Gwenivere

Very bad night Tuesday. Dee got drunk again. Yes5e4day was her partner’s birthday. Not an excuse. She beat herself up really hard, so much that THAT really annoyed me. I’m not in a good place anyway after an appointment with my doctor. Always talking about assisted living, colonoscopy and changing my routine to ‘fit in'' with others. Not something a mid 30's guy can really understand. Have my new counselor today. Hoping I hear from the pain clinic about slowing down this withdrawal. Housekeeper coming Friday. Shower Saturday. My Google crashed and I finally got it working. Ironically I couldn’t look up how to fix it. Just restarted it 3 times. Off to wonderful sleep (she says sarcastically). 💕

I know and meant to delete it.

So sorry George.

Every day there is a shooting now. It’s like it’s an expected thing. Haven’t watched the news in weeks without a new one. What are we coming to?

I hear yo, Karen. A comforting hug would feel so good. It’s a b*tch having to do this alone. Just being able to talk to Steve would make so much difference. Someone who is a core of my very being. Someone I spent, until 8 years ago, more of my life with than without. Have to get through the rest of the night. Dee is off the rails again. Today is his day het partner died she is acting drunk. The usual drill. Have to contact the pain clinic for med changes. Bath aide coming and don’t know if the timing will work as I have a Zoom with my doctor in barely an hour she starts and. I’m so shaky. 💕

Had my pharmacist visit barely after I woke up. Going to have to read the notes to make sense of it all. They want to increase the patch dose and drop more oxycodone. Want me to do it during the week when I can contact them as they are closed on the weekend. My shower got canceled til Saturday and I may cancel that and see what her schedule looks like next week. It’s so hate feeling like a medical experiment. It’s so easy for me doctors to expect you to what they say but not experienced themselves. They have no ides ow it can impact your day. I know that since upping the pain patch 3 days ago I haven’t been myself. I don’t know about taking a higher dose. Even Dee has said she’s never seen me like this. They always say have Dee take me for a drive not getting seeing others doing that is saddening because you can’t. It’s about the freedom. Talking with my weekend friend gave me a cool good, talking v. to others that are home bound. I’m sure you’ll hurt d. I’m sure you would have to get certified and trained. Not ready for that in my condition but something I could definitely relate to. Accidentally swallowed a nicotine lozenge. Hoping it doesn’t make me sick when going to dreaded bed. Sleep well all. 💕

Really dreading summer. I can’t stand the heat like I used to. Getting too old, too much pain and isolated. Can’t do anything fun. Tolls of aging and injury. Ordered my cousin some chocolate for her birthday but had to call Amazon because trying to ship it to her was unclear. They changed something.. So had to call her and ruin the surprise. Couldn’t get a gift card in there. Sleep is so messed up. Talk to the pharmacist today when barely awake. I’m afraid they will cut the opiate more as it’s getting so hard. Or too fast. That’s what I need to make clear to them. It’s going to be very hard by hard it is to think. I woke up 45 minutes after settling in for the night. Again 5 hours later and finally an hour before. Found my missing post in another topic.

Really dreading summer. I can’t stand the heat like I used to. Getting too old, too much pain and isolated. Can’t do anything fun. Tolls of aging and injury. Ordered my cousin some chocolate for her birthday but had to call Amazon because trying to ship it to her was unclear. They changed something.. So had to call her and ruin the surprise. Couldn’t get a gift card in there. Sleep is so messed up. Talk to the pharmacist today when barely awake. I’m afraid they will cut the opiate more as it’s getting so hard. Or too fast. That’s what I need to make clear to them. It’s going to be very hard by hard it is to think. I woke up 45 minutes after settling in for the night. Again 5 hours later and finally an hour before. Found my missing post…… My post disappeared again. Sent a birthday gift but had to get Amazon to help. Couldn’t figure it out. Ruined the surprise as I couldn’t get a gift card in it. Called her so she knew who it came from. Talk to the pharmacist today less than after I wake up. Have to tell them is going too fast. I’m worse than ever. The other night I woke up 45 minutes after settling in, 5 hours later and an hour at the alarm. Slept thru the snooze button. Have to slow this down. Had less tremors and I skipped the so called helpful meds. I've got to find the strength to advocate for myself. Talk to my Sunday buddy later in the day. Gear up for shower day. Usual whining and moaning. 💕

