debi.williams

Totally understand. My husband worked nights and I used to pray for his safe return. I even used to bargain with God for it can you believe and I am now ashamed to admit. I look back now and wonder of I didn't know something....I realise now that prayer alone cannot prolong a life that is meant to pass. I am grateful though that he didn't collapse and die alone on some lonely road in the back of beyond but that death snatched him in front of me, at his home where he belonged. That the last eyes he looked into were mine. xxxx

Oh Brad that so resonates with me. I hope Deedo has met up with my mom. Mom dedicated her life to the care of the under 5 year olds. She said she often preferred them to adults with their innocence and wonder at the world. They will love each other Brad! xx In answer to the question Hollow Heart, it is so difficult to narrow it down. I miss the beautiful soul within that was so very visible to me. He was kind. That is an over used word as not many people when you stop and think about it are actually kind. I miss his humour of course, and his ability to be almost childlike over the life's simplest pleasure, like the smell of rice cooking, tending to his strawberry plants and feeding the wild birds. I miss his unfettered and demostrative adoration of our son. I miss the fact that physically he was an alpha male that would cry at any sad news involving children the less fortunate. I miss him coming to the office with my lunch even though he had to go out of his way and I didn't ask him for it. I miss the fact that he told me he loved me 10 times a day. Sorry I am getting carried away, because like all of you I know, I could go on forever, because what makes love? What actually singles your soulmate out from the rest? It is a 1000+ little things that touch the heart. Most of all my soul misses its mate. Not for nothing do they say 'your other half' I know that now xxxx

I have always found it amazing how brave our servicemen and women are and you often forget the worried hearts they leave behind. It must be absolute agony knowing your child is going to a war zone. Every day must be hellish. Let's face it, I need to get a grip here. Max is on a 2 day religious retreat!! Hardly the front line! I admit I have always been a bit of an anxious mom even when my mom and husband were alive and he went on a couple of holidays with the school when he was young. My husband was so wonderful at keeping me calm and used to say 'look we will drive to where he is and watch him if you feel that bad. There is always a solution' (can you imagine Max's horror at seeing his mom and dad peeping over the wall! But it calmed me. Just before my husband died, we had a scare. My husband had gone home only to find the front door of the house open and no one at home, when Max should have been. I was hysterical of course but again my husband said there is an explanation and there was. I shouted so much at Max when he finally got home. Not only did he scare us, the entire house could have been robbed! I spoke to the grief counsellor about it and she said that everyone that has passed that you loved has done so without warning so you live on high alert and always imagine this is the way it will be and she is right. Unfortunately, even in her professional opinion, there isn't really a solution. Kay, I simply don't know how you managed your anxiety when your son joined the Air Force. I am full of admiration with how you coped. Didn't he do well? Brilliant. You too Brad with your son in the Navy. They are so brave. I don't think our children ever full appreciate the worry of a parent until they become parents themselves. xxxxxxx

Thank you Kay so much. You are so right, it is a mother's curse and will always be with us!! I am going to have to really work on this anxiety though because it is going to be hell if he goes to university!! Big hugs xxx

