Gwenivere

I am here.  Going thru pain patch withdrawal and very messed up.  Writing this is tremendously hard.  Thank you for caring.  Dee and I are not getting along either, worst ever.

I’m Was a dark night here so opted  to play a , here.  I fell last night and did the ER tod at.  Didn’t fracture anything.  Onl good news.  

This sleep walking is getting out of control.  It’s been happening with Eee for about 4 nights now.  She’s  going ballistic insisting it’s 6:35 in the morning, not in in the evening.  A friend came and took her to the  ER.  I don’t know if they will admit her.  I don’t think t(ey can iff if she doesn’t say she i.  She knows better than to say that.  I thin. I can’t believe this is all happening.  
 

Supposed to have a shower and counseling today.  Can’t watch watch any DVD's with this screwed up DVR  remote regarding sound.  Have to do everything at the TV.  II have a new appreciation of remotes’.  I did kcall Direct TV again to verify a remote can create such havoc.  IIf it’s't that, the DVR itself I I'll mso much recorded over the years.  They can’t move programs from one m.machine,. To m another. Force me into an internet,’ model witch means a new TV.  That doen't guarantee all I have is streamable..  

,.Well this typing is getting  all screwy here as usual.  Probably not making sense today.  Sorry about that. 💕 to all.

I have to go to  bed.  Too much Bee.  I'm thinking too grief and maybe . Demen5ia💕

I wrote my pain clinic  about how bad this this is getting.  I tried sleeping on my good side and and that backfired.  I have to call the dentist and ask to be seen my eye assessed.  Set up more appointments.  'M losing more balance as time goes by.

Better get to  That sleep thing first.  💕

Found out I didn’t get billed by the other contractor.  AC is in and working so well we’ve turned it off.  I have a remote which makes everything sooooo easy 

Found out Dee has been taking her nerve pain med early in the evening as well as at bedtime.  That much always makes her all weird.  She didn’t lash night and is doing better.  I still don’t trust anything but this was a much better day.  Watched A  Man called Otto with Tom Hanks last night where he was a widower and did an excellent job.

Shower was tough.  New week, new pain patch.  B12  shot too.  Need to drop more oxycodone.  What little bit I'm on is more than I should be.  
 

💕 to Al.

I can’t think of anything I'd travel that far in a trip unless it was included in a vacation.  I got antsy sitting in a doctors office!  That’s dedication, Kay!

Today is such an empty day.  So much depressing reality.  I've tried calling a company I considered for the AC install that I paid to use but didn’t.  Every time I get connected with agent to get my money back, voice was so gabled we couldn’t communicate.  I just called Apple to fix my keyboard and thought they did, but it  reverted back.  I hate chasing crazy problems.  I’m also angry about money I may have lost. 
 

Dee is becoming impossible to live with. No news there but it’s getting worse.  
 

Hope to get thru a shower today and stay relatively sane.  Exhaustion and stress stole so much sleep.  I did ge5 my iPad fixed and now have AC!  Have to get sed ito it coming on and off.  Find the right temperature  and redo curtains around the window.  💕 to alll.  

Steve wasn’t a perfectionist, but he knew I liked things in place.  They didn’t have to precise.  I appreciated he cared.  Dee does too.  The only thing I don’t do now is make my side of the bed because of the rain of getting in and out.  
 

Counseling was a let down again yesterday.  We decided to focus on one topic next week which is put off til Saturday.  11 days.  Dee talks t her doctor today so we’ll have more info on what to expect coming up for her.  Seeing her in so much pain is taking a toll.  On us both.  

Have to talk to my doctor this week too.  Always assisted living.  Off to sleep. The fake stuff I get.  💕 to all.

Marg, so sorry about your car.  Best let the insurance companies duke it out.  Get a car right away so you aren't stranded.  I haven't been in a wreck, either, since my 20’s.  What a pain.  I rode my bike as I don't think I had the rental car part.  I am the most happy you seem OK.  Heck of a place for a bruise!  
 

