Almost a year ago I lost my son in a car accident. I drove him to the airport to visit friends and within a couple of hours of landing in California the accident occured. He had turned 20 years old a couple of weeks earlier. Now we are approaching his birthday and I am finding this the hardest milestone yet. Aaron and his sister shared the same birthday, only three years apart. He would have been 21 and she will be 18. They had been planning for years how they would celebrate this birthday together. Now of course they can't, my daughter is so sad and is dreading her birthday. He was my oldest child and brought to me the gift of love that I could never have dreamed of prior to his birth. I know that I will have to be there for my daughter on this day, but I am so sad myself that I am afraid that I don't have enough left anymore. I miss him so much and feel so heartbroken. I have a husband and two other children (also a seven year old) and subsequently have to keep functioning and moving along. I haven't had much opportunity to talk with others who have lost a child. I have many caring friends, but I know that they don't understand and are uncomfortable when I really tell them how I am doing. Its hard to articulate when I can't even identify what I am feeling. Haven't found a therapist that is helpful and feel that I just need to get this stuff out. I know I need to reach out somehow, as I am starting to have some painful physical manifestations of my grief, neck crinks, back aches, headaches. To most people I look like everything is going great and that I am moving along. In some ways things are better, but it is such a weight knowing that things will always be way out of sorts because of Aaron's passing. The hole that I have in my heart and my sadness will always be there. I have wonderful memories and know that his memory and my love for him will never go away. I am happy about that and cherish it. I believe that he is in a peaceful and good place and I try not to worry about him any longer. So much of who I am is wrapped up in being a mother to my children. Thanks to anyone who reads this, and I really hope that this forum will help me to let some of my feeling out. Holly
