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Gwenivere

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Everything posted by Gwenivere

  1. WhT do they do where you are in emergencies? Do they do Medivacs? Rural living may have appealed when I was young, but certainly not now. Even vback then I did the club scene so where would I shake my booty? 😎
  2. I’ve read this in other places too on the net. Sometimes Google is an enemy. I know how I feel and for all the reasons you stated, Mitch. I’ve read stories or seen others who have done 'better' than me adjusting. I’ve spent lots of time asking my counselors if there is something wrong with me. I had someone more important to me than myself and that was taken away. I’ve tried to make it about me now, but it doesn’t work. I gave myself completely to another. Some thing I never did before. Now he is gone and while I am still me, I’m also forever changed losing that intertwined safety and love. I’ve given up trying to find words to describe it. there is nothing wrong with me, or if there is, I haven’t found a fix for it in over 4 years. I thought I might find some answers at Foss, but they didn’t either marry, had conventional marriages or still have thier spouses. And 6 months? That’s preposterous. You’re right, Marty. Insurance companies want codes for reasons to seek help. I should ask my counselor today if he thinks this is a term that should be used. My guess is no. I don’t know who makes decisions for entries, but the parameters are too small.
  3. Kay! How terribly frightening. I agree. With the medical alert, I know I can get help if I’m conscious, but I know where you live is kind of isolated. If you had one could you get an immediate response? How far away is the closest emergency help? I have one and it’s a love/hate relationship. Glad it’s there, hate that I need it.
  4. I don’t. Know if any of you read Garfield, but I ran into a good one. Jon says 'Sometimes dreams do come true'. Garfield thinks 'you dream about stumbling aimlessly through a meaningless existence?' Could have wrote that myself. Anyone here at various times.
  5. Fortunately, my accountant is a master. that and I know nothing that could be missed like you, Kay. I am so grateful for the mail and fax. One year I had to go to her office and it was only about 25 round trip but I hated t due to the traffic in these metropolis's. Seattle blends into so many other cities. OK, so today I’m trying to figure out why I do some of the things I do. It’s a talk I’d usually have with Steve. Having the bad, very bad back, I did shopping for heavy stuff. I keep doing stuff that I know will cause me pain. I’ve watched my house slowing becoming medical again. This time for me. It’s sneaky all the stuff that was never here before. More stuff than Steve had besides pill bottles. Oxygen generator, tubing dragged around, foam on the bed for my hips and neck, a folding walker/chair I moved out of sight because I am so tired of the reminders. Even in my car there is oxygen and the ritual of turning off and on. I went to Arby's for a Reuben sandwich for tonight. I should having been simmering a slab for us. Arguing with him in jest as he would have wanted to BBQ it as Sunday was his night for that. I miss the little jokes and banter so much. I hate getting old alone. I’m angry he went first. I’m angry he went at all too soon. I’m worn out that the nightly rituals have changed from a way of life to habit. I’m angry there is no pleasure no matter what anymore. I’m angry I am not the great dog mom I was. I’m angry I feel no happiness for the good things happening to others. I’m angry I have to pretend I am as I don’t want to push away what little human contact I have. I’m angry that if I am resigned to a sandwich tonight that I’m not excited about having potato chips that I used to love. Too much change builds up again. I’m living the schedule I/we always did but empty. Things I do I thought I did for me was for us. After shower body spray. Didn’t realize how much he noticed it til he always crooned 'good smelling woman' when I came out. Again, no real point to this but to feel sorry for myself. Were he hear, you all would have beeen spared. 😪
  6. I find if I don’t say fine and they are listening they rarely know what to say. Art of me hates making them feel awkward but another part hates that social game. I also miss when I could actually meanit or say great! Now it’s hsnging in there as standard and they still sayyeah, I know what you mean but they don’t.
  7. Very thought provoking, Kay. I’m not stronger. I have to do more/everything which gives the illusion I am. I don’t feel more capable as I knew I could do this before. I just didn’t have to. More tax papers came in today. Old days, hand hem to Steve. Now, hook up fax and send to accountant. Computer probs, old days call Steve, now strap on headphones and spend hours with tech support. That’s not strength, that’s being alone. Surviving has left me in mentail and now growing physical pain. Alone. Creating a network to make sure I haven’t fallen or died. Fearful of something happening as that security of his being here is gone. Naw, that isn’t strength. It’s existence. It’s definitely not my definition of living..
