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Gwenivere

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  1. Having a very tough time today. Last day here and can’t break free from the anxiety. I hate this. My discharge will come from the nurse tomorrow with a small supply of the meds they have been getting me (the anxiety ones) and I plan to ask why I don’t get them all as they were ordered for me specifically and insurance is paying for them. I can hardly focus today. Don’t know if PT is coming by, but logic says they have close out their file. I got the ridiculous suggestion of buying a new living room chair or a recliner which you have to try when I can barely move around beyond this room. Plus you need more time than a couple minutes to know if comfortable at my age. That flexibility has been gone for years. Definitely compromised now. The surgeons office finally called today around 4:30. Talked to a different PA who was very nice. She said they wouldn’t be releasing me if they didn’t feel I could handle it. Plus they make money off me. That it was totally natural to be afraid as my world is all changed now. (Where have I heard that before?). She’s hoping I will feel better mentally in my own space as I’ve adapted to this altered life for weeks. She really emphasized how intense this surgery was and I was heading to becoming paralyzed. While I’m over the hump of peak pain, I have a lonnnnnng way to go. (She mentioned next summer, hope that means as full a recovery for my situation) She offered me an appointment next week, but I’m going to wait til the 14th if possible. I also got a call from home health care so will have to deal with them. Ugh. I may be lonely, but this is the wrong kind of people overload. I hate panic disorder, this blow of nature handed me, another test if life is worth living and robbing me of the love of life who I need so desperately right now. Who I want so much to take me home and feel safe again. I haven’t in years. I really don’t now. I keep being told to be positive. How do you do that when you feel like you already lost? Just really hoping I’m not gripped with panic in the morning. I’m sitting here tonight envisioning the worst. Anticipation is the worst. Just wanna curl up and disappear.
  2. Can tell things are winding down here. OT came by for the last time. PT didn’t show at all. Did my very mini version by walking the hall which is limited without oxygen. Didn’t sit in the chair for half an hour as it hurts. Got my shower but it was especially tough. We have a rain front moving in and Tuesday is supposed to be the worst which figures. I’m still overwhelmed thinking of all to start doing at home. I got a B12 shot that always revs up my anxiety, but not annoying like getting it at this time. I didn’t need extra stimulation. I was talking to my neighbor here and she told me of her med history. (Obviously the big topic in these places). Can’t walk because her B12 flatlined, has dialysis 3 times a week, blew out a replaced knee, has to be redone as well as the other, hopes to walk again. I thought about my plight and wondered if I’m feeling too sorry for myself. Every step of it her son has been there. There was the difference. Not a day goes by she can’t call him. She said she was in another rehab she hated and he had her out in 24 hours. She talked about positivity and I see where she finds it. I was falling into the comparison trap again. I think of all the things I did at home that i have no experience with since this change. The docs want me to keep moving and I’m going to have to see how that works in a confined house. Just praying for a refuge spot. There has to be one or I will go crazy from pain. I’m not looking for pity, just validation my situation IS as valid as everyone else’s. Everyone here’s situation is their reality and challenging to them. I’ve seen the crippling times and when someone does something I admire for their strength.
  3. My gawd, Kay! Huskies are known to be aggressive and protective. Not a breed I’d choose if I had children and lots of visitors. Im sorry to hear your DIL didn’t find this serious enough to give up dinner. You shouldn’t have been alone In this. Sounds like red flags about the dog. Definitely not a situation for a ‘surprise' for you. New dog, no history of behavior with strangers and little with the family. IMO, sounds like the whole thing was mishandled. As a kid I did kid and dog sitting. I knew what to expect. How are you going to handle being at home with these injuries? I know it’s family, but I hope they help you with the costs for care. I’m so glad you were able to protect Kodie. Now it’s getting you fixed. The whole situation blows my mind. What were they thinking? Sorry, I’m blurting my thoughts. I care about you and this makes me angry.