I couldn't live with a male in ca roommate situation.  Did that for a bit when I left home and didn't care for it.  Most guys are messy and you can't run around freel as you can with women.  Had to cover up all the time.  Laundry was complicated.  Other women around.  Marriage was freer from those situations.  
 

First week peaking on higher  dos pain patch.  Been feeling sick all night since.  dinner.  Movie Time was a fiasco with an extreme depression movie about altshiemers.  Not enough time to start another one.  
 

Counseling today.  💕 to all.
 

I don’t know how to explain our relationship.  Especially since the software has messes up what what I type.  There is noo misspelling when I post it. It perfect sense.  The next day it’s all jumbled.  
 

One more time.  She’s written the us bot letters not to drink that day for us and to get her liver treatments.  She wants to be with me.  That is what  LI want.  We love each other.  Can’t turn that off.  But, yes, it can turn to resentment. Trying to prevent that.  
 

Also trying to adapt to the stronger pain patch as I feel the side effects more towards the doctors that created the addiction.  I get the work to undo it.  This could have been done over a year ago if they would have done it right.  
 

Had a decent nights  dinner from CC center.  Kielbasa and cabbage  for my Polish side.. Grateful dark chocolate is good for you.  TV time so so.  Should e hearing from a dentist soon.  No nitrous tho.  Love that stuff.  Morning and night all.  💕🌞

16 hours ago, Margm said:

As described by Gwen, Dee certainly has a problem that causes Gwen more problems.  The thing is, as a family member, you miss them when they take themselves away from the family, but the stress can cause so much damage when it is spread around so viciously.   

Thank you for all your thoughts, email and concern.    It has been a very tought week.  Happened again last night and now she, her self, is talking about leaving.  I certainly don’t think want to be In nights like that anymore. I now face how much I love and depend on the sober her.  The great nights we’ve had.  How much more powerful this addiction is than me.  The way my life is changing is that *my heart and my head and my head face another crisis out of my control. 
 

We were on the brink yesterday.  She did a lot of thinking non it and came back to me with a promiisory letter to not drink anymore.  She’s never done   that, ever for ever..  One for me and one to carry for her.  This is still a one day at a time thing.

 I also started my stronger pair patches.  Feel weird.  More later.  Thank you all for making me feel I matter.❤️

AC contractor came ut and everything is set up for installation next Friday provided the unit arrives in time Wednesday.  
 

Dee melts down every night when. It gets dark, sober or not.  I’m going insane with it. Sleep is taking a toll.  The housekeeper comes today.  Extra half hour on them today.  I've got to decide on the pain patch strength for Saturday.  Shower day.  
 

Off to all the fun.  Can have a few hours on unconscious void for a bit.  💕
 

I thought about the sterile thing, Kay.  I'll just have to do the best I can.  I don"t even know if it will hold.eating again.  Fortunately they slip right on. Not a skill I wanted to hone.  

Your post was very interesting, Marg.  I s e  a bit of PTSin Dee.  Also a lot of borderline  personality too.  It’s like a whole different way they see the world.  It’s not realistic. There is a lot of anger, most misdirected.  We become targets.  
 

Contractor coming today o scope out AC.  Have to pay for that even if I don’t use .him.  INot a good selling start. 
 

💕 to all.

I know when I lived in Phoenix ow dangerous heat stroke was.  I took jobs at night to stay out of the sun. But even during the night it was very hot.  Ate a lot of popsicles on smoke breaks.  Having a sports car, it always over heated during the day.

 I wanted to pay for a battery. Dee needed but she turned me down.  Now she says she never did anD I didn’t.  I offer.  I had about her heater and she  turned that down too.  It’s much more complicated to but I haven’t the energy to spell it out.  It also involves my shrink and Nina.  How SHE remembers things that were said, not what actually was.  Just how she did. Another bad nigh5.  They just keep getting worse.  She says she’s sober.  If that is true, this is going to end soon.  ‘Everyone' says she should be getting paid since we aren’t a couple.  That’s one person she has identified.  Her father and her sister she doesn’t talk to about this.  Now I'm cheap for not buying her car’s battery.  I offered months ago that and her heating.  But she says she doesn’t ask for money.???

