Sweetpe1

CaraLex0014 I'm so sorry your going through this sad time. I truly do understand your heartbreak. Losing someone your so close to is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. My mom was also perfectly normal at 69 years old. We always went shopping together and talked on the phone everyday . My mom actually seemed more healthy than me. She was still working at a school with handicap children . She was full of energy and seemed fine until she started with pain in her ear. She thought it was a simple ear infection. She went to several doctors and was given antibiotics but still the pain was there . So we found a specialist and was told my mom had a spot of cancer in her Jaw area. It was pressing on the nerves leading to her ear. Well the doctors assured us with surgery this spot of cancer could be removed. So to fast forward a bit within 6 months my mom ended up with two surgeries and still the doctors couldn't seem to get all the cancer out . It ended up spreading to her neck area on her Carotid Artery and took her life. It all happened so fast . I wasn't ready to lose my mom ,my best friend. Its been three years since she passed away but still seems like yesterday. Its been the hardest 3 years of my life grieving over losing her. Its a good thing I have a good husband by my side who supported me through this. Just recently I've decided I must carry on , find a job and get back to work. Maybe I should've gone back to work right away , it may have helped me with the grief I have gone through. CaraLex0014 Its going to be very hard to carry on , but you must do it. Try to be strong for her. Always remember the good times you had together , it will bring you smiles. I've asked myself why a thousand times , but only God can answer that , and we must not question him . Prayers Sweetpe1

KayC I know it must have been hard to place your mother in a dementia facility but i'm sure it was for the best. It would have been a struggle to care for her 24 hours a day. Me and my two sisters were rotating 24 hours that last week before my mothers passing. The doctors did recommend a hospice care facility but my mom refuse to go. It was a struggle just for that week. There was no way we could continue for much longer. Every time we mentioned hospice my mom would say "but that's for dieing people and i'm not dieing". We would feel so guilty because we could tell she was't going to make it . She ended up passing away at home . I just feel so guilty about that but there was nothing I could do . If I would have brought her to the hospital they would have transfer her to hospice and I knew she didn't want to go there . It's just a sad situation . She was in a lot of pain at the last week so it does give me peace that she is no longer suffering. We will always have grief over losing our mother . Someone told me the other day that Life Must Go On . I will carry her memory forever. Heidi

KayC I'm so sorry your mother suffered with Dementia. It is so sad to watched your mother battle a illness like this. As much as we want them with us longer it comes a time where god says enough is enough. My mother was going down hill about two weeks before she passed. I knew something bad was happening. I think the cancer was spreading quickly. The doctors didn't take another scan before she passed but I believe the cancer had spread to her brain. Just the symptoms that were happening lead me to believe this. I sit here and think about how it all started with a spot in the rear of her jaw. Then her ear started to hurt like an earache . It just didn't seem so serious as it turned out to be. I brought her to see a Oncologist who specialized with head and neck cancer and he said it was stage 4 already but was confident he could remove it all. After surgery my mom seem to be doing ok . She recovered well. But the ear pain came back and we knew something wasn't rite. After another surgery and a lot of chemo all the cancer did was spread. It all happened in just a year. My mom seemed more healthier than me actually. I have diabetes and a lot of other health issues. I sit here in disbelief that my mom is gone from something that didn't seem to serious. I hope you are doing well KayC and thanks for listening Heidi

Degasgirl Alicia it is such a heart break. Life just isn't the same anymore. It's so hard when you are so used to calling your mother everyday and now she's no longer here. I You know the feeling. I recorded my moms voice mail off her cell phone before having it turned off. I listen to it often, Just hearing her voice makes me feel a little better. My mom was battling cancer but we really thought she would win her battle. She was strong and seem to be hanging in there quit well. Then all of a sudden I noticed changes taking place. All of a sudden my mom started showing signs of weakness and couldn't walk much. We knew something was changing but still didn't expect her to go when she did. Since my mom passed I don't sleep well at all. I have friends and family who try talking to me but I don't think they understand my grief. I'd rather talk to others like yourself who are experiencing the same heartbreak. Alicia I guess in time we will find peace . Until then my tears continue to flow. Heidi

