the fact that you are having major hot flashes!!! Take care and I'll be praying for you. XOXO Magdalyn

I remember the first service that i went to after my dad passed. I was weeping my heart out during the worship part, and I had to ask the lady next to me for Kleenex. I too was afraid that I would do that, and I did, (but not a hot flash-can't imagine) and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I know everyone around me thought I was completely crazy. But the Lord still really spoke to me and looking back it was a time of healing and the fact that I got renewed far more outweighed that fact that i lost it in church. Plus I sat in the back row. You might try that, in case you need to leave again. I would give it a try, it sounds like God is really trying to meet you there, and he will bring healing. As I kept going back (I don't go regulary, just when i can), it got easier and easier. I don't know if your mom knew the Lord, but if she did i am sure that she would want you to be in church on Sundays, the day she passed, and she will be right by your side. And the good thing is that you make sure your children still go, even if you don't. Well, I hope this helps a little. God bless. XOXO Magdalyn

I am so glad you found this site, and that you posted. My dad (also estranged) died in August, and I found this site almost right away. It has really helped just to sort my feelings out, and compare experiences with others, and sometimes just vent! When I saw your post, I could instantly relate. My dad had estranged himself from his entire family, including his 11 brothers and sisters and his mom, and his two children, me and my brother. He died of alcohol related issues at the age of 56. I too missed an opportunity to visit him a year ago. but I was so fortunate in that my brother called me when he was dying, and I was able to be at the hospital. Of course he wasn't responsive, but I think he knew I was there. I can just imagine your frustration with your sister not saying anything to you. I am sure you are very angry about that( I would be), and I am sure you are feeling guilty about not being around in his later years, as I was and am. And I am sure you are just beside yourself with unanswered questions and overwhelming grief and shock. For now, just be kind to yourself, and allow yourself to grieve. You didn't CHOOSE not to be there when he died, no one TOLD you. Even though my dad's family knew that he was dying, my brother and I were still the only ones there at his bedside. And I know that if you knew he was dying, you would have been there in an instant. Take solace in that. But, it sounds like you have some good memories of him, and those are the things that are going to get you through this. The first few days and weeks are gut-wrenching, but you will get through them. I am sure he knew how much you loved him, and I am sorry that you couldn't say goodbye. In a way you did get to say goodbye to him by sending him those cards over the last year. I would write my dad with no response or call either, and maybe like your dad, he was just so far gone in his disease that he couldn't answer me. That is also the sad part, that they let themselves get so far gone. Hang in there and keep coming back, we are all here for you, and i will be praying for you that you find some comfort. XOXO, Magdalyn

Maybe you could try sending a card, email or letter letting him know how you feel. Like your husband said, guys think differently. He may not even realize that he hurt your feelings by this. But I can understand wanting to go to their house and feel like you are "visiting" your mom by being around her things. XOXO Magdalyn

Bee May, I think what you wrote was a good way to let your sister know how you feel. It is not good to let it build up, and it seems like you did that for a while, and you just couldn't take it anymore. She may have not liked what she heard, but she had to read it, and I am sure that she is thinking about it. She will come around eventually and thank you for it. When my dad passed, I too said some things to my sister that I think she needed to hear. When we are experiencing grief, all our emotions seem to surface, isn't that strange? Then she came back and did the same thing to me. And it hurt, but I tried to listen to what she had to say. She almost died of encephalitis a few years back, and she seems to think that she has all the answers now that she was given a new chance at life. Well I do have a few years on her, and I let her know that she can learn from me too. We all think we are so right all of the time, but we need to realize that we can always use others take on things, whether we want to hear it or not. And eventually we may or may not realize what they are trying to say. Hopefully this will happen with your sister. You did the right thing!!! Good luck with your sister, and hang in there for your dad. You are doing the right thing by being supportive for him. XOXO, Magdalyn

Thanks to everyone that answered me. It helps to know that others can relate to my relationship with my dad. I sincerely appreciate you all opening up and sharing things that i know were hard to share. I really can't talk to alot of people about my dad because i just don't really think they would understand, people like my mother-in-law. She really doesn't know the specifics, and I really don't think I will ever share it with her. But thanks for letting me vent, and for listening. Love to all, Magdalyn

