TerryB

Deborah, I don't know how positive I am when all I can think is how much I hate my life without Doug. Nothing is the same. Most of the time I feel like I don't care about anything. But, somehow I go on. I do it because I have to . I don't have a choice. I get so mad because I want him back! I need him so much. How do we get though this? I hope for a better day for all of us tomorrow. Happy Mothers Day everyone.

Karen, I still love my husband Doug very much. I keep his picture on my dresser and I kiss him every morning and every night and tell him I love him. I still wear my wedding rings and at this point don't intend to take them off. I feel like I am still a married woman. I am sorry to hear that you and your daughter have had a falling out. I hope she comes around soon. I'm sure she can't begin to know how you feel. I am having a lot of trouble with my son who is a very immature 21 years old. I really don't need this added stress in my life right now. Why can't he understand this? I also have a dog who is my companion. Doug bought Dooley for me so he means just that much more to me. Dooley is always there for me. I am so happy I have him. Pets are really a great comfort, aren't they? Terry

Karenb, I try to keep busy also. I work full-time, I keep busy with my kids and grandson. I like to walk and I love to garden. Some of my happiest memories are right in my own back yard. I have a lot of flowers and bird feeders and bird baths. On nice days, when I got home from work, Doug would be sitting in the back yard watching the humming birds and I would sit down for awhile before starting dinner and we would talk about how our day went. I'm going to miss that so much this summer.

Thanks Kayc, for your support. I will be feeling the empty nest again very soon. Patti, your right about there being a good part to it though. My house looks life a tornando went through a lot of times. I'm a little compulsive about things being in order and clean. I've learned to let it go for now (for the most part) so I can spend as much time as possible with Colin. He is growing way too fast! Patti, what a great Gramma you are to take all your grandkids to the movies! They will remember those special times. My kids, now adults,-well ok, in their twenty's,still talk about spending the night with my mother and how she took them to the candy store, for 5 cent candy ,that used to be a penny when I was a kid. Maury, I am so sorry about what happened to Kathy. How awful for you. I can't imagine having to hear all about the accident again and reliving it all. It may have been a relief in a way to know exactly what happened. My husband Doug was very sick the last two years of his life with an incurable lung disease. We did everything we could including him being on the lung transplant list. There were doctor appointments and hospital admissions all the time. When he had to retire from work, we used to kid that his new job was going to the doctor. My heart breaks to think of it. He tried so hard not to get down and was cheerful most of the time. He made most of the girls in the doctor's office's laugh because he would joke and tease them about things. They also cried and felt terrible when they found out he had passed away. Anyway, I have been wanting to order a copy of his medical records from his last hospital stay, to find out what exactly, medically, happened. Of course, the doctors spoke to me, but I want to read what they all wrote. I feel a need to know. I kept a journal when he got so sick because there was no other way to keep track of all the medications and testing and results of the tests, doctor appts and hospital admissions. I tried to read through it and just can't yet. In time, maybe. Take care and be strong. Terry

Hi Everyone, I check in and read the posting every once in awhile but I haven't posted in a long time. I have been very busy. My son, daughter-in-law and 15 month old grandson have been staying with me while they are saving for a house. Now they have found a house and will be moving out in about 30 days or so. I'll tell you there have been days when the only person in the world that could make me smile is my grandson. I'm going to miss him so much when they move. Still, I am lucky because they are not moving very far from me and I can still see him a lot. It just won't be the same as having him here everyday. Today it has been 9 months since Doug died. Some days it still feels like yesterday. I had a bad week. Monday I called in sick to work. Tuesday was ok but Wednesday I over-slept and just moped around. I finally got to work but thought I would have to leave because I felt so awful and had to fight to keep from crying. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel better. I still miss Doug so-so much. I hope all is well as can be with everyone. I'm sure I will be checking in more once the kids move into their house. It will be very lonely here again. I am happy to have this site and everyone on it to share my feeling with. Thank you. Terry

Tori, I am sorry you are going through such a stressful time. I have a little grandson and I know if my son talked about moving far away I would be devastated. Seeing my grandson, who is almost a year old, is the one thing that made me happy through these months after the loss of my husband. At times he is the only one who could make me smile and feel any happiness at all. If it were me, I would definitely tell her how I was feeling and give her the advise that your troubles follow you wherever you go. To get a fresh start you need to face your troubles head on and deal with them, as hard as it might be. Then, once you deal with the issues and they are done, you can start anew. Hopefully, learning from every experience by dealing with it and taking control. I truly don't believe relocating is the answer to starting over. One of my brothers did the exact same thing. He and his wife and two children, sold everything they had and move thousands of miles away. They had money problems amoung other problems and thought they were going to a better place to start over. Within a year, they came back because the money problems followed them, there were no better opportunites where they moved to or anywhere. They learned a very hard lesson. They came back with very little and had to start all over again. The stress was too much and now they are separated. I don't think they will every get back together. Very sad. I hope the best for you and for your family. Please let us know how things go. I care! Terry

