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Everything posted by Gwenivere

  1. The shutdown. It’s the sickest game he’s played. If it didn’t endanger so many people’s lives, no one not getting paid should go to work. It’s starting tho. TSA, coast guard, wild forest firefighters......
  2. Does sliding over sand down hills count as sledding? Best we could do in New Mexico. We tried to brake for lizards. 😁
  3. Had a hard time thinking of a topic. I’d been sick for days and made my 3rd trip to the ER last Tuesday night. They finally admitted me for pneumonia. I became so weak rapidly. I can’t believe how frightened/frustrated I am. I have not wanted to go on without Steve, but if something were going to happen, I hoped it would be at home and quickly. I have someone looking after my furry kids, but I miss them so much as they are all I have. The sights, sounds, stuff they do here stirs up so many horrid memories of when Steve was here. Staff is great, but I’m so alone. I trapped and at their mercy. Extra hard being a smoker as the replacements don’t provide the soothing ritual. Only a smoker would understand that part. I talked to a chaplain here because I was losing it. Have to have a scope done Friday which means being sedated. I hate that. I’m loopy enough from lack of sleep. I have a new appreciation for my lonely life.....at home. Half empty and quiet as it is. Miss being in our nest. Miss my kids bugging me or seeing them sleep contently because we were all together til the next ritual thing. They have amazing internal clocks. There’s an empty chair in the room he should be sitting in as I did when he was the patient. How I miss his crazy personality which would be soothing for me and joking with the staff as he always did. He was loud, boisterous and sometimes embarrassing, but he was all mine. I never underestimate the ways the universe will keep reminding me of the most precious gift I ever had and taken away.
  4. I wish I could react to your post, Kay, a thousand times.
  5. I don’t know what I am going to do. I volunteered today and it’s just getting too hard. I keep trying to do things I did, but the oxygen is always a factor plus the pain. Too many maladies to know where to start, if I do. It’s one of those times I have to let all this sink in and see if I just want things to run thier course or fight for more time alone. That would mean trying to find something to fill so many hours that for 25 years I had covered for myself. Having Steve here just made things right all around for over 30 years. Never was at a loss of something to do. I can call and have social workers come visit. Hard to think about a good life and turning to strangers. Can’t jump in the car without making sure all med equipment is working. I much preferred my love leash with him. Thanks for the support.
  6. Saw my lung doc Tuesday. Not good news. Seems my disease is progressing and options are infusions that would lower my immune system to ease the inflammation. They also have steroids in them. She also feels the hypothyroidism is a big culprit and increasing those meds will be hard too on the anxiety. There’s also that back surgery hanging over me. I told my counselor yesterday that it seems like a gun to my head, but my odds gone if the trigger is pulled, all the chambers are filled. I had a feeling about the lungs, but the doc added the blasting cap. She talked about palliative and hospice care. I suppose I’m already a candidate for assisted living when I think about it. I reminded her she is dealing with someone with no will or motivation for getting stabilized. I’m guessing that’s the most I could hope for. Or slowed down a bit. All this in the last 2 years. For the other 2 without Steve I could at least breathe and walk normally. Made all the difference. Would now too if I had a reason - him. I’m so compromised in my thinking in this alone. Knowing I would still be alone if I did these grandiose things. I miss my guardrail. How he stood between me and falling of the road. I resent having done that for him and now when I need it, he’s gone. I don’t resent him, I resent how cruel life can be. For everyone that faces adversity and is empty inside. My counselor is starting a new thing, writing down each week something she grateful for, beyond food and shelter. I look back over the last month and find nothing. Just memories that tear me apart.
  7. Thanks you guys. I am not effectively conveying myself these days from the nic withdrawl and breathing loss. Or both or hypothyroidism or stenosis or grief or the deep dark of winter up here or.......gawd knows. I tried volunteering yesterday and it was so hard I’m worried about having to quit. That would mean most days 24/7 alone. Not being an alone person, this concerns quit a bit. I’m disheartened that quitting smoker has me feeling worse. Got a message from a woman on that support group who got asthma stopping, many have. So you do these 'good' things and feel worse? It’s no wonder some people stay in their addictions. The lesser of 2 evils? I don’t know except I thoroughly confused and angry. Yet, drained of any energy for solutions. That’s why I want to sleep. This stuff isn’t happening in la la Land.