Kevin, Phoenix can be our only choice - and no I am not suggesting we all move to Arizona!! Good to hear from you my friend and your friend is so right 'we just do' Don't blame you Margaret for hiding. 'De house' feels like a huge undertaking. Wish I was in Louisiana I have always wanted to taste Gumbo and Jambalaya (is that correct?) I remember we whisked mum off to London (where I lived) when dad passed and she dreaded going back to 'de house' take your time my love. One good point is that you had both decided to sell so at least you are not faced with 'should I, shouldn't I' kind of choices. Still it is so very hard. Trading the trucks was a good move, but nothing is darned easy in any of this is it Margaret ? KayC !!! No lottery win yet but it is €89 million tonight and I bought a ticket. Figure that should be enough for us all to meet somewhere fabulous....fingers crossed! Hope the weather is okay? How are you ? Missed you! Thank you for your lovely words xxxx KPL thanks so much, missed you all on here. Karen, now you asked me to stay 'sane' that's a HUGE ask!!! Max can't drive here officially until he is 18 but can begin his theory test at 17 so still some way to go yet. I am stupid for not learning and I know you guys place an importance on driving in the US and quite right too. Having lived most of my younger years in London, it just didn't make sense, because smaller, narrower streets just meant hours in a jam. Boy do I regret it now though. Huge hugs to you all. Max is going on a 'retreat' for 2 nights - I dread it! He goes to an elite school here in Belgium which is a Catholic country and they will go on a religious retreat. He will go to a monastery (Jesuit) for 2 nights and they pray and 'do good'. It is ironic, because I was raised 'Church of England' who threw the Catholics out of England and still will not allow a Catholic to sit on the throne! He got into this school because he is bright and the second irony is that his daddy was raised in Iran! Neither of us cared about these things because we both believe in God and there are many roads to the almighty. So, I have nothing to critique that for but oh my lord I will miss him. I also worry so much when he is not with me that I seriously need to figure out how to cope. There are icy roads here and I worry about the bus crashing on the way there (or back). It is that awful fear of the suddenness I can't shake. Those who know me know that everyone I ever loved (with the exception of my grandmother) has died suddenly. About 3 years ago a bus full of Belgian school children crashed killing 26. Still, I have to get a grip. He is 16 now and will be soon pulling away further from me. Not having my husband here at times like this is....well you can imagine xxxxx

Thank you so much Marti. It is a privilege to have so many people care. I just found myself in a situation with no energy whatsoever and couldn't do much, not even reach out to my lovely friends here. I hope you are well Marti and wish you and all those you love, many blessings for 2016 xxxxx

Thank you so much my friends. Yes, Brussels has dropped its 'Terror Alert' from a level 4 to a Level 3...lord knows what that means!! We still see the army on the streets from time to time. Thank you so much Brad for your birthday wishes. It was the hardest one I have ever faced but it's over now thank goodness. I felt like spending the day in bed to be honest but I got up and so many friends sent flowers Max and I ended up overwhelmed by the perfume which was so lovely. We were fine(ish) until I gave my husband's photo a kiss and then we both lost 'it' I never made a big deal about my birthday, coming so soon after Xmas etc so I didn't 'miss' a celebration as such but oh boy did I miss the room being ridiculously decorated with so many banners and balloons when I woke up and a cake with too many candles and too much cream. Most of all I missed his card with silly things written in it. Actually most of all I missed HIM but then you both know that. To be honest Brad I think I will have a far harder time dealing with what would have been his 50th birthday in May, I had planned so many things for it in my head.... How was your Christmas? New Year? xxx Margaret, thank you so much for your lovely words. How are you? Max is as fine as possible. He is a remarkable boy. His daddy and I always used to say he is the best of us and he is, he truly is. Now Margaret, what about your Christmas and New Year ? xxx

