Amily

It's nearly a New Year and I am afraid to leave behind the year that I lost my love. I don't think I'm afraid of forgetting, I just don't want to be separated from the year that he knew, that he existed physically in. Does anyone feel what I mean? Having said that, I am currently a shell. I would want nothing more than to rewind or fast forward time, far away from this present moment. Anything than existing in the here and now. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. But I also think back to the beginning after I lost him and think how far I have come. Back then it was minute by minute and now I can do day by day. Christmas and a couple of our special anniversaries have come to pass and they didn't sting as much as I had anticipated. The pain is always with me and it seems to have a mind of it's own, dipping and rising on it's own accord. Hoping everyone has a happy new year - things can't get any worse right?

6 weeks today - when does it get easier? I can't fathom living the rest of my life like this

It's been exactly a week and I feel like I am going insane? The first day or two I was in shock and shaking and just completely numb And then I started creating this elaborate fantasy world and lying and exaggerating to a member of his family about some pretty heavy stuff. Insane stuff that would make my lost partner look pretty bad too. i think I was trying to make her see the pain she caused me by not letting me say goodbye or perhaps cause her pain similar to mine? I know my lost one would be so disappointed with me - I haven't been able to be strong enough to deal with this. I also harbour a lot of guilt about the course of our relationships. I can't concentrate on anything and my mind is calmer than it was but then it goes back to racing Can anybody help me with tips on how to deal with this? I just don't know how I am supposed to function