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Everything posted by Gwenivere

  1. Thank you Kieron and Kay. It’s the severe depression that concerns me as much as the pain. It’s actually blocking my ability to do anything but sit in it’s clutches. I had a virtual support group last night and broke down which led to a message from the facilitator concerned if I was OK. I have yet to address that as I don’t know what to say. Do I downplay it as there is nothing she can do? Have my counselor today and just feel so dead inside. I want to stop this physical pain yet I see no hope in a content life. Got so little sleep again last night. In bed over 7 hours, rest maybe 4 and that was with a glass of wine and my anxiety meds. Having high heat so that’s uncomfortable. I know I can’t get the extra blanket off the bed without severe pain. Talked to my thyroid doc yesterday and am supposed to make some changes. Have my med boxes and RX out to modify daily doses and know I’ll mess up a few times. Trapped in wanting to call the surgeon and say I’ll never make it til July/august date and then snapping back to I don’t know if I can handle committing to recovery and all the blah blah I’ve said here dozens of times. I feel stuck being this me I have morphed into. I was able to handle things as they came up since losing Steve but nothing like this stew of maladies and loneliness existed. One of the things we talked about last night was if we were isolating more. I said I was, but not by choice. There’s just no one there I can count on for anything more than maybe doing something at the time. Looking back the past couple of years it’s been that way. But I was able to do things on my own. Losing that is killing me. It hasn’t been gradual to adapt to. I still have to do some things on my own and worry if they get to be too much. Like dressing and hygiene. Just needed to unload. To top things off my neighbors chose today to do major yard work and the noise is most aggravating. That and they CAN do physical stuff. I hobbled out to throw Mel’s ball but she opted out today as she hates the noise too.
  2. Thanks Marty. It’s so much more complicated with other issues. Hence why I feel so overwhelmed. If I could have some of the others addressed while doing this it would help. Make the most out of being forced into more isolation in recovery. But that won’t happen. They have no interest in the digestion problems that make a lot of up and down emergencies that add to the frustration. I’m really not trying to complicate this, it’s just the way it is. I wish it were as ‘simple' as just a scary surgery. Then beig alone adds to that. Yes, I know I can hire people or do rehab. Guess nothing says I have to like either option. I just want to be able to do anything now without pain. Or if I find a position comfortable not know it’s a dread to have to move. Can’t even find freedom in drives. That’s more sitting and not knowing if I can get out anywhere. Sorry.....I’m just so turned inward with no one close to lean on just a little bit.
  3. It’s already 83 here. Going to get hotter. What scares me is next weekend into into the week of predicted 90’s. It’s too much to take with the pain and depression. Hopefully a buddy is coming by Thursday to set up my portable AC. I’ll have to deal with the water reservoir when it needs emptying. my back is getting past the point of living with daily and stay sane. I’m terrified. I want the pain to stop long enough I can really think about all it would take to do this and if I can handle it. Not that I can take this for much longer. I’m guessing it would take going in thru the ER as scheduling is out til late July early August. It’s so weird wanting the relief, but not all that comes with it for months and not feeling you want to be here at all. So, rhetorically, what does one do in that mindset? my thinking is all over the map. I want to get some coke slaw today for dinner but scared to try walking in the store. I just want to disappear. I don’t know why I’m even here anymore. I have a scheduled doc meeting snd virtual grief group tonight. I don’t care about either. I went out to get the mail and felt suffocated in the heat. Can’t find a thing I take any pleasure in. 😰
  4. I just wrapped up the week from hell. This next one isn’t looking much better. Heard our high temps for Monday and Tuesday will be followed next weekend with the 90’s. Scrambling to get my buddy here to set up the portable AC maybe Thursday. Zoom calls Monday thru Wednesday. Hips and back really screaming from last week and little activity over the weekend. It’s a lose/lose situation. I’m thinking of trying to hit the grocery tomorrow just to see if I can. Talked to Deb at the church when picking up a meal about being a part time caregiver snd she was very open to it. The hitch would be going to bed and the waking for a bathroom break. All stuff that can’t be known until after said surgery. Hard to make plans not knowing what to expect. Creates anger as hips and knees they can pretty much tell you and you can bank on it. When I was getting ready to go to the church I knocked over a glass of water on the coffee table dousing everything including pain meds I needed when I got home. I swear, some sick entity is having a laugh on me. I watch the news and see some real tragedies. Grief is a weird thing. You lose so much perspective when turned so inward. It’s hard watching more of created by things happening to people all over the country. I’m just so aware of the effects for the people left after the losses reported. not sure why I wrote this. Just another lonely night.
