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About scba

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    my boyfriend
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  1. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, it's said. I feel like Grief hasn't killed me because I tried very hard to be strong so as to keep being alive in a world without him. I told my therapist that two years ago I felt like sinking in the sea. But now I feel I made it to a foreign shore and builded up a "fortress" to survive. For a week I have received, each day, a news from the following: pregnancy, couples moving together, dating time, projects, baby births. They used to put me in a place of anxiety, of running home and spend the rest of the day crying. Those don't tear me down to bed anymore. I still feel a lack of interest in them, though, and automatically the news confront my life. I don't have an aim, a purpose, a project, I don't truly expect anything anymore. What do you want to do with your life? What just happens, I will manage. I must have been left so drained in all possible levels from 4 years of solid unhappiness. Pain transforms you deeply. I feel safe saying it here. Maybe there are no more pieces left to be broken. Maybe there are no more tears left to shed. I am strong. Am I, really? Just thoughts on another Friday night.
  2. No they don`t. However, with 5 years into it, I`ve given up on teaching/explaining. I`ve arrived to a place of "absolving" clueless people/friends/relatives/acquaintances, if that is a good word. I acknowledge that I may feel frustration, anger, guilt and resentment but I try not to fuel these. It only affects me and makes ME and only me feel worse. They mess up things even more. And for what? For nothing. I`m still in the same place: I lost him. The thing is, I`m not sure if I`m going to be by their side when and if the time arrives for them to be in this journey. I may not. I feel bad thinking this way.
  3. I understand, I know how must have been your and Tammy´s life, because our life also turned around a chronic disease that eventually killed him. Sure I have had very good moments, after I mean. Life is in shades of low quality colours now, things fade away quickly. I think of what I do really care about. I don´t have an inmediate answer. Someone told me once: "you will get used to". Didn´t mention to what, but whatever that is, I got used to grief. I haven´t found what can I do of use with my grief. Peace to you, today and tomorrow. To everyone here. Ana
  4. Checking in too. I'm still recovering from Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper's performance at the Oscar. So intimate, the way they looked at each other and how he reached to her on the piano. I shed many tears since I could identify my ex life in that scene. "I had that". It's past tense now. I'm having issues at work and my gym routine is anything but a routine. I've low energy and spirits lately. It's like the sea tides. Grief. I'm having vivid flashbacks from my ex life. They are sound and clear. They said it's from trauma. They don't scare me, they come and go. I think it has been happening since year one. I don't keep a track of my craziness anymore. My update. Marg? Mitch? Hope they check in too. It's been long since the last time they posted. Hope you guys are ok! Let's keep Katie and her kids too in our thoughts and prayers. Peace Ana
  5. I don`t think we can "fix" what it is because of what has happened, and the effect of that on us. We can work through it.
  6. Our grief feelings were so intense, so raw, some of them traumatic, some experienced for the first time, and they lasted for a long time. They had a powerful and long lasting impact in our own core and our own selves, altering our lives and the way we experienced the world. They came in a combo, with a pain we could barely handle. I think that for these reasons, for that kind of exposure, we were left feeling numb to almost anything. Like a burn-out type. Of course none likes living like this, I don`t but I accept it is what it is today, and I give myself permission to wonder if it`s going to be like this for ever. I cannot say (yet) I "hope" it won`t be, since Hope dissappeared from my vocabulary almost 5 years ago, when my and our biggest hope crashed against death. I then think of what Kay says, that it takes years to rebuild a life in which we choose to be. Peace. Ana
  7. OMG that`s sooooo true!!!!! ------------------- Dear Cookie: You`re not alone in feeling this way. I have always wondered what would imply: healing, improvement, getting better, being a better person. Somehow these imply going from dark to light. Perhaps we´ll always be in a "grey" "contradictory" zone? I have no answers. I`m still struggling with that and other notions.
  8. Happy birthday, blessings and best wishes to you Marty. Thank you for everything you do for us. Ana
  9. Dear Katie, I'm sorry that you were asked that question. Unfortunately it is normal to be asked and it won't be the last time. I have been in that place too, and it hurts in both directions, in our hearts and hearing it from a dear friend. And with our hearts aching for our great pain we must also be wise to get that they mean well. It is too much, I know it. I can tell you that with time, with lots of time, you will feel stronger in the moment when you are asked, and your answer will come out from a place of strength and conviction, whatever your reply is. But not now and that's ok and enough. One minute at a time, for yourself and for your boys. I can say that we all here are keeping all of you in our prayers. Peace Ana.
  10. Our standards and energy are lower and it is understandable, and we have to work harder to be stronger to get through this painful and difficult journey. That's how I would describe my life. I have to be strong, since I am unhappy. Congratulations for your work about Diabetes. I am sure you are a very good mentor. Shalom
  11. I understand you. When my boyfriend was dying I asked God to take everything away from me, but not him. I swear I included everything and everyone in my plea. I was kneeling in the hospital aisle alone. I will never forget that moment. Cannot be erased because I would do anything to have him back even if it means to loose him again on sickness. I would kneel down once more and ask God the same. Because I cannot believe he can be fine and be better wherever he is now, if it is without me. I can't conceive it.
  12. I struggle to listen and care about my friend's relationships, I'm failing at that. Unless it is a very serious/dangerous situation, I'm not interested in their current affairs. I generally nod at each comment and I feel very bad because I'm not interested. All I can think of is what I am missing. It hasn't change.
  13. https://philosophy.nz/viktor-frankl/ The story I mentioned above
  14. Dear Dee, trust me when I tell you that our hearts never forget. It is all imprinted in our being. I only have a 1 minute audio of my beloved, I don't listen to it because it still hurts. Yet, time ago I had a dream in which he spoke, and it was HIS voice. It was sound and clear. I am in my 5th year and in my dream his voice was still his. It doesn't matter if my brain made it up, if there is a rational psychology reason. It was him speaking (I forgot what he said when I woke up but to me it was real). 5 years later, I remembered. There is a beautiful story from V. Franklin in which he describes the moment in which he had a conversation with his wife (both separated in different concentration camps). Not knowing if she was alive or dead. It is about love that transcends time and place. I believe is about our love stories too. Peace Ana
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