Degasgirl

July 4th will mark the one year anniversary of my mom's death. The date is looming over me causing me much anxiety and emotion. I haven't posted in a long time here. I've been doing well, involved with a wonderful support group with other women who also lost mothers. I don't cry every time I talk to my dad anymore (they were married 55 years!). But this one year date is really hard. Every thing is coming rushing back to me. Even the foods that people brought over that night and next day are fresh in my mind. Very weird. I'm not sure what you are supposed to do on that day. Do I go up to my dad's ( they live about 2 hours away)? Should I see if my dad wants to come to our house? I still haven't been to see the headstone. That's also looming over me. I just don't feel ready to do that- but will I ever? Just feeling very miserable right now.

At least I know I'm not alone in feeling like this. I guess I really thought I'd be better by now. I think I WAS better in between right after it happened and now. Guess it's the reality. And anytime anything good or funny (or stressful!) happens, SHE'S the person i want to tell.... I really don't know how that will ever get better. I STILL can't talk to my dad without crying. I feel so bad everytime I talk to him. I'm sure he dreads talking to me because I must make him upset. I just can't control the tears when they do come.

Haven't posted in awhile. I guess I am finding the holidays so hard. My mom died this past July. I feel like I'm actually worse now than I was. I joined a bereavement group and it has been wonderful so I'm so thankful for that. Not sure why I feel like crying all the time now whenever I think of her. The counselor who runs the group had given us a sheet that broke grief down - it seems like 6-12months can be even worse because the reality sets in. Not sure if that's why I feel like this or that it's the holidays or that I'm off of work so my mind not as occupied. I am so not at the point of memories making me happy. Memories make me sad and want to talk to her even more. Anyone else ever feel like this. It just plain stinks.....

I lost my mom in July and I totally understand what you mean about feeling closer to friends who have also gone through the experience. And I have to admit, I do not think I had been as present and there for others in the past when they lost someone. Only now do I really understand the magnitude of it. I would react much differently now if a friend lost a parent. It makes me feel bad that I did not understand just how painful the loss is.

I'm so sorry to hear of the trouble some of you are having finding the right group. I was very lucky to have found a group so specific (daughters w/o mothers). The only other thing I can suggest is contacting hospice and asking if they would be willing to START one of these for you. Not sure if they will but could be worth a try. I am fortunate to have 6 other lovely ladies in my group. We will continue to meet on our own after our last 2 sessions I think. I am hoping you can find something or persuade someone into starting one.

I STILL can't talk to my dad without crying. It's been 4 months. I feel so sad for him too to be alone after 55 years. Their 56th anniversary would have been last week. Everything about calling my dad and talking to him reminds me of my mom. I have tears now just thinking about.

Oh I am so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel. I lost my mom rather in expectantly in July. It must be so hard not having family around. I have just joined a grief support group that is for daughters without mothers. I found it through a local hospice center- even though my mother was not in hospice. I would reach out to a hospital or hospice center to see if you can find any kind of support group. It is very helpful to be around others who are experiencing loss and understand how you're feeling. A local church might also offer a group of this kind. I still have days where I feel like this just cannot be real. Please see if you can find some kind of support group. I have found it to be very good.

Just wanted to share that I found a grief support group for daughters who lost their mothers. It has been wonderful. It's only been twice but I am finding it to be a source of comfort to sit with others who are going through the exact type of loss as I am. I know these kind of groups might not be for everyone but I just wanted to share my own experience in case anyone is considering one. It's been a very positive experience for me. I wish none of us even had to think about any of this but it's nice to be around others who totally get what you are going through.

It's been about 3 months since my mom passed away. Next week I start a grief support group for daughters without mothers. I'm looking forward to it as I'm sure it will be helpful. I feel extremely stressed lately and very emotional. I've been getting migraine headaches and very tight neck and shoulder muscles. This past weekend I did go for a massage. I feel like I really need to focus on and take care of myself now. I'm planning to try some yoga and meditation classes. Just wondering what all of you do to help yourselves? I'm hoping to learn how to focus on inner peace.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I really don't have any true words of wisdom for you other than I understand how you are feeling ( my mom passed away 7/4/15). It just be very difficult being in a relatively new job. I think the hardest thing is that once the funeral is over it seems you are expected to "move on". I guess we do in a way but it starts to seem more realistic as the days go on and it's hard. I'm sorry your husband is getting tired of it. Mine often says nothing (b/c he really doesn't know what to say). The other day as I was crying he started to walk out of the room and I asked him what he was doing and I said I don't know what you want me to say. I was so angry and upset I just said just sit with me or give me a hug. He's pretty good but definitely doesn't get it. Try to find a grief counselor or group. I'm seeing one this week and joining a group that starts in Oct. Just know you are not alone. We all understand here on this forum.