  5. I guess I’m not finding the right words or definition. I know these things all too well also. I have to accept he isn’t here in any way. But I don’t get think acceptance equals being used to it. I certainly do things differently now. The only remnants of our life are the times we ate and went to bed. Maybe it’s that I am used to it and hate it. Adding in Ally is huge too as well as my inability to do the things that kept me connected to the world. I guess my use of the words 'used to it' would mean I have found some kind of peace in it, as in relief of pain, and that has not happened. It was going that way up to about a year and a half ago when I began needing real help. When reality became even more real as far as being so alone when so vulnerable with age. Like you, losing Ally changed everything again. I don’t know how to handle my last living link to him/us. I’m confused about your sister now. I thought she needed help after the fall. That there was question if she could live alone with her dementia. I know it is a continual stressor for you and her. I don’t know what state laws are regarding safety for those with the condition and no one to monitor them if is really bad. I know some people know they have it as can manage it unless it gets weirder. I hope you find some livable solution to this.
  6. Both my mom and dad adored Steve. He knew how to charm my mom and talk guy stuff with my dad. My dad has a special place as he was my stepfather as my birth father died when I was 1. I have a sister 12 years older. He took on a ready made family and sadly he and my mom lost 2. I was 4 when they married and he was my dad for life. I felt for him as my sister was not accepting, it took me years to get she knew our father very well being 13 when he died. At least they became friends when she grew up. I miss him a lot. I used to send him The NY Times crossword as the Albuquerque paper didn’t carry it. He talked my mom into letting me get my first dog. He also came down hard on me when I disrespected my mother as a teen. He was.......dad. ❤️
  7. I don’t mean to scare or discourage anyone new to this, but I don’t agree. I’m going into 7 years and am not used to this at all. If anything it is worse. This is just me, of course. Much is aging and maladies with no partner. I don’t like depending on strangers, it intensifies the loneliness. So I struggle a lot. It’s stubbornness as I want to control when things get done. Personal care I want to stay just that, personal. Personally I know I will never get used to being alone. I may have to endure it, but it will always feel wrong unnatural. I don’t know how long I have left, but living to 59 with him and others til about 62, it will never be the kind of life I’ll ever feel OK in. I’ve never believed in heaven or hell. But if I had to define hell, this would be it. There was a St. Elsewhere episode where a character was sentenced to hell. He was surrounded by beautiful nature in a boat on a lake with fishing gear. That’s all he could do. No home, no place to go if he wanted. Alone forever. I wasn’t anywhere near that being a feeling I would come close to knowing, but it creeped me out. Now I know why.
  8. Im so sorry this has rolled around again for you. Those darned dates personal to each of us. That yours is so closely tied to a celebrated holiday is worse. I think about how Steve was always called 'dad' with the dogs. That’s how they knew him. I think about my dad and how long it’s been since I talked to him. Steve’s passing was 11 days from his birthday. Too close. I don’t know if you do anything special today or just get thru it. Whichever, I’m thinking of you. 💖 The aren’t ideal but better than just the phone to me. A phone call with a face. Definitely not 3D. I always hate when they end as it’s so abrupt and this blank screen. Snapped back to the reality of being alone. Mel always knows when they are done somehow. She comes into the kitchen with her toy all happy. They don’t make sense to her. It’s just sad to me I need them. Use them with all my docs. Only one is a buddy. I preferred when we met in person, but that was pre covid and I could walk more. We could meet now, but it’s too much for me to load up Mel and not have Ally to sit in her yard. She’s still pretty paranoid too. Wish I could call her a dear friend. I could really use one.
