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scba

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  1. This was my first post here. 2015. Seems a lifetime ago. I don't go back to read my posts. Grief has been demanding to say the least. Looking back I could lable it "hell" but not Bible like hell. Am I still grieving? I don't know. I cannot tell for sure. What I feel actually is that I'm dealing with the consequences of having grieved for so many years. How many? I would say 7 or 8. It is the amount of years that adolescence lasts, for instance. I can list some of the lasting consequences: I have faith in nothing in the sense that I don't expect anything to last or to fill me completely. I feel everything is temporal, the place I live, the job I have, the objects that surround me. I fear future. I fear that God will summon again and punish me with that kind of pain. I expect little from people and I don't put much effort in becoming closer or attached. I got used to being alone and feel alone. I grew up a quiet life full of small cozy things and my personal interests which are many. But it is a tiny world. I have not made new friends that didn't know me from "before". I have met very nice acquaintances though. I feel my eyes are changed and something has been erased or lost in them. I still cannot talk to new people about being a young widow. They think I am single or a spinster and I let them to think that. Because I don't talk or ask about other people's couple/dating life I don't comment on mine. It is like my secret from the past, a conversation with myself like a heroine from a Bronte book. People tell me that I'm kind and cultured. Good listenet and noble I have strong health too. My boyfriend's grandpa told me: do not waste your youth. It is too late for that. Just wanted to say Hi here and tell that I still read. Please take care Ana
  2. It is not political. By chance I got to see some clips from last Texas shooting. Two things were stricking. On a first clip people were running for their lives but still carrying big shopping store bags. Like consumption coexisting with violence. On a second clip two police officers seemed to be searching for the shooter. While they were carrying large weapons a Madonna's song was still playing on the mall: Beautiful strager. The song was interrupted by an authomatic voice machine telling people.to find a safe spot. When the machine delivered the message, Madonna's song resumed.
  3. Hello Gwen. I know that feeling very well. The thing is different for me now and I don't know how to describe this "stage"..... I don't have that feeling of wondering how I will survive this day, the next one and so on. I know I have survived and I know this is it. I have a job, rent an apt, go to the gym, chat with people, defend values, stay healthy. I have made to have an ordinary life and I don't know what more I can do with it, with the past, with the future. I cannot congratulate myself, feel proud, this is not a degree.... I have made it to the beach and it means nothing. Of course it is better than feeling pain every single day. But I didn't expect this nothingness from the ordinary as as result. This is what having survived means to me and it is quite empty to be honest. I still cannot count my blessings and feel grateful. I keep that in rebellion. All that grieving for what? For being here and just by myself. People outside have NO CLUE about what "healing" really is and how it really looks.
  4. Dear James I miss being his girlfriend so so so much. I would do ANYTHING to be his champion again. I have had many dreams about it in which I told him: Tell me what I can do I will do it. It was the thing I was proudest of. I felt BLESSED AND LUCKY and I have never experienced that state of self being and self awareness again. All I can wish for is that he is going to protect me all times. I was his ultimate love and I don't know what to do with all of it. I got used to this new life if not for survival purposes only. I know I have a lot of existence in front of me.
  5. Dear Sheemie I am very sorry for your loss and I understand you although it's been 8 years for me. Fog of fire, it is an interesting wording. I like it. I still feel the fire of rage and pain deep inside l, sometimes. Nobody knows I am a widow here where I live and I wasn't his wife but I feel I am a widow regardless. It is the only label I own by myself. My nieces live abroad and I don't feel I am an auntie at all. I am not an auntie I am not a wife I am not a widow and I am not a mother. I feel I am nobody but a lonely woman. Today is one of those days. I miss to be hugged so much by him and to hear that all is going to be fine because he is with me. I can close my eyes and invent a scene but it is not real not him not his hug. If he is seeing me I told him this morning: you will now see me crying and I don't care if it was not your fault. But you left me here alone in a soulless world and I wouldn't have been hurt by these people if you were alive because none of this would have happen in the first place I would not be living here having this evil boss and being ghosted and hurt by people I used to care I would not feel betrayed. All this babbling happened this morning after showet and I feel sick and tired right now. Nauseating in a soulless world. I didn't die but I lost my soul. Peace Ana
  6. I support everything you have said about this site. I work in Research and congrats for your Fellowship. What an accomplishment! Can you share a link about the site?