Degasgirl Its so hard to lose your mom,and your father must be so sadden without her. After being together for so many years he will surely miss her so much. I know you are grieving the loss of your mother also. I lost my mother April 22,2015 and everyday is just down rite grief for me. I feel your pain I really do and its hard. Maybe spending some extra time with your father could help him some. Just his everyday life with your mom he will miss so much. The simplest everyday activities without her will leave him in so much grief. He's going to need so much extra support to get through the loss of his loving wife for so many years. Prayers for you and your family Heidi

ChrisD That is a beautiful song. I'm so sorry for our loss. I pray in time you find peace. It's truly a hard journey. Every hour of every day is grief for me since losing my mom. Prayers Heidi

Hi KayC How have you been ? I hope you have been doing well. As for me its just so stressful lately . I just feel like a million and one things going through my mind . I feel so alone in this world without my mom. She was always there for me if I needed anything, I worry so much about making it in life without her. I'm so scared. I cant believe it's going on four months already . Time is just flying by and that upsets me so much. I wish so bad for my mom to come back but I know its just not possible. I'm trying so hard to be strong for my family , but sometimes it feels like i'm going to just have a nervous break down . Today just isn't a good day for me . Heidi

Hello Everyone Thought I would check in to see how you all are doing . As for me I am still hanging in there. My days and nights are about the same. Still in deep thought and still losing sleep. Just trying to carry on without my mom is the hardest thing I've ever had to endure. Today me and my two sisters met with an attorney to file succession. It was a heartbreak but we held up pretty good getting through it all. I feel like the sooner we get through all this the better . How have you all been feeling ? Has life been getting easier for any of you ? I really hope it is . In time I hope it gets easier for me. Heidi

huntk94 My heart goes out to you in your time of sorrow One of my sisters lost her only child during his teenage years. He overdosed himself with a medication. Her son was never a boy to use drugs so we don't understand until this day why he would do such a terrible thing. This happened on Christmas Eve 2004. Until this day we ask our selves why. He never showed any sign of depression or unhappiness . We wonder if he really wanted to die or was he experiencing with something he knew nothing about. My sister was divorced so it was just her and her only child alone. Its been eleven years and my sister still lives the nightmare of losing him. There are so many unanswered questions . Just Why. I pray for you to some how get through this terrible pain and broken heart. My mom just passed away almost 3 months ago .April 22,2015 from cancer. My family is experiencing so much heart break and grief of her passing also. It hurts so bad. Heidi

KayC This is really taking a horrible toll on me. Tonight I sit here and such anger can over me. Tears running down my face. Telling my self There just has to be a way I can talk to my mom again. She cant be gone and never coming back. Is this really real . I feel like this cant be real. My god the sadness I'm feeling I have never felt before. I just cant accept this. Night after night I don't sleep. I sit hear and think and think . Heidi

Hi everyone I just thought I'd drop in to say hello. Nothing has really changed much for me. Still the same grief and so much sadness in my home. MY sister came to visit because were still dealing with moms finances and belongings. We didn't get much of anything done . It's still just to hard on us . Mom was a very organized person . Everything she had was so well packed in storage containers and labeled. We were amazed at all the pictures mom had of each family member and there families .Every picture in certain photo albums and labeled. She had pictures of her parents and brothers. All so neat and labeled . Me and my two sisters spent hours looking trough the albums. We ended up leaving everything in her home again and decided to separate it at a later date. I guess we just hate to reach the point where nothing is there anymore. I'm sure once we sell moms house it will be a big heart break all over again. We will just take our time with everything. Hopefully in time we get stronger at heart. I pray for each of you also. I know you grief is just as sad as mine. Its not a good feeling at all. God Bless Heidi

Hi Cujosgirl15 This is so wonderful to hear. I'm also glad you shared this with us. My mother passed away April 22,2015 . I would love to receive a message from my mom. Just something letting me know she's ok . I wonder if she's with dad and is she happy or sad. This may sound crazy but I'm so worried about my mom. This troubles me but this is the kind of things going through my mind. I just feel if I can get some kind of sign from her then I can move on. I guess its because I know my mom wasn't ready to leave us and didn't go peacefully . I'm struggling with the loss of my mom so much. If only she would let me know she's ok. God Bless Heidi