My post disappeared again. Sent a birthday gift but had to get Amazon to help. Couldn’t figure it out. Ruined the surprise as I couldn’t get a gift card in it. Called her so she knew who it came from. Talk to the pharmacist today less than after I wake up. Have to tell them is going too fast. I’m worse than ever. The other night I woke up 45 minutes after settling in, 5 hours later and an hour at the alarm. Slept thru the snooze button. Have to slow this down. Had less tremors and I skipped the so called helpful meds. I've got to find the strength to advocate for myself. Talk to my Sunday buddy later in the day. Gear up for shower day. Usual whining and moaning. 💕

We’re had 2 days close to 80 too. Way to early for that. Going to drop back down and come back later in the week. Getting a fan out today. Like after dark better as it cools a bit. Had to put a new patch on yesterday. Not taking the pills that are supposed to help. They are supposed to help but lower blood pressure. Last thing I need. Gave up and took a little bit. Things were getting progressively worse all day. My CCenter meal had hardly any protein so had some peanut butter. Watched a very unsettling movie centered on depression. Bad choice. We’re going to start a miniseries’s about Hannibal Lector tonight. Don’t know if it will have 5he the original Anthony (Hopkins in it. Church dinner night. Maybe a short chat with Nina. Talk to the pharmacist Monday. Leads to a shower Tuesday and a telemedicine with a behavioral therapist with the pain clinic. Grief counseling later in the week. Off to zombie land. That dr eaded alarm. 💕

I can’t find one need for assault weapons. If people want a gun, there ar e plenty of choices . I’m anti gun, but that’s a fantasy. I grew up target shooting. We owned a shotgun once but I gave it away after Steve died. Can’t stand hand guns. I interpret the 2nd amendment differently as it was written before we had all the armed forces. Land and and house taxes infuriate me . They always increase those to raise what we owe for roads, public transport and schools. We home owners pay for everything. I’m sure rents go up for it too. We don’t have a state income tax. Very high pay a s you buy tax. Not on food, but everting else. I'd rather have an income tax, but so many are against it.

Woke up more depressed. I've decided no more of the withdraw l pills with the patch. I don't like they can be d and lowers blood pressure. It's a low dose but I feel it. I'm not sure if I am making my slouch worse. I know it was going to progress, but need to talk with someone in PT about it. I need my monthly B 1 w injection. Tried all day to find a way to get an online eye exam. Have to have a smart phone. Having a hard time sleeping. Waking up yesterday with weird vision and so much leg and shoulder and leg and food agony. Hard to look forward for refuge. Got to do that now. Didn’t even log in here tiil a few minutes ago. Have to do that now. 💕 to all.

I don’t see where I said that. I do know my posts are changed from using predictive typing from if I type them myself and sometimes leaves a duplicate unposted. Had my first session with my new counselor yesterday. She’s very nice, but not Jinx. I wanted to talk to Jinn6 about it. Lost a lot of time going over history. Talked 5o the pain clinic. Having so trouble with the meds. Dee drank again Wednesday night. Explained her fury that night as i5 wasn’t the same. She didn’t act the usual drunk. Learned stuff from Susan about different behaviors so thar helped. Trying some of the side effect med and hope I sleep OK. Have had the tremors so much all yesterday. 💕 to all.

I’ve gotten myself so confused trying to figure out how many nicotine lozenges I use per day now that I’m so much more stressed out. Used to be 7, but think I’m up to 9. I have to contact the pain clinic as I didn’t wake up once from when I went to sleep Tuesday night. That has never happened before. The only thing that changed was adding the withdrawal medication. Dee is livid I never told her my mistake name is the same as her deceased partner. That I was withholding info on purpose to hurt her. Where she comes up with these ideas come from I don’t know. I haven’t used it since I left home. My biggest concern has been not waking one time overnight Saturday. Not taking any more withdrawal meds till I talk to the clinic and worry about tonight. Heading there now. Thought I had a Zoom meeting with my doc yesterday but it’s next week. Been sore all day from not moving 7 hours. 💕

All these monetary woes we get stuck with. Never knowing what is OK or not with insurance. They try to wriggle out of whatever they can. I’m starting to notice that with providers too. At least not using the right coding so I have to call and have things re submitted again. It’s so angering and time consuming. I thought having insurance was to make things easier. I miss being young for a lot of reasons. Now it’s because annoying for so many things happen at this older age. Had to have this darned pain patched covered for my shower. Keep trying to find out if I can take the meds to help with withdrawal at the same time as some others so I don’t have to add another time to my 5 times a day dosing of other stuff. My life is so dictated now. I’m in the same boat. Can get a better DVR, but no smart TV. Would have to change out all cables to speakers, receiver and DVD player. Biggest thing is no streaming without the TV. Shower done. Pulmonologist meeting done. Higher withdrawal meds started. Will be 1st night on a full dose. Some in this afternoon too. Talk to my PCP this afternoon. Lung do+ said call if thing’s get worse. More suggestions for getting out of here not getting my reality.

