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About scba

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    my boyfriend
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  1. I would like to share mine, too. What has helped me: - Going back to therapy. My therapyst is younger than me but he works with cancer patients so he understands pain, grief and suffering. It helps to talk to someone who has had a similar experience about loss, and who bears witness to suffering. - Work out. I went to yoga for two years. It helped me to relax my muscles. I had no previous experience with yoga and no flexibility, but it has helped me on muscular level. Long Meditation, on the contrary, hasn´t helped me. It made me feel sad and empty afterwards. Nowadays, I practise yoga with Youtube guru: "Yoga with Adrienne". Last year, I also went to the gym due to back pain and it helped me to build cardio resistance. During summer, I quit and did some gym at home (with the AC turned on). There are good workout tutorials on Youtube for the amount of time you can take. I´m not sure what type of work out routine I´m going to pursuit this year. - Going to class. I signed up to short courses on topics that would interest me or that were totally unfamiliar to me. The key to me is: short courses with no required homework (unless you want to explore more on the subject). In the early months I was scared that I was loosing my intellectual capacities as well. Although I am still not able to read a book, going to classes helps to focus on something that is going on in front of me. - Going to work and in so, build up a solid schedule. My grief journey is a mess, but work provides me with some predictability on what may happen everyday. On the spiritual level: - Quit looking for answers to my questions. I am not religious and I felt lost and angry. I found I would never receive a reply to my Why and What for. I left behind that phase for my own sake. I make no questions anymore. I have accepted that my boyfriend is dead and all its consequences. I have accepted that I live with those consequences. One the social level: - I don´t see any positive improvements on that and I have no tools to offer on this issue. I´m now good at casual conversation but very bad going into deep subjects. The """"""good""""" thing about being a young widow is that, when people tells you that you have your whole life ahead, I think: "I have my whole life ahead to work on my social skills, no rush then to be who you want me to be today". I have been judged that if after 4 years I´m grieving, it is my own choice, meaning I have a bad/depressed/sad/careless/selfish/non filter attitude. Ok then, I have 40 years to work on my attitude. No rush to became a butterfly. My two cents. Peace to all of you.
  2. Thanks everybody for your kind words. I appreciate each of them. This is a tough week for everybody so I wish peace to all of you. Ana
  3. I don´t know what to say with regards to holidays. Perhaps "I wish a peaceful time as much as it could be". "I wish this too shall pass". My Xmas was a sad one, and these days I feel very sad. Did I grow strong to face them? Probably. At the same time, it´s sad to try to be strong so as to face a week of the year when everybody seems to be really happy and sharing good news. Just only one friend, who is grieving, told me: "I understad why are you sad". "Count your blessings" "your boyfriend would want you to be happy". Somehow it makes me feel sadder and ashamed. If someone feels ashamed of still grieving, I would like to suggest the following article (just click on the title): Grief and Shame: An unnaceptable combination You all are on my thougts and prayers. Ana
  4. Dear friends from the forum, it´s been long since the last time I´ve posted an update on the post I started in 2015. I´ve quoted that, cause it´s coming again, once more. I simply don´t know where to start. So much have happened this year and still, I am unhappy and feel empty, just spiritually empty. I stopped making questions to heavens, I stopped looking for answers, I stopped fighting against the finality of his death, I have accepted he is dead. I have accepted to live with a wound in my soul, with a tragedy having happened in my life. I came to terms with grief waves, with what grief entails. With secondary losses. And etc. I have accepted all of that, all of it and I thought that acceptance would lead me to a better place......but healing hasn´t happened. I am still unhappy, still empty, still detached, still seing nothing from the future. I am an empty cage. Surely my soul must have left my body with my boyfriend´s departure. That´s how it feels. I have been in a tsunami, in a hurricane, in a sea storm, sort of saying..but now I feel I am standing in a swamp. My grief changes. Or hasn´t. I have written about the following many times. What surrounds me are babies, weddings, pregnancies, dating, that´s majority. And I feel so much pain bearing witness to that with as much dignity as possible, trying to be a good friend that cares. But then something breaks inside of me because I had that, and had the project of that and it was ripped away from me!!!!!! Because I knew how it felt!!!! And then, I care about them no more. And so you can pretend to be cool and fine, but inside you are not the same. I don´t want to hear that I´m young and I could meet someone. I just don´t care.I don´t want a relationship, I want my boyfriend. That´s the problem. It was true what I knew in my heart when I met him, that I would be unhappy to live without him. Now it is reality. Here it is. I was right. Does he know it? Does he know I am unhappy without him? And it hurts. It really hurts. Another year in which I feel LOST AND EMPTIED! You are all in my thoughts and prayers. I read all of your posts. Peace. Ana
  5. OMG How rude and cruel! The same as with Tom. Do you like to be unhappy, eeehhhh??? But then, there are those who, like Marg´s neighbour, honor life and loss. There is still hope.
  6. I´m so sorry you have had to suffer such rude comments.
  7. Thank you all. I was 35 y/o then, the benefit of being a young widow was that. I have forgiven these people, cause they don´t know what they were talking about. I can acknowledge now that they didn´t want to hurt me. I wish they will never know about profound loss, and I have took distance from them. Some have had babies and I haven´t visited them. I moved on, but from them. I have followed their advice. I think it was you Marg who once said: do not talk to those whose feet haven´t touched the flames. It was an invaluable lesson, you were right. I have followed that advise since then. I guess people don´t get they are dealing with someone who has changed and probably not for the very best, they still think we are still who we were and if we are not, well it is us who are "responsible" for our attitudes. After some time, it´s our "choice" to grieve or not. But we have this place. We shouldn´t be here no have had these experiences and feeling we are sharing. But at least we have MArty´s place to sit down all together.
  8. Wishing you as much confort as it could be. Rely on parents and friends.
  9. Dear Kieron, Unfortunately the answer to that is YES. Yes they are. Not everybody. This site is an example of all the contrary. I will never forget that, 6 months after my beloved passed (which also ment to move back to my parent`s and leave the city where I`ve lived for 4 years), I`ve been texted: "Are you ENJOYING your time with your parents?" Two month after his passing, a best friend from college told me that it was time to close my previous life and move on. Before his passing, she implied that my bf sickness was related to some theory that is going around about "you`re the result of your thoughts". My BF was dying because he didn had the RIGHT thoughts????? Peace. Ana
  10. Dear Katie, we are thinking and praying for you. Please, any time you feel unwell ask for help. Call someone, go to ER. You don't have to stand up for anything elese on your own. You are not alone. Ask for help and care. Peace Ana
  11. Gin, I send you virtual hugs from here. Peace. Ana
  12. I have no clue about how it happened, however I have no more strength to fight this fight, I am phisically, emotionally and psichologically exausted and drained. I have dealt with that all alone. Feel I can't add nothing more to my backpack at the moment. It feels too heavy. I asked my doctor if I can visit next year and talk about it more in depth. I even lost weight, which is not good considering I am already thin, I can see the changes on my chest. And in the colour of my skin. I havent noticed it before. This 2018 has been another horrible year and I sincerely want to sit down and wait until it is gone. I want to take care of myself with primary care, slow down, eat better, make excersice, sleep. My doctor told me that my body would need 3 month to recover from this stressing episode. Each time, I wonder how I ended up here, why am I talking about PSTD? I should be raising our family. Then, I remember....
  13. We are with you and the boys.
  14. Hello everybody: I wanted to update you that my second health tests have got good results and so, I`m not sick. However, doctors cannot explain some otucomes from blood tests. My Ph. mentioned PTSD. Which makes sense to me. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers during these endless weeks fo awaiting. Peace Ana.