  4. Steve wasn’t a blip, but I’ve read enough here of people that experienced that. I don’t know if either is in any way less devastating, don’t see how it could be. Is the shock from a quick loss even comparable to spending time watching your hourglass running out? It got to a point that we couldn’t ignore it anymore. But at the moment, either way it is a blip and they are gone and we all wind up here. For me, I’m grateful I didn’t witness it. He wasn’t aware. Had he been, that would be different. I don’t have that image to carry with the weight of this grief. I saw enough of it as he slipped away from me slowly over months. He would not have wanted me to bear anymore as he knew I was dying with him. I’ve found myself less attached to tangible things as time goes by. It’s the memories that I cling to like gold. There was a time that tangibles really affected me. That you had to decide, pack them and now have a new home for them will probably add more closeness to them. I’m glad you have family to pass them along to. Some of Steve’s music stuff may still find a home. His guitar he left me has to go to our buddy from the band. I’m giving my jewelry to my cousin just to keep it in the family, but it won’t have that much significance to her never having met Steve. It’s weird I really have no one to love my artwork to. Maybe D as we have grown closer. I can only imagine how hard this is. It’s final now and it is going to catch up. You had such a hard time over the last year getting this all in place and hitting those unexpected speed bumps driving out of the neighborhood and onslaught of memories. What I meant to put here was. 💖😓
  5. Wasn’t Boli a member here? Can’t find the name in the database.
  6. Cannot imagine getting up at that hour. Your clock is all over the place. Do you think it’s all the commitments and recent stress? I’m trying to sleep with pain because of stress. I know you’ll survive, if anythIng, you seem to excel. Either that or the kids will cure your insomnia. I wish I never had to go to the doctor ever again. Didn’t need them at all. It’s been about 5/6 years since I lost my doc of decades and he was the only one I never dreaded. I almost enjoyed it because he took whatever time was needed to cover everything. Never left feeling we missed anything. Wouldn’t happen now. Max you can get is 30 minutes. We’d often spend 90 minutes. Never could happen now. It’s a fight to get 20 minutes in less than weeks.
  7. Thanks Kay. I didn’t make any phone calls today. Started my day with an anxiety attack. They gave me a lidocaine patch that I think is the cause of a headache I’ve had all day. I got restless before PT got here so did some significant walking in and asked to do a lap to hopefully help my muscles. Could conflict with the new pain. I’m reaching a point of so many weeks of pain and lack of sleep, I’m not even sure who I am anymore. Everything is becoming a blur. I talked to a very caring med assistant today and she tried her best to reinforce I will handle this at home. So tired of hearing this when I can’t be on my feet long without wanting escape from the never ending pain. I’m realistic enough to know this is going to be a huge challenge. Can’t call the surgeon today because they are closed. I asked for help days ago and was blown off, like I don’t matter. I’ve noticed the fear and depression are taking over as the only emotions I feel now. The clock is ticking down to the supreme challenge.
  8. If there is one thing I am learning from my recovery adventure, it’s saying no to things that are being shifted to me that I can’t control or frustrate me because the doctors or whoever want more info and they are perfectly capable to have their staff do the legwork. My mind is overflowing with how I am going to adjust to being home to do added tasks I’m not needed for. I don’t know why you keep getting tapped for help beyond you are a very giving and caring person. But we have to come first. You have a full plate as it is. Take care of you first and foremost and see what you have left in your choices. I’m proud of you for drawing lines. That takes more strength than people realize.
  9. I miss making plans. Together. This 'just today' has gotten old for me too at 7 years. I have to do that with my surgery but there’s supposed to be a payoff eventually. Not with grief. Not the kind of payoff we want and that is we get them back.
  10. Wisdom tells me to wait til I talk with the surgeon. I’m in so much pain as it is I can’t see getting down the stairs to my car or how I would get in without help. I do truly wish Steve were here obviously. The usual minor things are going to be so challenging to adapt to. Yes I can order food to be delivered. Gets expensive tho and D said she will pickup stuff. PT came by and was trying to figure out how I can sleep here without so much pain til I can try my own bed. It took laying on my back with 6 pillows for my head and 2 under my knees. I couldn’t hardly get up for that early morning bathroom break, much less get back in like I was. I’m pinning a lot of hope on my home bed as it’s an actual mattress. I appreciate their trying to help my remaining time here, but sometimes it’s not very feasible. I also reminded PT they don’t know how long it can be waiting for an aide to help. That will cost me sleep time and pain too. I took a quick walk in the hall alone. Couldn’t go far without oxygen. Frustrating. My.levels drop so fast and enough that I forget I used to be able to go shopping or would often forget to turn my car tank back on. This whole experience is pushing me to limits, some I’m not sure I can achieve. I’m not.as strong as they keep telling me. Just got a message from my PCP after telling him my insurance needs him to say I need home help. He asked if the facility could do it. I shot back.....this is what I was told and for him to coordinate with whatever parties involved. I need what little energy I have to deal with recovery. I can see scheduling when I need someone, but I’m not going to do more legwork. I’m sick of it. I got the info from my insurance so do it! crawling off to another night in paradise.