Chrissy, I still have vivid memories of Doug's last weeks. Both at home and in the hospital. They come to me at all different times of the day. These visions always make me cry. Sometimes I hear or see something and the thoughts come flooding in. They were very hard days for me. I also think-if only-. I don't think anything different could have saved Doug but I can't help thinking it anyway. Sometimes I do remember good things. Even those thoughts can make me cry because I think, we can never do those things again. Things will never be the same. Take care, Terry

I haven't posted in awhile. I have checked in to read the postings though, to see how everyone is doing. I am so sorry for the pain each of us is dealing with. One more day to get through and Christmas is over. I did all the traditional things that I have done for years, only this year I did them alone. Doug always rolled, cut and baked the cookies and I would frost them. Doug always went shopping with me. I would wrap the presents and Doug would arrange them under the tree. He would always shake the ones for him and try to guess what they were. Although they still make me cry right now, I am glad for those simple, happy memories. On December 19th it was 5 months since Doug's death. I still feel like I'm waiting for him to come home. 5 months seems like a long time to still feel this way. I just don't want to accept the fact that I am truly alone. I am scared to be alone. Thanks for listening. Terry

Hi Chrissy, On the 19th it will be 5 months for me. The way I feel at times it feels like it could have been yesterday. I was so depressed last night and today. I cried and cried. I went back to work two weeks after Doug's death. I thought if I stayed out any longer I might never go back. Unfortunatley, financially I had to go back. The people at work are so supportive. I am so lucky to have so many people that care about me. I went to a Hope for the Bereaved support group meeting on Tuesday. The counselor asked what is the hardest part of grieving for you. I said the loneliness, the yearning for Doug to be here with me. I need so badly to hear his voice, to touch his face, to hold him in my arms. It tears me apart to be without him. Actually, every part of grieving is the hardest. Don't you agree? Terry

Marty, I also went to the website and plan to go back. There is so much in there I have to wait until I have enough time to read through it. Today someone at work gave me the most beautiful ornament for my Christmas tree. It's called Merry Christmas From Heaven. It has one line from the poem engraved on it. The paperwork that came with it said there is a website. www.merrychristmasfromheaven.com. I have not been to the site yet so I don't know what is on it. It is a pretty poem though. I think I have seen it somewhere before-not sure. Maybe I read it in a book. Terry

Janie, I am so sorry to hear about your mother. What you have gone through is without a doubt a tradegy. How could one survive even more. You may think right now that you cannot but the human spirt is strong and you will get through this. I know you probably do not want to hear this right now because you are angry, but I was always taught that God is merciful and when something bad happens, God is sad for us. I know you must have read the poem Footprints In The Sand. Every morning I say a short prayer, "God, please help me get through this day without Doug." Somedays I think he hears me and other days I wonder if he did. Maybe in time you will be able to ask for His help to get through the day. Coming to this site and having the support of all the great people here is a big help. I know that everyone here has helped me a lot. Thank you everyone! Terry

Hi everyone, Well I guess we made it through the day. I hope all of you had a good day. It went ok for me. I went to my sister-in-laws and had a very nice dinner. A little while after I got home, my dauthter-in-law called and asked me to come over to her mother's for pie-(my son had to work). I got to see my grandson. He is 9 months old and all he has to do is smile at me and I forget everything else. He has helped me so much through this time. Terry

Is everyone else having a real hard time getting through the holidays? I wish I could go to sleep and wake up on January 2,2007. I just wanted to stay home tomorrow and be by myself but my sister-in-law asked me a couple of times to have dinner with them. I refused and when I talked to my mother-in-law, she said how disappointed Laurie was that I wasn't coming over. So guess where I'll be. People think that I shouldn't be alone on Thanksgiving. I'm fine with being alone so I don't have to put on my happy face and pretend that I'm ok. As for Christmas, I dread it even more. I have tried to shop a couple of times and I seem to just walk in circles in the store. I don't know what to get anyone. I can't even think about it. I used to love Christmas. I loved all the ornaments and every year I would add to my collection of snowmen. This year I don't like any of the ornaments or any of the decorations. I did start to put up some outside lights. This is something Doug always did, I was always just the go-for. What a time I had! After some swearing and a little crying and four trips to the store for new lights and extension cords, the lights are up. I'll bet Doug was looking down on me, chuckling and shaking his head. God, I miss him so much. It hurts so-so bad. How can Christmas come when Doug's not here.