  9. This isn’t a situation you can plan for. It’s the biggest loss you have had and in a very sad way. You’re still in shock and have a baby to adjust to as well. What should be a joyous event is now shadowed by the unthinkable. I have no wisdom as I’ve never had a child nor much experience with suicide. I can only say that it’s a moment at a time thing. Your path. Everyone here can relate to most of it. I found that knowing I could express anything I felt here was a life saver. People on the outside think they get it, but they don’t. Not fully. I had to shut much of their chatter out for that reason. I most appreciated those who honestly told me they did not know what to say but let me be whoever I was emotionally at the time. That is true support. Here you will find support from other broken souls as we try and navigate our personal twists and turns on this path. it’s so much more than words staring back st us from a screen. This family here are real, caring and will embrace your feelings so you know what you experience is normal. You’ll get to hate that word, but it is essential to know everything is normal and valid if we feel it. I’m glad you have a counselor and hope they understand grief. My heart goes out to you.
  10. This has been the hardest to deal with since day one. I’ve heard it called skin hunger. After 6 years, I still miss his touch. There have been no hugs that compare. I take any I can get tho. Covid really did mess that up. I can now hug someone again. But I’m still craving the one I can’t have. I feel very sad reading that your marriage was not as fulfilling as it should have been. Losing your best friend and being with him at the same time is unimaginable. I feel very fortunate that we weathered some very difficult times and we’re able to put them in the past giving us 20 fabulous last years together in the 40 we spent. The beginning was great too, but like most, the middle is a test state then knowing the darker side of people, including ourselves. I am glad to hear you know he loved you. It’s amazing when we can let go of anger and see them as they really are. I still get angry he left me, but I know that was not in his control. But low times bring that up. It’s more anger at the universe for being so cruel to a wonderful, giving man. He still had so much to give. I often feel nature picked the wrong person in our team. We talked about it many times and decided whoever got left behind would be miserable. His friends told me his driving force was our life together. We just never factor this part of life in when we are swept up in the joy of finding our person in all of the world.
  11. Thanks everyone. After having talked again to the surgeon it was depressing. They had told me before if Steve (or a close friend could stay here or be available) I would have to go to rehab anyway. Yesterday he said no, I could go right home from the hospital after a few days. Skip that dreaded rehab facility. That sent me spiraling about how I have no one. My cousin says she’d come up from NM, but she is 5 years older, has so many maladies that I’d be worried she’d need medical help herself. He asked me twice if there was someone, like my answer was going to change? When you have no one, asking again doesn’t create one. On top of this is my feeling sick everyday requiring lots of bathroom runs. Lack of good sleep leaving me less than stellar in thinking during the day. I’m just so lost about what to do. I have counseling today, but it’s the same old frustrations. A bit worse now as thins are worse. Talking to her won’t fix anything. It just kills an hour of the horridly long day. Oh great! She just called and is switching computers and wants to reschedule to later this evening. Excuse me but I have to do this..... WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON??? Every frigging day there has been a problem! I don’t even know if this session will be productive as I am so pissed off. I asked about doing this tomorrow but she said she’d have to try and adjust another engagement leaving me not knowing til who knows when. I don’t like hanging out there and waiting. I’m tired of others not respecting my time and needs. We agreed on 7 tonight. Taking deep breaths and trying to remain a competent adult here. I’m just baffled if you knew you had a commitment, why do a computer change that day? Why not another day when no one is depending on you? She said it was a snag for the Zoom app not anticipated and I believe her. I’m just prone to anger these days. Like I am lowest on the totem pole in my needs. I’m fed up and going for a drive in hopes I can get my food for the weekend. I just called and said pod let’s try for tomorrow. The session would have too much resentment today.