Dear Kathryn, I am so so sorry for your loss. Such words are wholly inadequate aren't they? One of my son's school friends lost his father to the same within 48 hours. I know this kind of evil cancer can be horrifically quick. I lost my husband in August 2015 to a sudden brain bleed, here chatting one minute in a coma the next. He was 49 and I was 53 (I turned 54 in January this year). No goodbyes, no planning nothing. I will never know if he even heard my 'I love you's' as we had to turn off life support 24 hours later. I too have my own business Kathryn and we have a 16 year old son who was 15 at the time his daddy died. I understand to the moon and back your fear. I am the only breadwinner now and it IS scary but it is also doable. Believe me on this. Firstly though, forgive your friends. They will have their own grief in time, because every single human I have ever known has had to deal with this (or if they are very young, will have to) at some point. They don't know what to say because quite frankly, there is nothing anyone CAN say aside from 'I'm here'. Although no one in the history of mankind has ever escaped death I still marvel at our inability to deal with it. We will know how to Kathryn though, when the same thing happens to one of our friends because we are sadly now members of a club we never wanted to join, but in the future we will be able to help others on this road. I absolutely don't think you should 'cave and sell' not yet awhile. You are grief stricken and it is so recent and so raw. One of the many aspects of grief is the fog in our brain, so for all the right reasons you shouldn't sell now. That though, we can all talk about at a later date. You are in bed because you are in shock. Your body is doing it's best to protect you and you need to respect that. You are heartbroken and terrified but your body is determined you will continue so it is doing its best to recharge your batteries. 1 week is nothing. I sat in a chair for about 3 weeks. Kathryn you are panicking about passwords etc that can be sorted. Like you, I am not a techie but I can use PC's but I am self taught. My panic has always been about leaks, stuff at home not working, repairs etc as he did all that. My husband was immensely practical with his hands. Already I have had to deal with a leak from our bathroom into the neighbour's house and a boiler breaking down, but you know what? It's child's play compared to dealing with grief. Grief is strictly for the grown ups and you are dealing with it in your own way my love. You are already doing brilliantly to be thinking about this stuff. I know you don't believe me but I have said it anyway. Totally get what you say about the shopping. My husband was happy to shop. I don't even drive, so our son and I pull an 'old lady' shopping trolley through the street of Brussels every Saturday to get groceries. I have fond memories by the way of Costco in the UK (which is where I am from) my husband and I used to shop there until we moved to Belgium. He loved Costco. he sued to say 'It makes me feel I am in America' (He was Iranian - actually still is....) Ah! Family! Yes they CAN be awful. You are a smart lady. You know you won't agree to your husband's father's ridiculously conniving (as I see it) plan. Nor should you. Yes your husband would be furious (he IS I am sure), and shame on his father. Shame, shame, shame. I could write a book about my husband's family but I can think of a title that would be suitable for public consumption. We have no agenda here Kathryn but to support you. Come here for advice first there are a lot of heads here far wiser than mine who have been through every conceivable nightmare. I have a feeling Kathryn the business will - in time- thrive with you at the helm. For now though, you need to grieve and you must allow yourself to. You are not alone in this and you will never be, please remember that. I don't know the 'ins and outs' of running a business in the US but I have run one in London, UK and now in Brussels, Belgium. I have hired and fired and panicked and stressed so I know it can be done and wouldn't it be wonderful to keep it going for the 2 of you? You and your beloved husband. What a testimony, but only if you feel, in times to come that it is what you want. When the going gets rough Kathryn - as it will alas, but not forever - just remember how much you loved each other. How much you STILL love each other. When his family try and wear you down, just remember that you had the diamond of their blood line. They are more to be pitied than blamed. I am sending you all my love and a huge amount of courage. You already have both from your husband but a little extra cannot hurt. Big hugs lovely lady xxxxxx

Dear All, I am finally back in circulation! I won't name you all (you know who you are!) but I hope my dear friends you are all well, that you survived Christmas/New Year and are managing the cold weather. I am so sorry I haven't been on here but everything just got on top of me I'm afraid. The combination of working full time, dealing with legalities (ongoing), problems with mom's house in the UK, Christmas, New Year and my Birthday left me with so little energy it was all I could do to keep getting up in the mornings. I know I can't afford to come to a full stop for my beloved Max's sake, but I almost did and it got me worried. I found I couldn't talk really to anyone and oddly for me I even found writing tricky. I think sometimes in grief you hit such a wall that it seems insurmountable. I have also been panicking about whether I can manage financially, what happens if I get sick and can't work, how am I going to fix this for Max that he doesn't suffer any more than he has already. It all became too much alas. I have decided I must rise like a phoenix rather than sink like a stone (believe me the latter was very attractive for a while), that I have to trust the universe (and a little celestial help) and just carry on regardless. Fear is not an option, but it is a very real feeling. Anyway my friends, I have missed you all. Thank you so much Brad, Margaret and Kevin for your messages, they mean so much. Kay, just in case you thought I had won the lottery and disappeared, alas I haven't ....yet!!! You will be the first to know as I still harbour a huge fantasy about us all meeting up! For all those who don't know me, I do apologise. This is a bit of an 'insider' message to those that do know me. For all of you who are new here I am so so sorry for your loss. I came here because of the sudden death of my husband in August 2015 and, as my friends know, I have lost all my birth family and it is me and our 16 year old son now. The friends I refer to are the wonderful souls on this forum that, quite frankly, have kept me going through the darkest of times as I know they will you too. I send you all my love and thanks and above all my eternal gratitude for your loving hearts XXXXX