  8. Ana, reading your thoughts were like reading my own in a different way as Steve and I were too old to start a family and had made that decision decades before for physical complications. But I do wince hearing about family plans as I go into my 5th year. I keep finding pieces to be broken and tears to shed, but I also feel drained after years of it. Retraining myself to not speak of the sadness much as people are worn out in it. The lack of interest, aims, projects have made life a vacuum of cold emptiness that will never be the same. I’m in some kind of backward world now. It certainly was not easy when he left, but the last 2 years have steadily gotten worse. I’m always amazed how everyone here carries their grief burden. I know you were robbed of your plans of a long life together. Others robbed of time they should have had left. Some with family, some of us totally alone. But we are like one deep down. The same sadness’s, loneliness, longing and knowing we found our perfect love. Memories or plans so special between 2 people. That person it matters what color towels you choose. Strong? Yes we are. But not in the ways people tell me mean. I was strong being his caregiver. I’m only strong now at surviving in a world that changed against my will. Strong to try and handle the changes I have to accept. I often wonder what people think I do with all the time they spend in thier relationships. I know they can’t comprehend thier partner vanished from existence. Sleeping, eating, so many things you do alone now. Now I'm rambling. This usually hits me on Saturday nights. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Ana. i never forget a post I read when I joined here by who I forget. The first line defined me. It was.....when he died he Part of me died. Just died. She’s never coming back. This I accept. I have no choice. Marty, great article you posted. Again showing there are no distinct time lines and to ignore those that feel there are. Another reason I don’t speak of it much but here and people I trust (mostly here). I’ve heard every, and I mean every suggestion a million times. Always unsolicited. I ask people to stop, but they so want to fix something they can’t and maybe it scares them.
  9. Not to worry. MG. I think it’s great you found something that works for you. No one is upset, certainly not me. I’m just addled lately. 😁
  10. Funny all our furry kids tastes. Mine will any cooked veggie, raw carrots and tomatoes, apples, bananas but NO citrus. Never knew a dog that would. I know they’d like grapes and raisins, but those are are a doggie no no. All mine liked ice cubes til about 5. Speaking of clumsy hands, Dee, I’m glad mine are food gobblers only. Drop a lot of pills some days and they sniff and walk away (after puppyhood). Glad the PB worked!
  11. Dee, my elder dog tells me too when it is time for her meds. We live on PB in this house. It’s very rare I don’t have it for lunch, with an apple which is the best combo, IMO. I’m giving up on the regular jars, they go too fast. I miss that the Sam's Club by me closed for the ginormous jars. So will have to do retail largest. Extra bonus for my kids is they get the jars when scraped out and it keeps them busy a long time trying to lick out any bit left. They’re gonna have a field day with the bigger ones!
  12. Have you tried peanut butter, Shirley? I can get anything into my furry kids with that since it adheres and dogs don’t want to give back food! Sometimes, if it is big and I don’t feel like the shove down the throat method and holding it closed til they can’t help but swallow it eliminates the shoving. Kay’s idea is good too to check with the vet. I don’t have a mortar and pestle, but I have a hammer.
  13. Oh......wayell.........you know how it is when you have restless fingers. Plus it was right after my post so I assumed it was a response. I fall back on my new excuse - quitting smoking. My brain is what Steve called in his addled last months.....a bucket of snakes. Thoughts hither and yon or totally elusive. A great example was I wanted to make my cell phone ring louder for a call I was expecting. Couldn’t find remember how. It’s not a smart phone so stuff like that is hidden in weird places. Go into T Mobile and they show me. Get back to the car and can’t remember anything past getting to settings. Trudge back in and have them walk me thru it again. At least I remember the 2nd step now and it’s gravy from there. I should change my avatar to 🤪 and add some drool.
  14. I’m not sure who you were addressing. I am going into my 5th year without Steve and an intense grief I didn’t know could return with such a vengeance. There will always be the intense sadness, but now I am having physical problems and have to face them alone. Some days I’m not sure I can continue this loneliness and stay sane. Attending to the physical maladies seems as pointless as what my life has become with no motivation without that someone that completed you for almost 40 years.
  15. Showing my age her too......think they radio but don’t know why they are called that.
  16. Anticipation is such torture. I wish there were a way things could be done when ordered. None of us here need more 'what if' time.
  17. Thank you, Dee. I would only post this here and tell my counselors. Only people I can trust. Hugs to you and a good nights sleep. 🌸
  18. I had a dream about Steve this week. He was in full health and wearing his usual apparel of boots an leather jacket like the guy in my picture. As with all things in a dream, we were doing something that was usual but something we needed was moved. He went to get it and had to step in what looked like a puddle. As soon as he did it swallowed him. I couldn’t move or shout. I knew he drowned. I woke up screaming his name. I watched him die a 2nd time and could do nothing, just like the first. Unfortunately this dream won’t go away like most, but being intense I’m not surprised. I’ve been crying since as it stirred up so many things. I’ve been under so much stress lately and really missing and needing him. Wanting him. I can just see the look an anyone’s face I told about this in the real world. That look of you still are dwelling on that? You’re not used to his absence? This is gonna take time to adjust again to quiet desperation.
  19. Welcome, Dewayne to the world none of us want to live in. I don’t know what the circumstances were of your wife’s passing, but I do know everything you have ever known changes in an instant. Sadly, it will never be the same or even close. That you have reached out seems the shock that protects us for a bit is wearing off and now those feelings can’t be masked, even behind meds. You are not the first person who tried to medicate thru mental pain. Most use alcohol. If it made the pain go away, to me it says you were taking too much. I don’t know if you have a physical condition yourself you were also trying to handle. You have 2 issues. A medical professional can help you with the meds/addiction. The grief has many options. You may not have all of them depending on your life situation. There is this place with fantastic people that know exactly what you are going thru losing a spouse, be it sudden or long term, grief counselors you can see, groups if you prefer being with people, family (if you have any) and even your doctor can help you too. There is also crisis numbers you can call if you think you may harm yourself. I know you are having a terribly hard time, but if you can, perhaps you can supply more information that anyone here has experience with could help you more? My sincerest und erstanding about losing your life partner.