  8. I’m Marg, my post was all over the place and I think you got the wrong idea. I’m the one who feels they have nothing to offer and dying of loneliness inside. The body isn’t helping hindering me with non stop pain. All I can say is does anyone get how pathetic it can make you fee l to have to call somewhere to find a companion? A stranger instead of someone that has known you forever and you don’t have to provide history notes, plus they were never part of it? maybe there are no words for it. I’m sitting here another day wondering why I’m even here. I tried my volunteering yesterday and couldn’t effectively do it. I just opened up the yard and did poop patrol and can hardly breathe or walk. I want something in my life that doesn’t change for the worse or disappear. I could do major back surgery in hopes it would stop the the pain. Months of recovery alone. I see my pulmonologist Tuesday to find out, I hope, if there is any way I will improve or have moved to a worse stage of my disease. My mind is so scrambled I spent half an hour yesterday thinking my portable oxygen wasn’t working because I was using the wrong tubing. I took a shower hoping I wouldn’t fall and make it to get back on oxygen. sorry for the pity party again. I just don’t know how long I can keep doing this. I want to sleep and escape.
  9. I am so glad the holidays are over. This was my 5th without Steve. They keep feeling worse. I accept he is gone. I read about others feeling time helping them feel a little less pain. It makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me. There are so many other forces in play too. My health is the worst ever. My social life is medical. Can’t volunteer. Alone all the time. I’m still watching the world from the outside. I hate every waking moment. I care about nothing. I feel like I am losing my mind. I told my therapist maybe it’s time to turn the sessions to learning to try and find some contentment in my situation rather than looking for ways to increase social interaction. It’s just not happening and you can’t make it happen. I can’t muster the energy to try senior citizen centers and can’t do other volunteering that is physical. I look in my heart. and it’s empty. For the first time in my life, I know no active love. I’m so tired of hearing people around me plans and zest for life. I’m just taking up space that I can barely take care of. It’s another Saturday night and I miss him so much. Aches, pains and all, he would love me back.
  10. That’s where we differ, Tom. Yes, I was very glad I could help Steve thru 4 tough years. But my mind does go to the pre 2009 diagnosis days when life was more laughter and togetherness we never thought would end. I’m glad I took care of him but wish now I could erase those memories for good.
  11. I was wondering who else will be spending thanksgiving alone. I’m taking harder this year. Maybe it is because it is my 5th (the 1st year I have no memory of what I did as it was so close to his passing on October 29th), the fact my body has so drastically changed I can hardly do anything without pain, nicotine withdrawal, surrounded by tales of other people’s plans or the most obvious....my reason for living gone, emphasized again. I truly wonder if I will ever adapt to this emptiness in my heart. The day to day hassles are something I expect now. But inside, when I am alone in the night, the echoes of love are always out of reach. I can see, hear and smell him, but I cannot touch him. I can talk to him all I want and there will never be a reply. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and said....you are all I have to talk to now. I’m not a writer, I can’t write fulfilling scripts nor deliver his part adequately. For those of you with family or friends, I know it isn’t the same either. But there is a lot to be said for human contact on days that are more significant. People wouldn’t gather if there wasn’t. I never fully appreciated how there was no thought of the special days because it was always there. Being together was all it took. To try and treat a holiday as just another day is impossible for me. I’m already thinking of the years it’s been he always warned me while washing the knives, the candles and linen napkins instead of extra MacDonalds ones. Mostly curling up at nights end saying how we made a great team and pulled off an even better one than last time.