  12. I really am tired, no pun intended, of this fatigue thing. I have so many influencing factors. Can’t do much about any of them. I want my thyroid normal, but the meds are tough. I want the pain to stop but the surgery is daunting. I’ve been forced into that role. It’s awful. It’s because there are no people involved in my daily activities. Can’t just summon them up. Didn’t have many, but all disappeared. I have hit and miss connections at best. Not a soul would know if something happened to me for days. Ever then it would take time before the few I know would notice. It’s the loneliest feeling I’ve ever had. That really messed up a bad situation for me. At least pre covid I had more interactions and the pain was less. Not having those caused more inactivity which now has become a huge problem. I wish I had been one that likes taking walks, but I don’t alone. I tried shopping as there is only so many times ya need to go. Plus covid made that a pain too. I just got the mail snd the walk back killed me with breathing and racing heart. All calmed down in a minute by sitting. I mostly feel worthless. I have a dog and 2 birds dependent on me to stay alive. I never thought that it would feel more a burden than a joy. I’ve gone to paper plates and mostly disposable cutlery. Occasional real stuff now and then. Until I can find some motivation, I’ll then schedule the DW repair. Or I’ll schedule it in hopes I’m still able to be here as it’s getting tougher every day. I miss having that matter.
  13. This was a day I don’t want to repeat. I got my teeth cleaned, but it was hard physically as well as mentally as the place is closing. I asked my now former dentist what right did he feel he had to live the rest of his life enjoyably in retirement and make us all miserable without him? Kidding of course. I’ll never see any of those people again. It’s been decades we’ve gone to him. I then proceeded to do too much. Returning some chew bones for Mel as she was eating them and hit a big grocery store that could have definitely waited. I wasn’t used to being out so early and didn’t want to come home as there is nothing to do here until later. I wound up feeling sick in the store from not eating a decent lunch and pushing my limits. I’m sure my blood sugar was off from lack of food. I was craving protein. When I got home I had a hard time unloading things and putting them away. Now I’m concerned about tomorrow as I only have a medical Zoom meeting, but need to take a shower for timing for upcoming days activities. Had to move today’s counseling to Friday. The whole week is messed up. This kind of stuff stresses me out as routine is my only sense of control. I did find out my tax refund is coming after a 40 minute wait for a rep. Thank gawd for that little positivity. The part for my dishwasher arrived snd now I’m in no hurry to schedule an appointment. I need to get back on track. we are going to have record heat a few days next week so that will be awful. I can’t easily escape it by hanging out in stores and my portable AC isn’t set up. I can’t believe what an old lady I am becoming from this pain. I can’t even get decent sleep so I’m in la la land most of the day. I was thinking how I used to write code for phone systems when I worked. Now I get stumped on video games. Try reading magazines and have to really focus. Well, I can still babble. At least that’s consistent. There was so much talk yesterday about losing our loved ones. I’m still feeling that. A bad side effect of being worn down. Really want Steve snd Ally. 😓
  14. That would be hard to do with her in and out mental state, wouldn’t it? I totally agree with you, tho. None of this should be falling on you except what you choose that you can handle. I thought others having keys was not a good idea? I’m just so sorry you are caught up in this. Hiring someone would be ideal. Probably not hard to find someone, but Peggy would have to agree. Do you think she would and bigger yet, is she considered competent? Hugs, Kay. 💖
  15. What a horrible thing for your daughter, Karen. My heart goes out to you. I cannot even know what it must feel like carrying the weight of that memory and loss. Temps are minuscule after hearing about that. Having lived in Phoenix, I know you have to have AC. That’s where I lived at night. It was a matter of survival when it cooled off to 104.