Kayc, I am so happy for you. We knew you could do it. I am happy you get to keep your home. That is so-so important! Terry

Chrissy, I also am haunted by Doug's last weeks. He suffered so. I go over the images in my head again and again. The images come at all different times of the day. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and think about it. I usually cry and cry, but I try to hold it together at work. This must be part of the grieving process. Terry

Chrissy, He is beautiful! Thank you so much for sharing. I needed to smile. Terry

Kayc, I am sorry you are having such a hard time. I also am very worried about money and hoping I always have enough to pay the bills. I just want to be able to keep my house. I can't imagine being anywhere else. Doug bought us this house and we raised the kids in this house. If I ever had to leave it I would feel farther away from him then ever before. A consideration on the job search might be to look into taking state, county and city exams. You should be able to find the announcements online or at the employment or unemployment office. There is usually a fee but I do know in my state of residence they will waive it if you meet the income requirements. The biggest problem is that it is a lengthly process and you need something right away. I will keep you in my prayers. The antidepressants will not take away your problems but they may make it a little easier for you to cope. Just something to consider. Terry

Chrissy, Just wanted you to know I feel the same way at times. I can't believe Doug is gone. It's not right and it's not fair. Sometimes I get so scared wondering how I am going to get through without him. I am so-so lonely. I do have family and friends around me but it is not the same as having Doug by my side. I just feel very lonely without him. Terry

Hi Jenn, Maybe Joe is still having a hard time with Jeff's death and he avoids you because when he sees you it reminds him of Jeff. His behavior might be his way of dealing with his loss. He may be angry. It's really too bad that your mother in law did not write you a note asking about the tree if she didn't want to talk to you directly about it. She also could have sent a gift certificate from a local nursery letting you know it was for a tree of your choice. Hopefully one day she will realize just how much she is missing out on because of her behavior. Do you think that when your mother in law approached Joe about the tree he just wasn't sure how to handle it so just kinda said, whatever and she had the tree planted.He may not have known that your mother in law initially intended you to have the tree. Either way, I think if it were me, I would ignore the whole thing. Terry

Kayc, Wow! I am fairly new to this site and had no idea how much you have been through. Thank you for sharing your story with me. You are such a strong woman. I sincerely wish the best for you and I am sorry that all of us have to suffer through the pain of losing a loved one. Terry

Kayc, I also feel disconnected. Before Doug died, It felt good to go to church. After his death, I went to church and I felt nothing. I haven't been back since. I have gone a few places with friends and I guess it was good to get out but I don't care if I go or if I stay at home. Sometimes, I prefer to just stay home. I just don't find the joy in things anymore. Like spunkye, I used to crochet or do a puzzle while Doug watched tv. I don't do either of those things that I enjoyed before. I have no interest. People have told me that they are happy that I am doing so well and that I am such a strong person. If they could see me at night when I cry until I sob and feel sick to my stomach they wouldn't think so. I even had someone say to me how poised I was at Doug's service. I hardly remember who was there and who I spoke to. I was a wreck--just on the inside I guess. Every year at this time Doug and I would take a drive to a state park just north of us on Lake Ontario. We would take the dogs with us and walk through the park and collect pinecones and acorns that I would use for crafts. I was telling someone this and he said "go anyway". I said, yeah I could but it just would not be the same. People who have not been through this just do not understand. The thing that made the trip so special is that we did it together. It wasn't about where we went or what we did when we got there. It was about doing it with the single most important person in my life--my husband. I'm going to try to add an attachment of a poem I found on another site. Perhaps you have read it before. I can really relate to this poem. Terry Forever_Changed.doc

David called me today. He received my letter and it made him feel bad for not calling me. I did not send the letter to make him feel bad, that was not my intention. He said that Doug was a better friend to him because he knows that Doug would have called to talk to his wife if the situation was reversed. I told him he should not think like that and I know Doug's death was hard on him. He said that it has effected him more than he ever thought it would. He said that he is going to stop by and he will tell me about the first time he met Doug. I told him that I would love to hear the story. I hope he does stop.

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband July 19, 2006. There is nothing anyone can say or do to make me feel better but somehow coming to this site and posting my feelings and reading what others have posted helps. Everyone is very supportive and knows what you are going through. Terry

Thank you all so much for the advise. Marty I read the article and found it helpful also. I have thought about it and have decided to write David a letter. I will let you know if I hear anything. If I don't hear from him then I will let it go. I am sorry to hear that everyone has experienced similar situations. If things are not hard enough already to deal with, then they have to become complicated too! Take care. Terry

Doug had a very good friend, David. When Doug was in the hospital I kept David informed of what was going on and sometimes I would get the feeling that maybe I shouldn't have called him. When Doug went into ICU I talked to David and said that I was sure it would be ok if he wanted to visit for a few minutes, thinking it might make Doug happy to hear his voice and maybe talk about fishing and hunting, something they both loved and did together. David changed the subject and did not answer me about visiting. Later his wife told me that he did not want to remember Doug in the hospital. After Doug died, David's wife brought over a cooler filled with beer and bottled water for visitors and also pictures of Doug for the collage that I made for the services. A few weeks after, I called to let him know that his cooler and pictures were still here and he said he would stop by for them sometime. I haven't heard from him since. There are a couple of things I would like to talk to him about-Doug's tree stand that's out in the woods and some hunting equipment that is here at the house but that both Doug and David shared the cost of. I also have something of Doug's that I want David to have. Because he is avoiding me like the plague I feel funny about calling him. I know that Doug's death was not easy for him and he did not handle it well. I don't expect him to be here for me because we did not know each other that well.Do you think I should just back off and wait to hear from him?