Ceili

Good work Angel. I know how hard this is for you. I am very proud of what you are doing. Thoughts and prayers.

Hi willow87 - I am so sorry for you loss. It is so fresh. I had an eye eye twitch as well. I felt as if I was going crazy with it. I did what the others have suggested and it did help somewhat. For me it was a matter of time. One day I woke up and it was gone. I had a lot of anxiety and I am sure that is what caused it. If your physical symptoms continue or get worse, or you just need help coping with them, go and see your doctor. Daughter- of an amazing mom - I am so sorry for the loss of your mom as well. I had the torso tightness too. With mom's first anniversary it has returned at times. You are certainly right that grief and sadness hurt...physically. Sometimes I swear that I can feel my heart breaking. And I hope that both of you keep coming back to talk about your grief and seek support. This is a good place.

I hear you Dave. You hand in there too.

Mine were head over heel's. Still are. I think it is good that my dad went first. Mom was the stronger one. Thoughts and prayers for you and your dad.

I think that the age you lose a parent can be compared to the age you lose a child, a spouse (this I don't know yet), a sibling a friend.. They are very different losses. still hurt like hell, just for different reasons. My first loss was that of one of my two best friends at age 17. It was incomprehensible, not supposed to happen. The three of us were inseparable. We lost the time we had together, but also our future and our innocence. I lost a daughter at 6 months of age (from a heart defect), one at birth, and had a 14 week miscarriage. Each of those losses was different from the other, but again. all involved the loss of the future, and with my 6 month old, watching her suffer I would never see them go off to kindergarten. college, get married, have a child of their own. I joined a group for those who had lost children. Again, everyone's loss was different (some had other children, some didn't, some lost a 30 year old, others a baby) but we had all lost a child. And as the tragedy of losing a child often does, some of us wound up divorced, others closer together. With parents, it is the same thing I think. I feel so badly for those of you who have lost your mom or dad at a younger age. I know that you might feel jealous that I had my dad and mom so long and you have a right to that feeling. (To this day, I still feel an occasional twinge of jealousy when I see a mom with her child no matter what the age.) I don't totally understand what your losses feel like, but I can understand the loss of a parent. My dad died 10 years ago, my mom a year ago at age 87 (I was 57). I was so close to my mom as she guided me through all of my earlier losses, and was my best friend especially after my first husband ran off with someone else. What a guy! When you lose an elderly parent, you sometimes have a role reversal. The years caring for my mom was almost like caring for another sick child. It was painful to see her fade away. I lost her while she was alive. I am glad she is finally at peace, but still feel the same overall feeling....I lost my mom. I do know that I was blessed to have her see me get my nursing degree, get married (twice), lucky to have her support as I buried my friend and my children. I feel badly for those of you who mourn the fact that your parents won't be there for the good things (and the tough ones) that life holds. But my heart also goes out to all of us who are grieving. Ouch. Peace.

PS I know that your mom is there with you.

Mom's Angel - I have been thinking and thinking about what to say to you since I read your post but could not come up with any words because I know how deeply you miss your mom. Good luck with your exams. You are in my heart, my thoughts, and prayers.

As I struggle so much with the first year anniversary of my mom's passing, I have to honor my father on the 10th anniversary of his death. I cannot believe it has been that long. I love you and miss you dad. I know that you are truly at peace with mom by your side. I wish that I could be as strong about mom's death as she was about my dads. Her husband and she was so strong. I love and miss you both.

iheartm - I am so sorry for the depth of your pain. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

one2counsel - I am so sorry for the loss of your father and the difficulties you are now facing. As I mentioned above, my mom died after I cared for her for 3 years. I was on antidepressants for a good part of that time and when she died, they weren't working at all. My doctor did change my meds and the new meds did help with the depression. They didn't take my grief away (we need to work through that) but did eventually help me function again. Have you discussed that with your doctor? I think the things you describe, such as bad memory and poor concentration are part of grief for us all. I do however think that suffering depression and grief are different things and having both going on, only makes us less able to remember, concentrate. For awhile in fact, I was so depressed I couldn't grieve. Sounds weird but once the depression lifted a bit, I was able to start working on the loss of my mom. I think that kayc's idea of a counselor is a good one. And try not to be hard on yourself - 2 months into the grief process is so early. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