  7. I will take from here to add my point of view about the initial post. I don't eat at the table anymore. I eat in a small table adapted to my sofa. It is uncomfortable for my back but this I prefer rather than feeling miserable at being alone in my own table with an empty chair in front of me. My single friends place their laptop or IPad in front of them. I just can't without feeling that pain I know well. I miss HIS company and sometimes any kind of company. I have adapted to being on my own but it is not something I feel I should be praised for. It is not exciting either. The glam around single life eludes me. Making new friends as an adult is very hard when you were never "popular". I have many virtual friends because we live far away from each other now. Making face to face friends is difficult. When my finances were better I attended many groups but people were interested in you, to a point, because you were there. But they won't call you outside from that place. You just met there and that's it. It is the way it is in the Capital. And I assume for big cities too. I have noticed lately a tendency to show lack of commitment in workplace and personal relations. It is all fine as long as you don't bring your personal burden to me. As long as this is useful and funny for me. I will leave the issue of finding love again. I am a scientist and I work with data. My data shows that most of my life I have been around being unnoticed by guys. I am not the type who attracts them. My BF was jealous and I was like: you shouldn't. No evidence of someone chasing me. My data tells me there is little probability. Jane Austin says it better in her novel Emma.
  8. I have the theory that in spite of abundance of good hearts, the ultimate truth lying inside for most people is that they don't want to hear about death loss and grief. If they could be vocal all times they would say it plain and simple. This is the only explanation I have to the fact that widowed people stop talking, start lying and start hiding. I know I have done this in order to be "back to the world". In being back I lost my soul. My mind and my body are back but my soul is gone.
  9. We had the best and some people want to get into a relationship. I understand and support that. I'm happy at those who have done it. But I'm against the pervading cultural concept that being in a new relationship equals to rebuild your life. That's the motto attached to re-partnered widowed people. What about the rest? Those who can't or don't want to?
  10. I am in the pool of those who are young and might have "more chances". I tell you the dating landscape is somber. My single friends are in relationships (?) with divorced men with kids met on Tinder who don't want to raise a family again. They meet time to time. They go for a weekend getaway. They go out for dinner. But none is part of the life of the other. It is all free and open, for both sides, but nothing too engaging. Nobody wants to deal with past to present drama. There is a so called "No strings attached agreement" on both sides. I think (but I don't say it to them) a man is going to still want to chase a younger woman if he can. We are all adults and we know what we need and want and what we can have. I have had the best and what I believe has been the Grace from God and my boyfriend gave his life for a future together. I don't see how to go from something life changing, to look for or enter into a dinamic that will make me feel like I have to accept to be a diet yogurt. None has approached me in these 8 years. Not even an inch. I must have built a wall that others can see and I don't. The introduction statement behind the wall cannot help: I'm a political scientist. I wonder how that sounds today... I have "practiced" several answers to the "anxiety question": would you like to meet someone? Do you see dating someone in your future? I went from: "what I have seen is me and my boyfriend getting married and raising our family"..to "only if the guy promises me not to die"....I also included God in things like "I know He has a surprise for me in store"..and when none of that works I go with the: "why would someone date ME?". To this question people rehearse multiple answers with no evidence to support them. The answers change to suggestions. And they end with cliché. To these I raise my two eyebrows. Grey's Anatomy has made a lot of damage. I have shared Drew Barrymore's recent statements about not being in a relationship and not wanting to have sex. I hope she's not receiving unwanted suggestions. I am having a quiet dinner alone. God will do the rest from his store. Ana
