Gwenivere

Well, I plan to have a little chat with her about that. To her credit she did say I always find my way thru the phases and she feels I will again. We are such raw nerves in this that often we take something said the wrong way. I find that out all the time. Sometimes being around me is poking at a bear in a very bad mood. Not a good idea at all! Plus she said this in email and that is always a way for meanings to get altered. But until I do talk to her....stay back. Grrrrrr.

Joy? Don't know what that is anymore either. Calm and not in unrest is as close as I can come right now. Happy is a reach beyond happy I got the dogs fed, happy it is time to go to bed, happy I made it thru bring around people. But as a general state of being? That left with Steve and I don't know how it if it will come back. My counselor says I am stuck because all I want is Steve. Damn right I am stuck! It happens in some phases. This is one of them since I hit that dream feeling of if he was ever here. I'd like him back to prove he was. Then I'd keep him because I am selfish that way. :-)

Mitch, why not just add those words to the topic? They all fit. Sadly, they all suck too.

I miss kissing. Like many others, our sex life was taken away by so many things. I didn't miss that as much as a kiss tho. The thing that takes your breath away. I've heart that 'women if the night' draw the line there as they find that more intimate. At least the disease couldn't take that away.

It is so hard facing these things alone, Gin. I was used to being the support person, but not the one in need of it with medical stuff. Sometimes I get angry now that I am in need he is not here. But he would be there if he could. I also get overwhelmed in hospitals because they are so big and busy and I feel so insignificant amid all the people needing attention. I much prefer seeing a doc privately. I also understand not being motivated about our health because of not thrilled about going on in this lonely life. I have had docs say....time to take care of you so you can live a healthy life. I want to say.....why? So I am alone even longer? I hope you do OK getting your tests. I hate bring poked and prodded at, even if it is non invasive and painless. After seeing all Steve went thru, I am burned out on anything medical. Just want to be left alone.

Terri, ramble anytime. You save me a lot of typing.

Karen, there are so many places I cannot or want to go to anymore. It's sad to see ones world shrink because of memories and being alone. Can't ever escape the couples still 'living the dream'. Never really noticed them before because I was part of one and in that little world too. It's hard to be home away from them too. Everything is off. I'm so tired of living this day after day.

Joyce, the same thing has been happening to me. I just talked to my counselor about it yesterday. I don't know what is causing it beyond I feel him slipping away from as time passes. Lots of pictures, much of hi stuff around, but it feels unreal he was here. My counselor said this was a sign of moving forward into the true reality they are gone and never coming back. We'll never lose them in our hearts and minds, but our lives are changing. I don't like this phase. I'm not ready to not feel him. Seems I don't get say in that tho. I don't hear his voice in my head as often. I talk to him less because there is no answer. All I feel is the tremendous emptiness. As much pain as it caused, I preferred feeling the pain of his absence to this weird wondering if what we had even happened at all. It's like the loneliness is harder to make sense of. I don't want any of this grief at all, but I had no idea if could become even more surreal. I feel more alone and questioning why I even bother going on. I used to wake up sometimes and cry missing him. Now I don't because I know this is reality that has been replayed over and over again. So if this is accepting it, it hurts worse than I imagined. And further....what comes next? I have yet to feel anything that hasn't caused more pain. Now I am back to crying myself to sleep every night knowing I will awake to this awareness and feeling so disconnected to him. I hate it.

This is where I get messed up sometimes, Maryann. I know I do things perceived as strong, but inside I am a scared, trembling little kid. The rare times I actually feel I am gaining some strength vanish so quickly. Often because of things I did before with strength. Even the smallest if things. Now they take so much effort and have been going on so long that I am alone in doing them, I feel like the life has been kicked out of me. For example, there are some nights I want to come home and say....Steve, could you feed the dogs? I'm beat. But no option there and it feels like a massive effort.

Patty, I did not like that movie at all. Not even the time I saw it and had no experience with this kind of grief and the heaven and hell concepts. I found the whole movie depressing. There is nothing in it that would help me. I was particularly depressed by the fact that even tho the wife committed suicide, she would be so mercilessly punished. I am not advocating suicide is a good thing, but the woman lost everything she had! We always hear that we can make it despite how painful it may be, but I think there are circumstances that can break someone to the core. I truly understand that now.

I have the same thing happen to me! It's really weird because you can't call your landline from your own phone. A friend said she thought he was reaching to me as technology was one of his favorite hobbies. I think it is a ring back from robo calls, but it still shocks me every time to see his name. I've never been here to actually hear the phone ring. It's very very odd. I figure if it IS him, the least he could do is leave a frigging message!