  11. That’s the rip of being adults now. Kids get much more intervention. My old doc jumped on things he foresaw as problems for his young patients. As adults, we have decades of habits snd usually self defined coping skills that could be better. Neither of our conditions were well know for decades. I look at many of the treatments they tried that were utter failures. I do all I can to educate people snd the med community as it’s still swept aside as a 'nervous personality' that it is a physical condition too. They should know this by now. Not enough do. Even depression which is recognized can be used to blow off some serious problems. Medicine wants things.black and white and we know it doesn’t work that way.
  12. I can’t fast forward thru ads on TV in rehab. So now I’m up on all of them. At home I just stop for cute ones. I can’t pause anything here either. It’s the way we used to have to watch TV before we got spoiled. 🙂 Our wills are set to donate everything. I did add my cousin in from my half. Steve’s goes to prostate cancer research and mine to the HSUS and Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine to stop animal testing. just got my hospital bill. As expected, a couple grand. Will be the same when I leave here. It may be time for a change when enrollment comes up. I just am so worn out that the research (even with help of the state) seems too much. The irony is paying so much to get into more pain. Hard to fork over money when I feel so bad. It’s getting worse and I don’t know why. Billy was stronger than I could ever have been. Now that I’m older and have a 7 year old, I think about her getting exercise, but she’s really content, having lived with me being older but she had Ally for years to pester, being a laid back lady. I could never give her away and it’s fear I have right now as I prepare to go home. I’m hoping she’ll be motivation to try and live with this pain with no help easily accessible.
  13. Oh yes, that is a great commercial. How beautiful your Maddie was. Looks like a lot of St. Bernard. I wish that treatment worked for us all! 🐕 There’s a new Rottweiler mix pup here that belongs to a staff member. About 6 months old and so.......puppyish. All legs and curiously.
  14. I looked up misophonia. I now have a better understanding of why you are so drawn to music as that was said to be a good treatment. The articles said this was more serious than the usual nails on a chalkboard. That people can be sensitive to noise laden environments. I know you miss your FIL. Another connection to Annette. I drove around and saw all the changes since Steve left. Adds to his absence. Hard witnessing the things we would have griped about together. Really haven’t seen anything we’d be happy about. We were used to a simpler time. Less massive shopping and more mom and pop places in the neighborhood. Kinda like Cheers....where everybody knows your name.
  15. Great news about Kelli, Marg. I hope the other tests go well and no chemo! I'll be doing the frozen meals too, soon. Handy, but usually not very filling. Not that I care much about food. That is one of things I’ll miss about rehab, room service. if I knew then what I know now I never would have started antidepressants. I’ve tried unsuccessfully to get of mine. Something I could discuss with my shrink, but he’s a fan, wants me to take more. Can’t afford to upset him or I’ll lose my Xanax. I got suicidal on one of them. Fortunately never hurt Steve. We just had cold weather too and getting warmer later in the week. Fall is in the air tho. Heard it was official the other day.. what dog food commercials do you cry at? I can’t take the ASPCA 2 minute ones of hurting animals. Love the Subaru golden retriever ones. The puppy in the car seat always makes me smile.
  16. Thank you, Kay. My pain has increased greatly over the last 2 days. They told me to listen to my body and it’s speaking up loudly today. Don’t want to do anything but felt I should., so did a lap for my muscles. OT was here. PT said maybe giving that up for my remainder here as I’ve identified the hard tasks and talked to my friend about solutions. We talked and agreed there wasn’t much more we could do here. I’m still going to have them stop by just in case. My biggest hope is I can sit around my house. For TV, dinners and I need to start counseling again with one therapist. Although this bed here isn’t to best, it sure is handy for dressing and best pain relief before sleep. The psychological side is going to be as hard as the pain. There’s enough activity here to save me from the not leaving all day. Won’t be the case at home. I’ll have the pain to prevent me from doing something stupid like attempt to drive. I just don’t know how to handle ‘witching hours'. Mine is about 4 to 6pm. I’d like to hear if anyone has certain times of day they know are going to be tough and how they handle it if they get stuck. One day is bad enough, but I’m looking at week to months! One trip to the surgeon on the books. Will be back for the yucky time. It amazes me how many weeks I’ve been away from home, yet how a day seems to last forever. I did something I shouldn’t have, read some sites about failed surgery. I’m just so frustrated this feels worse. I don’t even know what they actually did. So many say I should be feeling better at almost 6 weeks, yet others say 3-6 months. There is also a failed syndrome with this. I hope PT is right that I’m getting a lot of stuff at one time instead of spread out. But it’s created a fear of having to get up. I should not have done that, tho I knew it before. I really pinned my hopes on this. At least before surgery, i could bend.