 I don’t know how to find a caregiver for my hours, guess I better start looking.  
 

Gotta do that sleep thing.  Have counseling this afternoons.  I'll see what I can find out for the tooth ting.  Thanks Karan.💕

• JI don’t want a live in caregiver.  Been having horrible night sleeps.  Having to get up twice a morning now.  Got a letter today that my insurance might stop coverage with UW which all my  doctors and hospital in my neighborhood are.  The pain clinic i s with them.  It’s the largest provider in the area.  This is nuts!  All the other places are at least 10 miles, low estimate, away.  Some are in other cities and you have to take public transport downtown.  No cars allowed unless you have parking provided by your employer in a building.

Dee is all upset because my shrink said something about her.  The guy isn’t worth getting upset about.  I hated talking to him but *lad it’s over.  He wasn’t exactly showering me with caring sentiments.  Talked to  my insurance about an almost 2 year old claim from an ambulance  they screwed up.  Got the info if they bill me again.  They left out a zip code and &filled it past the deadline.  They have to do it again r they want another shot.  My insurance said ignore this bill.  So that is what I will do.  I’m too busy doing my own stuff.  Talk to the pain clinic today.  
 

Worst of the heat days today.  Dee turned on his fan over my bed.  Feels good.  I don’t  usually like air blowing on.me.  Getting desperate.  Dinner is going to be a cold sandwich and Fritos.  Always chocolate.  A buddy played pickle ball in this heat and walked her dogs.  I consider that crazy.  They have some kind of furnace that heats and cools.  That’s where I',d  be staying.  
 

When I sat down for a light dinner, I lost 2 crowns on lower front teeth. Had them for over 50 years.  Was supposed .to get a bridge put in decades ago.  Don’t know what I'm going to do now.  Being home bound is bad enough but add in more complications.  I don’t know how to get them at least glued back on.  Another day in paradise.  

Have a move out for tonight.  The Zodiac Killer.  Very long so only half. Have to have time for my Sinner series.  💕 to all.

Many hugs to you, Karen.  🌺.  
 

Turns out Dee was drinking Saturday night.  I should have known.  I am accepting this crazy life as I have no other choice right now.  Not if I want to stay in my house.  I don’t know how I'd find someone to be here all the times I need them.  I know I belong in assisted living.  Surrender all control.  The problem there is I have no one to prescribe my anxiety medication.   Eventually what I have stashed will run out.  They are right up there with opioids to get.  They are the only thing keeping me sane work for so many people, yet you can’t get them.

Talk to my shrink this afternoon.  My most dreaded call.  
 

I spent an hour trying to find an insurance claim.  Found it once and couldn’t again.  Said I didn’t owe anything on a  2,00 dollar bill.  Gotta do that now.

💕 to al.  

Sunday is church take out dinner.  We never do cooking.  Just microwave if needed.    Dee says she wants to cook but never has.  We don’t eat at the same times anyway.  Hard to get to the pots and pans.  Would have to use the DW and I don’t think she wants to.  Hasn’t been any cooking done in years.

,pGot a bll today for a medical transport but can’t find the date and everything is closed.  I know my insurance doesn’t usually pay for that, but it seems it should be covered from hospital to rehab.  I get frustrated on weekends about this kinda stuff.

Was very nauseous this morning. Never had that before.  H ad my shower that thru off the rest of the afternoon.  Heat wave has started with a bang.  Not even going to watch the weather.  Seen this for days.  
 

Tried talking to Dee about this alter ego in the evening.  That did not go well.  Got cussed out, more painful interaction an blamed for things I didn’t even know happened.  She thinks her grief is somehow worse than anyone here or in the rest of the world.  I’m sick of it.  She’s right where se should be at 2 months.  She can’t even see that from when she lost Maria.  So I yelled last night.  Now she doesn’t remember I reached out to hold her.  How convenient.  
 

