I am so sorry for your loss. Suicide is so very complex and the survivors are left with so many questions. I am speaking from both sides as I have been affected by someone close taking their own life and I have tried myself about a year and a half ago. I can only tell you what I was thinking at the time was how I wanted the pain to end. I had been beaten down emotionally by family so much that I felt completely worthless as a wife and mother and human being. I didn't think I deserved my life. I am a former cutter/self harmer (since I was a teenager and off and on throughout my life). I went with what I knew and slit my wrist and took a few Xanax. I had been crying on the phone with my brother at the time and when I started not answering him he sent his wife over to check on me…Of course they called an ambulance and my daughter called my husband at work.The whole while all I wanted was to go to sleep..I got to the hospital with my sister in law by my side. I was in and out of consciousness. The doctors asking if i had done it on purpose this time and I didn't lie. I said yes. He said I just barely knicked an artery in my wrist. I needed a lot of stitching up.My husband showed up, having been at work. I kept telling him how sorry I was. At that point the decision to take me to a treatment facility was made…I could spend up to 72 hours there. I was too tired to fight it at that point.
Coming out of that was rough…The scars alone remind me every day what I did. I'm glad I didn't succeed though. Thinking back now with a clearer head my son would have been lost without me and knowing my daughter would have found me like that…well it kills me. I promised my family never again. What I want you to know is people who commit suicide aren't necessarily wanting to die…they want to end the pain they are in. It could take some investigating your mom's papers, journals, medications, doctors, etc…to maybe find out what was possibly going on that maybe she wasn't sharing with anyone else.
My aunt shot herself in the head while on the phone with her son as he was trying to get to her….we still don't know just why and that was in the early 80's. Sometimes we never fund out why. That is the saddest part. Its ok to be angry, but please…don't stay angry…especially if you loved that person.Let the anger go and try to find some kind of peace eventually. Talk to anyone you can who could shed some light on things. Do what you need to do to find out. Please don't think of her as selfish though. Believe me…in our minds, when we are contemplating it…we are thinking about what is best for everyone else…NOT us…we think you will be better off without us. That was my frame of mind. I was worthless.
Again…I am so very sorry for you loss….it is true somethings we never know the why of what happened. Don't let it weigh you down. It will consume you.