HI. I am new to this board. Thank goodness for Hospice and its angels. My mom died March 29th after battling ovarian cancer for 7 years. I sold my home a year ago and moved downstate to Phx to spend her last year, almost, with her, visiting her almost daily and talking on the phone constantly. I quit my job the first week of March and was in the room the afternoon that she took her last breath. There was a Hospice angel there and I wondered why, and it was only later that this lady knew it was Mom's last hours. She never interfered with me but was there to declare time of death and then slipped out of the room and let me cry. I am 55, divorced, no children, one cat, and gainfully employed again, but it has been a hellish summer. Not until I got on the Hospice Bereavement Page last night for the first time, did I actually understand that I was grieving, or at least going through the early stages. I put my life on hold for Mom, and when she left I did most activities that are on the grief checklists: moved away, bought a home in another state, upset stomach, irritability, loss of sleep, stress, lost ten pounds so far, two consecutive weekends in the local ER being treated for stress, confused, no one to talk to, moved out of the home I had bought and returned to AZ, with the help of a friend. My Dad died 31 years ago and I pretty much handled his sudden passing in the same manner. It took counseling to learn how to grieve and what was going on with me. I learned then that the mind and body are connected, irrevocably. Feelings must be met and addressed head on, no two ways about it. It is painful, and should never be done alone. Actually I don't think it can be done alone. I have emailed the staff here asking to be allowed to sign up for a grief support meeting on Thursday evenings and I hope they respond to me on Tuesday after Labor Day holiday. I called a friend on the phone yesterday and she was out, but her husband answered. We started talking football, and the first time he mentioned Mom I started balling, and you know what, I felt okay after I hung up. I cried at least three different times during the call. I realized then that it was all bottled up inside me, and I had to learn to let it out. Crying is good, crying is healthy, and I may be crying for quite awhile. I also have pretty much ignored the existence of a God since I was about 16, and I am starting to realize that he has been beside me anyway all this time. So there is that journey of reconciliation as well. I think it will help knowing I can turn my problems over to someone else. I have been on this sight almost ten minutes, and just typing this babble of mine has helped. I will continue to visit here and I hope to be able to talk with many of you. My parents adopted me when I was 15 months old. I feel so lost without her, and me an educated adult. Strange. John Lori, hi, John, 55, in Phx, AZ. Yes, it has happened to me as well. I decided to write when I read your part about being on Xanax. I too was prescribed a tranquilizer and since it is not renewable I take them sparingly. I am trying not to take them at all but I have no problem taking one if I need it. Yes, it is strange how our minds work. I can sit and be reading the paper and have to lay back and think peaceful thoughts, and then resume the paper reading, or whatever it is I am doing. My stomach is upset about half the time, just when i thought it had settled down. I am tired, too, a lot of the time. I hope you are getting counseling and talking to other people in and out of your family. I am going to go to a bereavement support group this Thursday for the first time and I sure do think it will help. As I read through these other posts here, it is clear the grieving process will take quite awhile. That in itself is somewhat comforting, as I really want it to end NOW. But that is not how grieving works, unfortunately. You are fortunate to have a built-in support system of husband and sons to lean on and keep you busy. Hang in there, you are not alone, John