It's been 2 months since I lost my mom and I now feel worse than I did. My daughter is starting high school this year and I am so incredibly sad to not share all this with my mom. I think this is in part what's making it so hard right now. I think it's ok to feel how you are feeling. I think we put too much pressure on ourselves to "be ok". My brother recently told me when I started crying- "omg, you need to get a grip. It happened and u need to move on". I was devastated that he would say that to me. I'm not going to let anyone make me feel bad for how I feel. My aunt is a therapist and she says on average it's 2-7 YEARS of feeling grief.

Thanks Kaye

I feel like I am always posting negative things. I'm sorry I'm not always negative! I'm having a major setback tonight as I just realized I have 2 deleted messages on my cell from my mom (while she was in the hospital on the cell phone). To hear her voice..... I am just losing it now all over again. She sounds so good. It makes me so mad because she died of hospital acquired pneumonia and I keep feeling like this wouldn't have happened if she hadn't been in for so long (8 weeks). I know it's not healthy to think like this because it doesn't change anything but it makes it harder to accept. I would do anything to hear her voice again..... These voicemails make it so hard all over again..

My girls are 12 and 14. They were super close to my mom and would often call her. She was a second mother to them for sure. It's strange though, because I'm sure they are grieving but they too do not want to talk about it. My 14 year old did not cry at all until the last moment at the memorial service. My 12 year old did cry a few times. They see me cry sometimes and will walk away. I tell them I'm feeling sad about Grammy and they don't say anything. I ask them if they feel sad and want to talk about it but they both say they feel sad sometimes but don't cry. I said that's ok too. I guess I am the only one in my family who's just a blubbering fool! I have and always have had, a hard time controlling my emotions if I am sad. I joke that I wish I could get my tear ducts seen closed! That's just how I am and my family knows it. I'm just stressed about trying to hold it together in front of my dad. I think it's also harder not living close by so we're not able to just drop in and see him frequently. Although I'm sure that's not easier either. I'm hoping a grief support group will help. Thankfully I have some amazing friends who have lost their moms too and they have been an incredible source of comfort and strength for me. It's hard not having a sister at times like these I feel. I am also very close to my aunt (my moms sister) but she lives across the country. Thank goodness for texting and phone calls!

I am planning to go up to my dad's house (2 hours away) either this weekend or next with my husband and our 2 girls. This is the first time we'll be back up there since my mom passed away in July. I am absolutely dreading going into their house but want to see my dad and feel like I need to get it over with. None of my siblings live close to him. My brothers and sister-in-laws all say "you have to be strong for Dad when you go". My dad doesn't like to talk about it either and I make him upset when I cry. I understand that but I'm just one of those very emotional people who has trouble controlling it. I feel frustrated with my own family with their expectations for me to be strong. NOTHING will ever be the same and it's only been 2 months. I told my dad tonight sometimes I just need to cry with him and be sad with him but he said he's just not ready to do that. I tell him he shouldn't bottle it up (I don't think he totally does but he doesn't want to talk about it). I'm planning to go to a grief support group that starts in September so I'm hoping that will help. I'm just feeling so helpless with my overwhelming grief and the thought of going to their house with all her things still there. I feel like I shouldn't feel bad that I'm still so sad but that's how my family makes me feel. As time goes on it definitely feels worse. I think at first when it happens and everyone is there and grieving it's almost easier. I mean because then it's "ok" to feel that way. I feel like now there is an expectation to have gotten over the all out crying and grieving- except that isn't how it is for me. I'm tired of always feeling sad and trying to go on like normal. I'm a teacher and will start school again soon which I'm sure will be good for me.

Oh my heart just breaks for you. I lost my mom on July 4th so I totally understand your loss. I cannot even imagine what you must be going through though due to the circumstances. I hope this board can offer you some small measure of comfort in this hard time.

