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About scba

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    my boyfriend
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  1. It's my turn. Today is our anniversary. 4 years together against 5 years only me. I feel so much pain right now that I can't remember how we celebrated. I will survive today, just don't know how. My heart is breaking in million pieces of glass, and I'm walking barefoot.
  2. Keanu Reeves: ‘Grief and loss, those things don’t ever go away’ "In 1999, his long-term girlfriend, Jennifer Syme, gave birth to their daughter Ava, who was stillborn. The couple broke up soon after, and two years later Syme was killed in a car accident. He has also never spoken publicly about their deaths, and who can blame him? But given that the heart of the Wick films is about him mourning a lost love, the resonance is hard to ignore. "What is it about grief that interests him? “Well, for the character and in life, it’s about the love of the person you’re grieving for, and any time you can keep company with that fire, it is warm. I absolutely relate to that, and I don’t think you ever work through it. Grief and loss, those are things that don’t ever go away. They stay with you.” Has he been thinking more about the people he has lost as he’s grown older? “I don’t think it’s about getting older. It’s always with you, but like an ebb and flow,” he says".
  3. JTP, I can see myself in each word you wrote. I lost my boyfriend in 2014. This is THE place of caring and understanding. Grief is a lonely place, but not here. Ana
  4. I get it too. I have felt the same in my last 5th birthdays. It`s a horrible calendar day that bring me anxiety and sadness. We understand you. I wish you peace today. Ana
  5. I feel the same. These have been the worst years of my life and nothing, really nothing, can ammend that. It gets softer, but this softness cannot erase or cancel what these years have been to me. Life goes on. I`m scared of it and at the same time I feel I cannot fear anything else. I`ve been killed and have been left alive. Peace. Ana.
  6. Dear Kay, I don`t know in which thread this was, but I too join the others with thoughts and prayers for you and your health. Ana
  7. Dear Nika, I´m very sorry for your loss. I lost my fiance 4 years ago. He was what it was best in my life. Ana
  8. I´m on the same boat. The two Xmas Eve I organized to be spent the two of us alone, were cancelled because he was hospitalized. I remember decorating our first appartment, and it didn`t happen. I remember spending our first Xmas in hospital, I was so sad. Like a little child. I couldn`t hide my sadness. It was too much to handle. I hated Heavens for breaking my dreams. He was better than me in so many ways, he tried to do his best, from a hospital bed, to make me happy. I was overwhelmed, I couldn`t be. Oh God I have tears in my eyes now. I behave like a stupid child and I will never have a second chance AGAIN! So, I have never had a Xmas with him as any other couple does, with a tree and a meal and a Xmas breakfast, and now I will never have. Because of that, I hate Xmas, as it is the day of things which will never be. Xmas, Easter Holidays and etc are just any other breaks in the calendar and I don`t pay much attention about what do I do those days.
  9. Hello Johnny, I´m very sorry for your loss, and glad you find your way till this forum, which is of tremendous help. There are no judgment here, nor a race to see who is doing better. In fact, what´s a good grief? We are all strong, IN SPITE OF the personal tragedy we are all enduring and coping with. I´m strong but not for conviction, rather than survival necessity. I never asked nor wanted to be who I am today. I didn`t need this in order to learn life lessons. So, when non-mourners tell me "you`re strong" it feels like a stone medal. My inner "me" is silently saying "who cares? I couldn`t care less if I`m strong, I lost the love of my life! I don`t want to be strong, I want him back!". My problem is that I´m very much aware about what caused this present time. 5 years later I struggle with this new life, this new me, and a supposed legacy from him which I cannot feel nor see. I`m not wiser, though it feels like I have been chosen to be revealed "the other side of the coin". I have experienced it all: living in hell, not wanting to live, emptiness, void, anxiety, hoplesness, profound sadness, lack of purpose, a pain that has no name, fear, panic, crying out of nowhere. Yet, here I am. I have never been happy again and of that too, I`m aware from time to time. In fact, I got used to live with unhapiness, and somehow it doesn`t hurt anymore as before. Maybe it`s brain fog, brain cheating, brain tricks. I made a math count, If I live till 80 y/o I would have spent more than 10 hundred days without him. At this figure, I´m oriented to believe in an eternal afterlife. That´s the only thing I could think of in terms of "repairing" what´s been done. Grief feels like crazy. It´s not about that someone is dealing with grief better, we do what we can. Really. We all do. You do too. It takes one day at a time. The first two years are very, very hard. Peace to you, Ana
  10. Surely it must be taken into account that mental disorders exist and are subject of diagnosy and treatment. I don't know if Grief is one of those, being in the experience doesn't make me an expert, but I take Marty's opinion as one of authority in the matter and I share what she says. Having said that, it seems that with grief happens the same as with love. When science try to label and conceptualize love, it sounds all wrong. If there's something wrong with me after 5 years, well I can't take it back and give it back! My 2 cents.
  11. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, it's said. I feel like Grief hasn't killed me because I tried very hard to be strong so as to keep being alive in a world without him. I told my therapist that two years ago I felt like sinking in the sea. But now I feel I made it to a foreign shore and builded up a "fortress" to survive. For a week I have received, each day, a news from the following: pregnancy, couples moving together, dating time, projects, baby births. They used to put me in a place of anxiety, of running home and spend the rest of the day crying. Those don't tear me down to bed anymore. I still feel a lack of interest in them, though, and automatically the news confront my life. I don't have an aim, a purpose, a project, I don't truly expect anything anymore. What do you want to do with your life? What just happens, I will manage. I must have been left so drained in all possible levels from 4 years of solid unhappiness. Pain transforms you deeply. I feel safe saying it here. Maybe there are no more pieces left to be broken. Maybe there are no more tears left to shed. I am strong. Am I, really? Just thoughts on another Friday night.
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