Sounda very frustrating about your glasses, Karen. I’ve had bouts with double vision and cannot imagine having that all the time. The blurry vision is bad enough. I truly hope this fixes this for you. After being with Jinny for almost 30 years, you can’t help but develop a friendship. Not like ones we have with our social ones, but the foundation is there. I know a lot about her life. Steve had been over to help with technical needs she had. I had a few sessions at her house. You learn a lot about someone being in their home. Managed t to piss Dee off by my dinner choice and deciding not to take my new withdrawal med because I don’t want to possibly be too shaky for my shower. Waiting on a r reply from pharmacist. I also don’t want to mess with my sleep. Bad enough already. speaking of which.zzzzzzzzzz…..💕 .

I don’t know how you do all that traveling for stuff, Kay. I would probably shoot myself. I'd like to have more activity, but not like that. I’m so utterly depressed by the routine around here. Usually have a Zoom visit this afternoon but the woman wants to do it Monday and I hit the ground running with medical stuff for the week. Start a new counselor Thursday. Both looking forward to it and dreading it. I'd rather talk to Jinny about this change of losing her. It is a deep loss. I's a death in my life. So many issues she is familiar with to the smallest detail. I'm so tired of losing more and more. I'm also tired of Dee making me a burden and choosing herself when I mention something I need help with I mean right now. I've always said 'when you get the time' unless it was something like my oxygen getting unplugged. She got furious because she microwaved some mac and cheese I didn’t want. It was no big deal. 30 frigging seconds and you don’t it was I expected her to cook me a meal from scratch. I talk to the pain clinic less than an hour when I get up. I was going to hae her involved because of my scrambled brain. But I think she’ll do more harm than good. She doesn’t like how much meds I take. I think m own questions and stats of mind be evident. My ability to retain the info is my problem. I’m going to ask them to send it to my Ecare portal. Time to set ifI wake up like yesterday feeling like I was going to de. It was awful. I just put on a new patch.very strong plus the withdrawal pills. 💕

I don’t know why I have so much trouble posting lately. I see the whole post when I submit it but it’s chopped off the next day. There's also another whole one waiting to be submitted. I’m at a loss on it all. I’m so messed up since being on this patch. I put on a new one yesterday. Dee is upset I am taking too much anxiety meds. I haven’t changed them since leaving rehab except adding a half of one at bedtime which I’ve pretty much gotten rid of. I know I am over medicated but don’t know what I can cut without having anxiety attacks back. I was afraid Dee would drink last night. She’s getting very unpredictable. Luckily she didn’t. I don’t know what is happening early evening anymore. That is the only thing that is predictable. She’s so confused. Always finds something I do wrong. I talk to the pain pharmacist today right after I get up. Worst time. I barely know my name. I hope this is productive. At least they will see how I am on this is affecting me. Off to to the bed and wake up routines. Maybe talk to Nine today. Church dinner. 💕

Thank you Karen. The medication in the patch is not an opioid like oxycodone. It blocks the same receptors. Theory being it makes it not possible to get the opiate. Problem is it is more than the opiate. I'm writing the clinic again about the ratio and long term plan as the pain is never going to stop for the rest of m6 life without some relief. Am

I just found out the patches I am on for pain ere giving me more opiates than I ever took. Now I’m trying the medication to supposedly help with side teffect withdrawal symptoms. I've been loopy all day. Last nurse visit today and a recommendation for an eye cyst. Called new therapist. Have an appointment next week if her rate is doable. Dee got angry again like clockwork. Always after I eat dinner and some minor thing. Won’t talk to me or watch a movie. It’s never anything I could see coming as, obviously, I wouldn’t do it. Terribly depressed about losing Jinny. Lots of back and forth with the pain clinic knowing they soon want another dose dropped leaving me only one in this mess. Can hardly converse with people in this condition. Housekeeper coming today. Place needs it. Have some calls to make hoping I make sense when I struggle for words. It’s hard when the simplest ones slip my mind. Frustrating seeing I've done something and have no memory of it. Vice versa too. Best get moving towards bed. 💕 to all.