Tfer your story really hits home You have asked question that no one can answer other than there is a reason (even with all we have lost) I believe this. You were meant to be here and your beloved has gone on to a far greater place. Nothing you did was wrong. Nothing you could have done would have changed one moment of the outcome. These are the hardest moments we have to deal with the 'What if's?' My love, having lost the love of my life 4 months ago I understand. That you have got this far and found this forum is wonderful. Love and courage xxwe

I think - only my opinion - is the 'come back' is 'magical thinking' I mean the brain's way of preparing the heart. It IS UNTHINKABLE to be without them so we 'kid' ourselves a little every day. I don't believe we will ever live fully believing we will never see them again. Maybe because we will. Someday xx

Aha My Hearties! Captn Morgan Methinks? xxx

Wonderful words Karen. xx Because we are human, our hearts just don't comply as quickly. Because we are human, we will make it through this.

you can't undo years of personal tradition. Your beautiful words, that resonate over and over. We each of us had that and now each of us don't. We will now somehow have to make new ones. I have no idea how, just yet xxx

Oh Gwenivere! Lovely to be back. It is simply the worst time. I don't know how to frame it any better xxx

Oh Marsha. this is hell isn't it ? xxx

I am so sorry I haven't been here. I have never been so tired. I feel drained, to be honest. Every day there is another pressure - mostly financial - and I look at the stars and say 'come on baba enough is enough' normally I get an answer. Yesterday I wrote this..... I was walking home from work a little earlier and it occurred to me that this is what it is like to be human.To keep walking even though you know he won't be there when you arrive. To sit on a tram and refrain from saying to a total stranger 'I lost my love. Can't you tell?' To hold a complete inner dialogue with yourself along the lines of 'Where are you now EXACTLY? What does it look like? How will I pay all the bills? What am I going to do about your taxi? You left us in a right mess. I love you I love you, I love you. Come back now enough is enough' 'How will I get our son through University? How can I mend his broken heart? ' Then I find myself answering 'I think you are somewhere higher. I reckon it's very beautiful. You'll find a way. Someone will buy it maybe. I know it's not your fault. You know that. I can't'. You will somehow, you will. You can't do anything but be there, you're his mum' To be alone with no one to share your inner gremlins with. To feel so lost that even a Sherpa with a good compass couldn't help you. It isn't about the laughter and the good times.That's easy. Anyone can do that. It is this that makes us so very human. The need, the loneliness, the grief, the tears. The aching for the touch of only one person. Knowing that you could recognise his smell blindfolded. That in a world of 7 billion people somehow your inner GPS would find him, but to do that he has to be here, which he isn't and so it goes. To be human though is also to have had all of that to yearn and be broken for. To have experienced such amazing love that for a moment, back then, you felt almost invincible.To also receive the support from total strangers, for example, who reach out from their own grief to help. To know that your very soul has been touched by just one person. I think that is what it is like to be human. xxxxx This is what I grapple withe every day. As you all do. This is what it is to be human. I love you all xxx

Oh my friends you are all so wonderful. It has made me very teary, but for once in a good way! I am wrapped up in bed at the moment with flu!! It never rains eh?......A bit of the shivers followed by a bit of the fever so I will answer all your lovely messages of support as soon as I feel a bit better. Huge hugs to you all xxxx