Hello Jame57 and KayC I hope you all are doing ok. As for me I'm hanging in there . Seems like the days are just going by and before I know it my poor mom will be gone for months then years. It just breaks my heart to think about it. It seems like yesterday that my dad passed and its already 6 years. I've been slowly trying to pull myself together and trying to get out of the house some. I have 3 grandsons who play baseball for the local recreation park in our home town. I started to attend the games just to get out a bit. It was kind of hard because my mom loved to watch the grandsons play baseball . She would always call and say "Do the boys have a game tonight" . Mom enjoyed getting out and socializing some since dad passed away. It was an outing for her during her grieving stage over dad. Now its just me sitting without mom . It doesn't feel to good but I'm pushing myself for the rest of my family, I hope you all are doing ok . I know you must struggle also. As for me I continue to have the thoughts of mom during her last weeks before she passed. Its really sad thoughts . I hope in time some happy memories will come to mind. Prayers Heidi

Hello everyone I'm dropping in to say Hello to all and I hope you had a nice 4th of July . As for me I'm struggling to get through each day. It's so hard to carry on with out someone that you love so much and who has been in your everyday life. It's truly a heart break . Myself and my two sisters are slowly going through moms belongings . Each time we try to split up some things it turns into just crying and we just stop and say we'll do this another day. I think this is the hardest thing I have ever endured. My mom has such a beautiful garden around her home . I know she would be upset if it wasn't kept up . Today I will get myself together and go water her flowers. It's things like this that must be done but causes such grief. I pray for each of you also . Heidi

Hi KayC I'm sorry you had to witness the passing of your dog. I also lost a dog about a year ago. I had him for 10 years . For most people our pets become part of the family . Losing them is very hard to accept also. I keep thinking we must carry on in life and never question god. I guess god has a plan for all of us . Its just so hard to understand and accept. God Bless Heidi

Thank you all so much I have always been a strong person in dealing with what ever life throws at me. I guess my doctor seen how an emotional wreck I am and thought the medication might help. I have decided to just take one day at a time and hope my heartache will ease some without the use of medication. A grief councilor may be my next move if I don't start to feel better soon. There is so many thoughts going through my head . My biggest problem is I know my mom did not want to go. She was not ready to leave her family. I listen to some people talk about how there mother or father passed away peacefully and was ready but my mom wasn't. Don't get me wrong by saying this because I'm sure nobody wants to pass away and leave there family . Its just through out life you hear how peacefully some people go and this didn't happen to my poor mom. This thought continues to go through my mind and I wish my moms death would have been more peaceful. I will try to carry on . I have to carry on . I will pray to the good lord to help me get through this . Thank you all so much Heidi.

Well today was just a horrible day. Crying all day off and on. Every time I try to talk about my feelings with anyone the tears just roll down my face. I cant even express my feelings to anyone not even my poor husband who is trying so hard listen and help me. I visited my doctor today for my own personal health issues and He asked how I was doing after the loss of my mother . This doctor knew about my mothers battle because I am a Diabetic and I visited my doctor through out the year explained what my mom was going through. As my doctor asked how I was doing I just burst into a terrible crying spell. I explained I'm not coping well at all. I mentioned in a earlier post that I try to cope with any stress and depression on my own without medication. But after today and my doctor seeing how sick I am over this he wanted to prescribe me a anti depressant . We went back and forth about it and I while crying in his office I finally agreed to take the prescription. I told the doctor at least I would have them on hand if I felt the need to take it. Has any of you had to take Anti Depressants before ? If so did it help ? I'm really not doing well mentally . The depression has my head feeling so heavy like its just filled with so many thoughts. Then I just choose to go to sleep on and off all day. So I'm thinking about trying this medication just to see if it could possible help me. I've never herd of this medication but its called Venlafaxine. I plan to google it to see what the side affects are. I really hope the days start to get easier. Heidi