David - I am so sorry for all of the losses you have endured, especially the loss of your mother. I lost my mom exactly a year ago and am currently struggling with the dreaded one year anniversary. I took care of my mom for about 3 years and after she died became depressed and anxious in addition to feeling the grief. It knocked me out and now at a year, I still feel her loss deeply. Having been a caretaker as you were, I think we lose one of the the greatest purposes in life that we have ever had. The caring for of a beloved parent who had spent their life caring for us. I had quit my job to care for mom and was left with such a hole. I think that produces so much of the anxiety. And for me, anxiety is worse than the depression. Sometimes meditating helps. Sometimes I have to take something. But David, it does ease. Five to six months was an awfully difficult time for me but that did ease up and I began to function again. This year anniversary has really hit me hard, but I hang on to the hope that if I felt better once, I probably will again. And keep in mind, that five months is so early in the grieving process. Keep reaching out. keep coming and sharing here. it helps. And Marty always has helpful things to read. My thoughts are with you. And try not to isolate. I am notorious for that. It is hard not to though. I understand.

I won't have time to write this tomorrow as we are traveling. Tomorrow is the first anniversary of my mom/best friend's death. I never imagined it would hit so hard. Mom, I love you and miss you so much. I know that you are happy and with dad. I am glad that you are suffering no longer. I will see you someday. Take care of my children who are in heaven with you. I love you and dad.

Thanks Marty. Many things to inspire me and perhaps a different way to view things.

Thank you Mom's angel and kayc. I wish you both moments of peace in these tough times. 3 months Mom's angel is no time at all. Thank you for reminding me that the the bond and love never dies.

I have not been here in awhile as an orthopedic issue has been consuming my time. Lots of pain. I was a figure skater when I was younger and really did a number on my spine. Plus I had a cancer scare and surgery...all OK. But now the pain is coming from this one year anniversary of mom's death. Why does it hurt so deeply? It was a year ago yesterday that mom had her stroke and the last time that I heard her voice. She hung on for a week longer but was unconscious. It was a shock because it was not what she was dying from. She had a severe lung disease that would have kept getting worse so the stroke and her quick death really was a blessing. She was my best friend. I cared for her for three years. I miss talking to her. I miss her love. I miss her companionship. My husband and I went to the mall today and had lunch where my mom and I had gone when she was well. I saw myself sitting there with her (I didn't really see her - just in my head). As the youngest of 6 children, I was the closest to her. Mom, can't you contact me in some way and tell me that all will be OK? I keep flashing back to that awful ambulance ride from the hospital to the hospice the day before you died. There was nothing left of you. 80# maybe? Will this get better? Or is it always going to hurt so much? A year. And I realize that the time without you is just going to keep getting longer and longer. Does it hurt more and more? I just want to see you. To give you one more hug. To tell you I love you. Why aren't there any answers? I have so much good in my life but right now am having a hard time appreciating it. Right now my heart is breaking all over again. Am I crazy?

Em, I am so very sorry for the loss of your dad. My mom died 10 months ago and I still have very hard days. Today is my birthday and all I can think of is that it is the first without my mom and am shedding alot of tears. Unlike you however, my mom's death was expected so I don't have the added burden of feeling that guilt. It sounds to me like you did a very good job of checking on your dad and offering him help. You could not see the future. Your dad did his best to reassure you and probably felt that he was OK. It isn't the same, but there were quite a few times that I felt my mom needed to see the doctor but she refused. It took me awhile to learn that I could not force her. I am beginning to believe that when dealing with a major loss, 10 months is not that long. Your dad was there your entire life and now you need to learn to adjust to a world without him. That is hard work. My mom was also my best friend and I cared for her for 3 years. We are all dealing with big voids in our lives that need to be filled. Be gentle with yourself (Oh I wish I could take my own advice). Talk to your dad. Tell him what you feel. I talk to both of my parents all of the time. I must look crazy. Keep coming here...people understand. I am glad that you have a therapist. I am seeing one as well. And maybe, your family might want to know what you are dealing with. Just something to keep in mind. Thoughts and prayers to you.

Birthdays are hard. Tomorrow it will be 10 months since mom died and I think that I found New Years Eve the hardest. No idea why. Went to bed at 9 pm. My own birthday is on Tuesday. I feel a little sad but mainly because I am getting old!. We leave for a week of vacation in Florida on Wednesday to stay with my husbands dad. Looking forward to some sun. You will all be in my thoughts and prayers.

hollowheart -Thank you. Sometimes they get all mixed up-especially the girls. You use the perfect word - insane. I will try to keep your advice in mind and remember to mourn them separately. Your use of the word "gentle" is also spot on. That night when I was crying, it was just that...gentler. I felt a bit more in control. It felt good in some strange way. What a weird journey grief is.