This is like Groundhogs Day except for one minor detail. At least Bill Murray got the chance over and over to make it right. You're right, Mitch, that's the part that sucks. Joyce, I don't know about making Steve proud. All I have are memories of when I did something and he was impressed. From this point on, since I don't feel his presence at all, that is where I get tripped up. Yes, there is some pride we did it alone, but that is not what I was used to for decades. So I look at things and go great! Got that done but no one really cares but me. And sometimes I don't either, it just had to be done. Last night my computer upgraded to Windows 10 without my permission. I was always declining the pop ups for it. My DVR updated too and created problems. Now I have to adapt to more changes I didn't even want. As I was telling someone, it was time I needed to be wearing my 'all stressed out and no one to choke' T shirt.

I hope you get a decent nights sleep after a day that is now forever changed for you, George. We never did much for our birthdays anymore, but it was just being together. I'm not looking forward to my 2nd with Steve. They were our greatest gift. That sounds so corny, but I know it is true.

Mitch, perfectly worded. All so true. This is like a bad movie and we are trapped in it. No exits from this theater. The movie lasts so long too. Sequel after sequel.

A thought hit me last night going to sleep alone again. I don't know what it feels like to die, bu I know what it feels like to not be alive.

I found the 1st year much easier than this one. There was so much to do and I was still under some kind of 'protection' that got me thru it. I definitely would break down into a heap of sobbing many times, but I functioned on a higher level. This 2nd year is kicking my ass. The simplest things take all I can muster. The crying is different as it becomes more and more real he will never be back. It's like something pulled away any buffer and said....this is it now. This is your life from now on. No do overs, no bad dream.....you are on your own and will never see him again. It's become so intense I have that 'going crazy' feeling more than ever. People have moved on as they do. Phone calls are mostly sales or for donations. My once social life is mostly medical since I am not needed as a caregiver, wife or partner so my body is playing catch up on years of those jobs that couldn't afford me to be at my best. I feel like I have aged years and definitely frustrated with my superwoman powers having been stripped away. I'd settle for normal functioning person right now. Still waiting on that. I really miss focus and concentration. All this time and I can't stay still. Restless both physical and mentally.

Medical shows are absolutely OUT for me too. Last one I was into was House and that was more for the characters. Hard to see repeats now if they come in. Even commercials about medications drive me crazy!

Im so sorry, Patty. What an ordeal and constant reminder. Please keep in mind your passion to help him was the driving force. That's an incredible testament to your love for him.

That movie has so many meanings on so many levels. II saw it when it was new and had no idea how it would bring up so many questions for me now. I'm not drawn to grief movies, it just seems I am more aware of how much that is in plots now. Keenly aware. Some I can watch and others I can't. Saw part of Steel Magnolias the other night when Sally Field lost it at the funeral. Really know that feeling.

Patty, I never detailed Steves last days because they are forever seared into my mind and always will be. It is not a time I want to revisit. I've never even posted them here. I did start a journal of sorts about my feelings for the first few months. I've talked verbally with my counsellor about those last days, but that is all my heart can handle. I've even walked into a session and said I do not want to talk about 'insert whatever here' because I knew I was too vulnerable and would have to leave and be on my own with the fallout. Nothing we experienced will ever be forgotten. Writing it down is not something I find helpful. I'm trying to make my way to the good memories. That is a daunting task when mixed with the trauma of the bad. This is a time WE decide what we can handle and what we can't. There is no right or wrong except how it pertains to us personally. You released those details once. Maybe that was enough. Only you know. The catch is I would run this past Steve for his opinion knowing me. Who in the world would be asking you how Ron is doing?

I agree, Marg. I got 37 and feel ripped off. We were supposed to shuffle off into the sunset with our walkers or on those scooters. I never thought of being 60 as young til this. Steve would be 64. That's enough time to have made a lot more memories especially about getting old. Lots of time to moan and groan about it. :-)

Patty, I think that is a gorgeous painting you did. I love horses and was an artist myself so there see pictures I did all over our house. It's an expression of yourself and now symbolic of a bond between 2 beings. Only you can decide if it stays, but I hope so because 'looks' like love.

Ana, you made a drastic change. Even if we are around people that drive us crazy, to go from that to solitude is big time stuff. It now magnifies just how alone we are. I know that repeated feeling of realizing AGAIN they are gone forever. We know it yet we keep feeling it like its new over and over. Sometimes I just want to scream......I get it! How could I not? My world I so empty without him, I truly get it! I think we just keep finding more ways our world was intertwined with them. Mine today was a renewal of a magazine that had always been in his name. Now it is in mine. Little, small, tiny change but huge to me. I don't know when or if they will stop hitting. my only hope is that they soften a bit over time that drags by so slow now.

Marg, scared is my middle name now. Even things I was used to doing alone bother me. We forget just how deeply grief affects EVERYTHING now. There isn't one thing in my life it hasn't affected in some way. No matter what, we are now alone 24/7 inside. today I got the renewal of Time magazine which we had for years. It was always Steves name on it because we got it thru his airline miles. Now it has my name on it. Silly small thing, but another change. Another reminder. Another place his name is missing.

But he didn't marry them, Marg. Big difference!