I don’t know why, but my post’s keep showing up twice. One actually posted, a duplicate waiting. I'm having a heck of a time on this pain patch and need help desperately. I finally got an email about dosage equivalents and see a big problem. The patch strength of mine are equal to 20-30 of the pills and i"m only taking 1. It’s no wonder the withdrawal is so intense. So it makes me wonder why isn’t that being addressed. Just shot the clinic a message. What’s odd isI didn’t wake up in the morning till close to the alarm. I was waking up about 3 hours earlier. Dee talked me into trying half of another RX supposedly to help with the withdrawal. I’m not keen on adding another medication and side effects. I'll see how I sleep. Said goodbye to my counselor yesterday. I’m torn up about it. It’s a death to me. I cried so much talking with her. I have to contact who she recommended. I had her end the session. I couldn’t do it like I usually do. Today is our usual day. Had been. For over 20 years.

I don’t know how I'm surviving the days. It’s getting harder now that Dee is so cranky all the time as she makes it very hard to know what will annoy her. What will one time may not be next. Only 2 good things happened. A dream I was doing something f un friends and got thru my shower. Today I see m6 grief counselor for the last time. I'll probably spend it crying about that. Still trying to sort out this pain, sleep, eat and depression stu f. 💕

I didn’t know it my research is helping me. I had my appointment and am confused as ever and now they want me to cut pills. In trying to get me a sooner one with a doctor I have in May., all they have is today when I get up. Not a problem for those that aren’t on med dictated lives. The anxiety meds my shrink decided to mess up what had been working. The pain center created a problem with the patch that is not effectively being fixed. It’s caused me to lie (my fault for saying anything to my shrink) and now on this hamper wheel the pain clinic with this patch and dosing. Now it’s getting close to sleep again, being discharged from home health and still have so many problems. Shower day today if I can handle it. I remember last week being extra hard. This I owe to the pain clinic too. Had my telexed with my shrink and getting rationed down meds for 2 months. Then I don’t know what he can offer I feel comfortable with. Just experiments with antidepressants. Like I don’t feel awful enough? I look in the mirror and say who is that? 💕 to all.

I am so caught up in a medical mess with my anxiety, oxycodone and these pain patches. All are dangerous to mix together and are causing my breathing to become very hard. My thinking is all off too. I can’t stop any of them now. I feel totally at the mercy of the doctors, but that they don’t get me fear this evokes. Each one says it’s all got to change. I've done so much reading that I’ve freaked myself out. Dee is in terrible shape. I've never seen her like this. She’s back in bed and she never does that….ever. It would help so much if I could stand up. Even in pain. I could maybe do something for us both. Being able to breathe would help too. Heck. If these surgeries would have worked, none of this would be a problem at all. Or if they would have stopped the opioids at 4 to 6 weeks las they should have this wouldn’t be happening. I have a telemed meeting with the shrink this afternoon to be grilled about my drug 'stash'. I’m just going to cover my butt as best as I can. He's just non compassionate. I can’t eve n feel grateful he is trying to keep me from from stopping breathing by the anxiety and opiate mix. I don’t see caring with iim, I see narcissism looking at him. Time to take this yucky body to bed. Talk to the pharmacist as well and have some big questions for her about these patches as I feel worse. 💕

My mail is so messed up. Apple restored it but it pulled posts from here and I've deleted them but they don’t show up in the trash. I've spent an hour on it already to no avail. Mail going back to 2016. Woke up from a dream about a woman I hadn’t thought of in years. I made her feel bad and didn’t mean to. Usual not wanting to get up. My head flooded with all the medical crap I heard all week. Have to tally pills for my shrink , tho he doesn’t trust me with good reason. It’s true what is said about lying. You get yourself tangled. If I was going to, I should have by ommition. Let him think I was doing what he said. Now I have to have another telemedicine meeting with him Monday. Dee is in horrid pain and there is ping ponging. Back forth emotionally. Appreciating one moment, mad the next. On and on about missing her best friend after 4 months and looking at medical treatment. Unpredictable and not handling the grief any way but anger. Movie time was a bust. I was ready to rip my hair out with all her interruptions. Haven’t a clue what today will bring. I’m so tired of my crap and hers. Wish sleep helped. 💕