  12. Gwenivere

    Solitary Grief

    I have a magnet on my fridge that says.....a house is not a home without a dog. I couldn’t agree more. New members of the family always make me forget the work it is. I’ll never have another puppy and that’s something I never thought of. Just can’t do it physically. Older dogs take time to integrate. Stuff that was so easy way back when and together with our partner. I miss saying 'where’s your dad?' And have them scamper off to find him. I miss being called 'mom' and them looking for me. Basically, I miss being a family, another year comes. I was eating lunch looking out the window as always and realized I see nothing out there anymore. I was trying to replace a ceiling fan bulb before dinner. The bulb broke off and fell on the floor. Had to use pliers to get the base out.. Stepping back I knocked over the dogs large water bowl. Clean up took forever between water and glass. Another dad job he would have taken over and not had a disaster. Spent the afternoon getting my iPad tuned up of problems. If this is ANY indication of 2019.....lets just say I’d like to get stinking drunk right now. At least I’d have a good reason for feeling like crap in the morning. Sorry, Cookie, didn’t mean to derail your thread about your new baby. What is his name and how old is he? Looks adorable in the picture. So do my heathens. 🐩
  13. Thanks, Dee. None of them wanted to leave. That’s the part that sparks my inner rage at having another decade or more. I know peopledie ofall ages. But I can only live in mine and feel robbed as it was supposed to be retirement for Steve. One he richly deserved. He made the most out of the 4 years battling cancer, all the while knowing he had to hurry. Just wasnt right.
  14. Gin, Guess we never know about other marriages. Could be they aren’t that bound and it does annoy her or he might be too demanding. We’ll never know. What we DO know is what we had and lost which crippled our worlds. There are a few things Steve did that truly annoying, but I signed on for the whole package like he with me. It wasn’t perfection, but is was/is true love. 💕
  15. Gwenivere

    Solitary Grief

    I felt the same when I got another dog after Steve left. Triggers abound and you’d think this would be a thrill. But I’m so glad you have some companionship. He’s a beautiful boy! And yes, pups are a LOT of work! Feeling the big blues too on a holiday eve. Not that we did much on this one, just emphasizes being alone.
  16. I wish I could have the faith of a reunion. That eats at me every day. But I do relate to knowing he was the onesince I met him. Wasnt supposed to last, night and I haven’t the energy or desire to try the social thing. Time has a whole different meaning now.
  17. Seems a lot of us are getting sick. Another joy of winter. I was.a guest of the ER again Friday. We all talk a lot about seeing (or not) our beloveds when our time comes. Being sick and my mind addled by it has me thinking of that. What if the vows are right.....til death do us part? I don’t feel Steve ever, never have. No way of knowing if he has moved on or just ceased to exist in any way. It’s so lonely without him already. Do I face darkness, or another plane that does not have him? This is all rhetorical, of course. It’s been so hard thru another bout with the holidays and now sick, watching my older dog age too, I've lost all motivation to keep plodding forward day after day. I’m beginning to like the nights because one isn’t expected to be productive and busy. It’s OK to sit around and take up space, which is mostly what I do. Chores don’t fulfill me, they just have to be done or surrender to squalor. I’m so tired of my major thought being.......where did the sense of purpose go that made life normal to be replaced with such indescribable emptiness? How did it come.to this? I’m just a hunched over woman beyond her years waiting to leave. Thank gawd there is this place to 'talk'. With no social life it’s like torture pretending anything matters. I’ve been engaging more small talk with strangers. Anything for contact. My phone is always out in the afternoon, I call it my fake social life as calls are always fires to try and put out. Mostly medical or banking or something Ike that. My answering machine gets lots of hangups, med reminders, robo or call backs on the fires. So rare a hi, thinking of you, stuff people do everyday and take for granted. Just like I did.
  18. My gawd, Kevin! You all must be built differently up there. That’s soooooo far out of my comfort zone. I get hot and cold in my own house! 🌂🧦🧣
  19. Glad you got out to see your family, Kay. Had dinner with my dogs. I don’t do big cooking with just me and the dogs, but it was better than bread and butter. Premade turkey and cranberry sandwich. They say growing old isn’t for sissies. Maybe I’m just a sissie and didn’t know it?