After reading alot of posts, I have come to the conclusion that I may be the only one on here that lost a dad that they did not have a close relationship with. How's does this make me feel? Even worse. However, when he died on August 26, I was so sad. And I still am. My parents divorced when I was five. I then only saw him a handful of times growing up, and then for a few months when I was 19 i lived with him. Then for the past 10 years our relationship went downhill with barely any contact. Not my choice of course, but i tried. But when he was dying in the hospital, I was there for him. And even though he wasn't coherent, I know he knew I was there. I stayed with him alone for 3 hours and talked to him. He kept turning his head away from me. Maybe he just couldn't face me. but i told him I forgave him, and I loved him. My grandma told me I was very special to him, I was Daddy's little girl. Throughout my life, I have looked to replace him by other men in my life. It just makes me feel sad that he is gone, and I will never have the chance to reconcile with him, or make him more a part of my life. I envy those that had their father close to them. But I miss you Dad. I know you just didn't know how to show that you loved me. But I know that you did. Magdalyn

Rayon, Hello. My answer is yes to all of the above. I was supposed to go see my dad one year ago on Thanksgiving while I was in his part of the country. I didn't end up going because it was "too out of the way". Little did I know the next time I would see him was in a hospital bed dying. I can't take back that decision, but i sure have been beating myself up about it. But with him it was always "one way". Either I went to see him, or I called him, or I wrote him. For the last ten years or so, he never wrote back, called back,etc. So after awhile I just gave up on him. But now I have figured out that was because of his horrible disease of Alcoholism, which he eventually killed himself with. Some things you just can't undo. But I will always love him, and I feel so bad about not visiting him last year. Just so know, there IS someone else out there like you in regards to your relationship with your dad. Magdalyn

Thanks Shell, Well I am feeling a little better since then. Thanks for telling me I wasn't "morbid". I was in a deep depression last week, but this week I seem to be coming out of it, I think from reading the Bible. But it is still a daily struggle. I actually put up the Fall decorations finally. (for my kids-I guess). But I am really wondering how I am going to get through this whole holiday season. I guess we all are... Just know that we are all here for each other I guess. Even though my dad passed in August, my grandma is having another memorial for him on Nov 11th. None of his immediate family members were there when he passed (just his kids) so I guess this is their time for closure. It just seems like my whole grief process has been prolonged until then. But I know it will feel so good to be around family. I just wish it wasn't so far away. God Bless and Keep you, Magdalyn

Whiteswan, Hi. I have been going through the exact same thing! I was raised in a Christian church, and I have always had the truth before me. But I have been struggling with my belief in God since I was a teenager. After my father passed away, my mom suggested that I read Isiah. So I did, and then i read Jeremiah. And then I read Psalms. And I haven't stopped. There is so much in the bible that relates to our deepest feelings and secrets. I also started reading a book, "Answers to Tough Questions, What Skeptics are asking about the Christian Faith" by Josh McDowell and Don Stewart. It talks about the validity of the bible as a genuine work of historical literature. However, I too got really angry with God the other day about my dad and other things going on in my life, and I voiced this to Him. And my anger didn't go away right away, it lasted for a good couple of days. I can be a real doubter, but then when I open up the bible, and really read it I find the answers I have been so stubborn to find. I am not perfect at all. I have so many downfalls. this is what makes it hard to believe that He still cares about me. I think I have sinned so much, how could I still fall into His grace? This may be what you are thinking. Just so you know, I really relate, and I am glad that you posted! I am so sorry about your mom. Magdalyn

Brian, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter. My dad died of liver and kidney failure recently at the age of 56. I have not lost a child ( I have two daughters), so I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling. You may be wondering why God let this happen to you. I have the same questions. My Dad was never that big a part of my life, and then when he passed, I wondered why God let him live the way he lived and then took him away from me. I have found much solace in the Bible. The other day, I decided to write some scriptures down and put them on my refrigerator. That way whenever I went to the fridge, I would read them. This might work for you. Even though you are a child of God, he cannot stop trials from happening to you. But this is the time where you must reach out to Him. One scripture that I put down was Psalms 37:23-24: The steps of the godly are directed by the Lord. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they may stumble, they will not fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand. Hope this helps. I will be praying for you. Maggie

Brian, I like that Coldplay album too. But it seems to be the songs that i heard by chance during that time are the ones that bring me to tears. We all have our own songs. Another song is Sheryl Crow "The first cut is the deepest". I really hope butterfly comes back on here. Butterfly girl, are you there? Still praying for you. Magdalyn

Butterfly girl, Hey! So how are you handling things? I, too, have been depressed this week. My dad passed on August 26 of this year. Today I heard a song that I had listened to on the way home to California after he died. It was "Where the streets have no name" by U2. I have a really hard time crying too, but when I heard the song it took me right back to that moment and the pain I was feeling, and I shed a few tears, just a few. Are there any songs that remind you of your mom? Maybe you could even check out the U2 album I was talking about. Chat later, Magdalyn

