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Everything posted by Gwenivere

  1. I’m a little late, but hope you get to feeling better soon. Sure sounds like the flu.with sudden onset. Not the best time of year for it but chicken soup? 🥣 thanks Karen.
  2. She has been absent a long time. I don’t know a way to see when she last was here. I now she had gotten her poodle. Seems she was having other problems tho. Marty?. Can you tell us?
  3. Well, had my first physical fall last night alone. Luckily I knew it was happening unlike when I had been taken down by surprise by dogs at the dog park so I didn’t get hurt, but it so emphasized how alone I am. I remember Steve fell a few times and you definitely hear it. Being much older now it is a big fear. I didn’t even feel shock. Just.....old and alone. Where was my champion? My hero? The love of my life? It didn’t feel more serious than a light bulb needing changing that is hard for me to reach. I’m so empty inside without him. I never feel safe any more. Rhetorical, but I again wonder how I will ever find a reason to keep getting up without him. As age catches up with me I want to share the winding down with him like so many older couples I see everyday. I imagine then as the young people they were and still holding hands now. How they don’t see age when they look at each other. They see love.
  4. I only saw the new Starcis Born and thought it was spectacular. I really liked how they handled his death scene without showing it and was in tears at her singing The Shallow ar the end. It was a good cry tho. The cry we all know about. That unnecessary loss. The loss we could not stop.
  5. Great idea, Kay, to try and turn the birthday around to the obvious we may never have thought. Had they not been born, we would have never had thier love. I truly believe I would have found someone, but it would never have been this intense and totally entwining. It would have been more conventional that I’ve seen so many times. Love is good for everyone, but some of us hit the mother lode. Know I did.
  6. I record and watch Jimmy Kimmel and jimmy Fallen. Both shows always end with a band. I’m usually playing a game on my iPad, but I hear the songs. I’ve heard some beautiful ones and will watch the performers and they are young. Love songs at that beginning of their journey. I appreciate the music, but get so sad missing those days and how far we came from that youth. The being so consumed with that person. I think about if Steve were here I would smile when I heard them. Now they trigger such longing and sadness. Open the door to knowing this was the one. The door that got shut.
  7. Peacefully. I know you will still have things to process. We are all here for you. This time SHALOM to you.
  8. Marg is right. One good thing about getting older is not caring about being popular anymore. People either fit with us or they don’t. Although I am mostly alone, I have given people the boot because I don’t want 'friends' out of desperation. Creates more voids, but they were voids to begin with. When I don’t walk away feeling some kind of fulfillment, I just feel pathetic. Tough calls at this age when we aren’t flourishing in the world anymore.
  9. If you shared it here about Arlie, I must have missed it Kay. I’m so sorry to hear the news. I dont know what else to say having been thru it before many times. My heart is with you. 💖
  10. I was out on errands today and got to wondering why people get all weird sometimes when you want to share with them. I bought a stapler and it came with a staple remover a woman next to me was looking for but they were sold out. I said she could have the one with mine. Ii practically had to talk her into it. I’ve had it happen with coupons for money off large grocery bills as I never spend the $50 minimum. Not everyone, some are delighted. But more turn it down. I’ve had people give me coupons and I think it’s nice. Just babbling as I don’t get it. Someone turns down a $5 off coupon when they have a cart of groceries that will be well over $100. Are so many distrustful of others? Nothing comes without a price? I’m some weird food store stalker? On time, Year’s ago, I was behind a guy at a store and he didn’t have their discount card so I said use mine. To my surprise,m in the Sunday paper under Rants and Raves he had called it in. I thought he was buying flowers for his girlfriend and it turned out is was for his mothers grave. It wasn’t the money, it was that he thought someone helping someone was cool.
  11. This really sums up my frustration with the outside world. They don’t get this and it’s fix, fix, fix all the time. A situation that cant be fixed, just adapted to. So much unsolicited advice out there. It’s so redundant too what people think of. I’m into my 5th year and over and over again I get the same rhetoric. I’ve had people wonder why I keep 2 placemats on the table. Why I still have his car. Hs bathroom hasn’t changed one bit except to remove cancer supplies. I did donate his clothes but kept my and his favorites. His name is still on the checks. I hate when I have to replace something because it broke. Enough of him has been erased by death. Too much of him. All this stuff and old memories is all I have. Can’t make any new ones, only ones I fantasize when something happens and how he would react. Life is just a jigsaw puzzle with half the pieces gone. It will never be possible to complete.