  11. But if they hire people in American territory they would have to pay higher wages plus social services. And maybe they would charge you for the call. It is cheaper to hire off shore services. People abroad are almost bilingual nowadays. If you speak decent English, there are more possibilities to earn some more money. The average income in Asia for call center workers would be less than 300 dollars. You would say that life is cheaper there. That is from the point of view from wealthy nationals and wealthy retired foreigners. And tourists. Commodities (food and oil) are goods with prices in dollars. Regardless of the currency of your country. It can be checked with the Made in China/Turkey/Morocco tag from Wallmart clothes. Taiwan used to be fashionable in the 90s. Rising inequality and climate change..... That is the effect from globalization and it cannot be changed. We are not going back. I just wanted to describe it. Not implying anything about anyone here. It is not political either. Ana
  12. Hello Marg. I'm sorry you feel the way you do. You have a sister in misery here too. My words cannot help anyone either and I promise from today to try my best to not give advice any more, be them smart or silly. I'm not speaking of this sacred place. I'm talking about my family. I have been caught in my pride and have been punished, humiliation included in my own humble home. I put my nose around people who from my point of view is dealing with major mental health issues as I cannot understand why they behave in such a way. My 8 months pregnant SIL is staying at my place because her own mother can't have her cause her dog is old and cries and scare her. I questioned that notion that choice. I don't understand it. My own brother felt my questioning as an attack to her own wife. She cried. It must have behaved very bad in another life, if such a thing truly exists. I thought I have already paid my dues but I was wrong. I have a lot to learn from people I can't truly understand and they are my own family. This is all wrong. This is because my boyfriend died. I am in a room, closed doors, and my SIL is sobbing I can hear her. Yes, this is because my boyfriend died cause we lived in another country so I shouldn't be here in this room in this apartment. I have been wrong since the moment I thought he would survive and wake up. From there I have been wrong every day. Don't go far away dear Marg.
  13. LOL!!!! I say the same and I've found that by invoking God's name next to finding someone people stop talking and change subject immediately. I'm sure God understands.....
  14. Thank you Kieron for your testimony as you showed us the other side of the desk. I don't know in which side I belong since I choose consciously not to read his autopsy file. There is a chapter in Didion's the year of magical thinking describing her journey through the medical records.
  15. May I ask how do you do this kind of Journaling of addressing them and recognizing them? Your experience sounds very interesting. The environment is degrading very fast. Yes. Yet there are people who don't believe in climate change. I'm pessimistic. To tackle that for good would require a brutal change/slash of consumer patterns. It won't happen.
  16. What saddens me is that 8 years I cannot tell or discen which ones are from him. This is what "time" truly does.
  17. When I wake up I go to my journal and write the dream so as not to forget later. I write my question/s. But never my thoughts on them. Some dreams I know it is him visiting. Others are projections from his image.
  18. Beautiful words. I wish I could communicate better. Or that he could communicate better when I see him in my dreams (average, once each 2 months). When I ask him a question (usually the same Qs) he doesn't reply and I wake up.
  19. I got a facial massage this week. I have felt angry and frustrated about very unimportant things and people's reactions and comments to which I gave too much overthinking that all went to my face and my traits were in tension. My yoga practice was not well maybe I pushed myself too hard in some hatha asanas just to release tension that the opposite happened. My body has not been relaxed. In these 8 years I have learned to pay attention to my body needs although my non stop mind-thinking prevails. I wish I never needed to get a massage but well. I do what I have to do to take care of myself. It is my top priority. Once you form some self care habits there is no going back. The feeling of serenity given by small things we do for ourselves, for as long as it lasts, is a treasure amid the grief waves. Peace. Ana
  20. Imo The scariest thing of being alone, after the loss of your soulmate, is the person you are becoming against your will and the place/role you are now in other's life, precisely because you are alone.
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