TamB

Hello All, Thank you for the warm responses. I figured that I should provide a follow-up since I started the thread. I don't know about you, but when I read different posts on forums, I'm always curious about how the situation is resolved. He came by - which was a surprise - I didn't even know he was back in town. It was awkward and strange for the first hour or so. We sat in silence for the most part. I was afraid to ask him any questions because of the way he spoke to me the last time we spoke - all cold and distant. Finally, I told him that I thought we should just be friends. I said that I didn't think we were as close as I originally thought, and that I did not wish to be someone he will discard during a tragedy. We got into a mild disagreement, but finally in the end - in a matter of words he said he wasn't letting me run away from him. He wouldn't leave. He told me that he tried to hold it together after the first two deaths, but by the third death - he lost it a bit, and he just needed me to be patient and wait for him to figure this out. I felt a strange mixture of admiration, bemusement, and a bit indignant. I've never had someone say no when I try to leave (or ask them to leave). Currently, I feel this strange combination of indignation and amusement. I have a feeling we will laugh about this one day - the time he wouldn't "let" me break up with him! So in the end - we ended up apologizing to each other - me for leaving him alone (in an attempt to give space) and him for shutting me out. And we actually ended up talking instead of sitting like two strangers. I think we still have a ways to go because a certain trust was broken this past month (for both of us), and we each have individual issues that we need to work out - but we are still together. Thank you again for listening. I appreciate it. Sometimes it helps to write stuff out and get the unbiased opinion of someone who is not involved.

I agree 100% KayC. They are indeed two separate situations, and yes, I do indeed need to talk to someone about my feelings towards my past relationship. And I will! lol I know my response is not the appropriate compassionate response to his pain. I know that. And I'm not proud of that. It's not the correct response - but it's an honest one. My feelings really have nothing to do with him - just like his need to shut me out has nothing to do with me. And I haven't said anything to him about my feelings - nor will I right now. I'm not going to put this on him. At this point, I think the best thing I can do for him is stay away. Which is why I've been venting to you all (lol) - so I won't be tempted to put this on him. He really was kind to me, and I have no desire to place an extra burden on him. However I now see that his coping mechanism is to shut people out temporarily. This is not actually the first time he's done it - he's done it mildly (a day or two) a few times before when faced with a negative experience. I'm not judging him. It's not a "bad" response - I'm positive that it's normal, but it's a response I can no longer handle. Not at this point in my life anyway. I most likely will not continue the relationship. Thank you for listening. I'm going to take a break from thinking about this for a while.

We have spoken a little the past two days - but only via email and it was very short. I only emailed him to let him know that I had to change my number. He responded back and said okay. He said he would call, but I felt myself tense when I read that and told him that he didn't have to and that this was not an attempt to force him to communicate. I told him to just focus on healing right now. He told me that the funeral was yesterday. I could feel his shock through the email. I told him that anyway he wished to express his grief (or not at this time) was okay and to cry, yell, or talk it out with someone if that is what he wanted to do. My mom told me that she was angry with my grandfather after he passed because she felt like he abandoned her. She said that yelling at someone during a grief therapy session helped her so much. Not saying that is what he needs to do, but just that I understand people react differently - and I wanted him to know whatever he was feeling was most likely normal. He said he was trying (to be okay) but it was hard. I suggested going to grief therapist when he feels up to it (as you suggested KayC), and then I left it at that. He actually sent me an email and said good morning. I think that was an attempt to bring some type of normality back. I didn't respond. I keep thinking that this is how my x-husband's depression started. I feel like I lost him in a way after his grandfather died. I said it was one year in our relationship, but it was closer to two years in our marriage that his grandfather died and he remembered something traumatic from his childhood. He was never the same. I would see peeks of the loving guy I married every so often, but he would shut down again after a while. I started to feel like he would reel me in sometimes just to toss me back out. He once told me that he had a lot of anger in him, and that he was "never letting it out." He's not mean in a direct in-your-face loud way - but it is an indifferent silent type of mean. This has nothing to do with my current relationship. I know this. They are two separate situations. But my mind is twisting them together. When I heard the detachment in my boyfriend's tone, and he spoke to me like I was a stranger who was bothering him - I heard my ex. When he wrote Good Morning this morning, I didn't trust his attempt to reach out. Same distrust I started to have with my ex when he would come out of his depressions. Isn't that crazy how just when you think you're over something - it all comes tumbling back at the most inappropriate and inconvenient time? And what's crazy is - I didn't realize how deeply the issues in my marriage truly affected me until now.