I am not a grief counselor Mom's Angel. I wish I had the right answer for you. I can just hear your pain and it makes me so sad. Is it possible that going back and being with your friends and having your studies to focus on might make you feel some normalcy again? It would be really hard at first but could very well get easier as time went on. Did you like your studies before your mom passed? I was so lost right after mom died because I had cared for her...then bam! It all stopped. My husband gave me some volunteer research to do for him. I had to get up and go to his job and interact with people I did not know. I felt like a freak at first. But after a few days it got easier and I started to look forward to it. After my dad died, my mom got some advice from a friend who had lost her husband two years earlier. She told her to never turn down an invitation. My mom followed that advice and several years later said she thought that advice had saved her from giving up. It was not easy. And it wasn't covering her grief. She would go home after being out and cry for hours, but it gave her a breather. It made her feel more normal for awhile. I don't know if going back is right for you or not. Could you try and if it was too much take the time you need? I do think that isolating yourself is one of the worst things that you can do. Find something. Start small and allow yourself your grief time as well. I suffer from clinical depression and isolating is one of the first signs that I am becoming depressed and need help. Do you think that finding a grief group or counselor might help you? Please keep us posted. Hugs to you sweetie.

Thank you kayc. And I am sorry for the loss of your three babies. It is such a deep loss that never leaves. Shadow grief, My thoughts are with you this New Year's Eve.

Chel - I am so sorry for your loss and pain. I agree with kayc. You are absolutely not responsible for what your ex did to you. NO MATTER WHAT, he ad no right to hurt you that way. I hope as well that you would be open to finding a good therapist to talk with. Please come back and express your feelings - there are so many good people here to listen. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Beautiful.

Thank you Marty - I see myself in that article. Years ago, when my ex-husband and I were trying to start our family, we suffered three very different losses. Our first little girl Lauren, was born with Down Syndrome and a serious heart defect. Lauren died 2 days after open heart surgery at the age of 6 months. Exactly a year later, I suffered a miscarriage at 14 weeks. The following year to the exact date, my daughter Maura died in utero the day before they were going to induce me. It was a cord accident and I felt her die - frantic movement for 15 minutes, then nothing. When they did an ultrasound the next day and told me she had died, I heard a scream in my head and then felt nothing. I had to go through labor to deliver a deceased child. Right across the hall, a woman was giving birth at the same time. I heard the doctor call out to her "you have a girl". I buried Maura 2 years to the day of Lauren's death. I have not been the same since and never will be. I had always wanted to be a mom "just like my own mom". I never entertained the thought of pregnancy or adoption again. I don't think that I ever grieved that loss...that I wanted to be a mom. I gave up on a dream of getting my masters in nursing. I live with the fear of waiting for the next loss in my life. I am remarried and have a stepson and there were problems during his growing up years but we have a good relationship now. I think that losing my mom, who was such a support to me with all of my losses, has caused me to grieve the loss of my dreams as well. I lost my dad 8 years ago after helping mom with caretaking. I lost one of my best friends when I was 17 and another friend through suicide at 25. I am even crying for those old losses. As overwhelming as it is, last night as I cried, I started to experience this weird sensation of relief. I think that is a good thing. Happy New year.

I agree with you hollowheart. It has been almost 10 months now since my mom/best friend died. With the new year coming I have been having such a hard time. The reality has set in. My siblings are all doing better than I am. I was mom's caretaker for 3 years. Even though she was in assisted living this time last year, I still did everything for her.. She was deteriorating rapidly and I did things for her everyday. Doctors, ER visits, treatments. hospital stays. I was alone with her in the ER when the doctor told me she had suffered bleeding on the brain and it wouldn't be long. I think I went on auto pilot and blocked out my feelings to do all that I had to do. I had to say goodbye and tell her I love her before they transferred her to a different hospital with a neuro ICU. I followed the ambulance and the next time I saw her, she was almost comatose. Crying in pain. I felt so helpless and had no one was with me. My husband was out of town. My sister was able to get there in about 6 hours. I think I am feeling the pain I could not feel last year. I am crying a lot for my daughters as well. I don't know if this is normal or I am just not coping well.

I know what you mean about stepping into the New year without your mom. Another first. And a real scary one. Even at my age. I had some good times in 2015 after she died in March...I had had some time to grieve. Your loss is so new. A big hug your way.