  16. Wow. That is so intense, Dee. She must have been connected to your daughter and not want to leave her with that feeling of death in her arms. Some amazing things happen and that is certainly one. I don’t know if Steve was aware of my presence, but I am glad I was not there to witness his leaving. To have to live with it is more than enough heartache. 💔
  17. This week is a tough one. Too many things for this feeble brain and body. Had another night of drifting in pain off the last hour at least. It’s frustrating because even if I got to bed earlier, the extra hour would just add to it. Have to call the dentist and tell them it’s iffy I can stand a cleaning tomorrow. Also it’s earlier than I am used to so don’t know if I’ll be over bathroom runs and they have no nitrous. If they say try, I have to reschedule my counseling to Friday. Housekeeper coming today which is off schedule and have to isolate in my office for a meeting and that chair hurts. Thursday talk to the back doc and I know how that will go. Have to get another shower in somewhere. Saw the forecast snd we are going to get close to 90 come Monday. Guaranteed I will feel sick thru that and however long it lasts. I’ve said it dozens of times, but I’m fed up and feel I am done. I really wish I could go to sleep and just stay there. Had my virtual grief support group last night. That was hard physically to sit thru after moving around all day and a short trek out to Melody’s vitamins. Also a shower. The topic was how our hearts feel and what lives in them now. Always a mix. Some have started dating, others were drowning in pain and one couldn’t even talk as she was so overcome in emotion. All I could think of to say is my heart was full of anger and pain from the good I had and lost and what it is now is empty and constantly reminded of the things I can’t share anymore being that unique love with another. Some have young children to keep them going. It’s an odd mix because I feel like the only one with no one. Friends or family. There is one guy who is in a similar situation, but when I reached out to him, he declined wanting to talk privately. That kinda stung, but I also understand not having the energy as he is facing all kinds of problems like me and is worn out. There was a lot of talk of how hard it is not to be able to speak to our partner that we took for granted. How we said ‘I love you' everyday and don’t have that anymore. A couple of us said they love their partner more now which makes it even harder to navigate this. It was those that had firmer support systems that seemed to be faring better. So, it’s always a gamble how I will feel after these meetings. In 2 weeks we are going to share our persons life over 2 groups because there are 10 of us. Don’t know how I feel about doing that. It requires making a presentation basically. Can use pictures or writings. Not sure I want to do that and not sure I want to listen to long, and there are some long winded people there, tales of people I don’t know. What I mean is, I really preferred our old groups where we could openly talk all together with no preselected topic. I don’t have to do it. I just feel I got more out of interaction in the now. I didn’t need another dilemma. I have to make a call to the IRS because I haven’t received my refund. I know this will be easy snd fun. Yah, right. I need it too. Why can’t things just go right? All this technology and I’m still doing more to get things straightened out. My dishwasher part is supposedly here to schedule an appointment. I haven’t gotten the part. So a call to Sears eventually. I just want to scream!
  18. What I witnessed with Steve had me feeling the same way. He was so restless and always taking his clothes off for days. Unaware of where he was. I don’t understand why they didn’t knock him out so he wouldn’t keep falling off the bed. I think they would have in hospice, but where i moved him they couldn’t do IV's. He couldn’t swallow anything either. He was in some weird world by himself and just visiting those images breaks my heart. He loved getting high. It would have been so much humane to have him feel relaxed and drifting, comfortable.
  19. Wow, this Wanita is a busy body. She doesn’t have any right to interfere or have access to family info. That you have to tell the facilities that is odd. Is she pretending to be family? That’s certainly breaking the law all the way around. Like you need more work to report the facilities.