Hi Heidi- I can so relate to everything you say. I lost my mom July 4th. It's just not getting easier. If anything it almost seems worse now. I feel like so much time has passed since I spoke to her. I keep having these fleeting thoughts of calling her tell her this or that. I too find that I have bad DAYS as opposed to moments (of course I have those too!). It's just so hard to feel any kind of normal. Alicia

My mom passed away July 4th. Normally I feel like I'm doing as good as can be expected. I am having such a hard time talking to my dad though. It's still surreal to call home (I live 2 hours away) and think she's not there. My dad came on vacation with my family and my brothers family for a few days which was strange and hard for all of us- mom should have been there. My dad left a few days earlier than rest of us. Today we came home and I've been sad all day b/c normally I would call her and tell her all about our trip. I called him tonight and ended up making him so upset he started crying and said he had to go and couldn't talk anymore. Now I feel so terribly guilty b/c I feel so badly for him (they were married 55 yrs) but I just cannot stop crying. I just don't know how to stop crying around him. It's just such a trigger for me b/c they were like one unit. Feeling extra sad tonight especially because I made him sad now too.

Thank you Marty for your kind words. Yes, unfortunately I am unable to even make them stop if I wanted to! I've never been able to hold in my emotions so it just all comes out! Guess that's a good thing! That's also the problem when I talk to my dad though- I just cannot be strong. It's physically impossible for me to not cry if I feel it! I think I make it worse for him.

Heidi- I understand completely how you feel. I feel exactly the same. My mom passed away on July 4th. I feel like I get worse instead of better as each day passes. When I think of her, it makes it worse- it's like there is no way this can possibly be real that I will never talk to her again. I just cannot get past that body numbing feeling that I won't see or talk to her again. I still expect to wake up from a bad dream.

My dad also gets annoyed with me b/c I cry everytime I talk to him. He tells me I need to get control of myself and how my girls don't want to see me like that. Of course I KNOW that but then it makes me cry more! I feel like I either do or could cry all day the past 3 days. At least before I was having some good days, now it seems I'm sad ALL the time.

My mom passed away on July 4th. She'd been in the hospital for 8 weeks actually longer if you count the first time she went in. She went in on April for pneumonia and came home after about a week and a half. My parents live 2 1/2 hours from me and I went up when she got home to visit and bring food, etc. She still wasn't feeling well, terrible appetite, etc. We kept telling her to be patient. About a week later she was feeling so sick like something was really wrong with her. Back to Dr and they admitted for kidney failure. To make a long story short after a biopsy turns out she had vasculitis of the kidney. Started on dialysis in hospital and they thought kidneys would come back. Did 3 rounds of a chemo treatment they use to treat this (even though not cancer). Turns out the chemo wrecked havoc on her immune system and she got pneumonia. Put in ICU. Went to visit her was doing ok still putting makeup on and rollers in hair. Dr decided no more chemo and she would have to stay on dialysis for life- we were all ok w/ that. Talked about discharging her to rehab to gain strength. Still having lots of breathing issues, fluid on lungs etc. Fast forward to getting pneumonia AGAIN and back in icu. This time intubated and all organs failing. Dr said she's in septic shock too. She lasted 3 days after that. They took her off the ventilator and she passed away 40 min later. She did know my brothers, my dad and I were there. The first day I saw her I said Mom I'm here. She flicked her eyes open and squeezed my hand and pulled her to me. I almost collapsed. Next day my brother and I were holding her hands and I told her we were there. She flicked eyes open again and squeezed our hands. This time she had tears in her eyes. Nurse had to wipe them. Last day- we did not get any response. We knew she was ready. I will always feel slightly guilty we did stay with her after taking her off ventilator. My dad did not want us to. I do think she was ready. I'm still having such a hard time dealing with her being gone. She was my best friend. I have 2 brothers it's just not the same - they didn't talk t her everyday like I did. I'm also heartbroken for my dad. They were married 55 years. I cry everytime I call the house. I feel bad I can't be stronger for my dad. He's a trigger for me me though b/c makes me think of mom. It's been almost 3 weeks and I still have moments where I feel like I lose my breath and think this is REAL. I think of her at the funeral home and I cry, I think of her in the hospital and I cry. When I think of her in good times or see pictures that's when I feel like this can't be real. It's not possible she's really gone. I'm married and my husband has been great and I have 2 girls who keep me busy but I feel like the reality of it is setting in now and I feel worse. I'm trying to make a plan a day w/ a friend to occupy my time (I'm a teacher so off for summer). My friends have been amazing too. I'm having the hardest time thinking of good memories of her b/c that's making me the saddest and I feel like this couldn't possibly have happened. She was such a vibrant active 78.