💕 to you all.

I plan on taking to her about that today.  I will let you know.  Just did and she agreed to tell me, but still said I should have known. So, basically my fault.  
 

It's up to me about the patch strength and giving up the oxycodone or not.  I feel abandoned on that.  I keep thinking I will feel worse if I do.  Stay in this horrible place if I don’t could be worse if I do.  How does one choose?  Dee didn’t get the CC lunches so I don’t know what to do about dinner the next 2 nights.  
 

The high temperatures are moving in faster.  Dee's getting the portable unit out .Friday night.  I’m hoping it keeps it livable in here without the doors shut.  It was supposed to be 3 days, now it’s all week plus humidity coming in.  Makes it added hell.  I didn’t know how the housekeeper will handle it.  I should have had this done last winter.  Don’t think about that when you’re freezing.  
 

Going to try and watch another movie tonight.  Turns out Dee found the movie the othe night boring and I wasn’t that thrilled with it.  All that being snide to me for…?  .Watching Seven about the deadly sins.  I know that’s a good one.  
 

Shower, heat and pain today.   Way too long a week coming.   Feeling way too sick after eating.  Start the week with my cold shrink.  Someone coming to look at the AC job.  I just want to curl up and disappear.  💕

I wish I did., Kay  Sitting here I can’t decide what to do come Saturday.  I just read to us the higher patch I must have no oxycodone anymore. Even the one half pill I take when I get up.  All I know is since starting these things haven’t felt right.  So I don’t know how to make a decision going forward.  I’m going to have to call the clinic.  I just ate lunch and feel horrible.  I know the rest of the day will be this way.  Supposedly I'm not withdrawing from oxy anymore.  I'm taking so little.  That leaves my reaction to the picture  itself.  I have today to decide for the next week.  Talk to an actual doctor Tuesday.  Sounds easy to stick with what I've been doing, but a week is a long time.  
 

Managed to piss  Dee off at movie time.  Didn’t pause the movie  when times that angers her too. She could have easily told me she didn’t feel well and wasn’t up for it.  We made it to 11, she even gave me a gorgeous plant at dinner.  
 

Hope I hear from the clinic today.  Hope I can get through a shower tomorrow.  Having close to 90's Saturday thru Tuesday.  Makes me sick just thinking about it.  Don’t do well in that.  No AC!!!

 💕

Well, I',m all mess ed up about these patches.  I didn’t go up from 10 to 15 mcg. and don’t know what to do come Saturday.  I talk to the doctor next Tuesday.  I’m almost ready try the higher dose, but prefer to  do it Saturday when I shower so I don’t have to coverr it and don’t have to deal with the outside world.  I'm definitely not feeling increased pain relief as  I’ve dropped more o xylophone but not upped the patch amount. I left them a message yesterday as this needs to happen Saturday.  Have heard nothing yet.  If a higher dose patch makes me feel l worse than that will mean I can’t use it.  I was reminded I'm not on oxycodone to be in this bad of withdrawal.  
 

Got news a.dear friend is facing big time surgery.  Not the surgery she was hoping for and making her life miserable for years.  I so get wanting help and being blown off course by something else.  Much ❤️ to her.

Had my third counseling session yesterday.  Learned Susan is married and lost a son years ago.  That makes me feel closer to her.  
 

Off to that sleep thing and a new day to fight thru.  

My appointment today was with the pain clinic regarding the patch and opiate withdrawal.  I’m in the thick of it right now.  Supposed to drop another dose today.  That means at movie time o rwhen I got up.  They' 'say' I shouldn’t notice it, but I don’t trust that.  I’ve been in withdrawal for weeks.  I don’t know if it will affect my sleep even more.  I talk to an actual doctor next week an could wait until then.  Either way I feel very bad and surreal.  I took a half of a half at movie time and will see how I sleep.  If I do OK, I’ll try it again.  Then I can drop it.  
 