  20. I’m in the same predicament regarding Xanax too, Marg. Have to see a shrink for mine. Not one single doc will touch the stuff. I’m so missing the doc I had for decades that retired and a new one that said let’s not fix what isn’t broken move to another city. Saved me having to add this guy. Now it’s like a 4 letter word. Poor Dee got shot down for asking about it. Yet, they will give you some risky sleeping pills I wouldn’t dare take for side effects. This looking at the patient as an individual is getting lost in this drug sweep painting everyone the same. You can be monitored for use by how much they give. At least give people that option. I’ve never exceeded what I was prescribed. Seems to me you have to be dying to get what you need. Steve could have anything he wanted. They even offered him stuff he didn’t because he didn’t want to be overly drugged. Hardly the picture of an abuser. I get pushed on antidepressants too. Really annoys me. I understand that they won’t 'cure' it, but will (supposedly) help you feel better able to handle the factors fueling it. But side effects matter to me. Like it being physically dangerous for you, I find them mentally dangerous as pushing me over the edge. I don’t know the answer for how to deal with my deep depression. I’m just sick of so few options that I can find. Feeling sick and being in pain all the time is not helping this either. It’s situation that in fantasy I’d love to not have to take any pills. While some are helping, they are also creating problems often. We have to learn to live with them. There are some fantastic meds out there that have given people their lives back. Thank gawd for that. While barbaric now, chemo has saved people. it’s so complicated as we age. I miss the days my only pills were occasional aspirin and birth control. Other pills were for dental pain but fun too. Getting a script for Percocet was like gold! Of course, the need was no fun. as caring as my docs can be, it has the feel of business with the changes.
  21. If only we could stop mailings of everything that we gave no interest in. So much of my mail keeps our city recycling going. 🙂 I have much better luck in email from companies. I unsubscribe and it usually works. The PO has an app that shows you what’s in your mail every day. Some days it’s pushing myself to go get it as it all junk. Or there will be one they say they can’t identify. I tried to get off financial investment updates, but my money guy says the only other option is email and I really don’t want to clutter my mail with that. Easy to delete, I just hate my once personal mail is already getting enough business stuff with medical, banking and such. Just got a piece to both Steve and I. Have to call them and try and get removed. A charity we dropped years ago. Some waste so much money on these mailings. If he/I haven’t donated in years, it’s a pretty good bet we aren’t now.
  22. Can’t the state step in for the legal stuff? I don’t see why you should have to incur any costs. I could be wrong, but they could do the work of getting her wishes and enforcing them. I can’t see how a family could be forced to pay for an attorney. There are so many, at least in Washington, services for this kind of situation. Social services. They are involved with many of the residents where I volunteered because the family didn’t exist or couldn’t be of help. That would free you to do the little things you want and not take on the big decisions. They could get her mentally evaluated too. Just some thoughts that sprung to mind. They could also bar your other sister from interfering too. Especially regarding privacy.
  23. I think of all the times I have been given new meds or had them changed in dosage or time taken and be told there is no way they could cause side effects I encounter. Really? Who’s taking the pill and who isn’t? I’ve gotten ‘I’ve never heard of that reaction' like it means it can’t exist. Don’t know many now, but I miss the docs I’ve had that would say....let’s just stop that then. Maybe try something else or let me look at other possible options. Sometimes we’d find something and others it was living without to avoid the cure being worse than the malady. Thyroid meds I have no choice on. Have to take them to live. At least my endocrinologist listens snd makes adjustments ever so slightly so I can adapt. It’s still hell tho.
  24. We are 'opened up' in Washington, but there are still restrictions. The grocery stores have taken down their requirements. Guess other retailers have too. I have no intention of not wearing a mask in any store for a long time. Only saw one woman once and boy, did she get the evil eye! Strides have been made, but like you, I don’t think enough to where I’m trusting and the variants are out there as well as we were not subjected to the usual winter maladies to keep our immune systems on full function. Hardly any colds or flu. It’s just too risky. I hear talk of next winter being bad for this reason. Weird we did too good on this but may be more vunerable to other things we shouldn’t be.
  25. I don’t know how you are doing it, Dee. Just thinking about what you said above makes me want to cry. It’s inevitable down the road. Heck, I should have help now or massive surgery to really enjoy our home as I did for the first few years after he left. I’ll never forget him begging me not to send him away when his thinking got too dangerous for him to stay here. That will haunt me til I die. How I will handle it is something I try and avoid but it’s right there every day. I think you are very strong. I’m so glad you have help in this, another life altering change. 💖
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