  20. Hasn’t happened here yet. Having a terrible time today missing Steve and dealing with health problems. Nowhere to go, nothing to do, neighborhood emptier than usual. What little contact Ive had with people on the outside are their plans and family time. If I could get rid of the physical maladies I’d feel stronger about handling the grief. Right now it is consuming me. I got a package from my dear cousin, but it was pretty much all medical stuff to help. Her intentions are good, but I would have preferred something fun or silly. My only other package was from my oxygen company with supplies. A long way from days of yore when we had actual gifts. Even those got put aside for me in the glow of togetherness. Steve was playing with his techie stuff as boys do. Fun watching him and see his excitement. I think of all the things I saw I would have bought him. Such emptiness here now. My biggie call today will be the on call doc because of labored breathing when I do anything but sit. I keep getting outsiders advice to go out and be around people. Where, I think? I can be among strangers anytime. These are those times you long for someone that knows you, a really close friend. And you can’t just go out and make one. A woman may invite me over for a bit, but it’s always a schedule, just for an hour and she really doesn’t get where I am and asks me why I don’t do this or that. The kicker is I’m so frigging desperate I put up with it. What does that say about self esteem?
  21. My dog is doing well, Kay, thanks for asking. Aging of course, but a squirrel arrives and age disappears for a bit. How’s Arlen (and I hope I spelled that right)? Busy times for you, Kevin. Warmth first! 🙂
  22. I don’t us those words either. Not now. What I hope for is less pain for us all. To love what death can touch made me cry. It’s so true. I don’t know how I will get thru today and tomorrow. I’d like to make it like any other day like always, but I can’t. I. Wish I could be like my dogs as they don’t care about the trimmings. Just routine and contentment. I'm glad some of you have people in your lives, even if you can’t be with them right now. Without Steve and his connections and my losing my ability to go the places I did, it’s am imposed solitude I’m not sure how one adjusts to. We never had kids so there is no one that I mean anything to besides an aquaintance. What few friends I had are all gone except little passing hi's now and then. And I had to go to them. I don’t know what it’s like to have company for dinner or chats anymore. It’s not healthy for the mind or body. It’s my mothers birthday today and I am full of thoughts of her and how when I got older would make sure she had a day that wasn’t shared totally with Christmas. i know Mitch and Tammy were married today. Hope he is holding up. Alone Is alone is alone. Oh yeah, I got a UPS delivery. Supplies for my oxygen condenser. How touching.
  23. Thank you, Dee. I’m glad you have your granddaughter for a little innocent joy. The weather does make it more bleak. As does the darkness. A few more days of this craziness and back to regular insanity. I have my one string of lights around the bookcases and the light is nice. First year ever I didn’t put up anything we used. Bought sandwiches for 2 nights and may thaw some leftover pizza for Xmas. Sounds pathetic, but I can’t force something I don’t feel, as you pointed out. Santa doesn’t have the powers to bring me what I really want. 😓 thinking of all of you too. I was talking to my counselor about all the 'have a great day/nights' we here from cashiers or people on the phone. We modified it it to have a day/night. Works better for me.
  24. This is a good catch all topic. I spent my 4th ER trip yesterday for lack of breath, headaches and just worn out. They were dry busy so I was there 6 hours. Threw off my whole night and I was more stressed out than I realized. There was a very hostile patient yelling profanities at the staff. I’m so tired of all these expeiences and being alone. Talk about repetitive. I tried draping some lights on the mantle but didn’t like it. Moved them to around the TV area and can tolerate them. I can’t wait til Christmas is over and I never thought I could feel that way. The last thing I needed was more to make this intolerable. This is physical, but I know a lot is also being solo in a holiday meant to celebrate togetherness and family. Both things I lost.
  25. Ana, I feel the same. I’m just an empty vessel now. I care about nothing. In the meantime my body is breaking down from the stress of it and conditions I could address but don’t really care. Everyday I’m so disappointed I woke up. I’m so sick of listening to others who are alive. This is bad because I am isolating and that itself worsens.the grief. But I can’t pretend anymore how deeply this has affected me. I know if I were 20, 30,, even 40 years younger I would feel the same.. this was the person for me and me alone. I watch all the people in thier holiday frenzies under a dark cloud of our memories. You are right, we had what we see happening around us that was ripped away and are bleeding from it. Will I ever get used to him being gone? Nope. Will someone ever fill that void? Nope. I, too, have had to accept the reality. Will I survive it? Unknown. It’s a form of torture unlike anything I could have imagined. I saw it in movies, but hat wasn’t real. And it wasn’t us. Not one single thing of joy in our home anymore.