  12. I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. 10 days is such a time of shock and disbelief and feeling our life is over. In a way it is. What we knew is gone forever. At over 4 years I still don’t feel alive. I exist. Everything you feel is normal. I don’t know the details of your loss, but an argument is part of life. We normally do not know the moment we will lose them. Those of us that lost our partners in hospice or long illnesses have some warning. But it doesn’t make the pain any easier. I hope you will be able to tackle that guilt as there is nothing to feel guilty about. Many here have lost their partners suddenly. Perhaps if you could share a bit more of what happened, they can help. Mine was not a sudden loss so there was time to talk. You are in the right place with some wonderful, loving people.
  13. I think it is that dating thing that baffles me now that I’m so much older. Finding someone interesting enough to do that. People do it at every age, chemistry thing. Steve and I never dated as it was a clandestine relationship and we married when we were free. But I remember dating others and it was fun when I had that energy. For us now having had the person, I always remember Katpilot and Cathy and how they said their relationship would always be 4 people. That is the difference now. My dad married my mom when my biological father died. She kept him locked away as a ghost. Never talked about him. Ever. I don’t know how she did it. I remember asking questions about him and she would push them aside. Didn’t learn anything about him til she died and an aunt surfaced I didn’t know I had. That all aside, they live in our hearts and minds and always will. No one would ever have the whole me again.
  14. David, you are still new in this lifelong journey. You’ve left the shock phase and now face life without your partner. Things that would have happened anyway. It was a shock to me when life carried on and things went wrong it seems endlessly. Fortunately not financially. But without purpose and meaning in my heart, they become so monumental.
  15. How it feels for me is how hard it is to be in love alone now. This wasn’t some crush or infatuation. This was the real deal and we didn’t break up. Painful as that would be, at least he would be alive and we did split up a couple of times so I could always call him and hear his voice. So I wander thru life, in love, but I can’t express it with him, to him or have his in return. It’s a double slam of pain.
  16. I guess I am the weird one. I want to be with the real Steve and could not handle 'seeing' him any other way. If I can’t touch or hold him, it would just make this worse. I already know the things he would say, or have a pretty good darned guess. He’d also be logical in that he had no control and couldn’t help me anymore. He can’t help me with this. He also can’t help me with all the medical issues. He can’t help the depression. Without his help, seeing him would just rip my heart apart more, especially to hav3 to let him go again.. I already know the depth of our love. Would he feel bad? Yes. I kno w that is why I am hooked on the sleep world. There it feels real. Sometimes illusion trumps reality. It certainly does for me right now.
  17. Grief Brain. BTDT many many times. Sometimes I’m surprised I mike it thru a day that involves finances or other worldly tasks. All normal, George. Awful, but normal.
  18. I do thecnote thing too, Mitch. I manage to get it done. What gets me is I have to write one now. Find reasons to fill another. As for optimism, that fled the building a long time ago. Along with hope. Purpose and meaning are just words on a page now.
  19. David, if it helps, I wake up every day wishing I didn’t have to. Even getting dressed is a monumental chore. I like the sleep world. At least there now, I have this life that feels involved with the human race. Kinda ironic. If I see Steve the waking up is doubly hard. It’s also hard when anniversaries are clustered together. They would be hard anyway, but no time to regroup and prepare. Mine are from late October thru late January with the holidays thrown in of happy families. It’s hard now hating what was our favorite time of year. Torture watching others all excited. There’s no outrunning it either. His death, our birthdays and anniversary so we were always doing something fun. People that know me don’t even bother to invite me to anything and I’m glad. I would hate to come home after seeing what they still have. Best I just stumble my way thru it.