  20. I’m so glad you do have your kids, Dee. I'm not saying anyone’s journey is harder than another’s, but it’s tough having no one to connect with and especially the grief. I set up a wellness check in case something happens and I can’t push my medic button or dial the phone. I’m guessing your son does nit want to think about losing you which means he’s carrying a very heavy burden about his dad. I’m glad your daughter was open to make sure your wishes are carried out. Floundering is a great word. I envision a fish flopping around on a boat deck now knowing what the heck is happening having been jerked from its world into something it never knew and panicking. Didn’t we all do that essentially? Maybe not in the initial shock but it catches up. I so rarely cry and it’s not because I don’t feel it. Today I did before I went grocery shopping because I’m so tired of it now for just me. I m so acutely aware of the conversations of others and especially kids talking to one parent about the other who isn’t there. Mommy would say, when will he be home, that’s not what she would buy, etc. Families. They buy fresh food because they cook dinners. My cart is all microwave and maybe some sandwich meat. Carrots for the dogs. Pass up new trendy things to delight Steve. I just threw out raw chicken and pork chops hiding in the freezer for years waiting for BBQ nights from freezer burn. Reminders again. Marg, I like your Roosevelt quote. I’m just so tired of having to be strong all the time.
  21. I don’t think I could have made it through Steve’s final years with hospice. We were fortunate to have a great program here that I could call 24/7. They even took over his meds and they were delivered by mail so cut out running to the pharmacy constantly for me. They were there daily the last 3 weeks when he was in the 2 facilities he needed.
  22. Another Saturday night. They’re all bad but I can’t ever get past it was our date night. I spent the day fighting tech battles he would have, getting myself in a tizzy and high anxiety. DLSavings mess things up too. I experience good, odd and bad things and had no one to tell about them as normal conversation. I tell someone here and there things I can remember. Our life social together but I miss this one night that we went out together. Can’t even fathom sitting in a restaurant now. I’ve seen people sitting alone with thier smartphones. I don’t even have anyone to contact. So I stay home and play games trying not to think about how much has been lost to me. The only plus of today is one less hour to spend awake as I set the clocks ahead already. Then to sleep that passes too quickly to another day which is just a repeat. I’ve read the advanced Sunday paper for sales and passed on many. I see the nice clothes I don’t wear anymore for nights out. Loneliness is a cruel and inhumane condition. I dragged thru volunteering to com home to such an empty existence. Something I can count on that has so changed.
  23. I hope you are right, MLG. Going into my 5th year and just having passed what would have been our 36th anniversary, the pain feels worse as I go forward. So much has changed that I had to face alone. I’ve had to become educated about things I never needed to. Try to find solutions by my judgement alone. From large to small decisions like what sounds good for dinner. I have the dogs, but they have become so dependent on me now. I love them so much, but I often feel smothered. Cancer undid us too. Took one of our dogs a couple months before him to make our last months together even harder knowing it was coming. I live sadness. It’s in every thought, breathe, interaction with the world now. I’m growing older now and miss him more than ever. I’m just another widow wandering aimlessly.
  24. I don’t know who said that to you, but they haven’t a clue. That is why I don’t like saying over 4 years now. Like it’s supposed to be so much easier or the grief over. This usually comes from people who have not lost thier partner. Now I just say he’s been gone too long. I haven’t a clue of what to do with this grief either. I can’t make it move out. It lives in me every single day. Things come up I now have to do. I really miss laughing. It dawned on me I haven’t truly laughed in a very long time. All I can do is reassure others what they feel is normal, our new normal. The normal we are stuck with we never wanted. As for the rest of it? It’s creeped into every crevice of my home and heart. Just spent hours setting up a check in system with my cousin to call every day to see I am OK as no one notice if I had an emergency. Then people that have keys if I don’t call her back in 24 hours. Just emphasizes how alone and unsafe I feel without my my other half. I will never stop wanting him back. 😪
  25. I’ve had this suggested to me numerous ties too. When you live in a place for over 30 years it accumulates so much stuff. The garage is the worst as so much gets thrown out there. Even our attempt for order out there still works in some, but basically it would be hell to sort out and dispose of things. We decided we would never move and added the garage and his music studio and new carport. I look at the interior house and wonder how I would ever choose what to keep or not. Also the same dilemma, who could help? We moved in in our late 20’s and I’m in my 60's and the group of friends that helped us move in are older too. I love our home, even with the painful memories. The thought of strangers living here kills me. It’s set up for dogs perfectly. It doesn’t even look like the place we bought. We made this ours. I will either die here or be dragged out kicking screaming if I can’t take care of it. I’ve had to hire out a lot for help, but we would have had to any way. My volunteering has shown me assisted living. An apartment wouldn’t work with the dogs. It’s a big concern as the years pass tho.
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