Its nice chatting with you all. Enne you say your mother taught you to all look after each other. When my mother passed away there was a box in her closet with all her important papers. In this box was a note to her three daughters . In part of her note she asked that we would always be there for each other . There is nothing like the love a mother has for her children and a special love her children has for her. KayC you are so rite wen you say losing your mother is like losing your identity. That's how I feel in a way. It make you feel like you lost a part of yourself. Its such a sad feeling. I understand loving your child no matter how many writes and wrongs pass through there lives . Its unconditional . Thanks Marty for the links . I started reading them and they are big help. Jame57 I hope you a feeling ok and you find peace also. Thank you for your replies. God Bless Heidi

Thank You all for your response I think I will check into some counseling . Its been such a hard road this past year. Its so hard to carry on without my mom. She was always in my daily life and now she's gone. I am 51 years old and I do have my own family. My children are grown and I have some beautiful grand children to enjoy. My husband has offered to take me away for a few days . I think I will take him up on that offer. KayC It sounds like you have really had your share of sad times also. I'm so sorry your mother was so sick. A Mental illness is really sad to live with. Also your husband having a heart attack must have been awful . I hope you have found peace will the loss of your loved ones and I hope to find peace one day to. Its been a help just to express my feelings here on this forum. Thank You Heidi

Hi KayC I know the feeling about never being ready to lose your mom . My mother was 70 when she passed but she still seemed so young and her overall health was perfect. Even though towards the end I could see she was losing the battle I still didn't want to believe she was going to leave me. I actually still have this feeling when I walk in her home that she is still in her bed. I smell her when I walk through the door of her home. Its actually a good feeling, Its really sad how my mother passed away. I all began with my mother feeling what she thought was an ear infection. She went to several doctors and was prescribed antibiotics but the ear pain did not go away. She then went to see a ENT "ear,nose & throat " specialist. As he had her open her mouth to examine he immediately seen a spot in the rear of her jaw. He was quit open with her and said it looks like cancer and a biopsy is needed now. Of course it came back positive and she was referred to Head and Neck Oncologist. Another biopsy was taken and it was also positive. The Oncologist said surgery could be done to remove the cancer. It would require removing half her lower jaw. It was a rough surgery but my mom recovered fairly quick with hopes to return to work. The oncologist said even though she had this surgery she still had to do so many radiation treatments to assure no recurrence . Three months later a CT scan was taken and the results were the cancer was back. In my opinion the Oncologist just didn't get it all out during surgery. A MRI was ordered to confirm and not only was a recurrence there but cancer was also all in the cheek of her face and had spread to her neck. Another surgery was done to see just how bad it was and if any chance it could be removed but it was to much spread . With the cancer being in her neck it had wrapped around her Carotid Artery. This became the danger zone. It was just to risky to go back in and try to remove the cancer off her Artery. We even drove 7 hours to MD Anderson where specialist could try to help her but there were just to many cancer cells all over to even consider trying. The only thing offered was Chemo treatments which made my mother very sick . We were told the Chemo would not cure the cancer but it may prolong her life so we had to keep trying and hope for a miracle . As the days went by my mother was really going down hill. She couldn't even eat since her first surgery. She had to get a feeding tube put in her stomach . My mother was back and forth in and out of the hospital as her pain level was unbearable. .I was really getting nervous as I watched her slowly lose her strength to even walk anymore. The doctors had warned me and my sisters that this cancer on her Carotid Artery was getting worse and could rupture at anytime. It would take her life within minutes if that were to happen. On April 22,2015 the unthinkable happened and it took my mothers life. The last couple weeks of my mothers life my two sisters finally started helping me with caring for my mother. We rotated shifts 24 hours. When my mother passed my sister happened to be with her. I was due to take over in about an hour when I got the phone call . Of course I rushed over there as I only live ten minutes away. Seeing my mother laying on the floor in her bedroom was so devastating . I hate to say this but I'm glad it wasn't me there when this happened. I don't think I would ever be the same person. I do feel so sad for my sister . I know she is also grieving very bad. This has been like a horrible nightmare to my family. We miss her oh so much. It just doesn't seem real. I felt the need to share this devastating past year of losing my mother Thanks for listening Heidi

