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scba

Contributor
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About scba

  • Rank
    Ana

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    my boyfriend
  • Date of Death
    2014
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Spain

Recent Profile Visitors

3,627 profile views
  1. I haven't written on my thread for almost a year. I'd like to write how it's going, and perhaps someone identifies with it too. I've read many times that a part of me left with him, that it feels like an amputated leg, or like you have to learn to walk and breathe again, to talk again.... I lost a part of myself but I struggle to believe it. Cause it cannot be true..... I have realized that I have been struggling with the idea of a new me. Who am I now without him? But why do I have to be a new someone? And so, I tried to sort of go back to the past and to be who I was or recognized as such: a good student, a curious someone, a top worker, always trying to do more, achieve more. To be someone who had a future ahead, you know. and so I started to sort of run a race towards my old self.... because I must be somewhere, because some of that must have survived. Somehow if I went back to my old me after all all it would mean that this didn't damage me. But it was all wrong. I'm struggling with low self steem at the moment cause I cannot achieve what I would like to while I witness my pals playing the match. Like you don't belong here anymore. I have no idea who am I and what is my value in this world. I need someone to tell me that, truly and sincerely. But that unique voice has faded in Heavens. In the end all I have been doing was to try to be strong to still be myself and 6 years later I feel completely lost. I don't know who I am and I feel I have been thrown to a existence I never wanted to be. It is unfair. Whether I like it or not, it's just One foot in front of the other. Ana
  2. Oh, I'm an early bird. I cannot stay in bed for more than an hour. I generally don't fall asleep again. My thoughts start racing (to nowhere) so I get up. I'm thinking at your question, what I would need to change to be a better person.....
  3. This is so real. So true. I totally relate Marg
  4. You will survive. Trust this. Trust this when the storm is all over the place. It is one day at a time. You did it today. You'll do it tomorrow. One foot in front of the other.
  5. Yes. Find a place were you can express yourself freely without judgement. Were you can cry. Therapy, grief group. This forum. This is a scary thing to write but your journey has just started. We all here have been when you are today, but you don't walk alone. Not here. Your friends won't get it and those who will stand to witness your pain are going to be few. I lost my boyfriend 5 years ago. He was 31. This is the most compassionate place ever.
  6. I expect a set back and be all locked down again.
  7. The big bed expanded the feeling of loneliness and abandonment. Back then I had too much on myself at the time to go to bed while I was staying with my parents. I couldn't add more painful feelings. If I had been a Greek God, I would have set fire to all, our bed, our clothes, our apartment. two weeks later after he died, I had to move out. I will never, EVER, forget the moment when I closed our bedroom door and left our home for the last time. I have survived to all that. But I'm carrying too many scars, too many wounds, too many burials, to many left behind. As long as I'm alive, my pursuit is serenity. I have no big dreams anymore. I have downsized my expectations. I have downsized my bed. Perhaps that's the reason I never attached myself to anything else.
  8. After widowed, I never slept on a double bed again. I can't do it. Mine is a small size bed and fits perfectly with what remained of myself.
  9. I read somewhere that your wife had horses....I guess you can find a piece of her in them. They are remarkable healing creatures. Just a thought.
  10. Hello Metal. I'm sorry for your loss. I was young too when my boyfriend died. And because of our youth, it's very very hard to find compassion and support. Because none gets it! Our friends are planning their futures and they will tell you to go there, not to look to the past. You will hear: they would want you to be happy. Nothing makes sense now. Our past, our present and our future have been crashed. This forum is the right place. We were, we are, going through something that feels like hell. We lost our soulmates and our old selves too. I have a cliche made by myself: I was killed and have been left alive. It won't be easy but you are not alone. I nod at everything you said and I have been were you are. You will make it today and you will make it tomorrow. One day at a time. Find spaces to talk. Counselling. Support groups. I found it here.
  11. This is all very sad. I see what's going on in other countries and it's sad. Some relatives of mine are seeing each other, some compounds are letting/looking the other way/ people to gather for lunch or dinner. I'm trapped in an apartment feeling like a stupid. Since the city council allowed going out with a mask, people just went out. Wearing a mask is not enough and only if used correctly. Which I wonder.... This isolation won't last any longer. The equation health vs economy won't hold too long. Anywhere. You may think who is gonna buy clothes next month? In Bangladesh, people are back to textile factories (together with Turkey, they are major suppliers of clothes for Western low cost and luxury brands). People in Berlin were saying: we are gonna die one way or another. Well....
  12. Oh Gwen, I woke up at 8 to catch up with study, and I realised I missed reading some material posted on the virtual platform for today's lesson, plus a meeting on Friday which was not on the weekly calendar and I didn't check for updates. I'm someone who tends to be too much responsible with the things I am committed with, and I felt very bad. I left the online class after an hour because I didn't read the bibliography they were discussing. At noon I was supposed to go online for another meeting about a project I have been invited to collaborate with, a friend of mine suggested my name to the group, and I missed checking on my email with the URL to the meeting platform. I waited for a message but I was already late. I felt devastated, like I was so tired and worn out since 8am that I couldn't think properly, with clarity, I went to bed and stayed there the whole afternoon weeping....for things I know are just Nothing! I miss my boyfriend so much lately, so so bad, I looked at pictures, my heart was totally broken. I listened to Adam Driver's song in Marriage Story and I cried more. I thought I could manage this confinement and perhaps I was wrong! Two weeks ago I was totally well and ok, now I'm not. Maybe I won't make it through this experience the way I thought I would. My boyfriend spent long weeks and months in quarantine. How he could do it? How he could make it? I write this and I'm crying at the thought of it. I'm not as strong and resilient anymore. But then....feelings are not facts. My body hasn't changed. My hair colour is dying, yes .and the circles below my eyes are getting darker, I don't use make up but they are too noticeable on a conference call. Concealers help a little bit. To hide all the imperfections I should wear a Kardashian style make up I want all.of this to end soon.
  13. You're right Marg. Politics should not be discussed here. I have cancelled my post.
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