  17. I don’t know how you manage all the curves you get thrown,Kay. I spent the morning here trying to find out where a package was. My downspouts are pretty much all shot. Making the rotting gutters and roof high collection areas and expensive to be serviced. Poor maintenance by people I thought knew what they were doing. Another outside project never in my job description. on the plus side I got a woman 'rescued' from the courtyard who got her wheelchair stuck. It was late in the day so hardly any staff traffic. Called the front desk and they had 2 people out there fast. She looked very scared and so relieved.
  18. I go home on the 28th, a week from today. Last night was one of the worst nights sleep. PT had me walk a long distance with a typical walker like I’ll have at home, unlike the one they were using. It was much harder and my spine, surrounding muscles and legs are saying it was too much. I’ll not be walking the distance we did. It was an evaluation and I intend to complain about it. Thank gawd I’m not leaving Thursday. This set me back. I know each surgery is unique. What concerns me is this being spinal, I know I haven’t done everything perfectly plus there are situations I can’t avoid bending, I hope I haven’t done any damage. I don’t know if the doc will be able to tell in October. This is a notoriously long recovery one. Not to minimize others like knees, there is no way to not use your back. The fact I am limited on pain meds and have been since day one has never gotten me ahead of the pain which helps recovery. So I fight 2 beasts thru this. I get very annoyed with therapy and their suggestions I know won’t work in my house. I’m sorry I drone on and on about this. It’s a realty I never wanted. I wish I had Steve to go home to. It wouldn’t be so overwhelming and I’d have someone there 24/7. He could do the little things that are huge now. Ease into daily tasks I have to do head on. When I leave here, I don’t know what I’ll do all day. There won’t be people in and out for connection like here. Every now and then. Do I sit and watch TV all day? That is so not me. Watch the hours crawl by like a prisoner, when even they get yard and meal breaks. This whole experience has turned me into drag. I miss the old depressed me. Looking for things to do instead of dreading them. I’ve never felt so unproductive and useless. 😓
  19. I need to get independent from a hospital bed. It would be comfy, but not getting me closer to (hopefully) finding the outcome of the surgery. I’m glad I get a few more days. I know what I want to work on. The only drawback is this 'bed' here. I really wish they had mattresses. Or thicker mats. I know they use them for ease of cleanup with incontinence problems which are common. I hope the changes at home will be temporary. That was the goal of doing this. Getting some freedom back. Thanks for your encouragement. 💖
  20. Had to catch up on a couple of days. Sure was quiet while I was gone. 😉 Just got news I get to stay til a week from tomorrow so I can work on some things I’ll need not to be so dependent on the walker for. Like opening cans for Mel. This won’t help my sleep on this mat, but I hope it pays off. That I’m not prolonging the pain from it. I checked with Mel's sitters and we thought her coming home Thursday would be good if I do OK on my own overnight and days a couple of days. Called the surgeons office. Nurse said my questions were new to her! Said she’d have a med assistant call me and rehab here. No telling when. Called my insurance and contacted my PCP for home help. I thought I’d have help with this. It’s hard to be the one in need trying to organize all this when I’m worn out. sorry for the slam of messages. I’m scared and worried. Each person I talk to has ideas. Obvious they’ve never faced this and their experience is hearsay. I’m pretty OCD about my house so moving things around annoys me. Steve’s stuff was pretty confined to his room and his bathroom. My whole house is going to change. One suggestion was to rent a hospital bed for the living room. They have all kind of ideas of how to spend money not realizing it doesn’t grow on trees. Need all your good vibes this extension will help going home be a bit better. Love to all! ❤️
  21. It’s Sunday and no WiFi til tomorrow. The staff are having computer issues too, but no one is responding to calls to come into fix it. Really annoys me as my insurance is paying a lot (and me now in copay mode) to be here. Found out last night a lot of my games didn’t run like they should. Had the most painful nights sleep since I was I the hospital. PT is coming today and I told her we need to talk about how bad this has become again since that home trek. I’ve been up today and I have to get thru a shower and getting dressed. Sitting in bed doesn’t help much. Toilet overflowed. Didn’t think I’d get out of there without slipping. Will have to see how I feel tomorrow as I can’t envision being able to do much on my own, much less with Mel, at the pain level I am in. I packed some things to take home, but if I let go of the walker, my back and legs are far too stressed. I’ve figured out how I should do some things at home, but all in all, I’m not sure I can pull this off with occasional home care. It’s my big question for this place after a long weekend of the pain being worse. Sleep is a major concern as my bed is so high to get in and out of and it means mid sleep trips to the bathroom. It’s been 5 weeks and 6 is considered the marker for basic bone stability. Staying here isn’t appealing, but I feel safer. My discharge on Thursday is only 5 weeks.