Hi...so I'm new here, but I think I might be able to offer a little insight. I was previously with someone who changed drastically after a death in his family; however, his depression and grief also stemmed from a repressed memory that came back after the death. I chose to stay with him. He didn't ask me to leave, but I felt like he clocked out mentally and emotionally. We were together for 14 years, but it was not easy. My only advice to anyone with a grieving or depressed partner is to: 1. Don't push him to talk if he has indicated that he does not want to. I did that in the beginning and I think it only made the situation worse. I think it made him feel bad and push me away even more. 2. Do something that you love to do and still participate in activities that you enjoy. I know that may sound selfish - but the stress of worrying about him will start to weigh you down. Halfway through my marriage, I started painting again and going out to museums - and it helped sooooo much. It gave me something to smile about. 3. Remember friends and/or family. Don't isolate yourself in this. The first half of my marriage after my husband's grandfathers death was so hard because I isolated myself with him in his grief/depression. I'm not saying not to be there for him, but it's okay to think about yourself too. People always ask me how I stayed for 14 years. I respond, "because I loved him, and I had to love myself too since he couldn't seem to do it anymore." I don't regret staying with him through it - just wish maybe I had not stayed so long. It took a toll on me. Oddly enough - he's seems stronger now that I left. We are even friends now (sort of...lol). He talks to me now (a little...lol). I hope your situation gets better. Take Care!

Thank you Anne. I appreciate your kindess. You know, if I had met him before my marriage, I would have the emotional strength and security to give him space and deal with his withdrawal. I know this because I attempted to handle this with gentleness and patience when my husband first started withdrawing many years ago. It took many years for me to feel resentful and hurt by it - esp. when I saw how he turned to other people before me. Present day, present relationship - I'm burnt out. My BF's situation has shown me that I am not as healed as I thought. I think I need to go to counseling, and to be by myself for a while. I can't handle another person's grief or depression anymore - not in this way - not where they feel the need to treat me like I'm a nobody. I respect his need to grieve in his "own unique way" (I've read this on several sites this week), but I can't handle the way he is choosing to do it. I hate that I'm taking this so personal - but I can't help it - this is my past all over again. However, I'm scared to tell him this. I know this isn't the time. I won't kick him while he's down. My fear is that when he finally does reach out to me - I will be the one who is detached and distant. I don't want to hurt him. He was so kind to me before this situation. When (or IF) he contacts me again, how do I tell him that I can't be with him anymore?

Hello All, I have been reading many of your posts over the past week, and they have been comforting and provided a sense of understanding. I have been dating someone for almost two years. I immediately started dating him after I left my marriage of 14 years. I married my first love at 18. It was not an easy marriage. The first year was great, but once my husband's grandfather died, he says he remembered something that set off a long series of depression and withdrawn behavior. His demeanor completely changed, and he shut me out completely. Gone was the sweet open young man that I married. The remaining 13 years were full of long periods of silent treatment. Whenever he was depressed or had a bad day - he would go weeks to months without talking. I was there physically, but I felt invisible in my husbands world. He never did confide anything in me. To this day, I have no idea what he remembered. He never included me in any of his therapy sessions or told me why he was depressed. I eventually left two years ago. I gave it 14 years, and couldn't take it anymore. I feel like half of our marriage was spent in silence. So I met this amazing man almost immediatelfy after I left. He is (was) so open and kind. I felt as if his love was healing for me. His desire to communicate and share with me restored my faith in love and even restored some of the damage I felt my marriage caused to my emotional state. This past month, he lost a good friend of his in a car accident, his uncle, and his brother in a car accident. All separate incidents. He understandably withdrew a little after each death, but his brother's death on the 11th was his breaking point. He has completely shut me out. I have tried reaching out to him, but he talks to me like I am someone that he barely knows. I can tell that he wants nothing to do with me right now. He even said that "people" are overwhelming him and he was tired of talking to "people". I know I'm clumped into the "people" category. I understand his need for space. I am sympathetic to the extreme sense of loss that he must be feeing right now/ But is this what relationships are about? In the face of tragedy - one's significant other becomes disposable? I have lost people that I love (many at one time too) - I did not feel the need to shut people out. If anything - it made me want to bring those I love closer because I saw how short life truly is. I understand that people grieve differently - but I can't do this anymore! If he were shutting everyone out - I would be less hurt. But he is not. He is speaking to his family and close friends. I am one of the "people" he has chosen to push away. My husband was the same way - he would talk to his step-mother and best friend - I was the one he pushed aside. I don't get this! I know it has been less than two weeks, but every insecurity and fear I developed in my marriage has returned full force. I can't be an outsider anymore. This feels so familiar and painful. As the griever tells us its not personal - well my need to be away from him isn't personal. Iunderstand that he is going through something, but I did this for 14 years with someone. I was disposable everytime my husband went into his depressions or any form of grief or anger. I guess my question is: am I wrong to NOT want to go through this with my boyfriend? So many of you want to be there for your loved one, but I feel like a bit of a monster because I just want him to stay away from me if this is how he handles his grief. I love him, but I can't be disposable anymore. I don't even want him to reach out to me. As soon as I heard that eerily familiar detachment in his tone - I knew it was happening again. Am I being selfish and horrible to want to flee from the griever?