I think just the fact that you got it out online that you are thinking about cutting is a good first step. When I am having a bad day with depression, anger, or anything else, just coming on this website and getting it out makes me assess my behavior in a whole new light. It's weird how it works, but I think you should continue to open up about it, and maybe you will be able to get through this dark spell. Try to celebrate your mom's life and the memories next week. Easy for me to say, right? I have struggled with depression my whole life, and sometimes I just want to sulk, which is perfectly okay, but there comes a point where you have to pick yourself up. I will be praying for you. XOXO, Magdalyn

Shell & Maylissa, I don't even want to TRY to be cheerful this year, so I can relate. I can just tell already that I don't have that usual pizzazz that i ususally have when the holidays come around. So i guess the best we can do is take it easy on ourselves. I am also way more interested in the "reason for the season" this year, versus the materialistic end of it. I just want to light lots and lots of candles and cry. How morbid i sound! Hugs, Magdalyn

I never did spend any holidays with my dad that I can remember. My parents got divorced when I was five, and he was not around much after that. But that doesn't seem to be stopping me from not wanting to participate this year. Besides grieving his loss, I guess I am grieving the relationship that we never had. Typically, I am so excited when October hits, because I decorate the house for fall, then Christmas comes around and I decorate for that. But this year I haven't even done the fall decorations yet. I don't know why but my heart is not in it. I have felt myself getting more depressed these last few days. I went to a counseling appointment a few weeks ago, and the counselor said I seemed to be dealing with the grief issues okay. (Maybe she just caught me on a good day!) But now a depression is hitting. So what I did today after dinner was worked out on my elliptical trainer for 45 minutes. Believe me, it was hard to get on that thing. And trust me I did not feel like doing it at all! But I felt better afterward. So I guess my advice would be try to incorporate some physical activity if you start to get too depressed. And as for the holidays, I guess I'll just have to wait and see if I start to feel more into it. One nice thing is that my aunt (my dad's sister) invited us to Thanksgiving in San Luis Obispo. I heard it is really pretty there! So maybe just the change of scenery would be nice. Take care everyone, and take it slow! The holidays can be stressful enough as it is.

Jennie- I am glad you made yourself go to the gym yesterday. Sometimes we feel guilty for going on living when they are not. But after a while we have to realize that we can't not live our lives. And living means exercising, eating, reading, and anything else that gives us peace. Yesterday was the one month mark of my dad passing away. Strangely it was a very peaceful day. I went to play golf, which I hadn't done since before his death. It was such a relief! I also had a moment of silence at 11:08 pm, which was the time when he passed. And after I posted my feelings of anger in my reply to you, it felt better that I just got it out to other people that are going through the same thing. So this site is an outlet! Keep trucking along, and I am sure that you can be a good friend to your friend whose father also just passed, simply because you know exactly what she is going through. Another thing I did when my father passed away was i bought a plant for my living room in honor of him. I have never had a green thumb, but I am going to keep this plant alive because it reminds me of him, and how he will never die in my heart! Have a good day! Magdalyn

Jennie- I can totally relate with your feelings of anger and jealousy. I lost my father one month ago tomorrow. Then I had some other life-changing incidents occur almost simultaneously. I have been blowing up at my husband and kids. It is very frustrating because after i do it, I instantly wonder where it came from. I have tried to explain to my husband that it is stemming from the grief I am experiencing. Maybe your boyfriend will be a little more understanding than my husband seems to be right now. I have found it highly difficult to function as a "mother/wife" these last few weeks. If only I had a chance to grieve, and not have to force it down just to get through the day! I guess the only advice I could give right now is to NOT do exactly what I'm doing. And I am so sorry to hear about your father. Good luck to you. Magdalyn

I know that He will always be in my heart. Yesterday I was feeling a weight on my heart, I mean physically. His first name was John, it almost seems climatic that Hurricane John has come around. Alot of the reason I also have to hold it together is for my two kids. They didn't know him, but met him in the hospital before he passed. I am trying to think of their feelings too, and I keep asking them how they are doing. My youngest found some leaves on the ground at the memorial park, and she brought them home with her so she can always remember him. I didn't find this out until she told me. It broke my heart. Today I have to function for my kids, but even last night after they went to bed, I had a little time to read Ecclesiates, his favorite book, and then I was able to cry. Thank you all again for listening. Magdalyn

Lori- You guys are all great! I am so glad I found this group. I am sorry about your mom. It sounds like you were very close. You all have helped me sort out some of my feelings by sharing your own experiences. I have friends to talk to but how do you talk when you are not sure how or what you are feeling? Plus I don't want to dump on anyone. But this has been a nice way to sort things out. Magdalyn