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scba

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Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Spain

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    my boyfriend
  • Date of Death
    2014
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

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  1. I don't know if someone relates, but lately I find myself shedding tears on Sunday afternoons-evenings. It feels like my grief has returned with it's own "variant" and I don't know why, or maybe I know why. No matter how much I try, I cannot fight the feeling of feeling pain in my heart. I thought I have acquired enough tools by now. People have started again with the saying: you're too young, what are you going to do with your life. Look at Biden, he found a new love after a tragedy. You should change landscape, change work, you don't go out, you don't have a group of friends where you live, why you are still living here and etc.... I don't want to hear this cause it causes me pain and at the same time I understand why they tell IT cause it's been 7 years and I'm 41. I cannot keep hiding behind "you don't understand". Is this an excuse? I'm very confused. Ana
  2. My boyfriend had a fragile health, vulnerable to viruses. I can't utter the words aloud but I can voice them here... this virus at any of his variants would have killed him. Last year, I spent many nights thinking that he would have died anyway. We couldn't have had escaped. Those nights were terribly cold.
  3. There's a point in a young widow's journey in which the pain becomes manageable and you are close to "forget" that you are someone who has been ripped off. A moment is when you hangout with your young friends and you feel comfortable with that, meaning you won't start crying out of nowhere and leave. All goes relatively well and you grow in confidence, and then it comes the talking moment in which the divorced and single pals go from: "I am finally free / I don't want a man to live with me again / If he stays he must leave the next morning / I'm not seeking for love anymore, I want a non strings attached thing". I nod in polite agreement. Who am I to judge anybody's choices and statements about love? I have learned to separate what happens to them from what happened to me. But at the same time I feel the resentment growing in my chest, aimed at nobody in particular. I have learned through pain that some questions and thoughts are replied with a loudly silence. In a world where commitment is lacking, as it seems, I'd do as Orfeo in the Greek myth did, I'd go to Hell if that means to bring my boyfriend back to life, TO ME, TO MY ARMS, even if he dumps me a minute later!!!!! I too want to yell my statement and rage about our unfair destiny!!!!! A second has passed and I am still nodding at them in polite agreement.... There's a moment in which you learn to coexist in/with contradiction. I was part of a very special and privileged club until a bill was delivered requesting the payment for its membership. The highest price. Sunday ramble.....
  4. Dear one, I'm very sorry for your loss. I was 35yo when I lost him, he was 31yo. Let me assure you that it's ok that you're not ok. It's ok wanting to "leave" this earth, wanting to sleep, wanting to be isolated. Your may not be depressed, you are first and foremost grieving. It's very very painful. I described it in my therapy sessions as a "sword" as an "incandescent knife on my chest". Now i say "it's like desert". Things will change. Your brain and your body are working through an unexpected death and it's consequences, which are shock and "waking up" happening in the same hour, minute and day. You trying to battle your body and your brain NOW will lead you to nowhere because it cannot be fixed, it can only be carried. You will survive this. Trust us. Eat, drink water, shower and sleep. Survival. Go one day at a time. No positivism, no being strong. And yes you will fake your feelings because our young friends don't understand. I love my best friend but she told me there were many divorced men for me. We are here and you are not alone in this. This is the most compassionate site you could have found.
  5. I understand. My boyfriend was dying in ICU. I rubbed his bared feet in despair. Maybe he was gone but his body was still there, functioning through a machine constantly beeping. I asked the ICU workers to do something. They were wearing masks. Her eyes expressed nothing, or maybe resignation. I was standing there surrounded by cables, monitors, machines, rubbing his feet feeling hopeless. Feeling death there. Just there. Because the girl who was in the bed in front of his, passed away the night before. She was in his 20, the only child of a single mother. Death didn't go. It stayed and was waiting for him. Yes. Some memories and experiences you can't recover from.
  6. Has anyone heard from Mitch? He seems to be absent lately.
  7. It's been a year since I've started working from home and this self lockdown plus isolation has turned me into a workaholic. Before, work didn't enter these walls. Now I find myself being anxious cause there's always something that needs to be done/search/an email to write. I'm finding that I'm feeling like this because I fear the feeling of nothingness, of the void that'll always be there. I'm trying to fill the void with extra work and frustration cause the One will never enter that door again and mark the end of the working day. None cares if dinner is ready or what's happened today. And so I work until 11pm, go to bed and I don't have a good sleep. and I wonder: is this all there's? Is this what's going to be? An existence of working, some resting, some tv and some groceries? I guess this is plain and simple widowhood. It feels like..... A desert.
  8. Thanks for sharing your achievements. It's so important in our journeys
  9. Sunday afternoons and evenings are the worst days of the week. I found ways with coping with Mon-Sat evenings, but nothing seems to work on Sundays, when I feel an utter emptiness, loneliness and pain, and whatever I do it's like it's being done by a machine. The I'm alone hits harder and there's nowhere to scape. Saturdays are easier. I'm so used to now not going out and not having any plans anymore for Saturday while others are enjoying their youth. But Sunday is different. And so I put myself to work so I get tired and go to bed quickly. It feels so empty without him. We cherished our Sunday.... This too, shall pass? (Retoric...)
  10. I lost my dog two months ago and since then I've been incapable to show affection and attention to other dogs. People expect others to be affectionate to their pets but I can't do that naturally, I feel I'm being forced to show attention to their dogs cause that's the right thing to do with animals. I loved my dog so much, but just my dog it seems.
  11. Btw, I practice yoga but for some reason I'm not a Yogui in mind. If only it's the way my body found to call for my attention. When I stop practising for weeks, my body starts aching a lot. It sooths the body and surely the breathing helps. I highly recommend it. There's a branch named yoga for Grief. I wish I could have practised that with a certified trainer. Perhaps I could get that and help young people like me who was asked to do some excersise but the physical and psycologycal pain was too much for standing Zumba, pilates or aerobics.
  12. Thanks Kieron for your comment and I understand what you mean. All I can say, and I posted it here many times, that our grief for loosing our soulmates means also to learn to live with its and our contradictions. Our landscape is forever changed and they will keep emerging. "Get used to them".
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