Dee is getting so hard to live with.  Have lots to figure out.

Talk to Nice this afternoon.  Talked to pulmonologist and I’m supposed to increase  oxygen during the d. Ay and put it back o usual at night.  
 

💕 to all.

Don’t have much to say.  Having the discussion with the pharmacist this morning.  I’m spending days seeing how more ben5 over I am getting.  Have a pad of paper with lots of info from my vantage on it already.  I know this will be very complicated.  I know they will write out everything, but I may have Dee stay to make sure I don’t leave anything out.  Risk her getting upset with me in her weird way.  Will have a lot to say later.  Wish me luck.  Really need it today!  💕

 Another day in paradise, as they say.  Woke from too deep sleep less than an hour before the alarm.  Writing this Saturday.  My usual Sunday Zoom call moved to Monday.  Mail brought a huge bill for x-rays denied by insurance done last August I'lll have to check on.next week.  They are for my back shortly after I got out of rehab for the back surgery.  I don’t recall a bill but see I paid one.  Numbers don’t match and I haven’t gotten another bill.  
 

I'm concerned about a scab I have just under one eye..  It’s been there for weeks.  From all i''m reading it sounds like a cyst that won’t go away because  the scab keeps pulling off making another.  I doubt my doctor would prescribe anything without seeing it in person creating a big problem.  
 

Dee is all into this coronation of Charles.  Totally bores me.  Never seen the interest in it. All the same names from history.  How about a Micheal or  Sarah?  :=)

We are going to watch Deya Vu tonight.  Another time twist one. So Collateral  tonight.  I need a break from that.  

Tough night after  shower and the meds.  Took some of the ones that are supposed to help but make me dizzy.  Yesterday I slept almost till like alarm.  Not good.  Will see what today brings.  Getting harder to breathe.  Ee is worse.  Whining is worse.  Talk to pharmacist tomorrow.  For what that’s worth.  💕

Love.and warmth to you today, Karen.  So hard these days that were once just dates passing by. We wake every day to the emptiness as it is.  I never know what to say but thinking of you.  

Woke up yesterday and thought I was n the rental house we had before buying this one.  I always took showers at night but was laying in bed thinking maybe I'd get up and take one.  It was a cool feeling.  Life just being life.  Then I realized life was so much different now.  I hate when that happens because the short time it does isn’t worth how intensely it hurts.

House got cleaned.  It’s nice but I wish I could do it myself.  Opted to wait on changing the linens til next time as  there was so much to do.  Last time my regular one didn’t do very well so next time I get an extra half hour on them.  Like this substitute and may request a switch.  Hope I can get thru my shower so I have it, then change patch without all that taping over.  Being Cinco de Mayo the CC Center meal is tacos that look good.  We're starting a 3 hour movie tonight we’ll have to split over 2 nights.  It’s about silent movie stars switching to talkies.  Should be interesting.  Called Babylon.  Take that back, we bailed…..too weird.  
 

We have  warm weather coming this week.  Actual spring sunny days.  Being locked up, I prefer grey and drizzly.  Housekeeper does too and he’s young!  Sun was fun when I could play in it.  I’m just a cfanky ol' lady.  💕

Lost today’s post again,  This editor usually backs it up.  
 

Had my 2nd session with new counselor.  Hard now as we don’t know each other much.  We have a lot in common.  Not the history of going thru crisis.  What I am I'm going thru now is a good test of this.  The only way I understand how Jinny and I got so close.  
 

Dee is really being difficult right now.  No matter what I do annoy her.  I’m always being difficult.  She tells me to tell her if she is repeating* something  she’s already told her and  I do L'm being  mean and hurtful.  So I stopped talking last night as much as possible. She'll go around saying how bad I am.  
 

Lots of time to ponder this today.  Plus a filler housekeeper.  Better get. To that great sleep that cost me over an hours loss yesterday.💕