Witheverypieceofme

It'll be 10 months on the 18th since my love died. I can't help but relive the day of the accident...every chance I get. I am completely torn and feel like I have been getting worse - the shock wore off. I've always been the type of person to listen and help others, and all my friends/family expect that since I was so good at taking people I should be fine by now... not like they have said that to my face but it is pretty clear. Crazy how the friends you had with your spouse tend to dwindle down... the first couple months I had tremendous support and now I can only count on one hand how many times I have seen each of my friends. I tend to be pretty thankful for the life I had with Lucien, and had no regrets about our relationship whatsoever, we were perfect in my eyes and I know he saw that too. I still live in the house we lived in together and I don't know if it's a good or bad thing. I see his dresser and his side of the closet everyday untouched and just cant quite get to the point where I feel okay dismantling everything he had. Being friends and/or dating since 2005, it feels like every place I step there's a memory with him. The thing that tears me apart the most is the day leading up to his death. We were on day 3 of camping and riding our dirt bikes in the sand dunes with a big group of us, about 25 or so. The day was going great until my bike started having mechanical issues and I wasn't quite comfortable to ride anymore. We all got to a meeting point and I told Lucien I was going to head back to the campsite because I needed to figure out what was wrong...he told me he would come with me and I refused and said to go have fun with his friends. We said "I love you, see you in a bit" to each other and I rode back to the camp site while he went back with the group. That was the last time I saw him. My friends came racing back to grab me and said that Lucien was in an accident with his friend's truck while riding and was about to be air lifted to the hospital. We drove 20 minutes to the ER, waited and waited as I planned out how I would take care of him no matter what and we would get through it. I kept hoping to hear the sound of the helicopter coming, but it never showed up. He died in the dunes while I was rushing to the hospital thinking he would be there. I could have agreed to him coming back with me. I should have just said "okay".

Fabian, I am so sorry. I lost my spouse about 9 months ago when he was 27 to a sudden accident as well, while we were on vacation. I started seeing a grief counselor about a month after he died and I am still seeing her. It helped me tremendously while I was holding tightly onto the "what ifs"...almost every night I would replay how our day went and what would have changed the outcome. It is totally normal for us to think these things, and it doesn't mean that we NEED to go see someone about it, but in my circumstances which I feel are similar to yours...it truly helped. Where I had a lot of support the first couple months, it slowly drifted while everyone else went back to their normal lives besides me, which is why I am thankful I still had someone to talk to. I was actively on here as well, not always posting but doing a lot of reading, and can say that you have found the right place to share your thoughts to people who have been through your type of loss. Sending healing thoughts your way... Melani

Today is Lucien’s 28th birthday. I can’t believe the same man I met 10 years ago had accomplished so much and still remained the sweetest, most generous person I had ever met in my life. He kept all the cards and letters I had ever written him when I thought that he threw them away. They were in an accordion type folder that I would’ve never thought to look, until the day I came back from our vacation after he died and I tore apart our whole bedroom. I keep reading all the birthday cards I wrote him, and one specifically stood out – 10/6/2012, the last thing I wrote him was “Here’s to you being a year older, and many more years to come, and you better outlive me because I don’t know what I would do without you.” I can’t even explain the feeling I get except that I have read it over and over again since the day I found the cards. We were so in love and excited for our future, our house, starting a family…. I just turned 24 this July, and I had always wanted to wait until I was 28 to have kids and Lucien respected that. There are so many parts of me wishing that I had a kid sooner, someone who would be just like him, someone who would remind me of the man who once completed me. Happy birthday my love. My heart aches, but I still am writing you a birthday card today to put with the others you kept. Although I selfishly wanted you here forever, the love and joy you gave to me is something I will treasure until the day I die. I can still hear the ring of your voice and the grin on your face telling me you loved me every day, and I don’t mind if that continues to bounce around in my head forever. With every piece of me … Melani <3

Debi, his shoes are still on the stairs as well , I don't want to move them. I can't ever imagine taking these photos of us down, even when I eventually find love again. It pains me to think that these photos are strictly memories and there's no more adventure left for him and I. Kayc, I did not post the photo privately but I re inserted it , maybe it can be seen now. It was an 8 hour drive home and family who lived halfway immediately came and got me. I left everything behind for my friends to take home for me , thankful that they were there.

I am glad that you still sang to her, she was listening and smiling the whole time like she always had. I am sure she is happy that you still kept the tradition going <3

Just over 6 weeks ago I lost my better half. His name was Lucien, and was the love of my life for 10 years. We were on vacation and started our day like normal, a good morning kiss, drink some coffee, and continued what I thought would be a start to an amazing day. He was killed unexpectedly in an accident riding our dirtbikes in the dunes, and my life immediately turned upside-down, inside-out and destructed more than I ever thought it could. He would be turning 28 in 4 days, 10/6. You never imagine anything like this until the day it happens, still in shock. You then go home and start ripping up every part of your house looking for evidence of him, whether it be a birthday card, a letter, a sticky note with the grocery list in his handwriting, old printed photos...anything. While you're still in the shock of him being gone you are comforting yourself by manically searching for any item that you will cherish forever. I thought at first I couldn't live in this home, being it was ours..But the more I thought about it I realized that WE made this our home with the walls covered in beautiful art and photos, amazing memories, family dinners and most of all where we were always comfortable. I could name any other place in the world where I could live and still think of him the same, so I am staying. But that doesn't mean that every day since you've been gone I have had a "good" day...every day sucks and I can't imagine going through this pain so vivid and constant. Loss is something that we know and expect to be the one of the most difficult pains to deal with, yet once it happens to you it's like you start all over and it's even worse than you ever thought it would get. Every day feels like day one without him again, and every emotion replays over and over again until you ask yourself "can I even produce this many tears?" Why yes, you most definitely can, and they will come out of the blue right when you think you're okay to finally go to the grocery store, walk to your mailbox or go out to lunch with a friend. Suddenly you pass by his favorite cereal in the store, your mailbox has a "sign up for our credit card" junk with his name on it, and your friend at lunch orders what was HIS favorite meal....and it starts all over again. Stopping at nothing until I find every single picture of us makes me re live all the beautiful memories ^^