  22. Saturday, the 17th.... Having to write this offline. This facility's WiFi is down. It was a day of frustration as always. Don’t know what my new neighbor is in for, but she has this great attitude. Wonder what that feels like? Found I was being billed for virus protection iPads don’t need so cancelled that. Being cut off from the forum is a strange feeling. PT didn’t come by today at all and I had lots of questions as this going home on my own looms 5 days away. The night and day alone til Mel comes home has me torn. I’m very unhappy with my level of progress. Can I provide for us both? So much to do to get the house going. I know what will bother me is the going back to the medical state which was my first thing to rip out when Steve died. Every bit of it. Now I bring home my own. I hate this being cut off. I’ve complained twice. 'At least you have TV' was one response. I’m watching Bridesmaids for the 3rd time. Guess I’ll play some video games. This is when I usually post, check out stuff I heard about on the web, get lost in links and sometimes learn something as long as I stay away spinal sites. 😳
  23. That is where I am. Gritting my teeth when it comes up. It’s hard when I get asked and people feel they MUST offer opinions instead of saying ‘you’ll figure something out'. my slippers aren’t suited for outside either, but I won’t be doing that for awhile. My fear of falling is really intense now after the surgery. If I did it would do so much damage I don’t know what they’d do. I do have a medic pendant. I have a lot of questions for PT today about being alone most of the time alone at home. The pain has ramped up to old levels since that home assessment and all the paces they put me thru quickly. The drive in the car aggravated things to. I can’t even sit in bed comfortably like I did. Sleep is shot again. Getting dressed today was agony as was anything standing. They say DONT BEND all the time, but it’s unavoidable many times. Brushing my teeth, getting clothes out and on, treks to the bathroom. I’m going to need D’s help unpacking at home. I have this fear I’ve messed up some of the healing already. Frustrating to be told to keep moving but paying for it and they aggravated it. I can only hope I can handle Mel when she gets there. I’m overwhelmed. More so than I was. Much is it’s getting real. Also that they consider me fit to handle it. I’ll have no choice. Just afraid I’ll do damage. Have NO idea how I’ll handle my bed. Also the toilet being in the bathroom for the mid night wake up. anxiety is hard to control. Haven’t even seen the PT woman so have no idea what is going on. I killed time this morning getting rid of useless virus protection on the iPad and trying to find out my minute balance on my phone. I need to load a upgrade for security, but Apple said at home was better as the WiFi here could be too slow and take hours! I’d like to pack up some stuff, but probably not a wise move. Guess I’ll try some. The pain is the pain. Hope to cry on my cousins ear tonight. She’s been thru hell and gets it.
  24. Things are going nuts in the US with different states requiring different mandates. What I feel makes common sense (like what you have) isn’t in place everywhere. They are starting to clamp down on health care workers at least. Being in a rehab myself, I’m glad the protocols are in place. Not that I will be going anywhere anytime soon,I have no problem having to show proof. I don’t want to be a danger to or have others be a danger to me. This just keeps dragging out by those that keep waiting. we finally had rain yesterday. It was nice. Was supposed to today, but it sunny. I liked the change after an extra hot summer. I’ll be sick of it in a couple months as we won’t have dry weather we can count on til about May of next year. A lot of concessions to live in this gorgeous place. Every winter I miss Albuquerque (of old, too big city now). Cold, but sunny and balanced days. No sundown by 4pm like it does here by December. When you sleep til about noon, it makes for a very short day.
  25. Me too, Dee! I’ve been checking the net and I am falling into the long term recovery group. I think I haven’t been as careful as I should have. Maybe getting in my own real bed will help. Sitting up all day will be interesting. Yes, I have a lot of apprehension. No one to call if needed quickly. I have to use a ‘gate belt' to pull my legs up into my bed as it’s so tall. Won’t have Mel til the next night. Will give me a little time to see how I do. I did learn to stay off the net for now, it’s scary! This is classic, Dee. Glad you found out before you got home. I’ve been limping by on my old prescription. I know how frustrating it is to trek back. Yup, this getting old and the maintenance gets more intense. Whoever coined 'golden years' should be severely punished! The only gold I ever see is if I pass a Candy Crush level on my first try. 😎
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