Hello my Wonderful friends, I haven't said hello to you all for quite some time and I hope you are all well, I've missed you! It has been a very busy period with work and trying to wade through the bureaucratic minefield that is my husband's little company. I am exhausted to be honest and I've got myself quite low. I am finding things are getting worse and the void his passing has left seems to be just getting wider and I don't honestly know what I can do to make it any better. I really feel at a particular loss today. 18 weeks ago I was happy. I was normal and now I don't even recognise myself. I hardly slept last night. I cannot believe I have lost the one person who helped me make sense of the world. All my life I just wanted one person and I found him and then I lost him. I am worried about literally everything. My son's safety in an uncertain world, money, Christmas, New Year, facing the future without him. I cannot seem to stop crying today. I just can't find even a corner of comfort in my mind or soul. I have only my lovely Max (I know I am blessed) and I know that how I handle my grief will have a direct impact on how he handles it in the future. I know so so many of you feel the same and when I read your posts I live them with you. I am not by nature an angry person or have ever felt one of life's 'victims' even though I have lost all of my birth family, but I am feeling both now and I don't like it. I am so sorry to rant on but I don't even have the energy to pick up the phone and call a friend. Writing seems to be the only thing that helps. I can see quite clearly that when this nightmare first began, the shock and numbness actually saved me from the initial impact. Somewhere in the middle I had peaceful moments of acceptance and then some lows, but now it seems all downhill. I can't seem to accept I will never see him again on this earth. In my mind's eye is key is in the door and he is walking in. When I come home, he will be on the sofa. I will hear his voice again. It is like my soul is still searching for him although my mind knows it is hopeless. I used to consider myself quite a strong person, but then it is so easy to be strong with your rock by your side isn't it? I am sorry to sound so negative but it is how I am feeling at the moment. I am sure, this too will pass. Big hugs to you all XXXXX

God bless you and your family Marty and Happy Thanksgiving xxxxx Big hugsxx

Kay, just read this. It is like a gremlin in the works that makes you think about the minutiae again when all you care about is him. I am so sorry. if it helps I get eternal mail about mom and Mathew and don't really expect it to ever end xx

Deedo saw every moment Brad. Every second of her beloved granddaughter. I ask you to believe me on this, because I know the Grandparent bond. Mom had it with Max and he feels her xx

Marty, your beautiful love is so special and makes me warm. You are enlightened soul who has provided a space for people to show their love to both those who have passed and to those that are living.. God Bless you and your family. Marty the only way I can figure to fix it, is one person at a time. Love cannot be conquered - and if we approach life with love, each person at a time...... I am not naive enough to believe this will change the world, of course it wont. BUT I do believe certain souls are enlightened enough to do it, one by one. Make this world the place that our Creator envisioned it to be. Bring our children up to love. There is and has always been evil among us but it has never won...Ghandi once said - and I paraphrase - that in the whole history of mankind, evil has never conquered, not even once. You see, even looking at odds of 1/3rd evil (not possible) the bad are outnumbered. I believe it to be so, because I have found it to be so. As for us, it is a great burden now when our chikdren walk out of the door on the way to school. Our fathers and forefathers battled for democracy, they never imagined this for their grandchildren. But in Europe at least, the world was ever thus. We get through every blessed day, with the support of big hearts like yours. xxxx

Love and more love to you Marti. You are one of God's assistants. You have helped me - and 1000's walking this lonely path- more than you will ever know in this life on earth. God bless you and your family and have a wonderfiul ThanksgivingXXX

I really now, I am bowed. What comes first Brad, the fear for my son, the grief or the loneliness who knows...It changes on that scale day by day. That people - such as you my wonderful Brad -- that ,care are everything. I just want HIM here to hold me and to chase away the demons in the night. Instead I am the only one one to chase away my son's. BUT it it as it is and it is as it will be. I cannot change it. If I could just have one other adult member of my family to call. To check my pulse and know I was doing ok... My thoughts for tonight these......and a HUGE hug to you my friend xxx IMAGE 12.jpg-large