soulmates7478

Kayc, thank you for your response and thank you for redirecting me to the right threads. I couldn't agree more with you that the grief /loss we feel is in direct correlation to the depth of the love we experienced. I am just still in such a disbelief. I am totally ok at times and wonder how I do it and then it hits me like crazy again and I feel guilty for being ok, like I am betraying him. I keep convincing myself that he would want me to be happy just to get through the day. I keep wondering and am looking for answers but realizing that all my questions will never be answered. What's the point of loving, getting attached? What's the point of loving so deeply when at the end one will be hurt?

I found this page when searching for comforting material online...I really enjoy browsing through similar experiences, pain we are going through, but mostly the positive and uplifting comments on this site . So I have decided to write too because I believe getting your emotions out to the world helps us all in the grieving process. I lost my partner S. 52 days ago from cardiac arrest. 40 year old healthy man "fell asleep" in the car on his way to work. If I knew that day before he left for work, that that was our last kiss and last hug I would never let him go. It's been a taugh journey since he left. I feel like part of me is gone. But it's ok as long as this part of me missing is with him. We were so close and honestly never fought. He was all and more that I ever dreamed of. I'm trying really hard to accept the fact that he is not physically present anymore but found a lot of comfort in learning about life after death and believing that he is still here just not the way I was used to. His absence is killing me!What kills me also is that all my beliefs, theories are gone. I don't know what to believe in anymore. In short... I left my country at early age, worked hard, adopted to the new culture, educated myself and always believed in being a good person. It wasn't easy but I did and was really proud of myself. Found myself in a abusive relationship, got out after two years. A month later my ex commited a suicide. Left everything on me to handle, his parents were not involved in his life. A lot of stres but I managed it. Two years went by and I met a love of my life S. I was so grateful that he showed up and daily told him how much I appreciate the smallest things he did for me. I thought to myself, all the hard work and drama I had before was worth it if I had to go through to meet the love of my life. I was always very positive and always looked for a bright side of life events. Always said that I became who I was ( after S. death I am not who I used to be) because of my life experiences and didn't regret anything in life even the most painful moments. S and I had a perfect relationship, I had absolutely nothing to complain about. We had the basics such as respect and honesty and we had it all. We were happy doing whatever just to be together. I truly just exist since his passing. I do believe we will be together again when it's my time to leave this place but am so looking for him to communicate with me. Maybe I am wanting it to much, but believe this will be a major breakthrough for me. I want to live for him because I know that would make him happy but it's so hard. I isolated myself from people. I just get irritaded with comments like "It will get better with time."... I don't need to hear that right now so I feel better just being alone. Books, articles online, spiritual movies have helped but this site is simply awesome. I am so grateful to all of you for sharing your pain, comforting words to eachother... I got to realize I am not alone and I THANK YOU FOR THAT!