Andrew

Another quick update... helpful this morning. I am sitting at work, a week before a big presentation, and it isn't exactly the environment to process a lot of grief. My sister was hospitalized this morning, and won't be returning home. From the sounds of her condition, her liver is now shutting down, either from the advancing cancer or the massive dosages of various medications. She told us that she intended to live until September, so it looks like she will make it. I did get to spend another 2 weeks at home during the end of July. By that point, Nancy wasn't too aware of the people around her. She was still able to function at some level, but the drugs had her in and out of reality a lot. My wife, children and myself, went to say goodbye to her the day before we got on a plane to return to Africa. I really didn't think that Nancy would be aware that we were saying goodbye forever. However, when we got up to leave she burst into tears, which rapidly spread to all of us. I suppose that it was a moment that I will look back on with gratitude, but not one I care to relive. Terribly hard to say goodbye with such finality. At this point the only thing left to do is prepare plans for an emergency return to Canada for a funeral. And a few prayers that this portion of her disease doesn't have her hanging on and suffering too long. Thanks for the forum.

Hi All Thanks so much for the additional comments on my thread. I'll provide a quick update. My sister is still with us, but the pain has gotten very rapidly worse and she has been in and out of hospital. Her cancer in untreatable, with the exception of managing the pain and it isn't easy to watch and be powerless. I am grateful that I went to Canada when I did and had an opportunity to spend some time with her while she was very much present. That time didn't assuage either my guilt or my anxiety, but we both said a few things that needed to be said. Families are enormously complicated and emotional, it is impossible not to have history, and I can say I've done my part to try and clear up what I can. Now my wife and children are in Canada on an extended holiday. My wife has been enormously involved and supportive to both my parents and to my sister. While I am not directly providing support aside from a few kind words, I am very relieved to have someone there who gives me regular updates and is fully competent to support my sister's family and mine. I've always been a lucky man. I am involved in a 12 step support group for an unrelated issue. Once I doubled up on my activity with that group, which requires I be of service to others, I have had my anxiety largely go away. Now I just feel sad, and that I can live with. Dear Gailsing and Alabama Nancy. Thanks for contributing to this thread. Gail I think I understand how you feel and the depression. When you watch a sibling die, you have to face not only the grief but also your own mortality. I'm a 46 year old man in good health, I still feel inside like I did at 20. It's quite overpowering to have the facts of life brought home so clearly. On top of that, to also watch someone you love suffer and not to be able to do anything is depressing. The release from my feelings has come from focusing on the things I can fix and the people I can help. Alabama Nancy. I can't imagine having to watch my sister get progressively worse from a slow moving terminal illness. My sister was hospitalized for much of last week and both in extreme pain and confused. My wife had organized a schedule where she and a few other family members would spend shifts in the room so my sister would never be alone. It was all that she could do. As I speak to my wife on a daily basis, I was party to my wife's feelings as she sat in that hospital room late at night. It brought home to me the depth of suffering of everyone involved, but most particularly of the pain my sister had to face. On the one hand you want to see her go quickly so that she stops suffering, on the other, you want to keep her here with us. It is a no win situation, either course leads to misery. One of the things that my sister said when I was at home, was that she was grateful to be the one with a terminal illness. She didn't want to have to watch anyone in her family die, and all she had to do was die with dignity. She has granted us the right to be sad, and the right to move on after. I hope I can live up to the example she is setting. Thanks again for the support. Best wishes to all. Andrew

Kayc & Enna... thanks for your kind words, which ring true. I have done a bit of research and understand that anxiety in the face of grief isn't abnormal. I also know that I am doing the right thing by going. But I guess I am a 'typical' man in that I seek simple and straightforward reasons to feel something. So to do what I know is right, and still feel afraid, is a very unsettling set of emotions. People think of me as a bit fearless, because I usually feel anxiety only up until I decide to take action, once the decision is made, I usually calm down. This is something different. I suspect that this situation has raised up some specific emotions around my relationship with my sister, my parents and my other siblings that I've never dealt with. That and my 'go to' response to everything is to fix it. This is not a situation I can fix. I don't think I do powerless all that well. Anyway, I want to express my sincere gratitude for your responses. I really am just happy to know people hear and understand. Thanks Andrew

Hi All I'm writing this mostly because I need to get it out, but if any of you have any wisdom to share I would appreciate hearing it. My older sister has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and based on current testing she is advanced, there is little that can be done for treatment. My sister is the only girl in a family of 5 and has always been a special person in the family as she has worked to hold us together. I guess the rest of us tend to be stoic and independent and she is unafraid to show her emotions. I'm the youngest sibling and because we were a big family and my parents were older when I was born, she was both a friend and a caregiver when I was a child. Now, I'm a 46 year old man with a family of my own. My sister has 3 grown boys but has adopted 2 small girls (10 and 18 months) and continues in her tradition of being fully family focused. My parents are now elderly (87 & 85) and are diving in to help my sister and her husband. At this point, my parents are struggling, my sister is feeling guilty because my parents are struggling and I'm about to board a plane to fly across the world (Africa to Canada - just to be there for a week). All of the above things are just life, and I know that I will do what I can to help. That my siblings will do what they can to help. That my sister's boys will do what they can to help. Her husband is an amazingly solid man and seems to be calmly dealing with it all as it comes. What I am struggling with is how I feel. The grief I can manage. What is really challenging is the anxiety. I feel absolutely undone, insecure, fearful, and if anything shameful. But I have no idea why. I'm scared to go to the airport and get on the plane, but I travel all the time without fear. I am afraid that I will insult my parents or siblings with my actions, but I am just doing what I can. I'm afraid that I am somehow behaving irresponsibly for leaving my job for a week, despite the fact that in the 12 years I've been a traveling expat employee I've never used the emergency leave clause of my contract. I'm afraid to appear weak, but all I want to do is talk about this situation to everyone all the time. Ultimately, I'm just scared, and have no reason to be. So I am writing this out. Putting it down and spilling my guts as it were. If you've any advice, I'd appreciate hearing it. But even if you have nothing to contribute, I appreciate the opportunity to share it. Thanks Andrew