Hi James57 Today is another day of grief. The weather is bad so I decided not to visit my mom at the cemetery today. You mentioned a friend seeing there mother in a dream . I to wish I would see my mother in a dream also. I'd really like to know if she's ok and happy. A friend of mine told me when her mother passed she was in such grief that she went to see a Medium . She found peace in what this person told her. I may be considering going to talk to one. I've never really believed in fortune tellers though. I still have lots of my mothers belongings to go through. Every time I take some things from her home I feel so guilty. I feel like I'm taking something that I shouldn't . Her Jewelry and her cloths and other house hold items. I just feel like this is my mothers not mine. Really I have to realize my mother is never coming back and in the back of my mind I don't want to accept that. Maybe in time I will feel better Heidi

Thank you Marty for the Tips I will surely read them. You've been a big help Thank You also KayC for your response. I very sorry for the loss of your mother also. Time just seems to fly by. Its already been a year since your mother has passed. Can I ask you does the heartbreak get any better. I just feel so sad . Some days I don't even care if I get dressed. I'm not a person to medicate my myself . I have always tried to deal with my feelings on my own. But I find myself up all night thinking and wondering if my moms ok in heaven. I'm still worrying about her wellbeing . Am I crazy or losing my mind. While my mother was battling the cancer I was always doing research on cures , side affects on treatments ,and so much more. The problem is I'm still researching and reading about Oral Cancer and how this type of cancer can take a persons life. I feel like my mother is still here and I'm continuing the battle. I feel like I need to help her . I'm having a hard time realizing that my moms gone and never coming back. I feel like I'm losing my mind sometime. I know this must sound kind of crazy but this is what's happening . I guess in time the days and nights will get better. Thanks you for your help during this difficult time Heidi

Thanks Marty , James and Sweetwater For your responses It truly helps to talk to people who are experiencing the same grief .. I will get me a book to read Marty thanks for the help with that. I think it may take my mind off of things. I visited my mothers grave sight today and stayed there talking to her for about two hours. For some reason I just feel so guilty . I feel like we should have moved on to different doctors even though we did get several opinions. I feel like there had to be a doctor somewhere who could've save her life. Everybody keeps telling me I did the best I could do. I even drove 7 hours away to MD Anderson who is suppose to be one of the best. I do have two sisters but they don't live close by. I am the one going through my mothers house and having to go through all her things. This is extremely hard to do. I guess when its all over with and we put her house for sale it will be the end. My mom passed away in her home and When I walk into my moms house I feel her presences . This is so painful . Thank you so much Heidi

Jame57 I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. Trust me I feel your pain. Prayers to you and your family Heidi

Hello everyone My mother has passed away on April 22, 2015. I am having a very hard time accepting that she's gone and will never come back. My mother was diagnosed with Oral Cancer in March 2014. It was just a month past the year mark that she was diagnosed. It was truly a hard battle and I was with her every step of the way. My mother had two surgeries and also many Chemo and Radiation treatments. We were sure to win the battle. There was no giving up until the bitter end. My mother was 70 years old but in very good health otherwise . She was beautiful and full of life. She was still employed and actually had more energy than me I must say, This past year has totally taken myself and family by surprise. Never in a million years would I ever think my mother would be gone. Depression is taking over me as the days go by. I cant sleep at all. I was the main care giver to my mother. Every doctor appt. and treatments It was me with her . Up until the very last minute I was rite by her side, I guess that's why I am so deep in thought about the what if I would have done this and I should have done that. I just cant get her picture out of my head. I visualize her last weeks in my mind. I know some people say try to think of happy times but as of now I just cant. I cry constantly to my self. My husband has been trying to console me but its not helping much. Anger is starting to kick in also. I just want to scream to the sky Jesus I want my mother back. It wasn't her time to go, I am getting very bitter and in my mind refuse to accept that my mother is gone. Thanks for listening Heidi