  20. I used to get furious with Steve too. Don’t feel guilt, that is totally normal. Like you, without the dogs I’m not sure I would still be here. Then I realized it wasn’t him, it was the illness because he sure didn’t want to die and had so much to live for. I’m so furious at it I won’t even discuss cancer. Anything remotely related to it goes into the physical or mental trash bin. I’m so cold about it I did not become a survivor advocate. Steve participated in trials and that’s where it ends for me. I make no donations and feel no guilt because it needs to be banished from my existence. His half of our estate goes to research per his wishes. That’s enough. Kay, I’d give anything to live again. It’s kinda a Catch 22 for me. On one hand my med probs hold me back, but only one of them can maybe be controlled. The others are permanent and will worsen with age. I see people that persevere despite thier maladies, but that is not me. I’m a prisoner, especially to the oxygen. I need some freedom. Aches and pains would be OK, but this is serious stuff. I’m supposed to do breathing routines 3 times a day also. I’m tied to medicinal care that I can’t commit to anything anymore. It’s affecting my volunteering be it the condition or another appointment to choose between. I keep being called in to 'talk' about options. I was getting used maybe twice a month but now it’s all the time and I’m sick of it. The docs have time to make me hobble in, but they won’t pick up a phone. My life is all that and counselors. There’s no room for.......living.
  21. I googled......don’t want to live, don’t want to die. Found lots of articles called passive suicide. Very different than the definition os suicide with a plan and certain you want death. I discovered that is where I live, Day after day. Doing the routine things for routines sake. An aquaintance told me this weekend she had down days and she would forget to see the good things because she was trapped in the negative. I tried looking at the perspective and realized she battles nothing that is precedents by our huge loss and all that comes from it. The worst she was dealing was her wife getting a new job so she wouldn’t see her much over the week. No huge medical problems. No loss of her ability to work from medical conditions. So busy living a normal life. Goals, partnership even if less now. These articles stress purpose and meaning. All the typical things, join a church, take a walk in nature, volunteer, expand ways to be with people. They don’t say how you do that when you are disabled by 4 medical conditions that feed on each other. And in then it loops back in my mind to Steve. It always does and whoever here said........ I was killed and left alive. What was validating was this was very common. People here tha word suicide and assume that is what we want. It’s just stopping the pain and feeling like we mean something in this world again. To someone 24/7. Having someone you feel that way about. Have no time to write more because I have a therapy appointment and have to express some anger to him for how he adds to that. He’s a good therapist but won’t guve an inch in minutes unlike my counselor who will talk to me on the phone if needed. Just wanted to share this definition that fits me as we are taught not the say the S word.
  22. Oh! The things I think of saying if I had the chance again. Used to be good at witty comebacks, but ya olde brain just doesn’t work that fast anymore. It took forever to retrieve the word 'lifesaver' (the candy) yesterday in conversation. One time I couldn’t think of the word microwave and said......you know, that box that heats frozen stuff. I know it happens to everyone, it’s now that it is happening more frequently thst it’s kinda depressing. Sometimes I wonder how much are all the meds I have to take being old. I miss the days I took an aspirin and that took a lot to need some. Only drug in the house too. Now the place is a mini pharmacy. Add in grief and it’s a wonder I can remember my own name. pulled a good one the other day. Had to have tires replaced unexpectedly and was feeling pretty good I got it done til I was backing out and hit another car. Not a lot of damage but enough to ruin what I felt was an accomplishment since I’m so sick of solving problems and it put the kabash on everything I had planned to do. At least so far everyone I’ve told has done it too. Only time I have caused damages. Usually it’s only to my car with poles or barriers. Don’t think I will get my car fixed. It’s not that bad and I haven’t the motivation to do much of anything but get thru another meaningless day. ive only been up 90 minutes and had my oxygen tubing ripped from my face by a skittish dog, had it knock over a glass of water onto the coffee table and carpet and snag 4 times. I hate living on a leash. Supposed to be 80 or more here tomorrow after days of low 50’s. This is crazy! My run of negative luck has me wondering if there is such a thing as karma and what I could have possibly done to be such a target lately with the ER, tires and range hood light breaking. Porch light going out and I can’t reach it on the stairs. The worst thing I’ve done is snag a mandarin from the kiddie bin at the store. Sure seems high punishment for such a petty crime. . waiting for a call from the on call doc as my thyroid meds were changed and am feeling really strange. Wondering why I bother when I really would rather be with Steve. He’d make everything OK or give me reason to want to fix it. I’ve yet to figure out how to live a purposeless life.
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